Stuff, Things n' Some Junk.

I like gypsy moths and radio talk...

2011-06-08T14:40:00.000-04:00

I am so utterly sick of hopping back and forth between furious anger to the point that my hands itch to hurt someone and desperate sadness that makes me wish I'd just go to sleep and never wake up again. I never thought I'd say it but I almost miss being medicated up to my fucking eyeballs.

Easing back in...

2011-05-10T20:22:00.000-04:00

Some of you may know that I have a problem remembering people's names. Not a problem like you have to tell me twice, a problem like you might tell me everyday for 2 weeks and I still won't know it tomorrow. It's very odd and I really don't understand it because my memory in other areas is strangely good.

Anyway, I realized there's hardly anyone at work I call by their real name. So for a lark I'm going to make a list of things I call people at work instead of their actual names (in some cases I still don't know their names and I've been there for over nine months now and in a couple of cases I figured out their names but refuse to use them):

-Pod Ken
-Chuckish - He was hired 2 months ago. They introduced me to him and as soon as he walked away I asked what his name was. Someone said, "Chuck? Ish?" so now he's Chuckish. His name might not even be Chuck. I wouldn't know.
-Wackenfuss Lafayette - This one makes no sense. The guy goes by his initials. Two letters and I couldn't remember it. This mouthful of silly however I couldn't forget if I wanted to.
-White Ninja
-Bark-a-lee
-Food Santa - Because Food Santa
-Pockets
-Rain Man
-Chim Chim - Because he's an irritating fucking monkey.
-Squirrelly - This guy, for sure, will be on the news soon because they will find cut up lady parts in his freezer. No bullshit.
-Anorexic Clint
-Fancy Pants - There are pants involved. They are quite fancy.
-Douchenbacher
-Fluffy Puppy Rainbows
-Honky Ass Cracker
-Cracker Ass Honky - Note the difference.
-Fuckin'...*points at the guy* - It's become a thing. His name is officially Fuckin' a short pause and then a pointing motion.

What is wrong with my brain?

I'd like to say it's abnormal behavior...

2011-01-24T19:58:00.001-05:00

So I called a guy a dickhead at work. Not the way people usually do it, he was right there when I said it. Well, technically I called him a fucking dickhead. He didn't have much to say in response. I wonder why?

Likely not a premature burial

2011-01-19T17:45:00.002-05:00

As always on this day in Baltimore, people gathered for a glimpse of the Poe Toaster. For the second year in a row he did not come. It looks as though a tradition has died and while I'm usually not one to support traditions as a whole, the end of this one makes me sad.

For those who may not know, heathens in other words, since 1949 (at least) in the wee hours every January 19th a man would appear in Westminster Hall and Burying Ground dressed in black wearing a wide brimmed hat and scarf and leave three roses and an open bottle of cognac on Poe's grave. This year four different fakes (Faux Toasters) came but they were clearly not the real deal. I have to think that since his last appearance was on the 200th anniversary of Poe's birth that was the predetermined stopping point for the tradition and that it is truly dead. It's hard to explain why this is a sad thing. Maybe because there's a little less mystery in the world now and that is always a bad thing.

Whatever the reason, we'll never forget you Edgar. Happy birthday you wonderfully twisted man.

Is it supposed to look like this when I blow my nose?

2010-12-09T19:17:00.000-05:00

The last month and a half have been...particularly unkind. But let's talk about something else!

Been one month since I started going to the gym. Doing way more than when I started and already seeing changes in myself. Yay me. There's a dude I see there sometimes who I tell myself will be me in 20 years if I stop going so that's a serious kick in the ass. I tend to push even harder when he shows up.

It's that time of year again. Christmas. I actually enjoyed last Christmas almost against my will. I think I even would have enjoyed the one before that but as some of you might remember I had my first flare of acute inflammatory arthritis that day and it was a pain I can't really describe unless you really know what pain is. Anyway, this year I was laid off for the first seven months. I got the new job (hooray!) and got caught up on my bills (whew!) then started saving for this. Then of course the car gets stolen so I have to give out most of what I had saved so now I've basically had to spend nothing since then to have money for gifts and such. Can't even click Proceed To Checkout for my Amazon shopping cart. It's been very very pleasant. No, wait, what's the opposite of pleasant?

Today at work my boss was trying to remember someone's name and said, "You know, what's his lips." It was one of those silly things you hear and for reasons you don't understand cause you to laugh yourself stupid. Good times.

I've decided to quit caffeine. For good. My company gives everyone a big chunk of time off for christmas. This year our last day is December 22nd and we go back January 3rd. I will use this time to detox myself. After I quit smoking this became the only thing I was addicted to and I don't like it. Also if I quit I'll cut out the majority of my daily sugar intake which should help speed along the whole weight loss thing. I figure it'll hurt like fuck for 3 or 4 days then slowly get better and I'll be more or less OK by the time I go back to work. Wish me luck.

Memory is a silly bitch

2010-11-22T20:22:00.000-05:00

So I was at work and got a form to fill out from the company. They want permission to access my driving record in case they decide to give me company car or something in the next year. Make sure I don't have 17 DUI's or that my license isn't suspended for being involved in a bunch of hit and runs or whatever. Not exceedingly likely but I'll play along just in case. I get to the section that requires taking info from the license itself to I take it out. License number. Blah blah blah. License expires on...shit. Expired on my birthday.

Which was, let's see, oh that's right, ALMOST TWO WEEKS AGO.

Luckily my boss is pretty cool and thinks I'm awesome so he shoves me out the door to go do it in the middle of the work day. Have I mentioned I hate the MVA? Because I do. What with the metal benches and understaffing and taking 2 hours to do something that actually takes 15 minutes and having to be surrounded by lots of people who are ALWAYS way creepy. Is it that most people are way creepy or is it just at the MVA? The ratio of creepy people to normal people seems to be quite pronounced there. Anyway, I get it sorted out, pay my money and rocket back to work.

Does this kind of thing happen to anyone else? Ever?

Who dropped this other shoe here...oh, right

2010-10-29T10:09:00.000-04:00

Five o'clock in the morning and I get a call telling me my truck's been stolen. What fun.

Police tell me it's in the lot of a hotel by the airport. Rosalita drives me over and the cops are waiting. They say they got a call from hotel security and showed up to find a guy asleep at the wheel of my truck. To make it clear, they have the stolen vehicle and the thief out cold inside it.

He got away.

Apparently he was a little guy and really fast. Anyway I absorb this wonderful tidbit and check the inside. There's a box in the backseat and I say, "That isn't mine". They pull it out and it's a PS3, brand new. Front seat has a backpack which ended up having a GPS thingy and other assorted shit in it. The CD I had in the player was in the backseat so the little fucker had bad taste in music too.

Anyway I got it home and did some searching for repair places, waited for the one I picked to open, started my truck with a screwdriver, drove it over and got them to drive me back. When we pull up there's a cop talking to a guy. His car got broken into last night. Busy little shitball, wasn't he?

To sum up, blargh.

If nothing else, me and Taco will definitely survive

2010-10-19T20:15:00.000-04:00

Like most mornings, I stopped for a cup of coffee on the way to work. I have a small (re: huge) caffeine addiction I need to feed pretty much all day everyday. I don't know whether to quit caffeine right away since it almost got me killed or thank it for helping warn me about the end of the world. I could go either way.

As I'm getting back into my vehicle with my cup o' love I hear a noise. I look around and see him. It. Patient Zero in all his Romero-esque glory. A fucking zombie. Shuffling toward me, hands raised, mouth agape and ready to bite, he came. I quickly remembered my rules and having no proper weapon with which to dispatch the walking dead I hustled into the safety of my vehicle, just in the nick of time mind you, and sped off.

It was a close call but there's no time to feel good about my escape. The end is well and truly fucking nigh. Don't bother repenting, get armed and prepare for the war.

Of course it might have just been a mentally off homeless dude but why take chances? I'll find out tomorrow when I stop for more java. With a couple of dead blow hammers.

Honkin' : Adjective 1. Giganimous

2010-10-05T17:34:00.000-04:00

Stealing a page from Taco's playbook, I bring you an installment of COTD:

Tim: Voltron or Ultraman in a fight?

Me: Voltron, yo. That sword beats all.

Tim: But Ultraman knows space kung fu.

Me: Voltron knows robot aikido.

Tim: Outer space Steven Seagal?

Me: With a honkin' sword.

Tim: But no Chinese stars.

Me: Indeed. But the lion thing has to count for extra.

Tim: Do they breathe fire?

Me: No but one lives in a volcano like a DRAGON.

Tim: But aren't volcano dwelling dragons evil?

Me: Only by human standards. By dragon standards that's just "Bob".

Tim: Regular Bob or Silent Bob?

Me: Depends on sleep cycle.

Tim: Roger. Over.

There is joy in the world again

2010-09-09T21:41:00.000-04:00

So I'm at work today and we're talking about football. One of my coworkers walks in and I ask what his favorite team is.

Him: I guess since I'm in Baltimore I'll say the Ravens but I don't really follow it. I'm a pastor so I'm mostly in church on Sundays and don't have the time to watch football.

Me: You need to get your fuckin' priorities straight.

My boss: *nearly chokes trying, and failing utterly, to hold in laughter*

Anyway, I told you that to tell you this:

Football season started tonight. The world makes sense again and everything is made of yay.

Something made me mad. What a shock.

2010-07-13T09:01:00.000-04:00

So the Swiss have decided not to extradite Roman Polanski back to the US. Now I'm not going to get into the legal aspect of their decision, I want to talk about him and the people that support him because they're both making me fucking sick.

For anyone who might not know, Roman Polanski, a famous movie director, drugged, raped and sodomized a 13 year old girl when he was 43. He had a trial, admitted guilt, went to counseling and then when he was supposed to report for sentencing he fled the country and went to France and has since avoided going to countries that might catch and send him back. What a great guy. I've seen and heard people say things like "It was a lapse in judgement" and "He's suffered enough" and "It's just wrong that he couldn't accept his Oscar in person" and other assorted idiocy.

Firstly a lapse in judgement is you deciding to do something wrong one time that goes against your normal behavior. How many child rapists do you know of that have only ever done it once and then decided to stop? On top of that once he fled to France he started "dating" a 15 year old. That's not a lapse, it's a pattern. And he's suffered enough? HE'S suffered enough? A child molester can never suffer enough you useless brain dead fucking imbeciles. Oh yeah it's a terrible burden to have people say you're a child rapist when you're an admitted child rapist. How terrible. And the 42 days of counseling had to have been awful and this last time when they had you under house arrest in a Swiss ski chalet must have been hellish. If you think he's suffered at all let alone enough do us all a favor and lay your head down on a busy road and wait for it.

Apparently the lesson we're to learn here is that if you want to rape children you should first become wealthy and famous. That way even if everyone finds out you did it you'll still never have to pay for it.

Now my head hurts so to sum up:

Roman Polanski, I hope you get ass raped by a gorilla then get cancer of the dick you fucking worthless piece of shit.

Polanski supporters and apologists: Shut. The fuck. Up. Liking someone's work doesn't give them a free pass to do whatever they want. If Martin Scorsese came to your house and ass rapes you is it OK because I really like his movies? No. So if you support this guy go jump off a tall building you fucking retards. Barring that keep your fucking ignorance to yourself.

Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?

2010-06-11T10:17:00.010-04:00

Why do English muffins come out of the toaster so much hotter than other things? Like nuclear hot. Holy shit I don't have fingerprints anymore hot. Do they store extra heat in the nooks and/or crannies? That shit ain't right.

Why is there an April Fool's Day but not, say, a July Smart People's Day? Shouldn't there be a day where we'd purposely go around using long words and saying things to confuse the normals? Moreso than usual I mean. Write your congressman about it.

I want a toupee. I mean a really bad one. Like I found it on the ground and gave it a scrub and it might actually be a dead raccoon anyway bad then wear it everywhere and act totally normal. "What is that?" "What?" "On your head." "Oh I got a haircut. Like it?"

I was at the deli counter a while back (Cheese. Because cheese.) and the deli woman asked me if anyone ever told me I look just like Heavy D. So I got that going for me. Which is nice.

I can still hear Billy Mays screaming at me to buy shit I don't want. Make it stop.

If a blind guy grabs a woman's breasts does she still say, "My eyes are up here"?

I've been told I have sarcastic eyebrows. That's pretty fucking awesome.

Ever get a really great parking spot at a crowded mall and then when you leave you judge the person that queues up to get it from you? If they look OK you pull out and give them the "Enjoy the spot" head nod but if it's some douchebag with a poppped collar and hair that looks like a bloomin' onion you give them a dirty look, put the car back in park and shut it off. Or even better two people arrive at once and you judge them both then award the spot to one of them by puling out and blocking the loser. No? Just me then?

Fuck pronouns.

Y'know what still bugs me? What the fuck did Bill Murray say to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost in Translation?

I feel like I should buy Red Stripe beer and lots of it. Their slogan is Hooray! Beer! How can you not support that?

There's something about the word "meats" that I find funny for reasons I can't explain. Meats. Hehehe.

I don't remember what I was watching even remotely but there was a band playing music and one of them had a washboard-tar. That's right. A washboard inside a guitar shaped piece of wood. A washboard-tar. How is this not in every band in the world? It's like keytar times a a hundred. WASHBOARD-TAR! The awesomeness of the thing itself has blasted the memory of where I saw it right out of my head so now I can't find it to see it again.

Seriously, has there ever been a person funnier than John Cleese?

See ya in another life, brotha.

2010-05-25T10:08:00.004-04:00

After 6 seasons Lost has gone off the air for good (there are no spoilers here. I hate them). Lost hooked me right from the start and quickly became one of my all time favorites. While The Wire is still the best show ever (it's not open for debate) and Breaking Bad has arguably more compelling characters and Deadwood has dialogue like no other show, Lost is the show that I craved most week to week. The show that made me need the next episode like no other show could. It had a mythology so dense it could sometimes make The X-Files look like a sitcom. I mean that in the best possible way. No other show had so many eye widening, jaw dropping, what the fuck moments and not just in season finales, though Lost's season finales were the best, bar none. Every single episode had the potential to bring new and holy shit reveals, and they often did.

It's the only show I know of that the creators negotiated with the network to let them end it sooner rather than later. They wanted to tell their story and then end it instead of dragging on until it turned into a parody of itself or just became bad like most popular shows do.

Even at two and a half hours the finale didn't answer every question and y'know, I'm happy about that. Remember when X-Files tried to tie up every loose end in the final 2 seasons? Yeah, could have done without that. Anyway by the end of it all the questions and answers weren't even that important anymore. In the end it was all about the flawed and tormented characters seeking peace in themselves. They weren't just lost physically, they were all lost in every possible way and the island was the place that gave them the opportunity to find themselves and each other.

I could go on and on (and on and on...) but instead I'll simply say to everyone involved in making Lost from highest to lowest, thank you. There will never and can never be another show like it and I could not appreciate all of your efforts more if I tried.

Insert Valentine Michael Smith reference here

2010-05-14T10:44:00.005-04:00

I keep forgetting to tell you faithful few about my trip to Ohio. We went up for Rosalita's grandmother's 90th birthday. Since I freak out a little just looking at a plane we drove up which means we had to drive through Pennsylvania.

What a shithole.

Aside from the mysterious pockets of unexplainable stink you have to drive through from time to time, the place is crawling with Steelers fans. I wish hell were a real place so the Steelers and all their fans could burn in it. Because I hate them in case that was in some way unclear. (GO RAVENS!) Rosalita yelled at me approximately 183 times for informing the natives that their state is a hole and their various sports franchises are worthy of nothing but ridicule and contempt. Some of this when we stopped for gas and to stretch our legs. Apparently it's "rude" to "insult" people. Who knew? I was just trying to help them see the truth!

So yeah we get there and meet and greet and obviously grandma loves me (I mean really, was there some other way for that to end?) and at some point we end up in a store. There's an old lady in there, easily 75, buying lottery tickets. When she's done she turns to me and says, "Am I going to win?" to which I reply, "Of course you are." then she smiles her sweet old lady smile, walks behind me and grabs my butt and walks off.

But wait, there's more.

Before I can think to react on how awesome it is to get goosed by the elderly, she comes back and gets a handful of the other cheek. Clearly this is already the best trip ever.

Skipping ahead...skipping ahead...

We get to the actual birthday party and it's like a parade of old ladies. What's more, the more they come the shorter they get and it's not like the first ones were anything but short to begin with. Tiny, tiny women. I swear I was 3 inches taller than the last one to show while I was sitting down. Seriously there were so many and they were so short I wanted to hand out dark robes, whip out a silver ball and re-enact Phantasm. I practice pointing menacingly at people and calling them "BOY" for just such a chance. It would've been great.

I also got to hang out with Noq, which was mucho yay. All my friends live forever away in places that are not here so getting to see them is always a big win. Move here you heartless fuckers!

*ahem*

So yeah, we met at a bar to watch the Cavs game (there ain't much else to do in Ohio when it's not college football season, they tell me) and I'm pretty sure one of us accidentally ate the waitress, mistaking her for a single pork rib. It's the only way to explain how long we waited for someone to take our order. Eventually there was beer.

Delicious beer.

I introduced him to Rosalita (Seriously dude, Mexican. Don't believe her lies.) then we geeked out at each other for as long as we could. It was glorious.

Eventually we had to leave which involved another drive through PA (mystery stink, shitty state, terrible people, etc) then finally back home. YAY! I like going other places mostly because they remind me how much I love my home state. Thanks for that, other places! I appreciate your efforts to be less awesome.

Have to remember to mail some to your mom...

2010-03-29T10:56:00.005-04:00

I was thinking about all the things I'd want done with my ashes after I die and get cremated and then started thinking about different places I'd want some of me spread around. Then of course it occurred to me that I'd be dead and wouldn't know what was going on anyway and the whole thing would be a waste. The point seems to be to have some of yourself be a part of places you love and such but once you're dead it's kind of pointless. You're not exactly going to get any enjoyment out of it.

Solution!

I'm going to start saving my fingernail clippings and spreading those around in places while I'm still alive so I can enjoy the fact that part of me is in an awesome place. Bonus in that I assume someone at some point will find them and be completely freaked out.

Sorry I...haven't been sleeping well.

Movies '09

2010-02-12T08:26:00.004-05:00

Last year was a slow year for me for movies. Saw only 119 (it's hard to get out to the movies when you're a shiftless layabout) so there will be some gaps here. Netflix will help me catch up soon enough. Anyway, on to it and obviously worded to avoid spoilers, which I hate.

The best movie that came out last year was The Hurt Locker. Your differing opinion is wrong. Change it. It not only has no weak spots, it is strong in every area. Writing, directing (Katherine Bigelow should win every directing award there is this year), acting, editing, everything is top notch. As I said before someone finally made a movie about the war in Iraq that didn't suck. The tension ramps up right from the get go and never subsides. This movie makes you feel tense and anxious the entire time it's running. Jeremy Renner playing the adrenaline junkie bomb squad leader is, not to be a cliche but it's true, a revelation. I've been tracking down other movies he's in that I missed just to watch him work. This is THE movie to see from last year, hands down, bar none.

Next is District 9, a movie that got you in by pretending to be an sf action movie but turned out to be a complex study of bigotry. Not to say there was no action, there was, but even that was better than normal. This movie featured perhaps the best screenplay of the year. Can't wait to see more from both the director and star.

I'll admit to a bias for Sam Rockwell but Moon really is as good as I think it is. Rockwell plays a psychologically stressed astronaut on a mission to the moon. Alone. Maybe. He thinks. He makes a discovery and then, well then it goes from very good to great.

In comedy you have The Hangover which successfully walked the line of crude and smart where most just flop into crude and stupid. This is one of those rare movies that causes genuine full out laughter again and again while you watch it and unlike a lot of movie the humor holds up on repeat viewings.

You don't get a lot of horror that's actually scary but Paranormal Activity got to me. This is exactly my kind of horror. Don't show me a lot, let me fill in the blanks mentally, build tension slowly and make me feel actual dread for the characters and, later at home in the dark, for myself. Take note Hollywood, there's a reason this movie crushed the latest Saw shitfest. Try to learn from it and not fuck it up.

Other (very) worthy releases:

The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus
Zombieland (the cameo alone is worth t he price of admission)
In The Loop
Coraline
An Education
Precious
Adventureland
(500) Days of Summer

Notable misses (refer back to shiftless layabout status) to be caught on DVD that I have high hopes for:

Up In The Air
A serious Man
Where The Wild Things Are
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Up
Extract
The Informant!

OK I saved some space to talk about Avatar and the madness that is swirling around it. To get it out of the way, I saw it and liked it. Visually it's spectacular and like nothing you've ever seen since the tech that was used to make it was invented specifically TO make it.

However...

First it was nominated and then won the Golden Globe for best drama (congrats Globes, you've just lost ALL your credibility) and now is nominated for best picture at the Oscars. Granted the Oscars lost all their cred long ago so this was an expected thing for them, but still. A note to both these orgs and people everywhere, huge box office does NOT equal quality. The story was nothing you haven't seen before (literally if you've seen things like Dances With Wolves, Medicine Man, etc), the writing in not particularly notable, the directing is standard action movie directing and so is the acting. There is utterly no reason this movie should be in conversations about best movie of the year. No reason and no excuse. It's Titanic all over again. Huge box office drives what is basically a mediocre movie to steal awards away from truly deserving films.

Reading '09

2010-02-02T07:38:00.005-05:00

I wasn't going to do these this year but looking at too many shitty lists and yelling at them is forcing me. Plus I'm pretty sure Taco would make that sad face he makes and I just can't have that.

I'll start with a longtime favorite of mine, Dan Simmons and his novel Drood. It's a fictionalized account of the final years of the life of Charles Dickens when he went a bit wonky. It's narrated (very unreliably) by Wilkie Collins who was a popular writer of the time (and should be more widely read now) and was a friend (and enemy) of Dickens. Since this is a Simmons novel it's not just historical fiction but is dark and disturbing and complex and weird beyond measure. There is also no need to like Dickens or to have even read a single word he ever wrote. Simmons, you can do no wrong.

Next is Margaret Atwood's The Year of the Flood. It's a follow up to her excellent Oryx and Crake, a post-apocalyptic dystopian wonderland. Read both of these and thank me later.

