So the Swiss have decided not to extradite Roman Polanski back to the US. Now I'm not going to get into the legal aspect of their decision, I want to talk about him and the people that support him because they're both making me fucking sick.
For anyone who might not know, Roman Polanski, a famous movie director, drugged, raped and sodomized a 13 year old girl when he was 43. He had a trial, admitted guilt, went to counseling and then when he was supposed to report for sentencing he fled the country and went to France and has since avoided going to countries that might catch and send him back. What a great guy. I've seen and heard people say things like "It was a lapse in judgement" and "He's suffered enough" and "It's just wrong that he couldn't accept his Oscar in person" and other assorted idiocy.
Firstly a lapse in judgement is you deciding to do something wrong one time that goes against your normal behavior. How many child rapists do you know of that have only ever done it once and then decided to stop? On top of that once he fled to France he started "dating" a 15 year old. That's not a lapse, it's a pattern. And he's suffered enough? HE'S suffered enough? A child molester can never suffer enough you useless brain dead fucking imbeciles. Oh yeah it's a terrible burden to have people say you're a child rapist when you're an admitted child rapist. How terrible. And the 42 days of counseling had to have been awful and this last time when they had you under house arrest in a Swiss ski chalet must have been hellish. If you think he's suffered at all let alone enough do us all a favor and lay your head down on a busy road and wait for it.
Apparently the lesson we're to learn here is that if you want to rape children you should first become wealthy and famous. That way even if everyone finds out you did it you'll still never have to pay for it.
Now my head hurts so to sum up:
Roman Polanski, I hope you get ass raped by a gorilla then get cancer of the dick you fucking worthless piece of shit.
Polanski supporters and apologists: Shut. The fuck. Up. Liking someone's work doesn't give them a free pass to do whatever they want. If Martin Scorsese came to your house and ass rapes you is it OK because I really like his movies? No. So if you support this guy go jump off a tall building you fucking retards. Barring that keep your fucking ignorance to yourself.
Showing posts with label rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rants. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, December 28, 2009
And we're back
I haven't really been in the mood to share anything since I became a shiftless layabout but I figure it's time to get back on the horse and start typing away. Let's start with something easy. People who are annoying me.
Thankfully christmas is over (see previous posts for my thoughts about all that, I'm not getting into it again here) but I was just reminded that New Year's Eve is still forthcoming and with it the inevitable stupid people and drunk drivers killing lots of other people. That made me think of something else that's been annoying the piss out of me for the last month or so.
Best of the decade lists.
I'm going to explain it again so please listen this time. The decade is NOT over until the end of next year. I went through all this with people when the whole 2000 thing came around. 2000 was not the beginning of the new millennium, 2001 was. Therefore 2000 was also not the beginning of the new century or the new decade. It's simple math, people. You start counting at 1, not zero so the decade began in 2001 and will end in 2010. Save your mostly shitty best of the decade lists until the decade is actually winding down will ya?
Irritating bastards...
Thankfully christmas is over (see previous posts for my thoughts about all that, I'm not getting into it again here) but I was just reminded that New Year's Eve is still forthcoming and with it the inevitable stupid people and drunk drivers killing lots of other people. That made me think of something else that's been annoying the piss out of me for the last month or so.
Best of the decade lists.
I'm going to explain it again so please listen this time. The decade is NOT over until the end of next year. I went through all this with people when the whole 2000 thing came around. 2000 was not the beginning of the new millennium, 2001 was. Therefore 2000 was also not the beginning of the new century or the new decade. It's simple math, people. You start counting at 1, not zero so the decade began in 2001 and will end in 2010. Save your mostly shitty best of the decade lists until the decade is actually winding down will ya?
Irritating bastards...
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
You I'll not follow
So I'm driving home today and I finally heard it. The new Alice in Chains song.
Wow. Just...wow.
I understand the desire the surviving members must have to make more music and even the desire to work together again but this shit is just wrong. The new singer, no idea who it is and I'm not going to waste time trying to find out, is trying his hardest to sound like Layne Staley. You might remember that Layne Staley was the original singer and, in my not at all humble opinion the most talented member of the group prior to his untimely and much lamented death. His voice was like a soul being tormented in the worst part of hell expelling lyrics that made you feel exactly what that felt like (I speak primarily about those songs whose lyrics Staley wrote himself or wrote the lion's share of. Just listen to an AiC CD and you'll figure out which is which.)
Now you have some random guy doing a second rate Staley impersonation. It's fucking sick. I have lost all respect for the other members of that band. How anyone could ever think this was a good idea is beyond me. Form a new band with a new singer and then find the sound of that band. Don't spit on Staley's memory by hiring some no talent wannabe and then trying really hard, and failing, to sound like Alice in Chains. Henceforth I will only refer to this abomination as Jerry Cantrell's Band.
Cantrell, you're a piece of shit. Truly.
Then against my better judgement I tried to actually listen to the song. Imagine if your ears had balls and then got got kicked in the balls in your ears. It's like that. A wildly overproduced, poorly written piece of offal. That guy can try, and Cantrell and company can work the boards to help him try to sound like Layne but you'll never fool a real fan. Layne would never sing a song with lyrics that are Nickelback level insipid and include the word California in them, what, 9000 times. Did you bring in Anthony Kiedis to give a rewrite to your Nickelback songs?
The three surviving members of AiC who are currently in Jerry Cantrell's Band clearly have no respect for Layne, no respect for AiC fans and no respect for themselves. I've never wanted an album to bomb so badly in my life.
The entire thing makes me feel sick. If you'll excuse me I have to go listen to Dirt about a million fucking times to wash the foulness out of my ears and hopefully off my brain.
Wow. Just...wow.
I understand the desire the surviving members must have to make more music and even the desire to work together again but this shit is just wrong. The new singer, no idea who it is and I'm not going to waste time trying to find out, is trying his hardest to sound like Layne Staley. You might remember that Layne Staley was the original singer and, in my not at all humble opinion the most talented member of the group prior to his untimely and much lamented death. His voice was like a soul being tormented in the worst part of hell expelling lyrics that made you feel exactly what that felt like (I speak primarily about those songs whose lyrics Staley wrote himself or wrote the lion's share of. Just listen to an AiC CD and you'll figure out which is which.)