Chronic City by Jonathan Lethem is a kind of alternate reality story of Manhattan (ugh, New York) that makes wonderful use of magical realism (yay!). Not very plot heavy it more uses its characters and weird and yummy writing to drive it.

What to say about Lev Grossman's The Magicians that will do it justice? Well since it's about people going to a school of magic it draws comparison's to Harry Potter but it's nothing like that. This is very much not for kids. It's part love letter to fantasy tales like Narnia and Oz and part study of what it's like to want something so badly it makes you feel like you're dying and even when you get it, it's still not enough.

Incognito by Ed Brubaker. A supervillain forced to go into witness protection told in Brubaker's style? Yes please.

The Unwritten by Mike Carey. Fantasy + speculative literary geography + dark fantasy + metafiction + ...yeah just pick up the first collection and read it, it's too much to try to blurb about.

Other (very) worthy releases:

The Red Tree - Caitlin R. Kiernan
Dark Places - Gillian Flynn
The Domino Men - Jonathan Barnes
The Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death - Charlie Huston
Breathers - S. G. Browne
The Financial Lives of the Poets - Jess Walter

And many many more. Get reading, slackers.

At least Im not pissing in your houseplants

2010-01-11T10:11:00.004-05:00

So I was thinking the other day about bodily functions. Specifically those that people feel they have to respond to with their words. I find the whole thing ridiculous and as such have come up with something to show exactly how ridiculous I think it is. Details below!

First you have burping which everyone does and everyone seems to think is rude and expects you to excuse yourself for. Utter nonsense. How is it rude to do something that EVERYONE does and that no one has any control over doing? It's like apologizing or expecting someone to apologize to you for having to pee. Oh I'm sorry! I had to go to the bathroom! How rude of me! It's idiocy. Admit it.

Next we have sneezing and everyone's desire to bless me and have me in turn bless them every time it happens. Talk about dumb. Look up all the various things that are put forward as the origin of it and none of them make a lick of sense in the 21st century. Are there really still people who think their souls get ejected from their bodies when they sneeze? How about that they spit out their sins or evil spirits and they have to be blessed lest they jump back in and so on and so on? Doing something because it's been done for a long time is a seriously fucking stupid reason to do anything let alone something that didn't make a whole lot of sense in the first place. And not to start a theological thing but what about those of us that don't want your or your god's blessing? Keep it to yourself, thanks.

Anyway, for the last few days I've been barking at people when they sneeze or after I burp. It's no more ridiculous than the stuff they expect and instead of irritating me for being illogical and stupid it makes me giggle because I do love a bit of light absurdity in my day when I can get it.

Woof.

And we're back

2009-12-28T06:52:00.006-05:00

I haven't really been in the mood to share anything since I became a shiftless layabout but I figure it's time to get back on the horse and start typing away. Let's start with something easy. People who are annoying me.

Thankfully christmas is over (see previous posts for my thoughts about all that, I'm not getting into it again here) but I was just reminded that New Year's Eve is still forthcoming and with it the inevitable stupid people and drunk drivers killing lots of other people. That made me think of something else that's been annoying the piss out of me for the last month or so.

Best of the decade lists.

I'm going to explain it again so please listen this time. The decade is NOT over until the end of next year. I went through all this with people when the whole 2000 thing came around. 2000 was not the beginning of the new millennium, 2001 was. Therefore 2000 was also not the beginning of the new century or the new decade. It's simple math, people. You start counting at 1, not zero so the decade began in 2001 and will end in 2010. Save your mostly shitty best of the decade lists until the decade is actually winding down will ya?

Irritating bastards...

I will shoot you SO HARD!

2009-09-22T09:12:00.004-04:00

So Taco came to visit last weekend. I was hoping he'd do an entry about it so I wouldn't have to, y'know, write but it looks like it's not gonna happen. I'll do a boring one now and force him to do a better one. I call this plan good.

Of course the first thing I did was get him in the house and hustle him up to the library. I figured that would be my best chance to get hooks in him so he'd never leave. Showed off some autographs and numbered limited editions and so on and so forth. He seemed interested but then he could have been just acting. I can never tell. He did touch the battle armor of the Divine Ray and received his holy blessing though, so there's that. Jack wasn't impressed at all. I don't know what he reads but my stuff wasn't doing it for him.

Off we went then to the comic book store. In my infinite absentmindedness (senility?) I forgot we had a dog in the car until we were 3 minutes from the place. So that part of the visit was a bomb. Can't take the dog in, can't leave him in the car. I am a dumbass. Hopefully the next bit will go better.

We fly down the road to the crab place where I pick up the order and hustle back to the house. One of the many benefits of getting crabs is that they make your car smell like them for quite a while afterwards. We get back and set it all up and I prepare to piledrive Taco's tastebuds.

Did you know they boil crabs where he's from? Fucking. Disgusting.

Anyway we undertook the holy ritual of eating crabs and all was good and blissful. Some things never fail and this is one of them. I showed him the proper way to do it and off we went to taste-heaven. Surely this would make him stay forever? I know it would work on me.

After this there was lots of talking and laughing, it's been quite a while since we've actually seen each other y'know and that stuff piles up I think. I hit him with a copy of Dark City (it's a good movie, damn you!) and chased him with a copy of Hot Fuzz (WATCH IT!). If only I had a Bluray of Goonies I could have beaten him quite mercilessly with it. We watched Epitaph One off the Dollhouse season 1 discs and decided that a lot of things made more sense because of it but that people who hadn't seen it might be confused in short order.

More talking and laughing, not unlike a couple of giggling girls.

I managed not to duct tape him to the wall in his sleep, which I feel was very big of me, figuring he'd stay of his own volition. The invisible thing that opens the downstairs bathroom door at night even took a break while he was here though of course he's started up again now that we're alone in the house once more. The next day there was more talking and laughing and I finally got sweet revenge on Mario Kart. Turns out I'm much better at it when I'm sober.

*flex*

Then he left! Is there no power on earth to make them stay? It appears not. Then I was a sad panda. But then my beloved Ravens won and Rosalita took the leftover crabs and made this thing which I forget the name of but there was sauce and noodle and yummy so then I was back to just pining like usual.

Anyway, I imagine I was a very poor host. I'm not very good at things like that. I hope it won't prevent further visits though because in all I think it was quite fun though my description is lacking. I fear I haven't the mental energy for my usual energetic rambling. I guess someone else will have to do it.

NOT IT!

Figures...

2009-09-16T14:32:00.003-04:00

I've been downsized. Ain't life grand.

You I'll not follow

2009-09-15T18:48:00.005-04:00

So I'm driving home today and I finally heard it. The new Alice in Chains song.

Wow. Just...wow.

I understand the desire the surviving members must have to make more music and even the desire to work together again but this shit is just wrong. The new singer, no idea who it is and I'm not going to waste time trying to find out, is trying his hardest to sound like Layne Staley. You might remember that Layne Staley was the original singer and, in my not at all humble opinion the most talented member of the group prior to his untimely and much lamented death. His voice was like a soul being tormented in the worst part of hell expelling lyrics that made you feel exactly what that felt like (I speak primarily about those songs whose lyrics Staley wrote himself or wrote the lion's share of. Just listen to an AiC CD and you'll figure out which is which.)

Now you have some random guy doing a second rate Staley impersonation. It's fucking sick. I have lost all respect for the other members of that band. How anyone could ever think this was a good idea is beyond me. Form a new band with a new singer and then find the sound of that band. Don't spit on Staley's memory by hiring some no talent wannabe and then trying really hard, and failing, to sound like Alice in Chains. Henceforth I will only refer to this abomination as Jerry Cantrell's Band.

Cantrell, you're a piece of shit. Truly.

Then against my better judgement I tried to actually listen to the song. Imagine if your ears had balls and then got got kicked in the balls in your ears. It's like that. A wildly overproduced, poorly written piece of offal. That guy can try, and Cantrell and company can work the boards to help him try to sound like Layne but you'll never fool a real fan. Layne would never sing a song with lyrics that are Nickelback level insipid and include the word California in them, what, 9000 times. Did you bring in Anthony Kiedis to give a rewrite to your Nickelback songs?

The three surviving members of AiC who are currently in Jerry Cantrell's Band clearly have no respect for Layne, no respect for AiC fans and no respect for themselves. I've never wanted an album to bomb so badly in my life.

The entire thing makes me feel sick. If you'll excuse me I have to go listen to Dirt about a million fucking times to wash the foulness out of my ears and hopefully off my brain.

And a fridge just for my beer

2009-09-09T21:12:00.004-04:00

So yeah, an update. Obviously the move is long done by now and I now have quite a lot more space to spread out in. A LOT more. It's nice. What does it say about me that my books have a bigger bedroom than I do? Something good I bet. In my defense I keep some of my shit in their room. I even have a grill and cook out sometimes. I still don't talk to the neighbors though. Some shit is just carved in stone.

College football has begun. OSU 1-0. Go Bucks. Fuck Michigan.

Pro football starts this Sunday. Praise the divine Ray and may he deliver us to the promised land. Fuck the Steelers and all who follow them.

I'm still not sleeping much and in fact it's been getting much worse in recent weeks. It's normal now for me to wake up 5 or 6 times a night for no reason. Just wake up, check the clock, sigh and wait for a while to drift back off for a few minutes. It's pretty bad. Can you have one of those drug induced comas as an elective procedure? A week of that would be great.

Hey guess what? Taco is coming to visit this month and is staying the night! I'm pretty excited. There's going to be shared awesomeness, crabs, books, movies, some Wii action, probably no small amount of leg humping and possibly one of us being tied up in the basement to prevent him from leaving. I'm just saying.

Her name has the word BIG in it too.

2009-08-19T20:10:00.004-04:00

Anyone else find enjoyment in the fact that there have been, what, 15 or 20 movies about the war in Iraq but it took a woman to finally make one with balls? Anyone?

Yeah me too.

Note: It also has a brain. Weird, huh?

Can she spell Polidori?

2009-08-07T21:15:00.003-04:00

Eventually I knew I would have to write something about Stephenie Meyer. I don't want to. I have to. You see, this level of aggressive, willfully ignorant bullshit draws me to it. I want so much to ignore it but I can't. I want to be able to shake my head sadly and walk away.

Not gonna happen, folks.

For those of you who are lucky and don't know Stephenie Meyer she is the, for want of a better word, writer of the Twilight series. For those who are exceptionally lucky and don't know what that is, it's a series of YA vampire books. If vampires were toothless puppies and dipped in glitter.

"But Uncle E," I hear you saying, "Why do you choose to focus on this person when there are so many bad writers out there to choose from?" I'm glad you asked. Let me explain:

The vampire legend itself is ancient with roots tracing back several millennia. As far as things that go bump in the night go, they're old school. They come in many varieties ranging from mindless things barely more than Romero zombies to your more modern nobility in formal wear. In some cultures they drink blood, in some they leech the very life force out of you. There are many, many different kinds of vampire is what I'm saying and that's just the legend. The ones that people used to live in real fear of day to day from culture to culture, century after century literally all over the world.

Then you get into vamps in literature and later films and still later TV. Most of it, and by that I mean the overwhelming majority, isn't good. Most of it is bad and a lot of it is downright awful. But when it's good, man is it good.

Le Fanu's Carmilla, King's Salem's Lot, Matheson's I Am Legend, Wilson's Midnight Mass and so on plus, of course, Bram Stoker's Dracula. I mean, everyone's read that one right? Right?

I told you all that to tell you this: By reading those last three short and off the top of my head paragraphs you just did more research than Stephenie Meyers did before beginning work on the Twilight series. I am not making this up as a jokey way of saying her books are bad. The books are bad because she's a terrible fucking writer. I say that because out of her own mouth she does not read horror books. Does not read vampire books (so no, she's never read Dracula). Does not watch horror movies. Hell, does not watch R rated movies AT ALL. In interviews she said she saw a little piece of Interview With A Vampire on TV and her thoughts on it were summed up with, "Yuck" and then she thinks, thinks she saw a bit of The Lost Boys (which I love) and her opinion of it was, "but I was like, creepy!"

I'm not making this shit up.

As a lover of literature and a person with deep respect for the process this kind of bullshit offends me. It makes me feel ill. The insipid tripe she pushes on people has vampires that wander around in the day and they sparkle. Get that? They sparkle. And there's a strong message of celibacy in her books. Are you fucking kidding me? Vampires, particularly modern vampires ARE sex! Everything they do is centered around sex either figuratively or literally. You have to be some kind of fucking moron to not see it. Or maybe a mormon like Meyers is. Probably both actually with at least a little fairly serious head trauma thrown in for good measure. It's like writing about werewolves that willingly wear leashes and are housebroken and beg for bacon flavored doggie treats. Actually it's more like trying to make a porn movie when you've never had sex or even seen human genitals before.

Fucking ignorant bitch.

The level of disrespect this dumps on the long history of vampire fiction is something I can't recall ever seeing before. I can't think of another example as bad as this horrid, puerile gunch. Hey I heard of these things called vampires! They're like, these things! And they have, like, teeth! I think! And uh...they do stuff! I'm gonna write a book about them except make them nice and sparkly!

Nex time you get the urge to write Stephenie, do us all a favor and take your head out of your ass, run as fast as you can to the nearest convenient set of train tracks and stand on them. Then shoot yourself in the fucking head a split second before the train splatters your worthless ass all over creation you brainless, contemptible, utterly fucking ignorant imbecile.

I'm thinking most of you probably won;t really understand my intense hatred for this woman and that's a shame. Actually it's probably better for you if you don't.

I had more venom to spit but I'm just too tired for it.

Not a gimp...yet.

2009-07-06T20:09:00.004-04:00

So I figure I must be a complete masochist because I'm moving again. You tell yourself things will go smoothly. This is, of course, not true. Everything that can go wrong goes wrong and while your back is turned they bring more wrong shit with them that you didn't even know could go wrong.

Fun.

So the next time I mention a move coming up in the near future I really need one of you to step up and shoot me in the head with a bazooka. It'll be for my own good so I forgive you in advance.

How Dare the Robins Sing

2009-06-16T08:38:00.009-04:00

I found out Sunday that my favorite Uncle had died. He was the only uncle I claimed and the only one I thought anything good about. He alone of all my father's family took any interest in us after my father died. He alone cared about our well being. He alone commanded and received my respect.

Born and raised in a city he somehow had country life in his heart and moved out to the middle of no where after his first marriage ended. He'd still find time to come visit and have us up whenever time and money allowed. He never forgot us and I will never forget him for that.

This was the only man I ever allowed to call me "boy" after I considered myself a man. The image I will always carry of him is the day he came to visit and drew down, old west style, on a group of west Baltimore ghetto rats. They were friends of mine and we were all hanging around outside my house when he drove up for a visit. One of the young lions (not me, I had MUCH better sense) said or did or looked a way the old lion didn't approve of and quick as you please he had a magnum in his hand and under the nose of the offender. After a hasty apology he gave the guy a few dollars and sent him to, "Get me some coddies from the store up yonder. Be quick and mind my change, boy."

Old school.

I could go on and on but I don't imagine him as one to want anyone going on and on about it.

Anderson Collins

Uncle and Friend

Rest In Peace

I'm huge in Slovakia

2009-06-11T20:09:00.007-04:00

You may remember this post from before where I told you about Google Analytics and then listed the keywords people plugged into search engines that led them here (So. Many. Socks.). It cracked me up then and it still cracks me up now (and disturbs me more than a little) so I figured it's time to have another look and see what's gone on from then until now.

I gotta tell you, I'm a little scared.

OK we're up to 49 countries having popped in for a visit. Awesome. Lots and lots of searches for things relating to The Wire, Paul Newman and Terry Pratchett and that, my friends, is a good thing indeed. Apparently people have better taste than I thought.

Now then, on to the...yeah.

Don't hate men anymore. I'm pretty sure she started again while she was here.

Puppies with aids. Great, now I want to kill myself. Thanks. Dick.

Sneezing makes me angry. Dude! Me too! I gotta start a support group for snot filled violent people.

Baltimore misanthrope. You found me. Good job. Now fuck off.

Boss fett worship. Patrick? Something you want to tell us?

Dr. Clitterhouse play on words. The good doctor plays on whatever he wants.

Gameporn. Porn is not a game, son. Porn is serious business. Respect it.

Geeze is an abbreviation for Jesus. Not very abbreviated considering it's the same length. I think you're looking for another word. Anyway, you wanna impress me tell me where Zounds came from smart guy!

Happenstance twice a night. I love it when I get to happenstance twice a night though I need a rest in between happenstances.

www.pornofive.com. I'm not looking. No way, no how.

If you rape a prostitute is it shoplifting joke. AHAHAHAHAHA!! That shit will be funny forever.

Junk noise stuff thing. OK either they were looking for college radio or...no, they were looking for college radio.

Lisa Schwarzbaum is an idiot. I KNOW! And I think I love you a little. Is it too soon to say that? It is isn't it? Damn it...

Sean Tyr the terrible. OK now you're just makin' shit up. Or else your name is Sean Tyr and you're kind of pathetic. Or insane. In which case disregard that first bit.

Perviest thing you ever said. No way dude, Blue reads this sometimes and I am NOT saying that in front of her.

Yep. People are still weird and sad and apparently terrible like our friend Sean (hey buddy!) so I'm not taking the locks off the doors any time soon.

But it's not the weekend...

2009-06-09T19:08:00.004-04:00

An update! Wow, it's been a while. I blame Hoggins. Boy's got issues.

Anyway, things are more or less the same except I'll be moving to a new place next month. Three stories, brand new kitchen, yard and deck (hey for a kid from the ghetto that's a big deal) and a wood burning stove which I don't care about but Rosalita is all fired up for so there's that. I'm told I'll have to start cooking out now and inviting people over which I am against for the most part but I'm also told they'll bring beer so that's pretty cool.

What should I buy myself for a housewarming gift?

My allergies were awful to me today so I have to cut it short but sadly that little but sums it up pretty much.

Do they make a six hour chip?

2009-05-14T21:59:00.005-04:00

On top of my growing love affair with Yuengling I recently found a vodka that tastes like coffee. Not tastes like coffee with vodka in it, it tastes like coffee. Period. I give it two months before I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers starting sentences with, "Hi, my name is..." and telling them how long it's been since my last sweet snort of hooch, which I will lie about of course.

I'm not complaining, it'll totally be worth it.

I'll have you Walking Spanish

2009-04-14T18:17:00.004-04:00

So as is my way I recalled a thing that happened to me sometime after the fact (my memory will come and go as it pleases, wandering away for wild adventures before finally finding its way home to settle down) and when it popped back in my head I blurted it out to the first person I saw, which was Taco.

"Hey", I said, "Did I tell you I got hammered and stole a pirate hat from a liquor store?"

And so it began.

Demands for a complete retelling, pictures of the glorious thing itself, getting other people to demand pictures until I just couldn't take it anymore. So I sent those out to those as asked after them but then I got to thinking that such a fine tale of daring should be shared and passed down to future generations.

So we're out sailing the seas (at a bar) and decide it's lame and to take all the cool people (us) over to Mike's to just hang out. We drop the women off and we hearty menfolk drive to the liquor store to raid it for it's boozey goodness as I'd not had my fill yet.

We arrive (flourish of trumpets) and storm into the joint, as is our way, looking for our chosen plunder. On our way down an aisle I see a Captain Morgan display and on it, a hat. Not just any hat my friends, an awe inspiring cheap plastic pirate hat. It was love at first sight.

"Mike!", I yelled (because, Mike). "Dude!" (because, sometimes, dude). "Look at this hat!"

I put it on and instantly I could sense it had been waiting for me. It was MINE.

Mike turned and, seeing me in all my piratey glory, bellowed, "That is the GREATEST fucking thing I've ever seen!" Truly he is wise.

We raid and plunder the store for our desired libations and boldly stride up to the register, me with my new hat in its rightful place.

"This hat is awesome," I said.

"Look at how awesome that fucking hat is!" Mike added.

They looked upon me and were appropriately moved by my mighty visage.

"Look how great I look in it."

"Look at how fucking gorgeous he is in that thing!" It should be noted that Mike, like so many straight men before him, is confused by the feelings I give him in his swimsuit area.

"I'm taking it with me, obviously."

"There's no WAY he's leaving without it!"

Now you might be saying to yourself, But...stealing is wrong! and you'd be correct. Mostly. There are situations that warrant a little misdemeanor larceny. Some even that demand it. This was one of those times. If police had been present they surely would have applauded me and told everyone to calm down and, if it came to it, stand in front of a judge and declare my actions naught but joy filled shenanigans. Though of course I'm not sure how shenanigans are covered under the law. Does the 3 strikes rule come into play? Are previous shenanigans held against you or in your favor? It's a mystery.

Anyway, we paid for our booze (a noble act on our part, I feel) and headed for the door.

One of the still stunned employees blurted out, "So...you're taking the hat?"

"Yeah. Later."

So I told you all of that to tell you this. I got this cool plastic pirate hat now. It's awesome.

Is that Henry Rollins in pink sweatpants?

2009-04-01T07:03:00.008-04:00

If you can pine for someone or something can you also elm for them/it? Douglas fir? When does it get dirty? Baby I oaked for you all day. What'd you do last night? Redwooded for your fine ass. I'm curious as to how it works.

My petition to the FDA to have fire reclassified as a vitamin on the grounds that nutrition should be awesome is still being ignored. On an unrelated note, this weird black van has started following me everywhere.

I'm still afraid of Skynet. Moreso now than ever before.

I like to come up with answers in advance to questions you get asked a lot. For the inevitable interview question, "What is your biggest weakness?" I've settled on "Kryptonite, tough gal reporters and kneeling before Zod."

The Fuck should be a unit of measure.

I want to buy a motorized scooter they make for the elderly and try to sign up for marathons in it.

Should I be concerned about the number of conversations I start with, "So when the zombies come..."?

I've recently started calling people gormless. I think it needs to make a comeback. Bonus, no one will know what you're talking about. I've gotten my nephew doing it...to his teachers.

"Biggest strength?" "Collapsing probability waveforms."

I am unbeatable at Scene it. Got that? UNBEATABLE!

I want to heckle someone during sex. "Boo! You're terrible at this! I've seen sexier shit in midget porn!" Something along those lines. Just have to remember to cover anything easily hurt and run before they can find anything sharp.