Now you have some random guy doing a second rate Staley impersonation. It's fucking sick. I have lost all respect for the other members of that band. How anyone could ever think this was a good idea is beyond me. Form a new band with a new singer and then find the sound of that band. Don't spit on Staley's memory by hiring some no talent wannabe and then trying really hard, and failing, to sound like Alice in Chains. Henceforth I will only refer to this abomination as Jerry Cantrell's Band.
Cantrell, you're a piece of shit. Truly.
Then against my better judgement I tried to actually listen to the song. Imagine if your ears had balls and then got got kicked in the balls in your ears. It's like that. A wildly overproduced, poorly written piece of offal. That guy can try, and Cantrell and company can work the boards to help him try to sound like Layne but you'll never fool a real fan. Layne would never sing a song with lyrics that are Nickelback level insipid and include the word California in them, what, 9000 times. Did you bring in Anthony Kiedis to give a rewrite to your Nickelback songs?
The three surviving members of AiC who are currently in Jerry Cantrell's Band clearly have no respect for Layne, no respect for AiC fans and no respect for themselves. I've never wanted an album to bomb so badly in my life.
The entire thing makes me feel sick. If you'll excuse me I have to go listen to Dirt about a million fucking times to wash the foulness out of my ears and hopefully off my brain.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Can she spell Polidori?
Eventually I knew I would have to write something about Stephenie Meyer. I don't want to. I have to. You see, this level of aggressive, willfully ignorant bullshit draws me to it. I want so much to ignore it but I can't. I want to be able to shake my head sadly and walk away.
Not gonna happen, folks.
For those of you who are lucky and don't know Stephenie Meyer she is the, for want of a better word, writer of the Twilight series. For those who are exceptionally lucky and don't know what that is, it's a series of YA vampire books. If vampires were toothless puppies and dipped in glitter.
"But Uncle E," I hear you saying, "Why do you choose to focus on this person when there are so many bad writers out there to choose from?" I'm glad you asked. Let me explain:
The vampire legend itself is ancient with roots tracing back several millennia. As far as things that go bump in the night go, they're old school. They come in many varieties ranging from mindless things barely more than Romero zombies to your more modern nobility in formal wear. In some cultures they drink blood, in some they leech the very life force out of you. There are many, many different kinds of vampire is what I'm saying and that's just the legend. The ones that people used to live in real fear of day to day from culture to culture, century after century literally all over the world.
Then you get into vamps in literature and later films and still later TV. Most of it, and by that I mean the overwhelming majority, isn't good. Most of it is bad and a lot of it is downright awful. But when it's good, man is it good.
Le Fanu's Carmilla, King's Salem's Lot, Matheson's I Am Legend, Wilson's Midnight Mass and so on plus, of course, Bram Stoker's Dracula. I mean, everyone's read that one right? Right?
I told you all that to tell you this: By reading those last three short and off the top of my head paragraphs you just did more research than Stephenie Meyers did before beginning work on the Twilight series. I am not making this up as a jokey way of saying her books are bad. The books are bad because she's a terrible fucking writer. I say that because out of her own mouth she does not read horror books. Does not read vampire books (so no, she's never read Dracula). Does not watch horror movies. Hell, does not watch R rated movies AT ALL. In interviews she said she saw a little piece of Interview With A Vampire on TV and her thoughts on it were summed up with, "Yuck" and then she thinks, thinks she saw a bit of The Lost Boys (which I love) and her opinion of it was, "but I was like, creepy!"
I'm not making this shit up.
As a lover of literature and a person with deep respect for the process this kind of bullshit offends me. It makes me feel ill. The insipid tripe she pushes on people has vampires that wander around in the day and they sparkle. Get that? They sparkle. And there's a strong message of celibacy in her books. Are you fucking kidding me? Vampires, particularly modern vampires ARE sex! Everything they do is centered around sex either figuratively or literally. You have to be some kind of fucking moron to not see it. Or maybe a mormon like Meyers is. Probably both actually with at least a little fairly serious head trauma thrown in for good measure. It's like writing about werewolves that willingly wear leashes and are housebroken and beg for bacon flavored doggie treats. Actually it's more like trying to make a porn movie when you've never had sex or even seen human genitals before.
Fucking ignorant bitch.
The level of disrespect this dumps on the long history of vampire fiction is something I can't recall ever seeing before. I can't think of another example as bad as this horrid, puerile gunch. Hey I heard of these things called vampires! They're like, these things! And they have, like, teeth! I think! And uh...they do stuff! I'm gonna write a book about them except make them nice and sparkly!
Nex time you get the urge to write Stephenie, do us all a favor and take your head out of your ass, run as fast as you can to the nearest convenient set of train tracks and stand on them. Then shoot yourself in the fucking head a split second before the train splatters your worthless ass all over creation you brainless, contemptible, utterly fucking ignorant imbecile.
I'm thinking most of you probably won;t really understand my intense hatred for this woman and that's a shame. Actually it's probably better for you if you don't.
I had more venom to spit but I'm just too tired for it.
Not gonna happen, folks.
For those of you who are lucky and don't know Stephenie Meyer she is the, for want of a better word, writer of the Twilight series. For those who are exceptionally lucky and don't know what that is, it's a series of YA vampire books. If vampires were toothless puppies and dipped in glitter.
"But Uncle E," I hear you saying, "Why do you choose to focus on this person when there are so many bad writers out there to choose from?" I'm glad you asked. Let me explain:
The vampire legend itself is ancient with roots tracing back several millennia. As far as things that go bump in the night go, they're old school. They come in many varieties ranging from mindless things barely more than Romero zombies to your more modern nobility in formal wear. In some cultures they drink blood, in some they leech the very life force out of you. There are many, many different kinds of vampire is what I'm saying and that's just the legend. The ones that people used to live in real fear of day to day from culture to culture, century after century literally all over the world.
Then you get into vamps in literature and later films and still later TV. Most of it, and by that I mean the overwhelming majority, isn't good. Most of it is bad and a lot of it is downright awful. But when it's good, man is it good.
Le Fanu's Carmilla, King's Salem's Lot, Matheson's I Am Legend, Wilson's Midnight Mass and so on plus, of course, Bram Stoker's Dracula. I mean, everyone's read that one right? Right?