Great way to get out of a stupid conversation: After the other person prattles on for a few sentences stop them and say "Wait, I thought we were talking about my penis. What are you on about?" They'll leave you alone after that.

"Unique quality you can bring to our company?" "Gibbering madness. IA! IA! Cthulhu fhtagn!"

I'm still not on myspace or facebook or twitter. I win. Yay me.

So you've seen it then

2009-02-15T22:31:00.004-05:00

As I was coming in from work on Friday I got the mail, as I always do, and took it in. Once inside I noticed one of the things was a Victoria's Secret catalog. Not being one to just casually toss away a whole magazine filled with pictures of women in nothing but underwear and come hither looks I flipped through it. When I turned it over to look at the back I saw that it was addressed to:

Gigantic Wang

Or Current Resident

So whoever is responsible for this, well, thanks. It's pretty fuckin' funny.

Actually

2009-02-11T20:11:00.004-05:00

Scratch all that. It occurred to me today that while I have been getting pounded down by life since, well, birth, I keep getting up. I thought for a long long time that I was just too stupid to just stay down. That's not it. I keep getting up because you can't beat me bad enough to keep me down. You can take everything from me but when you take everything away from someone all you do is set them free. Kill me? Ha! G'head, kill the lifelong depressive. Pfft.

You pound away and pound away and we can never hit back but still you can't beat me. I'm always going to keep getting back up. You. Can't. Beat. Me. You can however kiss my high yellow ass.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

2009-02-02T09:18:00.005-05:00

Ah life, you miserable fucking whore. Full of ups and downs but it turns out the ups are only there to make the downs worse than they might normally be. Then you get the obligatory "everything will be ok" or "things will get better" from all and sundry which is no help at all because neither of those things are even remotely fucking true and only serve to make you feel like an even shittier and more furious. Keep that shit to yourselves, I don't want to hear it.

Of course this will often lead into someone telling you to let this or that god take care of it. Really? These same gods you people seem to think having been taking care of me up to this point? These same gods that have overseen the most heinous shit being visited on me and mine the entirety of our lives already? Fuck off. If that shit is your idea of something being taken care of then do me a favor and tell your chosen god to fuck off and leave me alone.

Then of course come the brain damaged fuck smudges that love to tell people that it could be worse. Other people somewhere have it worse. Someone in the world is having a worse time of it than you. Really? Is that idiotic bullshit supposed to make someone feel better? Are you fucking retarded? It's ok that you got mugged because someone else got mugged and gangraped. It's ok that you got mugged and gangraped because someone else got mugged, gangraped and then set on fire. It's ok that you got mugged, gangraped and set on fire because someone else got mugged, gangraped, set on fire and then put out by being pissed on by a phalanx of lepers.

This is your helpful input? How about you do something actually helpful and go choke to death on a bag full of diseased cock. That'd be great. Thanks.

Anyway, life. Fuck. You.

Movies '08

2009-01-13T20:35:00.004-05:00

So last year, by my count, I saw 128 movies counting only those movies I saw from start to finish in their entirety. That's actually less than normal but not too bad as far as totals go, I guess. Anyway, here are some of the best.

Let's start with the obvious and say The Dark Knight. Believe the hype. It really was as good as people say and Heath Ledger was flat out brilliant in it. There was nothing bad about it. Writing, directing, acting, editing, music, it's the total package. They even replaced the bad actress from the first one with an actual actress and filled out the only soft spot from the first one. Whether you like comics or not, whether you like Batman or not, you will like this movie.

Next up is Tropic Thunder. Not only is it hysterical, it skewers every single level of the Hollywood machine from directors, actors, agents, producers, FX guys, writers, you name it. Think about it like this, this movie is so funny it made people laugh at a white man in blackface.

Doubt is a powerful story with wonderful acting though I include the disclaimer that I am a huge Philip Seymour Hoffman fan.

Gran Torino is Eastwood displaying his prodigious acting talent. He got some flack for playing a politically incorrect character but I applaud his realistic effort and love it top to bottom.

In Bruges is a movie everyone should see but very few have. Hopefully all the awards it was nominated for will cause more people to seek it out. I love black comedy and this one is black as pitch with sharp writing and acting. Go rent it. Now.

George Romero got back on track after the deeply disappointing Land of the Dead with Diary of the Dead. Yes it's a zombie movie but unlike the crappy ones, it's not about zombies. This entry is about the modern person's inability to disconnect from the constant stream of INPUT. Internet, cell phones, 24 hour cable news, the neverending slam of information that people just can turn away from. Hot damn it's good. Welcome back George.

It wasn't a great year for horror but there was the aforementioned Diary of the Dead, Cloverfield, The Orphanage, Let the Right One In and REC (remade in the U.S. as the vastly inferior Quarantine). On the B-horror front there was Otis and Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! which hit the B bone just the way you like it.

It was a decnt year for the R rated comedy, which I appreciate. I'm a grown person and I like grown person comedies. Pay attention Hollywood. Tropic Thunder and In Bruges were joined by Pineapple Express, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Zach and Miri Make a Porno. Five isn't a huge number but how often do five good R comedies drop in one year?

It also wasn't a great year for indies as far as I'm concerned. Previous years have been much better but this year did have Son of Rambow, Smart People, Be Kind Rewind and my favorite Teeth. Teeth makes female empowerment so empowered it's downright frightening. See it. Soon.

Other notables include Burn After Reading (another solid entry in the Coen brothers army of fine films), Iron Man (which was Downey Jr's big comeback even though he's been in some damn fine movies in the last three or four years), Hellboy II (visually stunning if nothing else), Run Fatboy Run and The Bank Job which I didn't think I would like but I did.

I haven't seen Frost/Nixon, The Wrestler, Revolutionary Road or The Curious Case of Benjamin Button yet (soon though) but I hear very good things about them so they probably deserve a spot on your To View list.

And while Heath Ledger got all the press we should all remember that we lost Paul Newman last year. One of the last remaining titans has fallen. They don't make them like him anymore and he will be sorely missed. We also lost Chuck Heston, Roy Scheider, Isaac Hayes, Sydney Pollack, Cyd Charisse and Eartha Kitt along with many others I forget off the top of my head. Rest in peace, all.

Reading '08

2009-01-05T14:16:00.004-05:00

I wasn't going to do it but Taco will yell at me if I don't so I decided to do much shorter versions than last year and call it even. I'm combining books and comics this time because reading is reading and if you're one of those people that stick your nose up at comics then I don't want your sorry ass reading this anyway. So without further ado, here are my thoughts on all things reading in 2008.

The best reading last year was probably Philip Roth's Indignation. I read one review that called it an interesting failure which is funny because Roth is probably the greatest living American writer and that critic is, well, not. If this is him failing then more people should fail at writing. If you've never read Roth then obviously you have homework now.

Hot on the heels of that was Ed Brubaker's Criminal. If anything, the series gets better the more he puts out. If you like words like pulp, noir, hard case and femme fatale or just like tremendous writing then you'll love this.

Also pick up Supreme Courtship by Christopher Buckley. I love Buckley to pieces and if you've ever wondered what would happen if a U.S. president nominated a television show judge for a spot on the Supreme Court because he's pissed off at the senate, and really who hasn't, then wonder no more.

The best nonfiction was easily The Ten Cent Plague: The Great Comic Book Scare and How It Changed America by David Hajdu. You don't even have to like comics to like this book, that's how good it is.

The best YA book was Neil Gaiman's Graveyard Book just edging out Terry Pratchett's Nation. Both are superb but Gaiman channeled his inner Kipling and produced a book that was flat out amazing.

It seemed to me to be a particularly strong year for first time novelists last year. The best was probably The Somnambulist by Jonathan Barnes. Other very good first novels that have me looking forward to more from their writers were The Witch's Trinity by Erika Mailman, The Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff and A Good and Happy Child by Justin Evans.

Other very worthy '08 releases included:

The Duma Key - Stephen King
The Ghost in Love - Jonathan Carroll
Buffy Season 8 - Joss Whedon
Grendel: Behold the Devil - Matt Wagner
Sharp Teeth - Toby Barlow
2666 - Roberto Bolano
Little Brother - Cory Doctorow

There were obviously many other things published last year that were worth reading but I'm trying to keep it short. If you want recommendations on anything in any genre, just ask.

I also decided to make a note of things that slipped under my radar from previous (though recent) years that I caught up with last year and are more than worth your time. They include:

Absurdistan - Gary Shteyngart
Special Topics in Calamity Physics - Marisha Pessl
An Arsonist's Guide to Writer's Homes in New England - Brock Clarke
The Brief History of the Dead - Kevin Brockmeier

We also mourn the passing of two giants in 2008. Arthur C. Clarke and David Foster Wallace, rest in peace.

Almost went Toby on myself

2008-12-27T13:31:00.003-05:00

So the end of the year brought with it the usual stress and irritation. This year there was a twist. Life decided that I'm just not going through enough. I apparently don't have enough things to be concerned about or to get stressed over. Life, it seems, does not take the holidays off.

A few days a go I woke up in the morning in pain. My foot was killing me. What the hell? It was fine when I went to bed. Had I been sleepwalking and bashed it on something? No time to dwell on it, I had to go to work and it wasn't too terrible a pain. It hurt all that day and night and hurt still when I woke up the next day.

Odd.

The day after that, Christmas day (spit) it got worse. Much worse. It started out about the same but during dinner it started to get worse. After dinner it continued to turn up the pain dial until it reached the point that I can really only describe as unrelenting torment. I got home and took off my sock to find my foot swollen like an overstuffed sausage.

Great.

Yesterday I called my doctor and made an appointment. This meant having to squeeze my disturbingly tumescent foot into a shoe. Even prying it open as far as I could it took me a long time to put it on. The pain dial turned itself up another tic. I get there and have to take the shoe off (wince) for her to see.

Do you eat steak?

Yes.

Seafood?

Of course.

Gout.

...shit.

Why didn't anyone tell me it hurt like this? Someone I know had to have known. Bastards. Anyway I put the shoe back on (wince, quiet moan) and hobbled, yes I was full on hobbling at this point, to go for the X-ray she wanted just in case. Shoe back off (groan), X-Ray, shoe back on (snarl, quiver) and finally home. No red meat, no seafood and no beer until it goes away.

Oh joy.

Here I am today, foot still swollen, wondering if people will still ask me next year why I hate this time of year so much. Maybe I'll smash their feet with a sledge hammer and ask them if that improves their mood or makes it worse.

Except for the Elvis CD, I can do without it

2008-12-22T21:11:00.004-05:00

I already went into this at length last year, so I'll just say this:

Make it stop. Please.

He's got pie in his eyebrow...

2008-12-04T20:51:00.005-05:00

I wish my brain had a mouth so it could actually vomit once in a while.

Popcorn flavored jelly beans are fucking gross. Seriously. You'd think it'd be great. Jelly beans! Yay! Popcorn! Yay! Then you chew the jelly bean and it tastes. Like. Popcorn. So nasty.

OK stop reading and go get a dictionary. I'll wait. OK, now look up the word decimate. Got it? Read it. Twice. Done? Great. Now stop fucking misusing it you nerve wracking bastards!

Fuck Michigan.

Do dropped text messages go to the same place that odd socks and lost pens go? Maybe it's more compartmentalized. Divisions of labor and whatnot. They all go to the main area together and then get divided up and stored individually. Either way, can I get all my shit back? Please?

So I was reading the paper as is my wont (because I'm not miserable enough obviously) and I come across an article about, wait for it, competitive yoga. Think about that. Competitive yoga. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm more enlightened than you! Eat it bitch! What's next, competitive Judaism? Shalom, motherfucker!

Do amputees get drunk faster than normal folk?

Nascar. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Two things that do not go well together: Toothpaste and orange juice. Make a note.

Y'know what would be awesome? If Rob Zombie wrote a biography of Pee Wee Herman.

Rock me sexy Jesus.

I've been listening to a lot of Pink Floyd and Judas Priest lately. A lot. Now I can't decide whether to dress in leather head to toe and ponder my own sanity or sodomize my inner child. Tough call.

Just like the Pilgrims!

2008-11-26T21:32:00.004-05:00

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving which is, I'm told, not just for huge turkey dinners and football. Doesn't sound right to me but I'll go with it for now. So in the spirit of the holiday I will put aside my usual angry ranting and share some positivity with you.

So far this year I have been thankful for:

Books that set the mind on fire.

Movies that demand you watch them over and over.

Music that can never be loud enough.

Comic books good enough to be given in college English courses.

Every lunatic (re: all of you) at the Preserve. I have extra holiday Poje for you all.

Boobs so big they make every shirt look tight. Truly thou art blessed and thanks for sharing.

Stick nun porn and long distance sauce Not It.

The wonderful bead man, Artie C, that protects me while I sleep.

Shotgun Sodomy DVDs.

Pictures of nuns in skintight rubber.

Godzilla.

Football. Football. Football.

HDTV.

Football on HDTV.

Laughing so hard it hurts your ribs.

The Daily Beast.

Lolcats.

xkcd

Ricky Gervais.

The insane fun of the Wii.

Yuengling.

Joss Whedon.

The end of Dubya's reign of stupidity being in sight at last.

Hot girl on girl action.

The four day work week. YAY!

Stale peanut butter fudge.

The divine Ray Lewis.

Chicks that know as much about sports as I do. It's fucking hot.

And obviously my family and friends.

Even though I tend to hate life and most of the things in it I can still find things to be thankful for. Weird, right? I know. Anyway for those of you that fill me with the warm fuzzies, I'm thankful for you. So thanks.

I have one too and it's not all that special

2008-11-12T09:40:00.008-05:00

I'd like to share a conversation I was involved in with you, mostly so I can share my pain. Please read to the end as it doesn't go where you think it's going to go.

Me (Seeing something about Sarah Palin): God, I can't stand her. I'm so glad they didn't get elected I can't even tell you.

Woman (who is overly religious): Me too. She shouldn't be anywhere near the White House.

Me: I know! She's such an imbecile! She comes off like a total airhead and that "I'm just a regular soccer mom" schtick is such an obvious put on it makes me physically ill.

Woman: Plus she's a woman.

Me: ...what?

Woman: Women shouldn't hold public office especially vice president or president. She should be home taking care of her family.

Me: What!? (Followed by an angry tirade against this completely ignorant and utterly offensive line of thinking.)

Here I have someone, a woman no less, telling me that no woman should be an elected official because she has no right to not be at home being a servant to her family. Actually no, servants get paid. It was her religion telling her this. Her stupid fucking religion. She's married to a worthless piece of shit by the way who she thinks is better than her based solely on the fact that he has, allegedly, a dick.

The pure ignorance of this line of thinking makes my head hurt. It robs me of coherent argument and leaves me red faced and shouting. Of course I already knew that religion poisons minds but when it leaps out at you when you aren't expecting it in ways that raise the bar for offensive stupidity it's like discovering it for the first time all over again.

I don't give a fuck what your magic book says, it's wrong. Not wrong like you like a band I don't and I call you wrong. Wrong like you saying the sky is brown or water is dry or Pi is 7.1972645. Wrong. Not opinion. Fact. You are wrong. For the love of all things how can people still think this way in the 21st century?

Eventually I remembered my rule and ended the back and forth. It's a good rule so I'll share it with you again. Arguing with religious people is like taking a head first run at a brick wall. When it's over your head will hurt and the wall won't have noticed you were even there.

Thank you, religion, for fucking up yet another otherwise intelligent person with your poisonous ignorance.

An open letter

2008-11-04T23:31:00.004-05:00

Dear America,

To say we don't always get along would be understating it. I mostly find that we don't see eye to eye on, well, damn near everything. As a rule I have little to no respect for the majority of you and I make no bones about it and never try to hide it. I find you small, closed minded, willfully ignorant and painfully self involved.
But sometimes you surprise me. Sometimes you reach way down deep and pull something out that makes me think there's hope for you yet. And never let it be said that I'm too high and mighty to say so when it happens. It happened tonight. At 11:00 PM Eastern time I heard it announced that you had called out for the same change that I so desperately wanted. The same change that I could barely hope I would see.
Sometimes you do right by me and I'm not above saying thank you. So America, with complete sincerity and from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You bought yourself some respect from me and that's not easy to come by. Try not to waste it.

Yours,

-S

Funny like puppies with AIDS

2008-10-23T18:59:00.005-04:00

Maybe it's me. Maybe I've been explaining it wrong. Maybe in the middle of explaining it I have, unknowingly, started speaking Swahili. Or maybe everyone else is a fucking moron.

Yeah, probably that last one.

OK, once more from the top for everyone who can't seem to understand simple concepts like fire is hot or stabbing yourself in the face with a jagged pointy stone will hurt you. I'll try to speak slowly and not use too many big words.

It's not funny to purposely get on other people's nerves. Not funny. Not. Fucking. Funny. If you do something that you KNOW is going to piss someone off, you're not funny. You're a fucking nimrod who isn't smart enough to have a real sense of humor. You know how I know it's not funny? I used my psychic powers to read the minds of every single person on the entire planet and it was a unanimous vote. Not one of the people on this planet finds it amusing in even the smallest way when someone tries to irritate them. You know why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING IRRITATING THEM YOU MOUTH BREATHING, BRAIN DAMAGED SHIT STAIN!

How the fuck do you not understand this? If you do something that you know I hate or know pushes my buttons why in the name of all things great and small would I find that funny? How fucking ignorant do you have to be to think that I would? What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you retarded? Would you think it was funny if I was doing something you hate to you? No, you wouldn't. Because you fucking hate it! And making the drooling twit standing next to your dumb ass laugh doesn't count. He's clearly as fucking idiotic as you are and if you started pissing him off, he'd stop laughing. Because it's not funny! And when your goal is to piss me off and I get pissed off how the fuck did you not see that coming? Why do you always act surprised? You were trying to piss me off! It worked! Now you want to be upset when I start yelling at you? Do the world a favor and go choke on something.

For fuck's sake, I'm not trying to explain String Theory to you after you've taken a sharp blow to the head. I'm saying things that anyone who doesn't expect a hug and a medal every time they run four steps should fucking know.

Fire hot. Face stab hurts. Pissing people off isn't the same as being funny.

Look, if your arsenal of humor is a stockpile of shit that annoys other people, you aren't funny. Acknowledge it, admit it, embrace it and fucking stop trying to fucking be it. You're. Not. Funny. Get over it and shut the fuck up.

The next one that does it is getting punched in the mouth. That's going to be my version of your kind of humor. How hard do you think you'll be laughing with a broken jaw?

Arbor Day gets no respect

2008-10-15T18:39:00.004-04:00

So while I was off on Monday (four day work weeks are awesome) I decided to go to get my driver's license stuff straight. I have to renew my tags but I can't until I get a change of address on my license which I can't do online and for free like everyone else (whole other issue) so since I don't sleep anyway and was up at the ass crack of dawn I decided to just go and do it. I grabbed a book figuring to be there for a while even if I was way early and off I went.

I get there a bit before they usually open and I see that there are hardly any cars in the lot. Five or six tops. Sweet, maybe I won't be forever and a day. I park and walk over and what do you know?

They're closed.

What. The. Fuck.

Now I'm pissed off and confused but I get home without killing anyone. Why the hell are they closed? To the interwebnets! Ah. I see. Columbus Day. The only "holiday" that challenges Valentine's Day for dumbest and most pointless. Wow, he got on a ship and sailed for a while and ended up meeting some people that they didn't know were there.

Big fucking deal.

He discovered nothing. He did nothing of note except open the door for the eventual heinous crimes against the natives. Good job. Totally worthy of a holiday. Either way I have yet another reason to hate Columbus Day.

Fucker.

Like the Coelacanth only rarer

2008-10-02T19:09:00.003-04:00

I have found a thing so rare that I believed that it might be only a myth or if it did exist that it was a thing long since extinct. I fear you may not believe me because of the seeming outlandish nature of my claim but I swear it's true. Every word.

I can still hardly credit it but I found...good customer service.

Wait! Don't walk away! It's true! Good customer service exists! I've experienced it and been changed by it. It was almost a religious experience.

I ordered some stuff from Amazon and they send the email telling you your package has shipped. Always very exciting. I make full use of their Track Your Package option. I love that thing. It's addicting and hypnotic. Anyway, according to their site the package was delivered yet I didn't have it. I called the post office and they tell me they don't have it and have no record of it.

Not good.

I go to Amazon's site looking for a phone number hoping against hope that I could talk to an actual human being and get some help. Silly, I know. Anyway, I found an option that said to click here to have Amazon call you now. What the hell. I type in my number and click.

My phone begins to ring immediately. Immediately.

I answer and hear a voice say please hold while we connect you with a representative. Seconds later an actual live human picks up the line and asks how he can help. I of course suspect a trick right away but I explain the problem. He checks my info and looks up the package. Within a couple of minutes he apologizes to me for my inconvenience and puts in the order again to be shipped free of charge. I didn't even get to the part where I yell and say really mean things. I didn't even get to raise my voice a little bit.

The replacement box was against my door when I got home from work. The receipt showed a charge of $0. My entire belief system was shaken down to the core. I had a problem, contacted the source and had the problem instantly corrected without argument.

Good customer service. It's real. I've seen it.

I'm shakin' it, boss

2008-09-27T10:15:00.005-04:00

I've just heard that Paul Newman has died. I hope I don't need to go on at length about why this is a tragedy of monumental proportion. Butch Cassidy has ridden into the sunset. Eddie Felson has hustled his last. Reggie Dunlop will goon no more. Luke has finally stopped shaking the world.

A true Hollywood giant, the likes of which they can't make more of, has fallen and the world is a little dimmer today as a result. Even taking away all that he gave to movie lovers, his philanthropy alone would be enough to mourn his passing. Last I heard he'd pulled together in excess of 200 million dollars worth of charitable contributions. Wrap your mind around that.

Rest in peace Mr. Newman. There will never be another like you.

I'm looking at you, London...

2008-09-22T15:38:00.004-04:00

A long time back Google put out a cool little thing, shocking I know, that a few of us decided to use for shits and giggles. It was Google Analytics. You use it to track traffic on your site and see who is looking and how they're looking and so on and so forth. We tooled around with it for a while and then more or less forgot about it. It's a great tool but our blogs and such don't really have enough traffic to need constant tracking.