I told you all that to tell you this: By reading those last three short and off the top of my head paragraphs you just did more research than Stephenie Meyers did before beginning work on the Twilight series. I am not making this up as a jokey way of saying her books are bad. The books are bad because she's a terrible fucking writer. I say that because out of her own mouth she does not read horror books. Does not read vampire books (so no, she's never read Dracula). Does not watch horror movies. Hell, does not watch R rated movies AT ALL. In interviews she said she saw a little piece of Interview With A Vampire on TV and her thoughts on it were summed up with, "Yuck" and then she thinks, thinks she saw a bit of The Lost Boys (which I love) and her opinion of it was, "but I was like, creepy!"
I'm not making this shit up.
As a lover of literature and a person with deep respect for the process this kind of bullshit offends me. It makes me feel ill. The insipid tripe she pushes on people has vampires that wander around in the day and they sparkle. Get that? They sparkle. And there's a strong message of celibacy in her books. Are you fucking kidding me? Vampires, particularly modern vampires ARE sex! Everything they do is centered around sex either figuratively or literally. You have to be some kind of fucking moron to not see it. Or maybe a mormon like Meyers is. Probably both actually with at least a little fairly serious head trauma thrown in for good measure. It's like writing about werewolves that willingly wear leashes and are housebroken and beg for bacon flavored doggie treats. Actually it's more like trying to make a porn movie when you've never had sex or even seen human genitals before.
Fucking ignorant bitch.
The level of disrespect this dumps on the long history of vampire fiction is something I can't recall ever seeing before. I can't think of another example as bad as this horrid, puerile gunch. Hey I heard of these things called vampires! They're like, these things! And they have, like, teeth! I think! And uh...they do stuff! I'm gonna write a book about them except make them nice and sparkly!
Nex time you get the urge to write Stephenie, do us all a favor and take your head out of your ass, run as fast as you can to the nearest convenient set of train tracks and stand on them. Then shoot yourself in the fucking head a split second before the train splatters your worthless ass all over creation you brainless, contemptible, utterly fucking ignorant imbecile.
I'm thinking most of you probably won;t really understand my intense hatred for this woman and that's a shame. Actually it's probably better for you if you don't.
I had more venom to spit but I'm just too tired for it.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Actually
Scratch all that. It occurred to me today that while I have been getting pounded down by life since, well, birth, I keep getting up. I thought for a long long time that I was just too stupid to just stay down. That's not it. I keep getting up because you can't beat me bad enough to keep me down. You can take everything from me but when you take everything away from someone all you do is set them free. Kill me? Ha! G'head, kill the lifelong depressive. Pfft.
You pound away and pound away and we can never hit back but still you can't beat me. I'm always going to keep getting back up. You. Can't. Beat. Me. You can however kiss my high yellow ass.
You pound away and pound away and we can never hit back but still you can't beat me. I'm always going to keep getting back up. You. Can't. Beat. Me. You can however kiss my high yellow ass.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sick and tired of being sick and tired
Ah life, you miserable fucking whore. Full of ups and downs but it turns out the ups are only there to make the downs worse than they might normally be. Then you get the obligatory "everything will be ok" or "things will get better" from all and sundry which is no help at all because neither of those things are even remotely fucking true and only serve to make you feel like an even shittier and more furious. Keep that shit to yourselves, I don't want to hear it.
Of course this will often lead into someone telling you to let this or that god take care of it. Really? These same gods you people seem to think having been taking care of me up to this point? These same gods that have overseen the most heinous shit being visited on me and mine the entirety of our lives already? Fuck off. If that shit is your idea of something being taken care of then do me a favor and tell your chosen god to fuck off and leave me alone.
Then of course come the brain damaged fuck smudges that love to tell people that it could be worse. Other people somewhere have it worse. Someone in the world is having a worse time of it than you. Really? Is that idiotic bullshit supposed to make someone feel better? Are you fucking retarded? It's ok that you got mugged because someone else got mugged and gangraped. It's ok that you got mugged and gangraped because someone else got mugged, gangraped and then set on fire. It's ok that you got mugged, gangraped and set on fire because someone else got mugged, gangraped, set on fire and then put out by being pissed on by a phalanx of lepers.
This is your helpful input? How about you do something actually helpful and go choke to death on a bag full of diseased cock. That'd be great. Thanks.
Anyway, life. Fuck. You.
Of course this will often lead into someone telling you to let this or that god take care of it. Really? These same gods you people seem to think having been taking care of me up to this point? These same gods that have overseen the most heinous shit being visited on me and mine the entirety of our lives already? Fuck off. If that shit is your idea of something being taken care of then do me a favor and tell your chosen god to fuck off and leave me alone.
Then of course come the brain damaged fuck smudges that love to tell people that it could be worse. Other people somewhere have it worse. Someone in the world is having a worse time of it than you. Really? Is that idiotic bullshit supposed to make someone feel better? Are you fucking retarded? It's ok that you got mugged because someone else got mugged and gangraped. It's ok that you got mugged and gangraped because someone else got mugged, gangraped and then set on fire. It's ok that you got mugged, gangraped and set on fire because someone else got mugged, gangraped, set on fire and then put out by being pissed on by a phalanx of lepers.
This is your helpful input? How about you do something actually helpful and go choke to death on a bag full of diseased cock. That'd be great. Thanks.
Anyway, life. Fuck. You.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I have one too and it's not all that special
I'd like to share a conversation I was involved in with you, mostly so I can share my pain. Please read to the end as it doesn't go where you think it's going to go.
Me (Seeing something about Sarah Palin): God, I can't stand her. I'm so glad they didn't get elected I can't even tell you.
Woman (who is overly religious): Me too. She shouldn't be anywhere near the White House.
Me: I know! She's such an imbecile! She comes off like a total airhead and that "I'm just a regular soccer mom" schtick is such an obvious put on it makes me physically ill.
Woman: Plus she's a woman.
Me: ...what?
Woman: Women shouldn't hold public office especially vice president or president. She should be home taking care of her family.
Me: What!? (Followed by an angry tirade against this completely ignorant and utterly offensive line of thinking.)
Here I have someone, a woman no less, telling me that no woman should be an elected official because she has no right to not be at home being a servant to her family. Actually no, servants get paid. It was her religion telling her this. Her stupid fucking religion. She's married to a worthless piece of shit by the way who she thinks is better than her based solely on the fact that he has, allegedly, a dick.
The pure ignorance of this line of thinking makes my head hurt. It robs me of coherent argument and leaves me red faced and shouting. Of course I already knew that religion poisons minds but when it leaps out at you when you aren't expecting it in ways that raise the bar for offensive stupidity it's like discovering it for the first time all over again.
I don't give a fuck what your magic book says, it's wrong. Not wrong like you like a band I don't and I call you wrong. Wrong like you saying the sky is brown or water is dry or Pi is 7.1972645. Wrong. Not opinion. Fact. You are wrong. For the love of all things how can people still think this way in the 21st century?
Eventually I remembered my rule and ended the back and forth. It's a good rule so I'll share it with you again. Arguing with religious people is like taking a head first run at a brick wall. When it's over your head will hurt and the wall won't have noticed you were even there.
Thank you, religion, for fucking up yet another otherwise intelligent person with your poisonous ignorance.
Me (Seeing something about Sarah Palin): God, I can't stand her. I'm so glad they didn't get elected I can't even tell you.
Woman (who is overly religious): Me too. She shouldn't be anywhere near the White House.
Me: I know! She's such an imbecile! She comes off like a total airhead and that "I'm just a regular soccer mom" schtick is such an obvious put on it makes me physically ill.
Woman: Plus she's a woman.
Me: ...what?
Woman: Women shouldn't hold public office especially vice president or president. She should be home taking care of her family.
Me: What!? (Followed by an angry tirade against this completely ignorant and utterly offensive line of thinking.)
Here I have someone, a woman no less, telling me that no woman should be an elected official because she has no right to not be at home being a servant to her family. Actually no, servants get paid. It was her religion telling her this. Her stupid fucking religion. She's married to a worthless piece of shit by the way who she thinks is better than her based solely on the fact that he has, allegedly, a dick.
The pure ignorance of this line of thinking makes my head hurt. It robs me of coherent argument and leaves me red faced and shouting. Of course I already knew that religion poisons minds but when it leaps out at you when you aren't expecting it in ways that raise the bar for offensive stupidity it's like discovering it for the first time all over again.
I don't give a fuck what your magic book says, it's wrong. Not wrong like you like a band I don't and I call you wrong. Wrong like you saying the sky is brown or water is dry or Pi is 7.1972645. Wrong. Not opinion. Fact. You are wrong. For the love of all things how can people still think this way in the 21st century?
Eventually I remembered my rule and ended the back and forth. It's a good rule so I'll share it with you again. Arguing with religious people is like taking a head first run at a brick wall. When it's over your head will hurt and the wall won't have noticed you were even there.
Thank you, religion, for fucking up yet another otherwise intelligent person with your poisonous ignorance.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Funny like puppies with AIDS
Maybe it's me. Maybe I've been explaining it wrong. Maybe in the middle of explaining it I have, unknowingly, started speaking Swahili. Or maybe everyone else is a fucking moron.
Yeah, probably that last one.
OK, once more from the top for everyone who can't seem to understand simple concepts like fire is hot or stabbing yourself in the face with a jagged pointy stone will hurt you. I'll try to speak slowly and not use too many big words.
It's not funny to purposely get on other people's nerves. Not funny. Not. Fucking. Funny. If you do something that you KNOW is going to piss someone off, you're not funny. You're a fucking nimrod who isn't smart enough to have a real sense of humor. You know how I know it's not funny? I used my psychic powers to read the minds of every single person on the entire planet and it was a unanimous vote. Not one of the people on this planet finds it amusing in even the smallest way when someone tries to irritate them. You know why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING IRRITATING THEM YOU MOUTH BREATHING, BRAIN DAMAGED SHIT STAIN!
How the fuck do you not understand this? If you do something that you know I hate or know pushes my buttons why in the name of all things great and small would I find that funny? How fucking ignorant do you have to be to think that I would? What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you retarded? Would you think it was funny if I was doing something you hate to you? No, you wouldn't. Because you fucking hate it! And making the drooling twit standing next to your dumb ass laugh doesn't count. He's clearly as fucking idiotic as you are and if you started pissing him off, he'd stop laughing. Because it's not funny! And when your goal is to piss me off and I get pissed off how the fuck did you not see that coming? Why do you always act surprised? You were trying to piss me off! It worked! Now you want to be upset when I start yelling at you? Do the world a favor and go choke on something.
For fuck's sake, I'm not trying to explain String Theory to you after you've taken a sharp blow to the head. I'm saying things that anyone who doesn't expect a hug and a medal every time they run four steps should fucking know.
Fire hot. Face stab hurts. Pissing people off isn't the same as being funny.
Look, if your arsenal of humor is a stockpile of shit that annoys other people, you aren't funny. Acknowledge it, admit it, embrace it and fucking stop trying to fucking be it. You're. Not. Funny. Get over it and shut the fuck up.
The next one that does it is getting punched in the mouth. That's going to be my version of your kind of humor. How hard do you think you'll be laughing with a broken jaw?
Yeah, probably that last one.
OK, once more from the top for everyone who can't seem to understand simple concepts like fire is hot or stabbing yourself in the face with a jagged pointy stone will hurt you. I'll try to speak slowly and not use too many big words.
It's not funny to purposely get on other people's nerves. Not funny. Not. Fucking. Funny. If you do something that you KNOW is going to piss someone off, you're not funny. You're a fucking nimrod who isn't smart enough to have a real sense of humor. You know how I know it's not funny? I used my psychic powers to read the minds of every single person on the entire planet and it was a unanimous vote. Not one of the people on this planet finds it amusing in even the smallest way when someone tries to irritate them. You know why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING IRRITATING THEM YOU MOUTH BREATHING, BRAIN DAMAGED SHIT STAIN!
How the fuck do you not understand this? If you do something that you know I hate or know pushes my buttons why in the name of all things great and small would I find that funny? How fucking ignorant do you have to be to think that I would? What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you retarded? Would you think it was funny if I was doing something you hate to you? No, you wouldn't. Because you fucking hate it! And making the drooling twit standing next to your dumb ass laugh doesn't count. He's clearly as fucking idiotic as you are and if you started pissing him off, he'd stop laughing. Because it's not funny! And when your goal is to piss me off and I get pissed off how the fuck did you not see that coming? Why do you always act surprised? You were trying to piss me off! It worked! Now you want to be upset when I start yelling at you? Do the world a favor and go choke on something.
For fuck's sake, I'm not trying to explain String Theory to you after you've taken a sharp blow to the head. I'm saying things that anyone who doesn't expect a hug and a medal every time they run four steps should fucking know.
Fire hot. Face stab hurts. Pissing people off isn't the same as being funny.