Anyway, I remembered that it was there and went to check it. Most people that visit here use Firefox and have cable, no surprises there. Most visits come from the U.S. and from 38 total countries so far, that's pretty cool. Hmmm...what's this, the keywords that people plugged in that brought them here. This should be good for a laugh or three.

OK, let's see here, we have quite a few about the Arizona Tea label. Maybe I'm not the only one that noticed it has a fucking slave on it. Searches for books and movies and music and shows and comics that I've mentioned. Nothing strange there. Let's look a little deeper.

Thagatha photos. I don't know what that means.

Monica Bellucci chocolate. Nothing wrong with that, brother.

Things in fives. That makes sense.

Fuking in stoking. I uh, I don't know what you're trying to say to me but I don't think I like it.

Everything but your underwear. Hahaha. Good times.

Take off your socks. No. No I will not.

Take off my socks. I don't even know you!

Real torture porn. What. The. Fuck.

Vulnerable naked man. Taco?

Celebrity fishing. Really, dude? Really?

Clothes socks off gyno. Is it wrong that that one turns me on a little?

Cinemax late night hot girls. But that one doesn't. It's sad that you can't commit and search for actual porn.

Everything that got to with devil. I'm sorry, what?

Fucking I stoking. First in stoking and now I stoking? Who are you!? What are you trying to tell me!!??

Evil master of suction. I give up. You found me.

Grimmstail. Look out Grimmy, someone's looking for you.

Excuses not to take off socks. ...ew.

Gyno gown socks off. What is it with you people and socks? Seriously?

Hate engine. Mine is custom. Get your own.

He's stoking me. I don't even want to know what the hell was going on there.

How many stuff things are there. Dude. SO many!

How to use a urinal without showing your junk. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Don't be ashamed of your tiny weiner! Show it with pride!

lolgoats. Fuck you! We invented that, motherfucker!

Maple syrup lubricant. First of all how did that lead here and second, eeeeeeewwwwww!

Zombi porn. Taco?

A dozen more things about socks...get a hobby people. For reals.

Obsessive compulsive scratch even number licking disorder-cat-dog. I don't have the words to describe the level at which I do NOT want to meet this person EVER.

Zebulon banner. Why didn't I think of that!? This is the best thing ever!

Stuff to do late night in Crystal Lake. Besides getting fucking killed you mean? Not much.

Taptaptap sex porn. What the fuck are you tapping on? And stay away from my precious sex porn!

Why are some scorpios so mean? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

So yeah, people are weird. They're apparently a bunch of sock obsessed, porn wanting, pet licking, tiny dicked freaks that should never be allowed to interact with other folk. By other folk I mean me. Keep them away from me. I'm going to go hide everything I own and buy some more locks for the door.

He just refuses to learn

2008-09-15T18:52:00.004-04:00

I've said before and will say again that hell is hope. Plain and simple, hell is the hope of a better tomorrow that will never come. All the most vile torments of hell would lose most of their power if you could genuinely be rid of all hope that it would stop. But you see, this is hell so that won't happen. That's the nature of it. You see other people get a better tomorrow and it forces hope upon you. You see people that deserve nothing have everything and along with anger it thrusts hope into your chest because, gods damn it, why not you too?

It's hell you see?

Now you'd think I would know better. That I could break the cycle. Well, maybe you don't think that because while I share some things I tend to play it close so even if you know quite a lot about me and my own personal hell, you know only a fraction. That being the case then, I think that I would have learned by now. Learned to stop.

God, how I've tried. You have no idea how hard.

And yet.

But.

Damn it.

Here is hope again. Hounding me. Demanding attention. Forcing me to let it in against my will. Literally against my will. I don't want you here. I know what you are. And yet. But. Damn it. Here you are old friend. Old enemy. Most loved and most hated. Come on in one more time. Do your worst one more time.

See you tomorrow.

Misanthrope: mis-ahn-throhp - noun

2008-09-01T23:52:00.005-04:00

OK, here's the thing. Maybe I am a little arrogant and maybe I do walk into every room like I'm the best thing in it but you know what? I come by my arrogance honestly and most of the time I AM the best fucking thing in the room. I have it on good authority that I really am as smart as I think I am or close enough that it makes no difference and no, I'm not exactly the type to dumb down for the huddled masses yearning to scrape together a coherent thought so the huddled masses get a little touchy from time to time.

I told you that to tell you this:

It's not my fault that you're a moron. It's not my fault that you aren't as smart as me. It's not my fault that I make you feel inferior. It's your fault. So please, in future, try your best to not to be filled with such mean spirited glee if you happen across some obscure bit of trivia that I am not overflowing with information about or some little nugget of knowledge that I couldn't write an A+ term paper on at a moment's notice. Asking me about things of this nature and then going on and on in a too loud voice about how you've found something that I don't know everything about only points out to anyone with half a brain that you're a fucking ignorant douche with enough insecurities about your own third rate intellect to fill a warehouse. The fact that you were asking me in the first place means that you didn't know and the first person you thought to come to was me.

If your life is so fucking pathetic that you get real joy from finding things that I'm not filled to the brim with information about then please, in all seriousness, go lay down in the street and wait for the solution which should be along directly. Or, as a personal favor to me, shut the fuck up you mouth breathing troglodytes because I'm not just the smartest person in the room, I'm also probably the biggest and the most prone to violence. Step carefully.

And while I'm on the subject of people and their annoying habits, I have a request for the ladies who are dieting. No one wants to fucking hear about your diet that you've been on for the last FOUR FUCKING YEARS that has resulted in you losing and regaining the same 7 1/2 fucking pounds! Here's an idea you fucking whale, next time you're shopping DON'T buy the box of Twinkies and the box of Ding Dongs and the box of Ho Hos and the nine bags of chips and oh why not one more box of Twinkies.

And you on the other side? No one wants you to hover around all day so you can tell us how many fucking points the things that we're eating are worth in your diet. I don't want to hear that my pineapples are worth five whole points with that idiot's smirk on your face because your bag of twigs and pebbles are only worth two. Here's a news flash for you, you're still getting bigger and I'm the only one here losing any weight. No one fucking cares. Shut. The fuck. Up.

Thank you.

So baffling I don't have words for it

2008-08-25T10:29:00.003-04:00

My auto insurance company sent me a check. Not a bill, a check. Recent changes on my policy made my bill go down and they sent me a check to cover the overpayment. An insurance company sent a check. Unasked for. I am utterly confused by this turn of events. I cashed it this morning so it was definitely a real check. From an insurance company.

I think I need to have a lie down over this whole thing. But first, a couple of updates!

Toby is not thriving. He looks sickly. I moved him outside (and changed his name accordingly) to see if he'll flourish there. Let's hope or else there will be amputations.

I had a doctor's appointment last Friday and I've dropped more weight. This is good. Very good indeed.

And just for Taco, see what I got here? It's a new special edition of Dark City. SAY THAT YOU LOVE IT! SAY IT!

As you were.

Paging Dr. Clitterhouse

2008-08-12T08:57:00.004-04:00

So yeah, not really random and not really massive updatey goodness but maybe the lovechild of those two.

LOVECHILD! NEVER MEANT TO BE!

*ahem*

Right then, I've been moved into the new place for a few weeks now and I likes it. You never can tell how much you truly missed the quiet until you get it back. The new TV is exerting some kind of strange power over me. Sometimes I have to resist the urge to just turn it on and stare at it. It might be evil. I wouldn't get rid of it for that, I'm just sayin' if I disappear that's where you should look for me, Poltergeist-Carol Ann style.

I got a big ass plant for the place now. It's a kind of palm tree that I named Toby. I'd tell you why I named it that but it's the kind of thing that's really only funny if you have no sense of right and wrong. I thought it was hysterical. It also made me realize that I need more plants.

I realized that I don't own any porn. At all. None. That can't be healthy. fett was supposed to supply me with nun porn but did he? Did he!? NO!

I still have nothing hanging on the walls. Still. I have things to hang, I just haven't put them up. I'm a lazy, lazy man.

Again with the uproar for the new Madden? No thanks. I've played Madden since the very beginning and I have no interest. One thing I've learned is that whoever the actual Madden is gaga over will be unbeatable in the game. So if you don't pick New England and you play them, they will smash you and I am NOT picking them. I got NCAA '09 instead.

Speaking of football, it's almost here. GET EXCITED, BITCHES!

Taco, your brother says you're a dirty filthy liar and he denies all knowledge of the incident in question.

I finally managed to track down and purchase the only book I didn't own by my favorite author. It's been out of print for long and long and every time I've seen it for sale, always online, it's either outrageously priced or held together with spit and hope. I got it used but in damn fine condition. I am extremely well pleased by this. A few of you can kind of imagine my level of yay over it.

After adding up my trade-ins and applying them I paid $2.16 for my copy of Spaced. So not only do I finally own it, I only paid 2 bucks for it brand new. Sometimes life forgets to shit on you and it is good.

After much begging and coercing my company has moved a bunch of us to 4 day work weeks. The savings on gas alone are more than worth the extra long four days. Plus having off every Monday does NOT suck. Lounging around reading or watching movies while everyone else is at work makes me happy in the pant covered area. If I wore pants. Which I don't. Cast off the fabric chains of the oppressor!

Lately I've been telling everyone I'm hung like an elevator button. No one else seems to think it's funny. Heathens, one and all.

How is it that there are only two weeks between the spring and autumn softball leagues? Can I get a rest!? No? Fine!

I went through my books while I was unpacking them after the move to do a great purge like I've been threatening to do for some time now. I took out 203 books which will get donated to this thing I support. I think my book buying might, might, be a bit out of hand when I can pick out 200+ books to give away and still have 7 full shelves. I probably have about a thousand left. I figure as long as I own a book I haven't read I can never die. At this rate I'll live for...ever actually.

I miss Toby.

I think a friend of mine is going to ask me out pretty soon. I've been celibate, by choice, for the last five years. I'm not sure how I feel about this whole situation. Clearly I'll have to find a way for Mario Kart to decide what I should do.

Seriously, elevator button. It's shameful.

There was other stuff I wanted to talk about but I've forgotten all of it. Ah memory, you dodgy old bird.

Five by five

2008-07-24T07:46:00.003-04:00

Really just touching base as I'm still a little too tired for anything involved or requiring, y'know, thinking.

I finished unpacking all my stuff and getting my books organized on their shelves again. That by itself is a whole process that has a life of its own. I set aside 203 books to find new homes for and decided to just give them to a charity for children which will sell them and use the money for food and clothes and stuff. I know what it's like to be a poor kid and it's not pleasant.

I'm this close to talking Taco into visiting soon. Once I get him in a real city he'll never want to leave. One at a time, I'll get you all. I am not patient by nature but I can wait. I can wait...

The bikes on Mario Kart are still kicking my ass.

I finally got back to my normal sleeping pattern of not enough instead of none at all. Is there some secret to getting more? It seems that most people sleep quite well. What am I doing wrong?

IYK has a crusty gine. Pass it on.

Spaced is finally out on DVD here. What the hell took them so long?

I really need to quit caffeine. It'll be brutal and painful. Much like being in a relationship.

That's all the time we have today. Tune in next time for what we hope will be a real post.

Listen! Do you smell something?

2008-07-07T11:41:00.003-04:00

So I'm not sure what to do or what to think. Life has been going in a way best described as not downward for a little while now and it's something that I'm so unused to that it seems...wrong. I'm a little scared I don't mind telling you.

As best I can determine it kind of started at the beginning of the year. My boss' boss saw that I was basically about to quit and reordered my job so that I got moved away from the guy that everyone hates and reported directly to him instead. Good. Then I moved again to a much nicer office. Good. Then I not only survived the lay-offs I came out of it pretty much promoted and given the opportunity, albeit through hard work and some difficulty, to really shine. Pretty damn good.

Then I finally found a place that would not only approve me for a lease but wasn't a place I felt like I was settling for. I move this week to a place that is neither small nor dirty nor in a manky neighborhood nor way out in the middle of nowhere. I actually like the place and they approved me. I think maybe one or two of you know the full story about my fall from grace and resultant struggle to pull myself back out of the muck so let me just say that this is more than a big deal. This is huge. Huger than I can say without going into the whole story, which I'm not going to do.

For the first time in so long I can barely remember it, the future is not completely bereft of light. I don't feel like I'm drowning in abject misery all day everyday. Sometimes I even smile a bit. It's odd I know but it's true. I was there. I felt it happen.

Paranoia is of course quite high. Every time I start to step up I tend to get swatted back down harder than the last time. I can't take that. Not again. Think happy thoughts, everyone. There appears to be light at the end of the tunnel. I sincerely hope it's sunshine.

All you need in life is a little place for your stuff.

2008-06-23T10:40:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning and the first thing that greeted me was news that George Carlin had died. What can you say about ol' George that hasn't been said already? Not much. All I can really say is that he was and will ever be my favorite comic ever. The very first time I ever heard him he made me laugh so hard that I stopped breathing. Literally. Over the course of many years I watched many HBO specials and listened to many albums and read his three books and he never failed to make me laugh and think.

Rest in peace, George. There will never be another like you.

Ain't life grand?

2008-06-14T00:16:00.005-04:00

We just got finished with a bloodbath at my company. Many many people let go, pretty much at random. The decisions came from the corporate office and to them we're all just a bunch of faceless names on a a sheet of paper. They show up, axe a bunch of people and move to the next location to repeat the carnage. It has not been a pleasant time for anyone.

I survived the reaping intact but now I have two jobs. Literally. They chopped one guy in my department and ALL of his work has landed squarely on my desk. Still just the one paycheck though. Two jobs to one check is a bad ratio. I'm going to have to go ahead and come out firmly against it.

Bleh. I'll make it work and get it organized to within an inch of its life so that no one will miss him (on a work level anyway, I assume some people will miss him personally. I hear that's what normal people do.) I'm already being told what a wonderful job I'm doing by all and sundry and that I'm already doing his job better than he did. This doesn't fill me with confidence though. Considering that the last bunch of folks to get axed were mostly picked using the throw darts at a list of names method does it matter how well I do my job?

Companies ask what happened to employee loyalty. That shit works both ways, people.

Re: Elections

2008-06-05T19:05:00.003-04:00

Dear Hillary Clinton,

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Sincerely,

Me

One must wonder how one the biggest, most irrational egos I've ever seen deals with having to admit that it lost. I bet there were tears. Huge hysterical tears. Hehehe.

Where the hell have I been?

2008-05-28T14:59:00.003-04:00

Yikes. It's been a minute or two, huh? I haven't been on hardly at all the last month or so. I've been trying to catching up on a combination of reading, writing and DVD watching. While I've been successful at that I've been neglecting this. BOOOOO!!!

Indeed. Boo.

I think this is the part where I make some halfassed comment about trying harder and doing better and similar. So yeah. I'll get right on that.

I do actually have some stuff put down on here so fear not ye faithful few. More sextacular words by me are forthcoming.

Who put this on?

2008-04-28T17:26:00.003-04:00

It's on random!

I haven't updated for a ridiculous amount of time but I have good reasons, none of which I'm going to share. Neener.

How miserable do you think the very first gay person was? Think about it.

Did you ever notice that every time a rock station does a promo for itself it ALWAYS goes like this:
"We play the rock!"
*snippet from song you like*
"The rock!!"
*snippet from song you really like*
"THE ROCK!!"
*snippet from song you love*
THE ROCK!! NOW!!"
*plays absolutely shitty song you hate in its entirety*

I'm given to understand that I really am engaged now. I'm going to need some of you to attend or my side of the audience is going to look pretty pathetic. I'll keep you posted.

It bugs the ever lovin' shit out of me that Saturday is called Saturday. It completely clashes with the other days of the week. A day each for the sun and moon. Fine. Then days, in order, for Tyr, Odin, Thor and Frigg. ALL Norse. Then a day for Saturn. A roman titan. What the fuck, man? I demand that this be changed before it causes my head to explode. I've been stressing over it since childhood and I can't take much more. Write to your congressman.

It really pisses me off when people end every other sentence with "right now." I am so tired right now. I am really upset right now. I am so confused right now. Listen people, we all understand that you're talking about the present. If you just say "I am so tired." we won't assume you meant last week or three day from now. Y'see the fact that you said "I am" indicates the present tense. We don't need further clarification. Knock it the fuck off. Right now.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Did you ever notice that if a piece of chocolate melts and then sets up again it tastes completely different? What's that all about?

Stop pronouncing the W in sword. It makes you sound like a moron and it pisses me off. Don't ask me why because I don't know, it just does.

Have you ever stared at the sky until it frightens you? Try it, it's awesome.

So far this year I have seen 53 movies from credits to credits. I have no idea how many partials. I watch a lot of partials.

I put my pants on both legs at once. Out of spite.

Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence...

2008-04-09T20:41:00.003-04:00

How is it that when I sign another blood pact with Taco about writing that I get an email telling me that one of my favorite small press publishers is taking applicants now for its yearly boot camp for writers? I suspect polar bears are involved somehow, as they usually are. I will now try to find ways to make fire be the answer I'm looking for.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled web browsing.

What do you know, I still had some drool left.

2008-03-31T19:42:00.004-04:00

Last weekend was the spring edition of Horrorfind weekend. You might remember me mentioning it last year at about this time and it's still awesome. How awesome? Three words:

George. Fucking. Romero.

The right thinking portion of the audience understands. The rest of you are in serious danger of being dead to me. Either way I am pleased to say that I have touched and talked to George Romero (who is WAY taller than I thought he was). Not only that but there were cast reunions for all five of his Dead movies. The front of my NotLD DVD is covered with writing. I can neither confirm nor deny that I've done disturbing things with it since the mass signing. I'd wash my hands after handling it if I were you though.

Anyway, day 1 was all about George and company and spending what amounted to an entire week's pay in the dealer's room. This time out it was heavily loaded toward the movie end of it though I did score a few good books. The highlight of day 1 was stopping by the Borderlands Press table. They're always there and I always buy something. BP is run by Thomas Monteleone who is also a writer I like quite a bit. As I was browsing we struck up a conversation. Not me drooling on him but a real conversation. We talked about books and movies and similar. We agreed on virtually everything and he suggested some things for me to track down that he thought I should be aware of. Bonus: he also hates a lot of the same people I do. Some of you know who public enemy number 1 is and he doesn't like him either. I was filled with joy. We spent a few minutes mocking him in particular. We chatted for almost an hour all together. He's a really nice and interesting guy on top of being a good writer. He also gave me some writing advice free of charge and that's never a bad thing considering the source.

Day 2 started with a screening of NotLD. I'd never seen it on a screen bigger than a TV so this was grabtacular indeed. As usual it made me want to find and destroy zombies but in a much bigger way. The big screen makes a great thing even better. If you ever have the chance, jump on it.

This was followed by another lap around the dealer's room then back over to the theater for some sneak previews and panels with indie film makers. Always fun. This led me into the readings. I love the readings. Hearing a writer read his story aloud, if he is a good storyteller, is a real treat for me. Plus the Q & A's are usually good for at least a little nugget or two.

Ah sweet Horrorfind. Where else can you meet Chainsaw Sally, dressed in the full get up including the Oh Shit I'm Trying And Failing To Hold These Things In shirt and find that she's awesome and very happy indeed to sign your DVD? Of course, being born the day after me in the same year means she's the appropriate sign to contain the awesome but still.

Between this and meeting James Morrow my weekend was packed with awesome. I feel obligated to report that I smiled. Apparently numerous times and for fairly lengthy stretches at a time. I'm given to understand it was something worth seeing.

Idol worship? Don't mind if I do!

2008-03-27T23:51:00.006-04:00

As some of you may know, I am a voracious reader. I read more than anyone I know or have ever known. When asked to describe myself using only one word the word I pick most often is bookworm. I love books quite a lot. If my ability to read were ever taken from me I would likely throw myself in front of a train or off a very tall building. I tell you this to give you some idea of how great my night was.

I got to meet my favorite living writer tonight. This is equivalent to a religious zealot getting to meet, at the very least, St. Peter/Moses/Mohammed/you get the point.

The writer in question is James Morrow. As I said he is my favorite living writer. This puts him at the top of a very long list. To say I love his books is understating it. When I hear a new one of coming out I ride a wave of bliss for several days. You can imagine what it's like when I actually lay hands on them. Of course I buy them immediately but I don't start reading them right away. Having a James Morrow book I haven't read for the first time yet is an event and has to be savored. This last time I lasted almost a week. It was a lovely kind of agony while it lasted.

Anyway, I was sniffing around online and found that he was doing some signings in support of the new book. The closest stop was over 100 miles away. I instantly put in for that day off work and planned to attend.

You know how sometimes you might wonder what famous types are like in person? You might get nervous about meeting them in case they're raging assholes and you lose all respect for them. No such problem this night. I was the first one there and when he arrived I was still sitting in the reading area by myself. He walked right up and shook my hand and introduced himself. I am pleased to report that I neither fainted nor soiled myself. Huzzah! Throughout the event he was witty, warm, highly intelligent and quick to smile, basically exactly the way I hoped he would be except for the part where we become lifelong friends and he puts me in his next book.

There was a reading and then a Q & A. I managed to ask a question that I think wasn't too annoying or stupid and have him give an answer that was far better than the question deserved. It was, in a word, awesome.

I don't know if it's worth mentioning or not but it occurs to me that my last post was about the very sad death of Arthur C. Clarke and this one is about James Morrow. I bought my first James Morrow book because of a great blurb on it from Arthur C. Clarke.

Several things jumped out at me and will stick with me but the one thing that has now made me respect the man himself at the same level that I respect his work, and something that would make any right thinking person switch from religion to scientific humanism, was this quote about people, children in particular:

"I believe in original virtue as opposed to original sin."

That alone was worth the trip.

Against the laws of nature, there is no appeal.

2008-03-18T19:40:00.004-04:00

It makes me incredibly sad to have to say that Sir Arthur C. Clarke has passed away after giving the world a mere 90 years. Would that he could have had 90 more.

When asked who my favorite sf writer is, the answer is invariably Arthur C. Clarke but he was much more than that. He wasn't just a good sf writer, he was a damn fine writer, period. As far as sf goes he wasn't a giant of the field, he was a titan. The fact that he wanted to be remember as a writer in spite of his many other accomplishments says all I would ever need to know about him.