Look, if your arsenal of humor is a stockpile of shit that annoys other people, you aren't funny. Acknowledge it, admit it, embrace it and fucking stop trying to fucking be it. You're. Not. Funny. Get over it and shut the fuck up.
The next one that does it is getting punched in the mouth. That's going to be my version of your kind of humor. How hard do you think you'll be laughing with a broken jaw?
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Arbor Day gets no respect
So while I was off on Monday (four day work weeks are awesome) I decided to go to get my driver's license stuff straight. I have to renew my tags but I can't until I get a change of address on my license which I can't do online and for free like everyone else (whole other issue) so since I don't sleep anyway and was up at the ass crack of dawn I decided to just go and do it. I grabbed a book figuring to be there for a while even if I was way early and off I went.
I get there a bit before they usually open and I see that there are hardly any cars in the lot. Five or six tops. Sweet, maybe I won't be forever and a day. I park and walk over and what do you know?
They're closed.
What. The. Fuck.
Now I'm pissed off and confused but I get home without killing anyone. Why the hell are they closed? To the interwebnets! Ah. I see. Columbus Day. The only "holiday" that challenges Valentine's Day for dumbest and most pointless. Wow, he got on a ship and sailed for a while and ended up meeting some people that they didn't know were there.
Big fucking deal.
He discovered nothing. He did nothing of note except open the door for the eventual heinous crimes against the natives. Good job. Totally worthy of a holiday. Either way I have yet another reason to hate Columbus Day.
Fucker.
I get there a bit before they usually open and I see that there are hardly any cars in the lot. Five or six tops. Sweet, maybe I won't be forever and a day. I park and walk over and what do you know?
They're closed.
What. The. Fuck.
Now I'm pissed off and confused but I get home without killing anyone. Why the hell are they closed? To the interwebnets! Ah. I see. Columbus Day. The only "holiday" that challenges Valentine's Day for dumbest and most pointless. Wow, he got on a ship and sailed for a while and ended up meeting some people that they didn't know were there.
Big fucking deal.
He discovered nothing. He did nothing of note except open the door for the eventual heinous crimes against the natives. Good job. Totally worthy of a holiday. Either way I have yet another reason to hate Columbus Day.
Fucker.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Misanthrope: mis-ahn-throhp - noun
OK, here's the thing. Maybe I am a little arrogant and maybe I do walk into every room like I'm the best thing in it but you know what? I come by my arrogance honestly and most of the time I AM the best fucking thing in the room. I have it on good authority that I really am as smart as I think I am or close enough that it makes no difference and no, I'm not exactly the type to dumb down for the huddled masses yearning to scrape together a coherent thought so the huddled masses get a little touchy from time to time.
I told you that to tell you this:
It's not my fault that you're a moron. It's not my fault that you aren't as smart as me. It's not my fault that I make you feel inferior. It's your fault. So please, in future, try your best to not to be filled with such mean spirited glee if you happen across some obscure bit of trivia that I am not overflowing with information about or some little nugget of knowledge that I couldn't write an A+ term paper on at a moment's notice. Asking me about things of this nature and then going on and on in a too loud voice about how you've found something that I don't know everything about only points out to anyone with half a brain that you're a fucking ignorant douche with enough insecurities about your own third rate intellect to fill a warehouse. The fact that you were asking me in the first place means that you didn't know and the first person you thought to come to was me.
If your life is so fucking pathetic that you get real joy from finding things that I'm not filled to the brim with information about then please, in all seriousness, go lay down in the street and wait for the solution which should be along directly. Or, as a personal favor to me, shut the fuck up you mouth breathing troglodytes because I'm not just the smartest person in the room, I'm also probably the biggest and the most prone to violence. Step carefully.
And while I'm on the subject of people and their annoying habits, I have a request for the ladies who are dieting. No one wants to fucking hear about your diet that you've been on for the last FOUR FUCKING YEARS that has resulted in you losing and regaining the same 7 1/2 fucking pounds! Here's an idea you fucking whale, next time you're shopping DON'T buy the box of Twinkies and the box of Ding Dongs and the box of Ho Hos and the nine bags of chips and oh why not one more box of Twinkies.
And you on the other side? No one wants you to hover around all day so you can tell us how many fucking points the things that we're eating are worth in your diet. I don't want to hear that my pineapples are worth five whole points with that idiot's smirk on your face because your bag of twigs and pebbles are only worth two. Here's a news flash for you, you're still getting bigger and I'm the only one here losing any weight. No one fucking cares. Shut. The fuck. Up.
Thank you.
I told you that to tell you this:
It's not my fault that you're a moron. It's not my fault that you aren't as smart as me. It's not my fault that I make you feel inferior. It's your fault. So please, in future, try your best to not to be filled with such mean spirited glee if you happen across some obscure bit of trivia that I am not overflowing with information about or some little nugget of knowledge that I couldn't write an A+ term paper on at a moment's notice. Asking me about things of this nature and then going on and on in a too loud voice about how you've found something that I don't know everything about only points out to anyone with half a brain that you're a fucking ignorant douche with enough insecurities about your own third rate intellect to fill a warehouse. The fact that you were asking me in the first place means that you didn't know and the first person you thought to come to was me.
If your life is so fucking pathetic that you get real joy from finding things that I'm not filled to the brim with information about then please, in all seriousness, go lay down in the street and wait for the solution which should be along directly. Or, as a personal favor to me, shut the fuck up you mouth breathing troglodytes because I'm not just the smartest person in the room, I'm also probably the biggest and the most prone to violence. Step carefully.
And while I'm on the subject of people and their annoying habits, I have a request for the ladies who are dieting. No one wants to fucking hear about your diet that you've been on for the last FOUR FUCKING YEARS that has resulted in you losing and regaining the same 7 1/2 fucking pounds! Here's an idea you fucking whale, next time you're shopping DON'T buy the box of Twinkies and the box of Ding Dongs and the box of Ho Hos and the nine bags of chips and oh why not one more box of Twinkies.
And you on the other side? No one wants you to hover around all day so you can tell us how many fucking points the things that we're eating are worth in your diet. I don't want to hear that my pineapples are worth five whole points with that idiot's smirk on your face because your bag of twigs and pebbles are only worth two. Here's a news flash for you, you're still getting bigger and I'm the only one here losing any weight. No one fucking cares. Shut. The fuck. Up.
Thank you.
Monday, February 25, 2008
I don't want to hate. They MAKE me hate.
I warn you in advance that this is going to sound really misogynistic. There's no way around that, sorry.
Heather Mills.
Heather. Fucking. Mills.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
Will someone please explain to me why this miserable gold digging gunch thinks she deserves 150 million dollars from the husband she's trying to divorce? Have I mentioned that her husband is Sir Paul McCartney? That part's important. You see, he was a Beatle. You may have heard of them seeing as they were one of the most important and influential musical acts to ever exist. Ever. Think about that for a minute. It's not something to gloss over. He was one of the driving forces behind one of the most amazing bands ever. The things they did with music are so far over my head that I don't even try to understand them all. He was a Beatle. That fucking means something to most of the civilized world, even those that don't truly understand music or its importance. It's not the kind of thing that happens a lot. It's not like they were some band that was just really good and people liked them. They were a thing of rare beauty and power. The kind of thing that could, and did, change the entire fucking world.
She's just a one legged whore that fucked a Beatle.
Why then does she feel entitled to so much of his money? He offered her 50 million dollars to go away and it wasn't enough for her. You ignorant, loathsome skank, what the fuck have you ever done that warranted a fucking BEATLE giving you even that much let alone three times that much?! Spreading your leg and stump isn't exactly a difficult skill to master. Shit, I'd cut one of my legs right the fuck off for 50 million dollars.
Some of us would be honored to even be able to speak to him, even just to say hello to him and have him reply in kind. Somehow you think that having gone to bed with him makes you deserving of a massive fortune beyond the dreams of the vast majority of the world. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you you worthless, idiotic bitch? It would be cheaper for him to have you killed and no one would think he did anything wrong.
You also complain that now nobody likes you and the press write bad things about you and people say mean things to you. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT YOU FUCKING DISEASE RIDDLED SLIT!?!?! He. Was. A. Beatle! And you're trying to wring money from him in an obvious gold digging cash grab. Are you really so stupid that you thought people would take your side or are you so utterly ignorant that you can't understand who it is that you're treating like shit?
Just thinking about it makes me too furious to think straight. If my hate were an engine a Scottish man would be yelling at me that we can't take much more of this. I'll sum up by saying this:
Fuck you Heather Mills. I hope you die soon and in great pain you contemptible, useless, despicable, vile and shrieking harpy. Do the entire world a favor and go choke on something.
Heather Mills.
Heather. Fucking. Mills.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
Will someone please explain to me why this miserable gold digging gunch thinks she deserves 150 million dollars from the husband she's trying to divorce? Have I mentioned that her husband is Sir Paul McCartney? That part's important. You see, he was a Beatle. You may have heard of them seeing as they were one of the most important and influential musical acts to ever exist. Ever. Think about that for a minute. It's not something to gloss over. He was one of the driving forces behind one of the most amazing bands ever. The things they did with music are so far over my head that I don't even try to understand them all. He was a Beatle. That fucking means something to most of the civilized world, even those that don't truly understand music or its importance. It's not the kind of thing that happens a lot. It's not like they were some band that was just really good and people liked them. They were a thing of rare beauty and power. The kind of thing that could, and did, change the entire fucking world.
She's just a one legged whore that fucked a Beatle.
Why then does she feel entitled to so much of his money? He offered her 50 million dollars to go away and it wasn't enough for her. You ignorant, loathsome skank, what the fuck have you ever done that warranted a fucking BEATLE giving you even that much let alone three times that much?! Spreading your leg and stump isn't exactly a difficult skill to master. Shit, I'd cut one of my legs right the fuck off for 50 million dollars.
Some of us would be honored to even be able to speak to him, even just to say hello to him and have him reply in kind. Somehow you think that having gone to bed with him makes you deserving of a massive fortune beyond the dreams of the vast majority of the world. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you you worthless, idiotic bitch? It would be cheaper for him to have you killed and no one would think he did anything wrong.
You also complain that now nobody likes you and the press write bad things about you and people say mean things to you. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT YOU FUCKING DISEASE RIDDLED SLIT!?!?! He. Was. A. Beatle! And you're trying to wring money from him in an obvious gold digging cash grab. Are you really so stupid that you thought people would take your side or are you so utterly ignorant that you can't understand who it is that you're treating like shit?
Just thinking about it makes me too furious to think straight. If my hate were an engine a Scottish man would be yelling at me that we can't take much more of this. I'll sum up by saying this:
Fuck you Heather Mills. I hope you die soon and in great pain you contemptible, useless, despicable, vile and shrieking harpy. Do the entire world a favor and go choke on something.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Stoking the hate engine
It's no great secret that I hate things. A lot of things. And by hate I don't mean dislike, I mean hate. Dislike has no passion in it. Hatred has quite a lot. One of the things I hate is reviewers. Books, movies, music, doesn't matter. So many professional reviewers are so full of shit and either so ignorant, snobbish or both that they make me want to strangle them so they can never inflict their bullshit on any more innocent fans. The only thing worse than listening to a professional reviewer do their job is listening to, say, a student taking their first high level literature class and then deciding to talk down to you about it like you're some kind of illiterate trog. I imagine these same students grow up to be reviewers. I got to thinking about this today (Taco's fault) and then got to thinking about my most hated reviewer and then got angry so now I'm sharing it with you lot.
Lisa Scharzbaum is her name and getting on my fucking nerves is her game. She writes movie reviews for Entertainment Weekly, a magazine that I enjoy otherwise. She's not always entirely wrong mind you, it's hard to be wrong literally all the time, but she rubs me the wrong way in such an aggressive manner 98% of the time that if I want an excuse to get furious all I have to do is read a review by her and BOOM, instant anger.
Firstly, she always seems to be the one to review the geek movies and she NEVER lets an opportunity slide to let us know that she is not a geek and that she looks down her nose at those of us that are. She tends to begin these reviews by letting us know that she has no knowledge of the source material and then tells us that makes her perfect to do the review because she won't act like a drooling fanboy about it. We're all drooling idiots, y'see. She will then not be able to resist getting through the review without taking shots at the source material which she claims no knowledge of and the writer of that material. She spent most of her review of Sin City telling us why the comics were shit and why Frank Miller is a hack comic book writer and should never ever be confused with Jane Austin and why we all suck for liking it and why the movie sucked because it was made to be like the source material. Apparently if you don't go out of your way to alienate the fans of the original work, you don't deserve to make movies. Even when she raves about the movie like, for example, The Lord of the Rings movies, she still can't resist taking shots at Tolkien fans. What the fuck, man?