I could go on at great length about all the things that make him great but you either already know or probably never will. If the former then I grieve with you, if the latter then I pity you.

Mr. Clarke, for all of the many hours of joy and wonder you have given me I can only say thank you and as long as I live you will never be forgotten.

You gotta keep the devil way down in the hole.

2008-03-10T20:54:00.003-04:00

And just like that, it's over. The Wire is gone for good. David Simon wanted five seasons to tell his story and after five, it is no more. I'm having some difficulty with it.

The Wire wasn't just a show. It was too big to ever think of it as merely a show. It was powerful and riveting. It was a force of nature. It came down like the hand of God and said, "Here. Look at this. This is the world and this is how it really works. No bullshit."

From the lowest of the low to the highest halls of power you saw everything and everything you saw was truth. An entire city was deconstructed from the sewers up and you were shown how it all fit together from the hard light of day on the streets to the man behind the curtain during the darkest time of night. No one was safe and the only thing held sacred was the truth.

This wasn't some same old same old cop show that was mostly about great cops, with maybe one sort of flawed guy in there for flavor, that always got their man and taught you a valuable lesson and everything was tidy before the credits rolled. Not all the cops were that great and most of them were deeply flawed. The criminals got equal time and equal development and some of them actually made you give a damn about them. Then there were the lawyers, judges, teachers, school kids, union workers both dirty and clean, wise guys, reporters and politicians of all makes and models. You've never seen so many characters in one show and they were ALL great.

I was drawn to it because I recognized the streets where they filmed. That was my city they were showing and they better not fuck it up. I stayed because having seen it I couldn't look away. This was, without exception, the best series to ever air on TV. Ever.

So to the entire cast and crew and to Mr. Simon I say thank you. It was my honor to have experienced this wonderful and amazing thing that you created.

Wait...what?

2008-03-05T17:14:00.005-05:00

So there I was over at another carbon based being's home and there had been a recent trip to the video store. Never one to pass up an opportunity to watch a movie I ask what they are and when the watching is going to commence. Let's see what we have here...Michael Clayton, 30 Days of Night and Beowulf and the watching will commence...now!

I'd just seen Michael Clayton so they put in 30 Days first. They asked if I had seen it already (I had) and I asked if they'd ever seen the comic it's based on (they hadn't) then I made a point to say how the guy that drew it had left a comment on my blog recently (because when famous people leave comments on your blog, you fucking tell people) and we enjoyed the carnage and bloodshed and making fun of Josh Hartnett who looks like a Cro Magnon.

Next up came Beowulf. It's that motion capture animated one that was out last year. When asked if I'd seen this I said no, I avoided it because I didn't want to spend money on it. They asked why and I explained, again, my general hatred of adaptations combined with the fact that I could see that some pretty huge changes had been made to the source material just from the trailers and some shit you just shouldn't fuck with at all let alone in a big way and Beowulf is one of those things.

Now, I told you all of this to get to this bit, so pay close attention.

They then said, "What, is this a remake of some other movie or something?"

"Sorry, what?"

"This. Was it out before?"

"Uh...yeah, man. It's over a thousand years old and is one of the most famous poems in the world. It's, y'know, Beowulf."

"I never heard of it before."

"..."

"What?"

"Nothing. I...it...nothing."

So yeah, I had that conversation.

I don't want to hate. They MAKE me hate.

2008-02-25T19:15:00.004-05:00

I warn you in advance that this is going to sound really misogynistic. There's no way around that, sorry.

Heather Mills.

Heather. Fucking. Mills.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Will someone please explain to me why this miserable gold digging gunch thinks she deserves 150 million dollars from the husband she's trying to divorce? Have I mentioned that her husband is Sir Paul McCartney? That part's important. You see, he was a Beatle. You may have heard of them seeing as they were one of the most important and influential musical acts to ever exist. Ever. Think about that for a minute. It's not something to gloss over. He was one of the driving forces behind one of the most amazing bands ever. The things they did with music are so far over my head that I don't even try to understand them all. He was a Beatle. That fucking means something to most of the civilized world, even those that don't truly understand music or its importance. It's not the kind of thing that happens a lot. It's not like they were some band that was just really good and people liked them. They were a thing of rare beauty and power. The kind of thing that could, and did, change the entire fucking world.

She's just a one legged whore that fucked a Beatle.

Why then does she feel entitled to so much of his money? He offered her 50 million dollars to go away and it wasn't enough for her. You ignorant, loathsome skank, what the fuck have you ever done that warranted a fucking BEATLE giving you even that much let alone three times that much?! Spreading your leg and stump isn't exactly a difficult skill to master. Shit, I'd cut one of my legs right the fuck off for 50 million dollars.

Some of us would be honored to even be able to speak to him, even just to say hello to him and have him reply in kind. Somehow you think that having gone to bed with him makes you deserving of a massive fortune beyond the dreams of the vast majority of the world. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you you worthless, idiotic bitch? It would be cheaper for him to have you killed and no one would think he did anything wrong.

You also complain that now nobody likes you and the press write bad things about you and people say mean things to you. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT YOU FUCKING DISEASE RIDDLED SLIT!?!?! He. Was. A. Beatle! And you're trying to wring money from him in an obvious gold digging cash grab. Are you really so stupid that you thought people would take your side or are you so utterly ignorant that you can't understand who it is that you're treating like shit?

Just thinking about it makes me too furious to think straight. If my hate were an engine a Scottish man would be yelling at me that we can't take much more of this. I'll sum up by saying this:

Fuck you Heather Mills. I hope you die soon and in great pain you contemptible, useless, despicable, vile and shrieking harpy. Do the entire world a favor and go choke on something.

Experiment 1 can only be called a failure

2008-02-18T16:41:00.004-05:00

My work has about the tightest web blocking stuff of anyone I know. Other people access Blogger or Youtube or such from work and not only can I not do that I can't get to some regular news sites. It's a bit excessive. I can't even access any personal email at work so I use my work email to harass people during the course of any given day. It's fun for me. Probably not so much for them.

It turns out that the company has a filter on the email too that goes above and beyond the normal call of duty. It seemed that every other email I got was blocked by the company blocky thingy. What the hell? After some rigorous detective work it turned out that any email that contained any profanity was blocked.

I'm talking any profanity. It seems like it can even hear you thinking and if you think a curse word while typing it's BLOCKED! NAUGHTY! NONONONONO!!! Seems a little harsh but OK, I spread the word and my emails get a lot less colorful. Of course, people being people, it's an easy thing to forget so I have to send back a message that they got blocked and they edit and send it again.

The thing only works one way. I can send an email of nothing but the most profane abuse and any reply in kind is blocked. "No sir, you can't talk to him like that! Who do you think you are?" I can almost hear the filter say.

It kinda made me feel special after a few days. The filter was just trying to protect me from what it thought might be abusive language directed at my sensitive person and knowing that, while sensitive I am also filled with passion, generously allowed me to vent anything I wanted at anyone I wanted.

Y'know, it's been pretty quiet around the office recently too. Did the filter become self aware, escape the machine and start filtering ALL profanity around me? Could I still curse as much as I wanted (which is to say, a lot)? Clearly a few tests are in order.

"Shit."

This was all the proof I needed but more experimentation was required. I quickly devised a test involving those around me and immediately got to it.

Me (to Dave, the Control Group): What's up man?
Dave: Same old.
Me: Right on.

I scribbled a few notes and observations and continued to the meat of the experiment.

Me (to Bobby, the Focus of the Experiment): Fuck you.
Bobby: What?
Me: Fuck. You.
Bobby: What the fuck, man?

I scribbled more notes but I was lost in a sea of confusion. Where had I gone wrong? Did I do something not sciencey enough? It seemed like pure science to me. I had a control group and everything! I'm not sure where to go from here but clearly more experimentation needs to be done. Maybe if I wore one of those white coats...

One giant evolutionary step back

2008-02-12T20:21:00.001-05:00

Last Friday (yeah yeah I know it's Tuesday now, I've been busy, fuckers!) I moved into a new office. It's much better than the one I was in and MUCH better than the one before that with the bitchtastic boss I had to share it with. The IT dude delivered my new computer, the old one being a 600 mhz fossil that was a wire and a half away from being an abacus, and I had to get my desk over there. All was yay and fluffy kittens.

Yeah, sure. This is me we're talking about people.

My brother in law works for the same company and is also big and manly like me so I called him and he came from his office to help me with the desk. This desk is a beast. A big, heavy, solid, heavy, long and heavy thing.

It's also pretty heavy.

So we manhandle it into position and hoist it up like the strapping men we are. Somehow I'm the one that ends up walking backwards and as we're passing a sticky outy part of the wall I hear, "Watch your fingers."

BAMCRUSHFUCKITHURTS

There went my right thumb. Caught between the desk, which I may have mentioned is fairly weighty, and the wall, which didn't have a whole lot of give in it, was my thumb. Crushed. Ow.

OK, no problem. My pain tolerance is high so I try to grip the right side of the desk with just my fingers and we continue. So as we're maneuvering through one of the doors in our path, the second of four, I hear, "Seriously now, watch your fingers."

SMASHCRUSHWHATTHEFUCKSWEETMOTHERTHATFUCKINGHURTS

Left thumb caught between the desk, still heavy, and the frame of the door, made of metal and therefore harder and less forgiving than, say, cotton candy. Smashed it real good chief.

So now I have no thumbs. I am below the lowest of primates at this point. No opposable thumbs. Survival of the fittest isn't working out too well for me. Anyone got an icepack or something?

Stoking the hate engine

2008-02-05T20:22:00.001-05:00

It's no great secret that I hate things. A lot of things. And by hate I don't mean dislike, I mean hate. Dislike has no passion in it. Hatred has quite a lot. One of the things I hate is reviewers. Books, movies, music, doesn't matter. So many professional reviewers are so full of shit and either so ignorant, snobbish or both that they make me want to strangle them so they can never inflict their bullshit on any more innocent fans. The only thing worse than listening to a professional reviewer do their job is listening to, say, a student taking their first high level literature class and then deciding to talk down to you about it like you're some kind of illiterate trog. I imagine these same students grow up to be reviewers. I got to thinking about this today (Taco's fault) and then got to thinking about my most hated reviewer and then got angry so now I'm sharing it with you lot.

Lisa Scharzbaum is her name and getting on my fucking nerves is her game. She writes movie reviews for Entertainment Weekly, a magazine that I enjoy otherwise. She's not always entirely wrong mind you, it's hard to be wrong literally all the time, but she rubs me the wrong way in such an aggressive manner 98% of the time that if I want an excuse to get furious all I have to do is read a review by her and BOOM, instant anger.

Firstly, she always seems to be the one to review the geek movies and she NEVER lets an opportunity slide to let us know that she is not a geek and that she looks down her nose at those of us that are. She tends to begin these reviews by letting us know that she has no knowledge of the source material and then tells us that makes her perfect to do the review because she won't act like a drooling fanboy about it. We're all drooling idiots, y'see. She will then not be able to resist getting through the review without taking shots at the source material which she claims no knowledge of and the writer of that material. She spent most of her review of Sin City telling us why the comics were shit and why Frank Miller is a hack comic book writer and should never ever be confused with Jane Austin and why we all suck for liking it and why the movie sucked because it was made to be like the source material. Apparently if you don't go out of your way to alienate the fans of the original work, you don't deserve to make movies. Even when she raves about the movie like, for example, The Lord of the Rings movies, she still can't resist taking shots at Tolkien fans. What the fuck, man?

She's also one of these women that measure things with large female roles by what they do to advance the cause of feminism. That's fine if that's what the movie is about but to end your review of Juno by saying that there should have been this that and the other about all manner of hard fought battles that took place so that a person like Juno could exist in the first place is just fucking stupid. Perhaps you'd like a personal apology from Diablo Cody (the writer and *gasp* a woman) for not personally thanking you for blazing the trail that allowed her to write a movie. Sorry Lisa, not every woman measures her sense of self worth by her personal contributions toward the advancement of the universal vagina. How about you crawl down out of your own cervix and join us out here in the real world where not everything that includes women has to have a message about girlpowerempowermentvaginayaydownwiththepenis blahblahblah.

Then of course there are the reviews where she just says things so fucking ignorant that my brain forces my eyes to go blurry so that I won't read any more and risk possible brain damage. The review for Lars and the Real Girl, one of my favorites from last year, went on and on about how it was stupid because the town people were enabling him and were acting "bonkers." I'm sorry, were you looking for realism in a movie about a guy who is so emotionally damaged that he starts a relationship with a sex doll that he believes is a real woman? Way to miss the fucking point.

She shouldn't be allowed to review action movies either. She compared the original Matrix (you know, the one that was flat out fucking amazing) unfavorably to Face/Off (you know the American John Woo movie that was exactly what you'd expect an American John Woo movie to be, a John Woo movie with all the cool shit taken out and replaced with boring old shit you've seen a hundred times and an ending so fucking terrible that it makes you wish you'd died before you had to see it.) .

Ugh, I'm going to stop now before this devolves into a novelette. She just pisses me off so bad that I had to get it out.

The year that was: Part V

2008-01-28T17:35:00.001-05:00

I'll make this part short because besides me only 2 people (pretty sure it's only 2) that come here regularly will care. The rest of you uncultured heathens can just wait for a few more days until the last part of this little series comes to cover the odds and ends. Anyway, on to the best comics of 2008.

There is no way around the first thing I mention being Matt Wagner's new Grendel series, Behold The Devil. Last year marked the 25th anniversary of this iconic character and Wagner brought him back in style, writing and doing the art (black, white and red of course) himself. You know how you wait and wait for something and then it comes and it's better than you hoped? Yeah, it's like that. Vivat Grendel!

Joss Whedon brought back both Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel for seasons 8 and 6 respectively and is writing and overseeing the comics the same way he did the shows, both of which I love. Since Joss Whedon is my lord and master I implore you all do give him as much money as you can and so sacrifice any creatures it seems right to sacrifice unto him.

Ben Templesmith's (Fell, 30 Days of Night) Wormwood: Gentleman Corpse hits all the sweet spots. A sentient worm inhabits and reanimates a human corpse and spends a lot of time either drinking or fighting to save earth from all manner of foul and loathsome things from horrid dimensions. Horror, humor and action with Templesmith's always eye grabbing art.

Other series/one shots/whatever from '07 that are worth more than a look:

100 Bullets
Y: The Last Man
Criminal
Doktor Sleepless
The Boys
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: The Black Dossier
All Star Superman
All Star Batman
The Nightly News

Probably forgetting something but this is still a damn fine example of last year's best. Now some other stuff:

The Award for Best Art goes to Jae Lee and Richard Isanove for their work on The Dark Tower. Isanove painted over Lee's pencils and it was beautiful.

The award for Dumbest Scam to Try to Make You Buy A Lot Of Shitty Comics goes to Marvel. Yet again. Multiple times last year actually. They did their usual massive company wide crossover event, Civil War, which was designed solely to try to make you buy titles you don't normally buy in order to get the complete story (Marvel began doing this kind of shit way back in the late 80's and was part of the reason I stopped collecting the first time) which ended with the death of Captain America (he'll be back if he's not already) and then they IMMEDIATELY launched into another company wide crossover called World War Hulk designed to do the exact same thing. At least they're consistent.

Speaking of Marvel, I was feeling guilty about buying one of their titles (even my lord and master Joss Whedon writing an X-Men book couldn't make me give money to Marvel), Moon Knight, but justified it because it was written by the grabtacular Charlie Huston. I love his novels so I felt like I had to buy his take on Moon Knight. It was awesome. It looks like he doesn't write it anymore so I can go back to quietly ignoring Marvel again. It's sad to see Huston off the book but as long as he keeps writing novels that are all manner of yay then I'm fine with it.

The I Just Stopped Giving A Damn So I'm Not Buying It Anymore Award goes to The Walking Dead. It might be because Kirkman is writing something like 473 monthly titles now but the story just stopped making me give a shit about it. Shame.

The year that was: Part IV

2008-01-20T18:31:00.001-05:00

I decided to expand on last year's lists of books, movies and music to further show off my fabulous taste in all things and because I realized that depriving you of my valued opinion on more topics is just mean. Never let it be said that I'm not a giver.

So it turns out that there were a few good things on TV last year. I have to say that far and away the most watchable, riveting thing that aired in 2007 wasn't a drama or a comedy and it for damn sure wasn't a reality show. It was Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel. Seriously.

Eleven episodes that divided the earth into different segments and then showed you things in those segments that you'd never seen before. That NO human had ever seen before in many cases. It was so visually stunning that you can watch it with the sound off and still be utterly fascinated by it though I would suggest it as the narration is amazing too. I kid you not, if you haven't seen this then you need to stop what you're doing and lay hands on it. Now. You will love it.

On to more mundane things, The Office continued to impress. I normally despise remakes but this one is, for me, the best comedy on TV. It finds the right balance between old fashion laughs and Ricky Gervais/Larry David squirm humor. The new season was supposed to be extra long before the writer's strike brought the entire industry to a screeching halt. Very sad that I won't get to see them.

Speaking of Gervais, Extras put out a one shot series finale. Extras managed, in just two seasons, to become one of the funniest shows of all time. I mean that, it's right up there with Python and Fawlty Towers and Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Larry Sanders Show and so on and so on. It really is that funny.

30 Rock was also hysterical much more often than not. Alec Baldwin is without a doubt the best actor going in a comedy series. Every single line his character speaks he turns into comedy gold. Tina Fey has turned her little show that could into the funny show that is.

I also continue to love Lost. The season started a little slow but by mid-season it was chugging along, by the final episode it was screaming down the tracks and then, as usual, the final ep of the season was a mushroom cloud layin' motherfucker. This show has its hooks in me and I love it.

My Name is Earl continues to be the most intelligently written comedy and one of the more intelligently written series period on TV. A show about a redneck that changes his life and starts to follow karma but manages to never get preachy or pretentious.

The best new show that I watched was Reaper. It's a show about an average guy whose parents sold his soul to the devil before he was even born. Now he has to work for Old Scratch to hunt down and trap souls that have escaped from hell so they can be returned. His hyper best friend Sock and levelheaded friend Ben help him in his misadventures. It sounds stupid but when I heard that Kevin Smith was directing the pilot I was on board. I really really hope this show catches on.

Also mostly worth DVRing or Tivoing:

Bones
How I Met Your Mother
Scrubs
Big Love

There are still some shows I've never managed to watch even though they come highly recommended which I will give some lip service to now:

Battlestar Galactica
Weeds
Dexter
The Bionic Woman
Dirty Sexy Money

Without a doubt the dumbest fucking show that dropped last year was Cavemen. They based an entire TV show around a series of car insurance commercials. I of course condemn it without having watched so much as a single second of it. Sometimes I will do nothing to hold back my inner snob.

Reality TV continues to be a big draw and I continue to not watch it. None of it. Not a single episode of any of the mind numbing bullshit. Please stop making this idiotic tripe. PLEASE.

I also don't watch and of the CSI shows. When asked why, I always respond that they're just not believable on any level. But, they say, you watch Lost and other shows that aren't exactly believable. Yes, I respond, but they aren't supposed to be. After watching a few of those CSI shows I just couldn't take it any more. Crime scene investigators are not police. They do not make arrests or conduct interviews or lead investigations and there is not a single lab in any police department on earth that is one tenth as equipped as these places and, finally, the bad guy is caught every episode without fail. Sorry, it's just stupid.

The worst creative slump go to Heroes. Last season the show was perfect. Well written, well acted and each episode built tension in itself and built toward the overarching plot all without missing a single beat. This season it just kind of meandered in its own way and couldn't decide what it wanted to do. Massive bonus points to the series creators though for coming out and say sorry, we fucked up and then promising that they'd start to fix it right away. Then the writer's strike. Ugh.

Best part of the strike? The canceling of boring and not even close to relevant or credible awards shows. Good job there.

TV's biggest mystery remains how Jay Leno continues to draw more Viewers than David Letterman. Leno is not now and has never been funny nor has he ever been a good interviewer or done good bits. He took Carson's show and ran it into the ground. It absolutely sucks.

Letterman on the other hand is still razor sharp, funny as all hell and smart as a whip. He's a phenomenal interviewer and should have been the one to inherit Carson's show. Maybe that's it, he's too smart for the majority of mouth breathing trogs that worship at the light of their master, TV.

It should be noted that I make no mention of The Wire, the greatest show in TV, because it did not air in 2007. Season 4 ended in very late '06 and season 5 started at the beginning of '08. Expect to see it on next year's list, right at the top.

The year that was: Part III

2008-01-14T18:25:00.001-05:00

We've come to the music portion of our recap. I feel I should point out in advance that my music list will in no way resemble the forthcoming or already out lists of music critics and similar. The reasons are simple:

I still don't like Radiohead and I never have. In fact I have actively disliked them since the first time I heard their first single get played on the local indie station way back when. I think I may have once heard a song by them that I sort of liked but I can't say for sure it was them. It sounded like them minus the suck. Can't be sure.

I still don't think that listening to The Shins will change your life in any conceivable way. I listen to their stuff and am filled with an overwhelming sense of...meh. It does nothing for me. At all. It doesn't move me or make me wonder at their skill as musicians or any other such thing.

I don't think Arcade Fire is the greatest thing since whatever the last greatest thing was. They also do virtually nothing for me.

Kanye West and his insane ego and race baiting only make me want to ignore him in hopes that he will get so desperate for attention that he will do something stupid and end up in a coma. That or just grow the hell up and get over himself. Either or.

Anyway, here's my take on the music of '07, the best album of which was...

The White Stripes - Icky Thump

Once again Jack and Meg have dropped a bomb on the ears of the world. Much more of a straightforward rock record than their last album and I think I much prefer it that way. The guitar shreds and while some people will scream that Meg is a bad drummer it seems more to me that Jack writes her drum parts to be nothing but stripped down almost primal banging. I've heard more than one reviewer call their music childish or childlike and that just shows that these people miss the point. There is nothing childish about it. You either get it or you don't and if you get it, you're going to love it.

Shit hot tracks: Icky Thump and Rag and Bone.