She's also one of these women that measure things with large female roles by what they do to advance the cause of feminism. That's fine if that's what the movie is about but to end your review of Juno by saying that there should have been this that and the other about all manner of hard fought battles that took place so that a person like Juno could exist in the first place is just fucking stupid. Perhaps you'd like a personal apology from Diablo Cody (the writer and *gasp* a woman) for not personally thanking you for blazing the trail that allowed her to write a movie. Sorry Lisa, not every woman measures her sense of self worth by her personal contributions toward the advancement of the universal vagina. How about you crawl down out of your own cervix and join us out here in the real world where not everything that includes women has to have a message about girlpowerempowermentvaginayaydownwiththepenis blahblahblah.
Then of course there are the reviews where she just says things so fucking ignorant that my brain forces my eyes to go blurry so that I won't read any more and risk possible brain damage. The review for Lars and the Real Girl, one of my favorites from last year, went on and on about how it was stupid because the town people were enabling him and were acting "bonkers." I'm sorry, were you looking for realism in a movie about a guy who is so emotionally damaged that he starts a relationship with a sex doll that he believes is a real woman? Way to miss the fucking point.
She shouldn't be allowed to review action movies either. She compared the original Matrix (you know, the one that was flat out fucking amazing) unfavorably to Face/Off (you know the American John Woo movie that was exactly what you'd expect an American John Woo movie to be, a John Woo movie with all the cool shit taken out and replaced with boring old shit you've seen a hundred times and an ending so fucking terrible that it makes you wish you'd died before you had to see it.) .
Ugh, I'm going to stop now before this devolves into a novelette. She just pisses me off so bad that I had to get it out.
Lisa Scharzbaum is her name and getting on my fucking nerves is her game. She writes movie reviews for Entertainment Weekly, a magazine that I enjoy otherwise. She's not always entirely wrong mind you, it's hard to be wrong literally all the time, but she rubs me the wrong way in such an aggressive manner 98% of the time that if I want an excuse to get furious all I have to do is read a review by her and BOOM, instant anger.
Firstly, she always seems to be the one to review the geek movies and she NEVER lets an opportunity slide to let us know that she is not a geek and that she looks down her nose at those of us that are. She tends to begin these reviews by letting us know that she has no knowledge of the source material and then tells us that makes her perfect to do the review because she won't act like a drooling fanboy about it. We're all drooling idiots, y'see. She will then not be able to resist getting through the review without taking shots at the source material which she claims no knowledge of and the writer of that material. She spent most of her review of Sin City telling us why the comics were shit and why Frank Miller is a hack comic book writer and should never ever be confused with Jane Austin and why we all suck for liking it and why the movie sucked because it was made to be like the source material. Apparently if you don't go out of your way to alienate the fans of the original work, you don't deserve to make movies. Even when she raves about the movie like, for example, The Lord of the Rings movies, she still can't resist taking shots at Tolkien fans. What the fuck, man?
She's also one of these women that measure things with large female roles by what they do to advance the cause of feminism. That's fine if that's what the movie is about but to end your review of Juno by saying that there should have been this that and the other about all manner of hard fought battles that took place so that a person like Juno could exist in the first place is just fucking stupid. Perhaps you'd like a personal apology from Diablo Cody (the writer and *gasp* a woman) for not personally thanking you for blazing the trail that allowed her to write a movie. Sorry Lisa, not every woman measures her sense of self worth by her personal contributions toward the advancement of the universal vagina. How about you crawl down out of your own cervix and join us out here in the real world where not everything that includes women has to have a message about girlpowerempowermentvaginayaydownwiththepenis blahblahblah.
Then of course there are the reviews where she just says things so fucking ignorant that my brain forces my eyes to go blurry so that I won't read any more and risk possible brain damage. The review for Lars and the Real Girl, one of my favorites from last year, went on and on about how it was stupid because the town people were enabling him and were acting "bonkers." I'm sorry, were you looking for realism in a movie about a guy who is so emotionally damaged that he starts a relationship with a sex doll that he believes is a real woman? Way to miss the fucking point.
She shouldn't be allowed to review action movies either. She compared the original Matrix (you know, the one that was flat out fucking amazing) unfavorably to Face/Off (you know the American John Woo movie that was exactly what you'd expect an American John Woo movie to be, a John Woo movie with all the cool shit taken out and replaced with boring old shit you've seen a hundred times and an ending so fucking terrible that it makes you wish you'd died before you had to see it.) .
Ugh, I'm going to stop now before this devolves into a novelette. She just pisses me off so bad that I had to get it out.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Like it wasn't bad enough already
So the TV writers are on strike again. Great. Looking through the disagreement I think both sides have a legit gripe but come on people, not this again. Some shows I like had to go immediately into reruns (Letterman, The Daily Show) and most shows have a few in the can and a few scripts to work with and then they too will start the reruns. They're already talking about scrapping the entire season of Lost, which I like quite a lot, until 2009 and 24 is likely to follow owing to its premise.
You know what it means if this drags on right? Reality shows. Lots of them. The networks are going to try to keep viewers and the only way to make new shows will be to make new shitty reality shows. I already hate all the old shitty reality shows and am on record numerous times about it. I fucking hate them. Now there are going to be a shit load more and y'know what? The lowest common denominator is going to eat it up and beg for more. In case you didn't know, the lowest common denominator is a LOT of people. It's not like most of these people will shrug and turn off the TV and pick up a book. No, no, they'll tune into whatever nitwittery the networks air just to have the TV on. Barn Raising With the Stars! Extreme Celebrity Fishing! I shouldn't do that lest I give them ideas.
This means that even when the strike ends there will be even less room on the schedule for scripted show than there is now. While you would think that less room would mean more competition which would lead to the cream rising to the top, you'd be wrong. It makes sense to think it but it won't happen. Isn't TV in general dumb enough without this? Do we really need to go out of our way to make it worse?
Look TV people, I realize you're just trying to look out for yourselves whichever side you're on but seriously, you're contributing to the further dumbing down of the country and we can't afford to get much dumber. Make a short term deal and get back to work and hammer something else out as you go. My brain begs you.