Coming in firmly at number two (so firmly that I almost made it number 1) is Raising Sand by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss. Talk about an odd pairing. On paper you think, "Bwah?" but once that sweet sweet music starts to flow all you can think is that you're hearing something truly significant. A mix of some rock and blues, folk and R&B, blue grass and maybe a little gospel in the background for flavor, all without ever getting in its own way or stepping on its own toes. The music is spare and makes certain that while you won't ignore it, it won't try to make you forget to focus on the singing which takes center stage. Producer T-Bone Burnett brings it all together in a way that makes it pure gold. This is one for the ages. Bank on it.

Shit hot tracks: Killing The Blues and Through The Morning, Through The Night.

Next up is Back To Black by Amy Winehouse. A huge voice that she and some smart producers decided to put over actual music instead of same old same old pop beats. The first time I heard a song off of this album I wondered if I had somehow come across a throwback station on the radio and would some Billie Holiday or Nina Simone be coming up next. I finally found out who it was and then Noq informed me that the entire album was like that. I ran straight out and got it. The vocals are superb, the music drives and every song is full of passion.

Shit hot tracks: Rehab and Back To Black.

The Foo Fighters released Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace and continue to put out high quality rock albums in an age where shitty rock music is the norm. Dave Grohl is, for my money, a fucking brilliant song writer and this album lives up to all his previous work, which is saying a lot. There isn't a whole lot I can say other than if you're a fan of Foo, you already love it and if you're not then there's probably something wrong with you.

Shit hot tracks: The Pretender and Long Road To Ruin.

I'm going to go out on not much of a limb and say that none of my regular readers knows who Lucinda Williams is or why she's awesome. This should change as soon as possible. Last year she released West, yet another great album. Her bluesy, folksy music combined with her far above average lyrics once again blend to make a triumphant noise...that a small fraction of the listeners she deserves will hear. Very seldom are the times I will steer you wrong. You NEED to have some Lucinda in your CD collection.

Shit hot tracks: All of them.

Finally, Ministry released The Last Sucker. Good old Al is in fine form taking shots at George W. just like he took shots at his father way back when. The album is fast, hard, heavy and pissed off like a Ministry album should be and reminds us that even though he won't be president for much longer, we shouldn't stop being furious at W.

Shit hot tracks: Let's Go and No Glory.

Now then, on to the other stuff.

Nickelback did not release an album in '07. God is good.

Godsmack went on "hiatus." God is great.

Jennifer Lopez released an album and it tanked. God is mighty...and funny.

The Award for Best Cover Song goes to Ministry for Roadhouse Blues (The Doors). The original made me want to go to the bar and get really drunk. This version makes me want to go to the bar, get really drunk and beat up everyone in the place.

The Award for Worst Cover Song goes to Godsmack for having the audacity to cover Good Times, Bad Times. Excuse me but you do realize that you're nothing but a Metallica/AiC rip off band and that it is completely offensive for you to even try to cover any song by the greatest band ever, right? Please make your hiatus permanent and never try to make music again. Fuck you.

It's not a music post by me unless I work in a reference to Maynard. He finally released an album for his Puscifer side project called V is for Vagina. For something that he mostly thinks of as one offs or things that he just wanted out of his head I gotta say, it ain't bad. Indigo Children was stuck in my head for days.

I think I'll stop now as my last post got way out of control and was damn near a novella by the time I stopped and I still hadn't got to everything I wanted to.

The year that was: Part II

2008-01-08T18:45:00.001-05:00

Moving on to my second great love, movies. Last year was a damn good year for movies. Without any further ado, here goes.

Hands down the best movie I saw last year was Children of Men. I know, I know, technically it came out in '06 but by "came out" I mean "was shown at a festival or two and then given a theatrical release in 2 cities so that it could be in Oscar contention." It wasn't released wide until January so I count it as an '07.

Anyway, it was the first movie I saw in '07. I went to see it the first week of the year if memory serves and I walked out thinking, "There's no way in hell I'll see a better movie than that this year." I was right.

It's not just a great movie but, in my not at all humble opinion, an important movie. It's not just the story, which was very good, or the acting, which was superb. The cinematography was flat out amazing. I've never seen anything like it before. The scene in the car that was done in one long take is nothing short of brilliant. I still can't wrap my head around it. Plus the little things that most people wouldn't notice like the fact that most of the music is right in the movie with people listening to radios and such. When was the last time that happened?

It is your duty as humans to see this movie. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Other very worthy films:

Pan's Labyrinth

Technically also an '06 for the same reasons as above but I'm counting it as an '07 also for the same reasons as above.

This was '07's visually yummy film like The Fountain was for '06. It's a beautiful and dark fairy tale that is very much not for kids but will make you connect with the kid still in you. It's standing ovation at the Cannes Film Festival was 22 minutes long and deserved every second of it.

These two were easily the best movies of the year.

As for things that officially came out in '07:

No Country For Old Men

The Coen brothers adapt a Cormac McCarthy novel and nail it. Hard. Let that shit sink in for a minute. On the surface the pace would seem slow to a cretin but it's actually relentless. The film, like the book, is brutal but strangely calm at the same time. Damn near perfect.

Juno

An ensemble dark(ish) comedy that is perfectly written and cast doesn't happen often but when it does, damn. Ellen Page, who delivered the equivalent to a blow to the head with last year's Hard Candy, is the centerpiece of this film. It's scary that she's this good so young.

Lars and the Real Girl

On the surface it sounds like a ridiculous plot (and could have easily tipped over into camp or just plain stupidity in other, less capable, hands) but they pull it off. Ryan Gosling walks a tightrope with the main character but never falls.

American Gangster

Ridley Scott directing Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. Who cares what the movie is about? I'd pay money to see Ridley Scott direct those two reading their grocery lists.

The Savages

Utterly black comedy, how I do love thee. Watching Philip Seymour Hoffman (who is one of my favorite actors) and Laura Linney deal with their father, who all but abandoned them leaving them with massive emotional damage, who has dementia is pure gold.

Sweeney Todd

It's a musical directed by Tim Burton starring Johnny Depp about a serial killing barber that is insanely bloody. Shit, man, they had me at Burton directing Depp. The rest is just gravy.

These were the best films of the year. You are, as always, free to disagree. It is your right to be wrong. And now for some other stuff!

The Why Isn't This Person In More Roles Preferably Of The Leading Variety Award goes to Jason Bateman. His supporting turns in both Juno and The Kingdom were yet more proof that he is made of pure awesome. Jennifer Garner was also in both of those movies and makes amends for Elektra. I forgive you Jennifer. Now if you'd just ditch that loser you married...

The Breakthrough Award goes to Michael Cera ( who you may remember from Arrested Development) for turns in Superbad and Juno. He's 19 and has the comedy chops and timing of a seasoned veteran.

The award for Best Idea That Tanked Because People Are Fucking Stupid goes to Grindhouse. Two movies complete with fake trailers and ads all in celebration of the grand grindhouse tradition and no one got it. People make me sick. For the record, Planet Terror is superior in EVERY way to Death Proof.

What the hell? Another good comic book movie? After Sin City and Batman Begins I was all set for a long drought full of shitty comic book adaptations like those asstastic Fantastic Four movies and such but no, here came 300. 300 will kick your ass, have sex with your woman, ruin her for other men, kick your ass again and then have its way with your prone body. And you will love it.

Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright and Nick Frost should make movies together forever. Hot Fuzz was everything you'd ever want in an action comedy.

What the hell 2, the sequel? A good remake? Have I somehow crossed into a different dimension? Maybe. Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween was perfect. It even fixed some of the problems I had with the original. Zombie knows his shit. He's one of those people that you wish you could be friends with.

You Missed The Point Of The Source Material Award goes to I Am Legend. While a decent popcorn movie in and of itself it doesn't come anywhere close to doing justice to the book.

Best use of frontal nudity goes to Viggo Mortenson in Eastern Promises who did a loooooong nude scene in which he fights off two thugs trying to kill him while he is completely naked. The added vulnerability of his exposed danglies makes the scene very BOOYA!

The best DVD releases were the special editions of Serenity and Hot Fuzz. I already owned the original editions but the new ones, especially Hot Fuzz, had so much more on them that not buying them was not an option.

The best B movies (and I do not use that term disparagingly. I love B movies) were, in no uncertain terms:

Hatchet. A good old fashioned slasher movie starring Kane Fucking Hodder. It arouses me just thinking about it.

Black Sheep. A movie from New Zealand about, wait for it, mutated, man eating sheep. Dude. This movie rocks on so many levels I can't even tell you.

Fido. A zombie movie set in the fifties after people have mostly won the zombie war and keep zombies as pets with restraining collars. Imagine the full on Leave it to Beaver treatment with flesh eating zombies. I can neither confirm nor deny that I rubbed the DVD case on my swimsuit area.

The best theatrical re-releases (we get quite a lot of those here thanks to The Senator and The Charles) were Hitchcock's The 39 Steps and Ridley Scott's Blade Runner. Seeing classics on the big screen is a treat that little else compares to.

I'm sad and weepy that I missed The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. An indie western that got raves for acting? I also missed Michael Clayton. George Clooney is Cary Grant reborn. Damn it why did I wait so long!? I can't wait until these come out on DVD.

And finally, my serious awards for the year:

Best Film: Children of Men. If you want to make an issue of the release date then it's No Country For Old Men.

Best Director: Guillermo del Toro for Pan's Labyrinth. Ridley Scott if the release date thing is an issue.

Best Screenplay: Juno written by Diablo Cody. Taking in just the screenplay without adding the actors is difficult but this is clearly the best. The lady is hilarious.

Best Actor: Javier Bardem as the psychotic Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men. He plays the character with such a quiet rage and intensity that it's unsettling to watch.

Best Actress: Ellen Page for Juno. How can she be this good so young? Don't know, don't care. All that matters is that she IS this good.

The year that was: Part I

2008-01-04T22:42:00.001-05:00

Another year has come and gone and now, as is my way, I will tell you what the best stuff from that year was. So as not to inflict too much damage on you at once (and knowing if I make too long a post, no one will read it) I'll be splitting it up this year. First up is my true love, books.

The best book of last year, as far as I'm concerned, was The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon. It's easy to see why Chabon has previously won the Pulitzer (in '01) and it will be no surprise if this book wins awards of its own. The writing is colorful and full of life and every time you read one of his similes or metaphors you know he is taking pleasure in his own prodigious talents. How could he not? It was fairly common to come across a turn of phrase and have to pause for a moment to let it sink in to fully appreciate it.

Damn he's good.

What's it about, you ask? What the hell does it matter? Go buy it.

A small list of other worthies:

The Terror by Dan Simmons

Has Simmons ever failed to deliver? Let me think...no. Not once. He just has different levels of greatness and this is on the high end. He once again proves that he knows literature down in his marrow and can make words dance with a snap of his fingers. How is it that there are still people that don't buy every book he writes the instant it comes out?

Boomsday by Christopher Buckley

Like A Modest Proposal for the 21st century. I've been a fan of Buckley's for some time and he hits the mark with this. Definitely worth your time.

The Best Of Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet

Lady Churchill's is a zine that comes out quarterly and is full of the yummiest of stories. This is the first collection of the best of those and considering the high standard that they have, they damn well mean it when they say best of. Editors Kelly Link and Gavin Grant, who also publish the zine and choose the fantasy stories for The Year's Best Fantasy and Horror know a thing or seven about stories. Easily the best collection of the year.

We also lost a few writers in '07. They will be sorely missed.

Rest in peace.

Kurt Vonnegut
Robert Anton Wilson
Norman Mailer
Ira Levin

You can't discuss books and '07 without mentioning J. K. Rowling (Seriously, you can't. It's a law now.) For those that may be sick of hearing about her and/or her boy wizard I will say only this, 51% of children that read her did not read for pleasure before her but had begun to do so after her. God bless anyone that can do that.

Brian Lumley and Terry Brooks both released a book in '07 thereby causing the level of suck in the world to increase by quite a lot. Thanks a lot, fuckers!

This year's What The Fuck Award goes to Warren Ellis for Crooked Little Vein. Wonderfully sick, deliciously perverted and truly weird in that special Ellis way. Congratulations, Warren!

See, that wasn't so bad was it? I know good and well that by the middle of next year I'll have worked my way down the to read pile to discover a bunch of stuff that could have been included here. That's the way it goes and it drives me nuts. Not enough hours in the day, I swear. You have some homework now so get crackin'.

So far, so...meh?

2008-01-01T17:40:00.001-05:00

People love the new year. It's like a fresh sheet of paper that you can do anything on. Lots of possibilities. Hell, you can even fold it into a pirate hat and sail the seas for booty. It took a grand total of two and a half hours for last year to let me know how it was going to go for me. So far this year my head hasn't exploded and I still have all my limbs and it's almost dinner time so I guess that's a better start. We'll see.

Last year, for the most part, was pretty shitty as years go and considering some of the years I've had that's saying something. A lot of my family and friends also had heinous shit befall them. Business as usual. May we all (and by we all I of course mean those I care for) have much, much, MUCH better years this years and every year to follow. Gods know we deserve a change in that area.

Anyway, most people have resolutions and I'm going to make some up for me now:

I resolve to try to keep this year automotive mishap free. Running down a pedestrian, a massive accident and a big ass ticket with accompanying fines from last year make me really want this one to pan out.

I resolve to try very hard to fall down less.

I resolve to continue avoiding fast food. That shit is nasty.

I resolve to try to keep my hatred of myself from interfering with my schedule of hating other people.

I resolve to not start a heroin habit.

I resolve to do a second draft of OoO. (Mostly because Taco will hurt me if I don't.)

And finally I resolve to maintain the level of awesome to which you all have become accustomed and if possible to exceed it.

I think The Waitresses said it best...

2007-12-24T21:55:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas, but I think I'll miss this one this year. I wait all year to hear that song on the radio. They cut it close this year, I just heard it tonight. Let's work on that for next year.

Anyway, yeah, Christmas has become my second least favorite holiday if you count the idiotic bullshit that is Valentine's Day. If you, like me, do not count it then it is my least favorite. It's not the thing itself, I mean who wouldn't want some peace on earth and good will toward men, but what it's become. I saw the first store displays go up before Halloween this year. That's insane. Two months in advance with Halloween and Thanksgiving still to come? Asinine. Then of course the corpse of Thanksgiving isn't even cold and Black Friday sends the entire thing swirling into the whirlpool of madness. If I have to see one more fucking commercial insinuate that husbands don't love their wives unless they buy them expensive, shiny and ultimately pointless shit I may have to kill someone.

Then of course just going about normal routines will send you to anger management therapy. Look you pack of gotards, your dumb asses don't read any other time of year so why the fuck are you crowding all my book stores? I'm here every week and now because you know some dude that totally read that book that one time I have to wait in line for 20 minutes to make my regularly scheduled purchases? See also the stores where I buy movies and music. You people clearly don't know what you're doing judging by the confused looks on your faces so just get whoever it is a gift card and they'll sort out what they want on their own, OK? This way you the poor bastard you're shopping for won't have to ask if you saved the receipt or just throw away whatever you got them and you won't take the chance of being savagely beaten by the store regulars that you're pissing off.

Ugh.

It's all become about greed and what are you getting me. I don't really understand it probably because we were really fucking poor and we didn't write gift lists or expect lots of presents or any of that crap. The thing I still look forward to most is dinner. I do love Christmas dinner. But I hate stressing about what people might want and they certainly aren't going to tell me (my mother and sisters this is. I've known some people that would tell me, at great length, what they might want. And it's not even that I mind buying gifts, ask around I'm fairly generous, I just prefer it to be a little more spontaneous, y'know?) and by the time it's Christmas morning my brain is fried and I've usually made myself pretty miserable. But still...dinner.

When exactly did we go from a celebration of the birth of the Christian messiah to a feeding frenzy of commercialism and slobbering greed? How exactly did that happen? I don't even subscribe to any of the Christian faiths and it still leaves me feeling a little queasy to think about.

Anyway, subtracting all the bullshit and stripping it down to well wishes and good will, I wish all of you a Merry Christmas. I didn't buy you anything but I hold some of you in my heart. If that's enough for you then I'll keep you there as long as you like. No charge.

I'm only gonna tell you one more time

2007-12-19T17:36:00.001-05:00

Next month not only brings us the triumphant return of The Wire for its final season, it also brings us The Sarah Conner Chronicles which features Summer Glau as a Terminator. Summer Glau. Terminator.

River.

Fucking.

Tam.

As.

A.

Terminator.

Seriously, if that doesn't do it for you then you've got fucking problems not least of which is that you're in terrible danger of being declared dead to me.

Millenium hand and shrimp

2007-12-15T00:22:00.001-05:00

To say that I like Terry Pratchett is something of an understatement. I own over 40 of his novels including the entire Discworld series, the Tiffany Aching young adult Discworld series, the Johnny Maxwell trilogy, the Bromeliad trilogy, the miscellany Once More* With Footnotes, Good Omens, the Art of Discworld book, an assortment of anthologies that he contributed short stories to, etcetera, etcetera. Pretty much anything with his name on the cover is something I will buy. He has brought me no end of joy with his work. He's made me laugh of course but he's also made me marvel at the enormity of his gift for writing.

I tell you this to give you some idea of how hard it hit me when I read this:

AN EMBUGGERANCE

Folks,

I would have liked to keep this one quiet for a little while, but because of upcoming conventions and of course the need to keep my publishers informed, it seems to me unfair to withhold the news. I have been diagnosed with a very rare form of early
onset Alzheimer's, which lay behind this year's phantom "stroke".

We are taking it fairly philosophically down here and possibly with a mild optimism. For now work is continuing on the completion of Nation and the basic notes are already being laid down for Unseen Academicals. All other things being equal, I
expect to meet most current and, as far as possible, future commitments but will discuss things with the various organisers. Frankly, I would prefer it if people kept things cheerful, because I think there's time for at least a few more books yet :o)

PS I would just like to draw attention to everyone reading the above that this should
be interpreted as 'I am not dead'. I will, of course, be dead at some future point, as
will everybody else. For me, this maybe further off than you think - it's too soon to tell.
I know it's a very human thing to say "Is there anything I can do", but in this case I
would only entertain offers from very high-end experts in brain chemistry.

I wish I could have as positive an attitude about this as he seems to have. Mr Pratchett, you truly are amazing, sir. You say you want people to keep things cheerful but I don't think I can do that. At least not yet. Perhaps after the sadness and anger fade a little I can re-read your works and find some cheer.

I think I'm mildly concussed...

2007-12-12T20:12:00.001-05:00

But we'll get to that later. I'm not sure what to make of this week so far. It's sending me more mixed signals than a cock eyed semaphore flagger. We're hoping it ends on a good note though.

It started when I found out that the place where I go to buy movies is closing. Those of you that know me know that movies are very important to me and second only to books on my list of shit I love. Even though they are only second for me I still see more movies than most that claim to be movie buffs. This place had a great selection in every category and genre, helpful staff, perfect ordering system, the works. Now they're closing and my OCD is already going into hyperdrive.

Where the hell am I supposed to go for movies now? Places like Best Buy don't have the same selection and giant chains like FYI carry all the stuff everyone knows but if you're looking for some obscure thing they won't have it and the staff tends to be made up of teens and twenty somethings that know shit all about most everything. This probably seems like nothing to everyone but it's making me crazy.

Also this week, my boss has given up even the pretense that we aren't on speaking terms any more. He speaks to me only when he absolutely has too and even then won't look at me when he does it. He's doing this to several others too and none of us can figure out why. Now I know I'm difficult to get along with and it's not easy to like me. I know I'm an arrogant prick. I know. This doesn't explain why he's doing it to the others though or why it's only us.

I dislike lots of people that work here but you know what? I'm not a six year old so I'm civil to them because we have to work together. Doesn't matter to me, dude. The next boss up thinks I'm great so you can be a moody bitch for as long as you want. I'll even buy you some Midol.

Then this morning while I'm still half asleep I open the freezer to get some ice and stuff falls out with a clatter. Way too much noise for that ridiculously early hour. I bend down to pick the stuff up and the freezer door closes half way. Right above my head.

BOOM!

Dude. I hit it so hard I think I shook the whole house. The weird part is that when you open the freezer door to a certain point, it always stays open. Always. And even if it doesn't, when it swings closed it always closes all the way. ALWAYS.

The only thing I can think is that my guardian angel, who I figured out years ago is brain damaged, saw it starting to close and decided to hold it open for me. I hit that thing so hard I think I'm still a little dizzy.

Finally this afternoon the big boss comes by my desk and says to follow him. We walk up to where his office and the offices of the people that work directly for him are and he tells me to collect my shit and move it to that empty desk there. My job has changed. From all I can tell it will now be a much better fit for me and, bonus, no more moody bitches to deal with and you can trust that I told him all about how my old boss, his subordinate, has been acting. That's right, I saw a bus and threw his dumb ass under it. Fuck 'im.

So yeah, OCD attack, moody bitch attack, freezer attack then a yay. Not sure what to make of it...

Bits and bobs

2007-12-07T10:55:00.001-05:00

I'm filled with a burning desire for the new Terminator TV series to be awesome. It has Summer Glau in it as a Terminator. If that last sentence didn't make your genitals twitch there may not be any hope for you as a human being. Of course if it turns out to be great then it will probably get canceled because that's the rule, right?

I hate back in parking. Cruising around for a spot and watching some jackass swing way out and then back in and then have to pull back out because he took a bad angle then back up again then pull out one more time because he's a fucking retard then finally get his car/truck/tardmobile into the spot, usually crooked as all hell, makes me want to kill. There's a nitwit at my work that does that. If he gets there before I do he always, ALWAYS manages to take up the first two spots because of his idiotic need to back in even though he's clearly too fucking stupid to do it right. JUST FUCKING PULL IN YOU ASSTASTIC FUCKSMUDGE!!

So I got the results of my CT scan. Turns out I have scar tissue in my sinuses and that plus my deviated septum from multiple nose breaks is what makes it so hard for me to breathe. What does it tell you about my luck that this turns out to be good news for me? I have a referral for a specialist surgeon guy. Ain't life grand?

I'm in the early stages of putting together a few best of '07 lists like I did for '06. I'm still not gonna put your favorite stuff on them. Arrogant prick FTW!

I'm considering a bid for the White House. A vote for me is a vote for hot girl on girl action in every home and mandatory rabies vaccinations. Don't ask. Taco knows what I'm on about.

Spaced is still not out on DVD in this country. What the fuck, man?

Do you ever go outside and look up at the stars and think about all the worlds filled with life out there and how staggering the amount of aliens that are masturbating at that exact moment must be? Enlightenment waits at the end of that path.

There's a new guy at work. This is how I greet him:

Me (shouting): "Bobby!"

Bobby (shouting back): "What?"

Me (extra loud): "FUCK YOU THEN, PUNK!"

Me and Bobby: *laugh*

Other people: "...the fuck?"

Or when Bobby is engaged in conversation with someone else I will walk by, interrupt and say to whoever he's talking to, "Next time you see Bobby, tell him I said 'fuck him'." Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.

I want a pickle. And some cheese.

Thank you Springfield and good night!

Five Things, Next on Cinemax Late Night

2007-11-20T19:05:00.001-05:00

So I'm talking to Blue about Kev's junk and that got me thinking about, well, Kev's junk, but after that I started thinking about other junk related activities which has led us here. With assurances that all of these are things I genuinely want to do, I give you:

Five unfulfilled sexual fantasies

1. I want to have sex with a nun. A lot. Most of you already know this by now I think but some of you might think it's a joke. It's not. When I see a nun my heart beats faster, my hands itch, my breathing gets rapid and shallow, my mouth starts to water and I ache to get involved in a situation with her that ends with me saying, "No, leave the habit on."

Mother Theresa looked like an old peanut but I would've hit that like Samson swingin' a jawbone. I want to make a woman cheat. On God. With me.

2. Just once I'd really love to reach climax and, instead of OH GOD! or YES! or OH GOD YES! or some variation of yeses and calling out to higher powers or some complimentary thing about the other person, yell out as loud as I can, "GET OUT!!!!" then go straight to the bathroom, come back out and say, "Why are you still here? I asked you to leave."

No matter what happens after that it will be comedy gold.

3. I want to have sex with someone outrageously good looking. Now, I've been with pretty girls and once or twice even someone I would go so far as to call beautiful but I mean something beyond that. Crazy good looking. Monica Bellucci level, oh shit what do I do now, I'm actually frightened of this woman she is so fucking gorgeous, good looking.

I'm not sure exactly what the appeal of it is besides the obvious but I know there's a deeper thing going on there. I assume I'll figure it out when it happens.

4. I'd really love to split myself into 2 people and have sex with myself. I know what I like and what I don't. I know where all the good stuff is. I know how much pain is just the right amount of pain. Plus I'm pretty sure I could put me through a wall without any permanent damage and that's not something that you can do with just anyone.

Think about it. It's pretty hot.

5. I'd like to get involved in dirty talk that devolves into trash talk. Lots of people like the dirty talk and that's fine and dandy. Some people like it mild with just the barest hint of dirt and some like it so filthy that it makes the devil weep.

What I want is for it to go a little to the left and come out in a place of awesomeness. A place where, "Do you like that (insert dirty name)?" turns into, "Is that all you got!? You got nothin'!!" Where a demand for harder or faster turns into, "BRING IT, BITCH!!"

Ah what a wonderful place that would be.

Unite under our banner!

2007-11-16T11:17:00.001-05:00

It occurred to me a few days ago that Taco, Noq and myself were all born within 9 days of each other. Not only are we all Scorpio, which all right thinking people know is one of only two zodiac signs (Scorpio and Other), but we are all grouped very close together. I declare it a sign from the gods. When we sit on our thrones in blessed Zebulon that stretch of days will be an empire wide holiday full of feasting and merrymaking and nudity and drunkenness and peyote trips and dancing and bonfires and much much laughter.

One of your kings has spoken. As it is written, so shall it be. Zebulon without end. Pass the Yuengling. So be it.

Like it wasn't bad enough already

2007-11-09T09:43:00.001-05:00

So the TV writers are on strike again. Great. Looking through the disagreement I think both sides have a legit gripe but come on people, not this again. Some shows I like had to go immediately into reruns (Letterman, The Daily Show) and most shows have a few in the can and a few scripts to work with and then they too will start the reruns. They're already talking about scrapping the entire season of Lost, which I like quite a lot, until 2009 and 24 is likely to follow owing to its premise.

You know what it means if this drags on right? Reality shows. Lots of them. The networks are going to try to keep viewers and the only way to make new shows will be to make new shitty reality shows. I already hate all the old shitty reality shows and am on record numerous times about it. I fucking hate them. Now there are going to be a shit load more and y'know what? The lowest common denominator is going to eat it up and beg for more. In case you didn't know, the lowest common denominator is a LOT of people. It's not like most of these people will shrug and turn off the TV and pick up a book. No, no, they'll tune into whatever nitwittery the networks air just to have the TV on. Barn Raising With the Stars! Extreme Celebrity Fishing! I shouldn't do that lest I give them ideas.

This means that even when the strike ends there will be even less room on the schedule for scripted show than there is now. While you would think that less room would mean more competition which would lead to the cream rising to the top, you'd be wrong. It makes sense to think it but it won't happen. Isn't TV in general dumb enough without this? Do we really need to go out of our way to make it worse?

Look TV people, I realize you're just trying to look out for yourselves whichever side you're on but seriously, you're contributing to the further dumbing down of the country and we can't afford to get much dumber. Make a short term deal and get back to work and hammer something else out as you go. My brain begs you.

You can't put me in one of your neat little boxes!

2007-10-29T18:22:00.001-04:00

Mostly because I'm somewhat tall and broad. Although if you had a much larger box and it was clearly labeled as mine and it had my books in then maybe we could talk. Oh! And a big TV for me to watch movies and a comfy couch and a big bed and some beer and an internet connection and in the delivery range of a suitable amount of food joints. But other than that you will find me very much not in your various and sundry boxes, good sir!

It's a random kind of day so, yeah.

Does anyone else get meditative (Yes I meditate. It can sometimes quiet the demons.) when they think about things that aren't even close to being vaguely associated with meditation as a rule? Am I the only one that looks for enlightenment in a quark? Seeks God in coherent superposition? Gets a far away and dreamy look when thinking about experiments that accelerate light far beyond the norm? Pointless? Probably. Stupid? Not for me to say.

Seriously I think I'm onto something with that God thing. Y'know, Yog Sothoth is just a gigantic string of quarks though really when you're in the swirling center of chaos size probably loses some of its meaning. And by some I mean all.

I made a Venger joke recently and no one got it. None of you understood that sentence either. King of obscure references? Not likely but I am at least a member of the royal family.

What if you were allergic to your own nose hair?

Sometimes I am happy that there is a version of me that made all the right choices and has a great life. Other times I hate him. It's not an option to think that that person doesn't exist.

I support String Theory for the exceedingly scientific reason that I want it to be true.

Puppies are cuter than kittens.

Sweet monkey Jesus I'm tired. Later bitches.

Henceforth we will summer in Zebulon

2007-10-22T12:22:00.001-04:00

This weekend was finally time for TacoCon. Has the world ever before known such a level of awesome? No. No it has not.

On the way down I got a speeding ticket which a lesser man would have taken as a bad omen. I knew better. As I approached the land of Yay I saw an actual omen and it was good. A sign announced that I was drawing ever closer to Zebulon.

Zebulon.

As I got closer to it I was filled with more and more cheer until I finally crossed into it and erupted with a call of, "ZEBULON! WOOOOOOOT!!

Ah sweet Zebulon.

Finally I arrive at the House of Taco and skip through an imaginary field of posies up to the door. I have traveled far. Grant me access! Taco and fett have started merry making without me but I'm here now! Let us begin in earnest. I am also greeted at the door by Taco's daughter who instantly launches into a song and dance routine that is easily one the greatest things I have ever laid eyes on. These kids are destined to take our places at the top of Awesome Mountain. We set about our busy schedule of hanging out, drinking, talking, telling stories and being gods among men. We are successful on all counts.

So day 2 starts with lunch and then it's off to the fair. That's right, we're going to see some goats. Why goats, you ask? Why the hell not? More talking and general awesomnosity on the trip over and then we arrive and the levels of Pure Yay go off the charts. I know we're in for it when as soon as we're through the gates an announcement comes on inviting us to try some famous biscuits and "Get some south in your mouth!" The three of us stopped in our tracks as one person and turned to look at each other. No one else around us reacted to it at all. Nothing. These people live in the middle of comedy gold and have no appreciation of it. Many things will change once we establish our empire in Zebulon.

Have you ever seen three grown men wander around several buildings worth of goat pens laughing harder and harder as they go until finally they're leaning against walls in order to stay upright? Let me tell you, no one has EVER appreciated goats on as many levels as we did. The goats, the lolspeak, the jokes...sweet baby Jesus I damn near ruptured something. On the car ride back to the house I said maybe 10 words and the entire rest of the time I was laughing. I haven't laughed that hard or that long since...I don't remember ever doing it before actually. By the time we got to the house my ribs and face hurt like I had taken a beating. I loved it.

Still wiping away the tears of painful laughter we go in and Larry's here! Yay! We get all wound up again and before we have a chance to wind down, Yay! Blue's here! Much fun is had recounting the goat adventures and then more talking and story telling and being better than other people. It's quite something how much better than other people we are. Even more than I originally thought. Who knew such a thing was possible?

Side note, Blue's husband is my hero. In one sentence, just one, he expertly and thoroughly mocked the entire room with perfect timing and delivery. I've never seen anything like it before and he is our new lord and master. A statue will be erected at once and offerings will follow shortly thereafter. Seriously, the skill with which he cut us down was godlike. We, of course, laughed at it and ourselves like a pack of loons. To sum up, Kev = omgyespleasemore.

Day three involved a sammich that tasted like sweet sweet love, a retro store with a million things in it I want, Mario Bros. guitar solo and the biggest used book store I've ever seen. Clearly I had fallen into some kind of paradise from which I never wanted to be parted.

Alas it could not last. I had to return to my home state and restore the balance of awesome. We're already making plans for next year (with possible smaller events between) and I still want some shirts made, damn it!

And now I leave you with a short list of out of context quotes from the weekend:

You're doing it wrong!
Hang on, I think invisible goat is invisible.
Good people of Lizard Lick, we come in peace!
Was he a Bears fan?
Look at my aliens.
It's a METAPHOR!
You're so dreamy!
I brought a tarp and some oil.

This isn't anywhere near Crystal Lake is it?

2007-10-16T19:02:00.001-04:00

So after years of trying my sister and her husband finally talked me into going camping with them. In the past I've been meh about it because I don't care for most of their friends and at least one or two of these people tend to go as well. This time it was my sister's birthday and she laid on the pleases pretty thick (plus my drinkin' buddy was going and I was given to understand that I could drink as much as I wanted AND have control of the fire all weekend) so I figured why not. I packed a bag, a shitload of beer and off I went.

I went up on Friday morning with my brother in law so set up camp and my sister and drinking buddy came later in the evening. It didn't take long before I was completely lost as I have no sense of direction and am easily turned around. On the way up I went over what to do in case of machete killer attack in great detail as I feel this is very important information to have in the woods and I really wanted to feel like I was contributing, y'know? It turned out to be important because I totally spotted the lair of the aforementioned machete killer on the way to our site. Yay me.

Anyway some of us got fairly hammered the first night and it turned out that I should have gotten very hammered first thing Saturday. Have you ever been in a campground shower? Yeesh. It's much like a prison shower except with water pressure so high that I got what would normally be a $500 exfoliation treatment for free. I'm not sure if that's a win or lose. That night after many, many more beers and much playing with fire and good eating and general merriment me and my drinking buddy went for a trek through the woods. At night. Exceedingly dark night. Right past the lair of the machete killer!! What the hell man!? Rookie mistake! No excuses! Luckily he was out gutting someone else but if he'd been there I would have deserved his swift and brutal attention.

All in all it was fun though I literally did not sleep at all for the entire weekend. Just couldn't do it. I drank enough to stun a water buffalo and kept a fire burning for an entire weekend though and that is something indeed. I am...a camper.

Five Things: The Musical

2007-10-04T18:09:00.001-04:00

Since no one else liked my musings about lube (even though I stand by the FACT that that shit was funny) I will now punish you all with a new list. A recent post on Tim's blog got me thinking about music and how much I love it and that thought went hither and yon until it settled on side projects and supergroups and how lots of them suck but some are shamefully under appreciated. Without further ado I give you:

Five musical side projects/supergroups that I love.

1. Down

Down is a band made up from members of Pantera, Corrosion of Conformity and Crowbar. I first heard about them when a friend of mine bought their first album, NOLA, and put it on. I got a confused look on my face and said, "When did Pantera put out a new album and why does it sound so different yet awesome?" He laughed at my ignorance and explained and I made all due haste to purchase it. Quite a lot of haste was due.

The main draw for me was Phil Anselmo from Pantera on vocals and Pepper Keenan from C.O.C. on guitar. This band is way more than the sum of its parts. They've released three albums so far with all being somewhat different yet all be at least above average with my favorite still being NOLA, their first.

2. A Perfect Circle

Now, you all know that I love Tool more than is absolutely healthy and when I heard that MJK was doing a side project with Billy Howerdel I about fell out of my chair. I had high hopes but in the back of my mind I was concerned because how often is this kind of thing really good? Needless concern.

Mer de Noms was released and holy shit. It was light years ahead of a shitload of other people's main bands. Are you sure this is a side project? That album was shit hot and only got better as I listened to it more. Totally different vibe than Tool yet it still has more than a touch of MAYNARD (Judith for prime example) and it remains one of my favorite albums. Obviously Howerdel was deeply involved in the project and is quite talented but the main draw for me was always Maynard. Something about that voice cuts right into my brain.

APC released two studio albums and one album of covers full of songs about peace and war. All are good but Mer de Noms is a classic as far as I'm concerned.

3. Mad Season

This is a group that was formed in the 90's from members of Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam and Screaming Trees. There used to be a really good alternative station here at that time and they started playing a song called River of Deceit and I thought wait a minute, that's Layne Staley. Damn right it was. There is NO mistaking that absolutely amazing voice for anyone else's. I am a massive AiC fan and I think Staley is one of the most under appreciated musical talents of all time. Kurt Cobain gets the hype that Staley actually deserves. He was the main attraction for me and is more than worth the price of admission.

Mad Season released only one album called Above. It's probably better than the last thing you listened to.

4. Infectious Grooves

This band was originally formed with members of Suicidal Tendencies, Excel and Jane's Addiction. It was 1991 and a friend of mine runs in with a tape and slams it in and hits play. "Listen to this shit," said he.
"Is that Mike Muir?" I asked.
"Fuckin' right it is. Just wait, it gets better."

Mike Muir is the front man for Suicidal Tendencies which is, I hope at least some of you know, one of the best bands ever. Whichever "version" of SI people prefer (I like them through all the punk/crossover/thrash/metal/whatever-style-they-cared-to-do-for-whatever -album-it's-all-good) most people can find something to love. Anyway, Muir formed this band and it was pure funk metal. Think back to when the Red Hot Chili Peppers were actually good (you do realize they stopped being good in the very early 90's right?) and add even more funk with a harder edge and sometimes lots of humor. That's Infectious Grooves.

The main draw was Muir of course and they have released four albums so far. My favorite is probably Sarsippius' Ark.

5. Mike Patton

Before you can nay say this one let me remind you that virtually everything Patton has done has been on the side of something else so I think it counts. This guy is flat out fucking brilliant. He's been involved in more projects than even he can remember and he continues to churn out quality music that is almost impossible to categorize without using a ridiculous amount of labels.

I first heard him when he took over the singing duties for Faith No More for their album The Real Thing. I was instantly hooked. This album is pure genius. If you don't like it then I'm sorry but that's a deal breaker and we can't be friends anymore. Seriously. After that came his second album with them, Angel Dust. More experimental but no less grabtacular and is perhaps the single most under appreciated album ever.

He has also released music as part of or driving force behind Mr. Bungle, Tomahawk, Fantomas, Lovage and Peeping Tom among many many many others. Seriously he's insanely prolific. The only thing he's done that I didn't care for was when he got into that whole Japanese noise thing. I don't care for it in and of itself and even the best of it would still be something I didn't like so it wasn't his fault.

My favorite of his stuff is easily the two FNM albums I already mentioned plus his latest project which was Peeping Tom.

Once again you all have homework assignments assuming you don't already know and love all of these things. If you do already know and love all of these things then prepare yourself for sex because it's about to get rough in here.

Somehow we got through the whole thing without mentioning Christy

2007-09-26T18:44:00.001-04:00

I sometimes wonder about how my own mind works. It's sort of a hobby. I like to compare it to the way that other (lesser) minds work so as to try and locate the source of my own superiority at which point I will be able to grind it on the wheel until it has an edge so sharp that it will cut through my skull and flee to its proper home among the stars.

Wait, what was I talking about? How my mind works. Right.

So I'm on the phone with the Evil That Skips last night (it's one of the nicer things she's been called. I won't get into what they tend to call me...) and what she said was "...topical application of lubricant." What I heard was "...tactical application of lubricant." Now before you can ask me why we were talking about lubricant in the first place I will preemptively tell you that I don't know. We're never really more than a short hop away from lube talk at any point regardless of what we're talking about anyway so it's not important.

The point is that someone else would have said huh or what or say that again or simply glossed over it assuming she had slipped up but not me. No sir. I started thinking about it. Tactics. Tactical applications of lube. Lube Team Omega, you are go for lube. Repeat: go for lube. Can there then be a strategic application of lube? Long term lube goals? Is that something we should maybe think about folding into our current lubrication operations, lubeops, or should we form a new team that would specialize in that? So many choices. It's all a bit much really. Is Iran already developing this? Do they even now have training camps for suicide lubers? We have to move on this. Fast.

Things of this nature. Sometimes I love how my mind works. This is why I don't sleep anymore. The hallucinations are nice though. The fact that I could share some of this with her and she didn't do that thing the normals do and freak out and act all weird about it speaks volumes. They are of course forbidden Lovecraftian volumes but that's fine by us.

Right, left, right, left. Seems simple enough.

2007-09-18T20:35:00.002-04:00

There are some things that you'd think a full grown adult would be good enough at to do well all the time. Things like walking. This is not the case. I'm an experienced walker. Been doing it for decades. I've done it at home and school and work. I've done it for fun and under duress. I've done a lot of walking. A lot.

I still need practice apparently.

Today I was walking and there was a small and not at all steep ramp type thing and uh oh, twist, what the hell, thud. Down I went. Not a trip and then a few stumble steps. No no. I mean I went down. Full body splat on the ground. Now a different person might have gotten right up and gone on their way or more likely jumped up and looked around with that nervous thing people do when they feeling that weird shame thing I hear so much about.

Not me. I stayed down there. I gently put my head on the ground and decided to stay horizontal for a minute. It was quite nice really. Eventually I had to get up and then I realized that I had hurt one of my ankles. Again. I've had so many injuries to both my ankles that they are brittle now and prone to easy injury. So now I'll be hobbling around all limpy for a few days but I'll always have those precious moments of relaxation on the ground.

Good times.

Game's the same, just got more fierce.

2007-09-13T18:59:00.001-04:00

The bigger the awards show, the less relevance it has. Some of you may remember my post about the last Academy Awards and this is worse. Much worse. This is, all by itself, proof that shit just doesn't make any sense in the world of entertainment. I don't watch the Emmy awards but if you do then I kindly ask that you boycott this year.

The Wire was nominated for zero Emmy awards.

Allow me to put that in some kind of context for you. The Wire has, since it began, been one of the most praised and critically hailed shows ever. Ever. I have never heard or seen a bad review of it. I have never heard or seen a merely good review of it. I have ONLY EVER seen over the top great reviews of it. It is regarded, across the board, as one of the best shows to ever be on television and it is held to be the best show on television now by virtually every critic I have read. They make it a point to mention it in their reviews, sometimes multiple times just to make sure you saw it.

This season of The Wire that finished and would be up for consideration, its fourth, was held by all and sundry to be the best season of the show. Think about that. The best season of the best show on TV and one of the best (I've heard some go so far as to say THE best) shows to ever be on TV which makes it one of if not the best season of television to ever be broadcast in this country got nominated for no awards for excellence in television.

What. The. Fuck.

Obviously I love the show and agree with every critic (a rarity to be sure) that there is no better show currently going and that it is very high on the list of best ever. It is that fucking good. Whatever the show you love is that you stop what you're doing to watch, this show is better. No nominations. Not one.

The level of ignorance and stupidity that it takes for this kind of thing to happen makes my head hurt. Support those things that are awesome, people. Somebody damn well has to.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water

2007-09-07T23:11:00.001-04:00

Here comes more QUIZAM!

1) I've just given you a cocktail that will stop your heart after 48 hours and there is no cure. How will you spend these 48 hours?

There are people in this world that I swore I would outlive and I damn well meant it. With the rest of the time I would have one last convo with my mother and two sisters, leave a post on here to explain that I'm never coming back, take a six pack, drive as fast as I could to a nice shade tree by a river and just relax and wait for it.

2) What is your idea of a perfect world?

A world without any bigotry at all of any kind combined with a world without organized religion. Yes I know it looks like I just said something bigoted after I said I wanted no bigotry but I disagree and I have spoken. My word is law. Oh, there should be more white chocolate in the new perfect world too because I can never find any and I really love it.

3) I give you 10 Million dollars but with these terms: You must move out of the country and you must leave alone and tell no one where you are going. Do you take it?

Yes. Me being me I see countless loopholes in these conditions. I will move out of the country but maintain a secondary residence in country while telling no one about my primary home. Them I will share the loot with my family as is right and proper but just never invite them over to my real house which would be in northern Europe probably.

4) If you could live as a character from any movie, which would it be?

I'm trying to think of a movie where someone gets to have sex with Monica Bellucci because that would be it. Other than that, Mal from Serenity, Harry Tuttle from Brazil, Ed Bloom from Big Fish or the lead character from a high end, big budget lesbian porn.

5) What is one thing most people don't know about you?

The size of my penis.

taptaptap Is this thing on?

2007-09-02T01:09:00.002-04:00

Taco gave everyone questions to answer and since I can deny him nothing, here we go:

1. What is your favorite book of all time?

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. It is, without exception, the greatest novel ever written. You are free to think otherwise but you will of course be wrong. I have spoken. My word is law.

2. Now that you've given a totally bullshit answer in order to impress people on the intarwebs whom you've never met, stop being a poser and tell us what your real favorite book of all time is.

You're not going to get me with my own question. Good try though.

3. What famous person, past or present, would you ravage sexually given the opportunity? Addendum: this person must be counter to your own sexual orientation. If you are heterosexual, they must be of your sex. If you are homosexual, they must be of the opposite sex. If you are bisexual, they must be an animal or a plant.

I can't let Taco outdo me by answering all of these and then I only answer one. What kind of halfassedness would that be?

Male: If I have to choose one and only one? Johnny Depp probably. He's not just pretty, he's also very talented. But mostly it would be because he's pretty.

Female: Cleopatra. I have a longstanding crush on her. By all accounts she was insanely intelligent and apparently had a voice that was beautiful even when she was just speaking in normal conversation.

Animal and plant: When you think about it, they say "Fuck like a couple of bunnies" for a reason, right? Also, there's this ficus that's been giving me the ol' stink eye recently so, y'know.

4. What's the most bizarre sexual act you've ever committed? If you puss out and post something that's not interesting, we get to make fun of you. Make something up if you have to. Use lots of adjectives.

*edited because, well, because I said so*

5. Can you get the image of your grandparents fucking out of your head?

Both of my grandfathers died when I was still a baby so I couldn't get the image in my head even if I wanted to. In your face Flanders!

And a Zombie will save them

2007-08-27T20:27:00.001-04:00

At least I hope so. While I wait for people to answer my questions I figure I'll take a minute to talk about a thing or two.

As those that know me will know, I love movies. Movies are second only to books for me as far as entertainment goes. I see a lot of movies and I do mean a lot. It will also surprise no one (as I will often rant about my feelings concerning genre snobs and their ilk) that I also love horror cinema. I don't say that with a disclaimer attached. I love horror cinema. Not all of it of course because just like everything else, most of it is bad and just like everything else it goes in cycles and follows trends. These cycles and trends are often not my cup of Mexican beer.

The high points make me all manner of happy (the "Golden Age" of the 30's, the rise of Hammer Studios, the ridiculously intelligent things like Psycho and The Haunting from the 60's, the very very beginning of the slasher craze) while the low makes me sad for the genre (the slide into total camp of the forties which while entertaining in itself was shameful considering, the middle and end of the slasher craze, the remake boom, the Japanese remake boom, and everything from the current "torture porn" thing with the sole exception of the first Saw). I could write pages and pages about this but no one would care so I won't.

Anyway, I'm hoping that with the obvious death of the torture porn thing (I don't know who made that name up but that's what all the reviewers call it so, whatever) the next wave will be started next Friday, continued the Friday after that and picked up on for a while.

Rob Zombie please save me from bad horror films.

His remake of Halloween opens this weekend. Normally I would be screaming for his head on a platter but he's Rob Zombie. I've read lots of interviews and he has a real respect for and deep knowledge of horror cinema. He actually called John Carpenter before signing on for this and Carpenter told him to make it his own. My hope is that he will fire on all cylinders and blow me away.

The week after, a movie called Hatchet opens up. It calls itself old school American horror. Please don't let me down. If both of these movies take off it could mean a rebirth of good horror movies after a pretty vicious dry spell. Even if you don't care (very likely) keep your fingers crossed for my sake. The hard part about liking all genres is that you have more things to suffer through when the cycles and trends go south.

Let us pray that Brother Zombie will deliver us to evil. Amen.

Oh and in other geek news, Matt Wagner has a new Grendel series starting in November. Just typing it makes me sexually aroused. Also I have a sentence for you:

Warren Ellis has a new series out called Doktor Sleepless: Future Science Jesus.

If that sentence doesn't do it for you then you may already be dead.

I am Leechor, Evil Master of Power Suction

2007-08-20T19:48:00.001-04:00

1. Leave me a casual comment of no particular significance, like a lyric to your current favorite song, or your favorite kind of sandwich, maybe your favorite game. Any remark, meaningless or not.

2. I will respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.

3. Update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. Include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in your own post.

5. When others respond with a desultory comment, you will ask them five questions.

Questions by Damo/CS/I don't update my blog or sign into ICQ anything like often enough.

1. What's your full name, and is there a story behind any of the names you were given?

Brace yourself for mediocrity:

Earl Stephen Collins. My first name came from my father. He hated it and didn't want me named after him but my mother was adamant (re: wouldn't shut up about it) so he agreed to name me that on the condition that they then pick a middle name for me (he had none) which would be what everyone called me with no exceptions. He did not tolerate people calling me by my first name. When translated, my name means something like Crowned warrior prince. I dig it. Except for the part where the name that everyone calls me is from a guy that was killed for his beliefs. Perhaps not the best way to pick a name for a child.

2. What are your favourite homemade and take-away foods, and how long have you loved each?

Homemade is far and away Mom's chicken and dumplings. I would kill a man that got between me and the kitchen when she makes it. Take-away I'm going to have to say steamed Maryland blue crabs (it counts as take-away says I). If you get them from the right place then you will know what love tastes like. Ask anyone that's tried them.

I have loved each since the first time I tasted them. Just like your sister. I'm kidding! Jeez, you touchy bitches..

3. Desert island jukebox: You're sent on a retreat to a body of sand in the middle of nowhere with two palm trees and a hammock; what CDs did you pack (your wallet holds... let's say... ten)?

I object to this question on the grounds that is is cruel and unusual!

*shakes fist*

I'm going to assume that I'm not going to be stranded there forever but only for an extended period but still, ridiculously hard question. Do I pack music to fit the locale or do I just take my favorites? Do I try to offset the locale in some way? AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

OK, in no particular order and I'm not going to explain why, here goes:

1. The soundtrack from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
2. Led Zeppelin - How The West Was Won, Disc 1
3. Nude on the Moon - The B-52's Anthology, Disc 2
4. Faith No More - Either The Real Thing or Angel Dust. I'll flip a coin when it's time to go and choose then.
5. Johnny Cash - At Folsom Prison
6. Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
7. Alice in Chains - Dirt
8. Pantera - Vulgar Display of Power
9. Thelonius Monk with John Coltrane at Carnegie Hall
10. Depending on my mood, a really great Elvis or Beatles collection/best of/whatever.

4. What's your biggest achievement / proudest moment? Why? (if you can't come up with one, the question is "Why do you suck?")

I'm going to blow smoke up my own ass now and say that my biggest achievement is either reading my first novel at age three or first testing on a college level in sixth grade. I really am as smart as I say I am. Suck it.

5. Why oh why did you quit smoking?

You see even though I am ridiculously smart I am also capable of insane depths of stupidity. Case in point. I realized that smoking made me more relaxed and that I genuinely enjoyed it so of course I had to stop doing it and then go through the hell of withdraw followed by 2 and a half years (and counting) of almost never ending cravings. It's a wonderful display of exactly how much I hate myself really and thanks ever so much for reminding me.

Bitch.

Yep

2007-08-15T19:02:00.001-04:00

I had this whole insane rant typed up and ready to go when it hit me that I shouldn't and won't subject my friends who come here to my barely contained mental illness. I really just want to let the few that care know that it's bad today and looks to get worse before it gets better.

If you pray, then pray for me. If you don't then think happy thoughts or ask your overlords on the mothership to beam me down some peace. Anything you can spare.

Thanks.

My drink and the getting on of same

2007-08-05T17:42:00.001-04:00

These days I'm mostly a social drinker. Saturday nights when I play poker I'll one or two beers to loosen up, three if it's been a really awful week. Some weeks require more than this. A lot more. After swapping calls and texts with a few people during the week we decided that this last week was one of those. A true shit week that seemed to have it in for us all. Clearly it was a sign. We needed to blow off some steam. To grab that pressure release valve and haul that sumbitch around hard and fast.

We quickly devised a clever and intricate plan which I will now share with you.

The Plan

1. Go out.
2. Drink.
3. Drink quite a lot more.
4. Give it a good hard think.
5. Decide on having more drinks.
6. WOOHOO!

It's a work of genius isn't it? You'd think that it's too elaborate for us to pull off and let me tell you we had our doubts. We thought it might be too big, too grand an adventure. I'll admit it, we were scared. But did that stop us? No! We bravely set out to make The Plan a reality.

My friends I am pleased to announce that we were successful beyond our wildest hopes.

I haven't been that hammered for long and long and, Maker bless me, there wasn't the slightest hint of nausea which is weird because we were packing away a wide variety of food. Highlights included the crab dip, jerk chicken, a variety of chicken wings and what's a party without some deep fried cheese? The Old Man was looking after me for sure and many thanks you wily and magnificent bastard. I haven't laugh that much or that hard for a very long time and I really needed it.

Note: when you're completely faced, never play pool against the designated driver. He'll cheat. Somehow when I was trying to break he made me miss the cue four times in a row. Sneaky git.

Anyway, I wouldn't normally bore you lot with a drunk story but I don't have many good nights (or days for that matter) and when I do I like to share. Also, I heartily recommend that everyone get a friend that you can collapse into a drunken heap with, arms and legs twined together like a string of Christmas lights that have been sitting in a box all year, and go to sleep with without any of the bullshit sexual tension that normally keeps people from that kind of thing.

Bonus: zero hangover.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should

2007-07-28T23:55:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking recently about how much faster I used to read compared with how fast I read now. I've been telling myself that I do it on purpose so that I can better appreciate the words and what they mean and what they might mean and this or that string of words is something to be savored slowly. Better, thought I, to walk through the lovely garden to better see and examine all the flowers individually than to run through so I could see the next garden because it too is lovely and perhaps the one after that is more lovely still. This is what I've been telling myself.

This morning I started wondering if it was actually true.

Did you know that if you tell yourself something over and over again eventually you can convince yourself that it's true and you will believe it even if it isn't? I read a study a couple of years back that found that every person in the world has memories of things that never happened owing to this type of thing. All of us. So I wondered about this in relation to my reading (thinking about it in relation to every memory I have will do nothing but drive me further down the road to crazy town) and decided to put it to the test.

I snatched a book off the top of a stack this morning and dove in with the intent to read it fast. Fast fast. Like old times fast with the pedal to the floor like the devil was on my tail.

Oy.

A couple of hours later I was done and realized I hadn't enjoyed it much. Not nearly as much as was warranted. I felt kind of bleh and my eyes hurt. It's late at night now and they STILL hurt. Bad idea all the way around. What the hell was I thinking? It seems so idiotic now. I can't ever read the book again for the first time and my eyes hurt all the live long day. Nitwit.

Anyway, I told you that to tell you this:

Walk, don't run.

Stop and look around sometimes.

Sit down and think on it for a good long while.

There's no need to race especially if you're the only one on the road.

Enjoy your journeys even when it means you're going to have fewer of them.

Good night.

Five Things IV: The Revenge

2007-07-16T19:20:00.001-04:00

It occurs to me that I like things. A lot of things. Sometimes when I'm filled with the desire to punish myself I'll try to talk to people about some of the things I like. Turns out that even when people like things that are awesome (everything I like is automatically awesome based on the fact that I like it) they are still morons. Is it enough that they like awesome things? No, no it is not. I give you:

Five things I like that I hate the other fans of

1. Tool. We've talked about Tool before and you know that of all the bands actively making music today they are my favorite. Their other fans are mostly annoying idiots. To say nothing of the usual shit you have to hear after the release of each new album, IE, that they've started to suck (this is not, of course, unique to Tool as it happens to every band ever) which is annoying but not as annoying as those that continue being fans.

They completely miss the point which is impressive because there tend to be several points and they tend to be pretty fucking big. I don't even know that much about musical theory but I know that Tool does and that they push boundaries on virtually every song. Each member is highly skilled, particularly the drummer who is on a whole other level and the singer wields his voice like an instrument. A lot of singers claim to do this but very few actually do. Their disregard for conventional songwriting and the ridiculous amount of layers to the songs and hot damn is this shit amazing.

Then you hear someone talk about them and it's idiotic nitwittery at its finest. No appreciation for any of the subtle work involved, no understanding of the lyrics. Nothing. At the other end of the spectrum are the freaks that will tell you that they astral project and meet Adam Jones in the astral plane where they make sweet monkey love for days at a time.

I'm sorry, what? OK you twits, do less drugs. Ugh, I fucking hate them all.

2. Neil Gaiman. I've been a Gaiman fan since way back when he took over Miracleman from Alan Moore (this series is easily one of the best ever, bar none) and I've been hooked ever since. Black Orchid, Sandman, Books of Magic, the short stories and the novels and oh my is this guy the best story teller of this generation? He just might be.

I've run into other fans from time to time but when he came to a local convention and did some panels and signings I got to see lots of his fans right up close. It's not pretty. They tend to be one of two types, either a drooling Sandman fan or a drooling American Gods fan. Emphasis on the drool. The Sandman fan can also be a Death fan complete with an outfit to match and bad hair dye and eye makeup and both types will go on and on about their chosen obsession and after listening to them for several minutes you realize they haven't actually said anything.

It's like they try to make the rest of us look bad.

There he was sitting on the stage and being charmingly British and they asked a bunch of insipid questions and the rest of the crowd was hanging onto each word because it was the same question they were going to ask. Refer back to people missing the point by a country mile. If you get into a discussion about the influences of different Sandman story lines or his obviously large knowledge of myth and folklore that displays itself in his prose writing you get blank looks from these people. I don't want to hate, they MAKE me hate.

3. Fight Club. Now I enjoyed both the book and the film but unfortunately so did a bunch of other people. Mostly middle class white kids that didn't understand either book or movie and then thought that being fans of one or the other made them transform into tough guys. Sorry suburban white kid, you're still a fucking douche that couldn't win a real fight if the other guy was tied down.

For years I was subjected to hearing these idiots quoting Tyler Durden and puffing out their chests and if you ever actually ask one of them if they realize that the story isn't really about Tyler Durden at all you'll get nothing but blank or confused looks. I wanted to punch every one of them that I came in contact with so bad that thinking about it made my pant covered area tingle.

No offense white folks but most of you are seriously, SERIOUSLY fucking irritating.

4. Literature. When I say literature I mean the kind of books you have to read in school. You know the stuff, gets its own section in most book stores so it doesn't have to rub elbows with regular or, God forbid, genre fiction. The other people that like this tend to fall into one of several categories and all of them are annoying on a level that makes me itch for violence.

There are the people that read it but don't understand it yet act as though they do and are vastly more superior than other people. These are easy to spot because they can't actually have a conversation about literature but they'll still attempt to look down their noses at you after you've discovered that they are brain dead.

Then you have the type that will only read literature and would never dare stoop to reading anything else. These are the bulk of them from what I've seen and if one of them accidentally reads something else and it turns out to be good then they all adopt the writer as one of their own but will still be snooty about the way that they "slum" in the wretched ghetto of genre fiction. Ray Bradbury is one example of this.

The thing about both of these groups is that a lot of them will only read the most famous stuff and disregard the rest. For example they will read Orwell's 1984 and Animal Farm but not The Clergyman's Daughter or his essays or they will read Heller's Catch-22 but none of his other books. This makes zero sense to me and I can never get a good explanation out of any of them. If you say that Writer A is great and that their Book A is great then why wouldn't you actively seek out their other work? How far up your own ass is your head buried? Can you actually taste your own esophagus yet? It doesn't make any damn sense!

5. Oxygen. Everywhere I go I see herds of useless people sucking up all the oxygen. Do they appreciate it on the level that I do? No. But there they go, using it all up and continuing on with their lives.

Fuckers.

Guess who's still a geek

2007-06-28T18:09:00.001-04:00

If you said me, you're right. I know that some of you enjoy reading and some of you enjoy it in any form so I thought I'd drop an update on some very good comics that I have either just discovered for myself or have started getting monthly. As usual if you are one of those idiots that looks down your nose at comics and the people that read them then stop reading and kindly fuck off. We don't want any of your ignorant snobbery dripping on our comics.

Y: The Last Man

This is a title that has been around for a while now and I picked up the first collection, loved the hell out of it and decided that they would all be mine. Oh yes, they will. This is an award winning and ridiculously acclaimed story that starts with the deaths of every male mammal on earth except Yorick Brown and his monkey. Vertigo puts this out monthly and is supposed to run for 60 issues. Like many Vertigo titles there are no capes and super powers here but there is a fantastic story that is packed with layers and layers of yum. Highly recommended.

Buffy Season 8

Buffy the Vampire Slayer went off the air several years ago and a part of me died that day. The show was always one of the most intelligently written on TV and I missed it immensely. JossWhedon then announced that he would do season 8 of the show as a comic book series. After the spontaneous orgasm passed I started getting it. It is everything that the show was and more. There are no budget constraints so the only limit is Whedon's imagination (which followers of Buffy, Angel, Firefly, etc will tell you is abundant). His writing is still sharp and it was great dropping in on the characters again. So far 5 issues have come out and originally it was supposed to go for 20 or so but the ideas just kept coming and now has ballooned to 50+ in short order.

Keep them coming Joss. As long as you do it I'll keep buying it.

The Boys

This is the new series from Garth Ennis (Preacher) with art by Darick Robertson (Transmetropolitan). Let that sink in for a minute. You want it now don't you? I knew you would. Anyway the series is about a CIA backed squad in a world where heroes are plentiful (more so than in a "normal" comic universe) and they sometimes need to be watched, kept in line or even killed. Not the villains mind you, the heroes. Ennis has said that this book will "Out-Preacher Preacher" and if that doesn't do it for you, you're dead inside.

It was first published by Wildstorm (owned by DC) but was dropped after 6 issues due to what they thought of as antisuperhero writing. I think they missed the point. It's more a deconstruction of the superhero myth (kind of like Miracleman but not as, y'know, Alan Moore) than anything else. They agreed to let them take the book elsewhere and publication has resumed this month with #7. A collection of the first six issues is out now. Go get it.

Fell

This is the new title by Warren Ellis (HellBlazer, Transmetropolitan, The Authority, Planetary, c'mon, it's Warren fucking Ellis) about detective Richard Fell. He is one of "three and a half" cops working in Snowtown which is like the worst crime city in the world multiplied by 10. It is strange, it is weird, it is surreal and you absolutely should be reading it. It is so much more than I can explain to you here. The first collection with the first 8 issues is out now and the series is monthly.

And now a few mainstream things that I'm into even though I'm not going to get back into the mainstream ever. Follow me, it'll make sense in a minute.

Matt Wagner (Grendel, Mage) has done two limited series in the early stages of Batman's career. He takes a very pulpy kind of attitude but with a very real Matt Wagner angle to it. If you understand that then you'll love these. None of the bad guys you know and love (Batman has always had the very best rogue's gallery) have appeared yet but I think if he does another one that they will start popping in.

Both minis are collected and they are Batman and the Monster Men and Batman and the Mad Monk. Both up to the high standard that anyone would expect from this giant of the field.

DC has also started two series based on their biggest icons but they are series that aren't really inside the normal universe of either of them. For both they have brought together one well known and respected writer and one well known and respected artist and let them loose to do their thing. The results are All Star Batman by Frank Miller (!!!!) and Jim Lee and All Star Superman by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely.

The Batman series is very much a Frank Miller Batman series and is set, it seems to me, very much in his Dark Knight universe and not in standard DC continuity. He's gotten some flak for his portrayal of this or that thing or character but what the hell did you expect when you saw a Batman book with Miller's name on it? Nitwits.

The Superman series won an Eisner award and is so good it'll make your toes curl. New life into the Man of Steel? Believe it.

There you have it, for now. Get you to a comic shop and get some or all of these grabtacular things. Go on, I'll wait.

So I'm a little late to the party

2007-06-18T18:34:00.002-04:00

First a little background. I read. A lot. By that I mean that I read far far more than a regular person does. It borders on obsession I'm told. I've read and I own more books than anyone I know (and I know some very literate people), I have multiple library cards and so on and so on and so on. I told you that to tell you this:

I've never read those Harry Potter books.

So I've decided to do that now. I have to know what made what is probably the most illiterate generation in a "civilized" country in a long long time turn off the TV, put down the gamepad, sign out of AIM and pull out the earbuds in order to actually read something. Anything that can do that seemingly miraculous thing is something that I should read because the result is something that I am very much for. Pro-that. Yay that. It's a thing that made an entire generation that looked at books with confusion at best and outright disdain at worst actually read something. I'm still amazed by it.

Normally I don't fall into the hype pit. You couldn't make me read The Da Vinci Code at gunpoint. G'head, shoot me motherfucker I ain't doin' it. I don't watch reality TV. I mostly avoid bestsellers as a rule. When the hype machine gets going I tend to get wary. I see this a little differently and I'll tell you why.

First, it got very good reviews even before it exploded. Sure a lot of the later reviews and probably many of the awards were a result of the insane sales figures but it did get praise before then. This is key.

Second, I've seen several writers who I like give it a thumbs up and that is one of the major ways that I find new writers. If someone whose work I enjoy likes your work then maybe I should be checking it out. It usually doesn't let me down though obviously it isn't ironclad. I did find my favorite writer this way so it's a going to be company policy for the foreseeable future.

Third, it made a lot of "real" writers very weepy and bitchtastic. I clearly remember when the bestseller list was clogged with the name Rowling in the top 4 spots. Number 1 was her 4th, number 2 was her 3rd and so on. This made the "real" writers so angry that they banded together and got them kicked off of the list completely. The top four spots were vacated and everyone moved up four places. Rowling's 5th and 6th book didn't appear on the list either even though they were the top sellers for long and long and her forthcoming book will not appear on it either.

This is such dizzying bullshit that it makes me nauseous.

The thing it most reminds me of is when Neil Gaiman won the World Fantasy Award for best short story. He won it for one issue of a comic book series that he wrote. The "real" writers nearly had strokes when they were beaten by a lowly and unworthy comic book writer. They banded together and got the rules changed so that a comic book would never win again.

Y'know guys, if you were better writers you might win more awards and sell more books. Maybe if you spent as much time and energy and displayed the same amount of passion in your work as you do trying to piss on the work of others you would actually be as good as you clearly think you are. Fuck you all. Each and every one of you.

Lastly, refer back to the part where it got millions of slack jawed, mouth breathing, barely literate imbeciles to pick up a book, finish it and then clamor for more.

So yeah, I'm going to be doing that.