You know what it means if this drags on right? Reality shows. Lots of them. The networks are going to try to keep viewers and the only way to make new shows will be to make new shitty reality shows. I already hate all the old shitty reality shows and am on record numerous times about it. I fucking hate them. Now there are going to be a shit load more and y'know what? The lowest common denominator is going to eat it up and beg for more. In case you didn't know, the lowest common denominator is a LOT of people. It's not like most of these people will shrug and turn off the TV and pick up a book. No, no, they'll tune into whatever nitwittery the networks air just to have the TV on. Barn Raising With the Stars! Extreme Celebrity Fishing! I shouldn't do that lest I give them ideas.
This means that even when the strike ends there will be even less room on the schedule for scripted show than there is now. While you would think that less room would mean more competition which would lead to the cream rising to the top, you'd be wrong. It makes sense to think it but it won't happen. Isn't TV in general dumb enough without this? Do we really need to go out of our way to make it worse?
Look TV people, I realize you're just trying to look out for yourselves whichever side you're on but seriously, you're contributing to the further dumbing down of the country and we can't afford to get much dumber. Make a short term deal and get back to work and hammer something else out as you go. My brain begs you.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Game's the same, just got more fierce.
The bigger the awards show, the less relevance it has. Some of you may remember my post about the last Academy Awards and this is worse. Much worse. This is, all by itself, proof that shit just doesn't make any sense in the world of entertainment. I don't watch the Emmy awards but if you do then I kindly ask that you boycott this year.
The Wire was nominated for zero Emmy awards.
Allow me to put that in some kind of context for you. The Wire has, since it began, been one of the most praised and critically hailed shows ever. Ever. I have never heard or seen a bad review of it. I have never heard or seen a merely good review of it. I have ONLY EVER seen over the top great reviews of it. It is regarded, across the board, as one of the best shows to ever be on television and it is held to be the best show on television now by virtually every critic I have read. They make it a point to mention it in their reviews, sometimes multiple times just to make sure you saw it.
This season of The Wire that finished and would be up for consideration, its fourth, was held by all and sundry to be the best season of the show. Think about that. The best season of the best show on TV and one of the best (I've heard some go so far as to say THE best) shows to ever be on TV which makes it one of if not the best season of television to ever be broadcast in this country got nominated for no awards for excellence in television.
What. The. Fuck.
Obviously I love the show and agree with every critic (a rarity to be sure) that there is no better show currently going and that it is very high on the list of best ever. It is that fucking good. Whatever the show you love is that you stop what you're doing to watch, this show is better. No nominations. Not one.
The level of ignorance and stupidity that it takes for this kind of thing to happen makes my head hurt. Support those things that are awesome, people. Somebody damn well has to.
The Wire was nominated for zero Emmy awards.
Allow me to put that in some kind of context for you. The Wire has, since it began, been one of the most praised and critically hailed shows ever. Ever. I have never heard or seen a bad review of it. I have never heard or seen a merely good review of it. I have ONLY EVER seen over the top great reviews of it. It is regarded, across the board, as one of the best shows to ever be on television and it is held to be the best show on television now by virtually every critic I have read. They make it a point to mention it in their reviews, sometimes multiple times just to make sure you saw it.
This season of The Wire that finished and would be up for consideration, its fourth, was held by all and sundry to be the best season of the show. Think about that. The best season of the best show on TV and one of the best (I've heard some go so far as to say THE best) shows to ever be on TV which makes it one of if not the best season of television to ever be broadcast in this country got nominated for no awards for excellence in television.
What. The. Fuck.
Obviously I love the show and agree with every critic (a rarity to be sure) that there is no better show currently going and that it is very high on the list of best ever. It is that fucking good. Whatever the show you love is that you stop what you're doing to watch, this show is better. No nominations. Not one.
The level of ignorance and stupidity that it takes for this kind of thing to happen makes my head hurt. Support those things that are awesome, people. Somebody damn well has to.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
It can't just be me
I don't watch "reality" television. Ever. I know a lot of people say that but then they will turn around and say that they watch it sometimes for a laugh. I mean I actively avoid it like it might infect me some horrific disease (which I half fear it might) that will cause me to be unable to stop watching as much of this garbage as I can find.
*shudder*
It's out of control and I just don't understand the attraction. I can barely get through an entire day without hearing someone talk about one of these piles of excrement and often they try to talk to me about them. Some of the ideas seem like they could be cool but then you hear about it from someone that watches it and it all falls apart.
"Wait, you mean there's a show where they drop people on an island and the last one left wins money?"
"Yeah."
"That's fucking awesome!"
"Yeah, every week someone gets voted off and there are challenges and..."
"Stop. Voted off?"
"Yeah."
"Not killed?"
"What? No!"
"I may never recover from this horrible disappointment."
I mean really people, what is the big deal with this stuff? I don't want to watch a bunch of people sing shitty songs off key and then vote for one of them. I don't want to watch people race, in a very controlled way, from point A to point B. I have no desire to watch D list semifamous people skate, dance, live together or lose weight. It's more entertaining to watch my fingernails grow. What I want is well written, well acted tv shows. Doesn't matter what they're about (Though shows about cops, doctors and/or lawyers are seriously getting on my nerves these days. There are other things on this planet!) so long as they're good. And when they are good, give them a chance to succeed. Arrested Development, Firefly and Studio 60 spring instantly to mind.
It might not be so bad if there weren't so many of them crowding the dial. There seem to be more and more of them and less and less of the scripted shows. Fewer scripted shows means fewer quality scripted shows. And the networks wonder why cable is gaining viewers over them. How many reality shows does HBO air? None that I can think of. How many shows would HBO have on the list if I decided to make one of the best shows of the last ten years? Five or six at least, and that's just in the top ten.
Please, please, please network type people, stop spoon feeding the lowest common denominator at the expense of people that can actually follow a plot. For the love of all that is good and pure stop tormenting me.
*shudder*
It's out of control and I just don't understand the attraction. I can barely get through an entire day without hearing someone talk about one of these piles of excrement and often they try to talk to me about them. Some of the ideas seem like they could be cool but then you hear about it from someone that watches it and it all falls apart.
"Wait, you mean there's a show where they drop people on an island and the last one left wins money?"
"Yeah."
"That's fucking awesome!"
"Yeah, every week someone gets voted off and there are challenges and..."
"Stop. Voted off?"
"Yeah."
"Not killed?"
"What? No!"
"I may never recover from this horrible disappointment."
I mean really people, what is the big deal with this stuff? I don't want to watch a bunch of people sing shitty songs off key and then vote for one of them. I don't want to watch people race, in a very controlled way, from point A to point B. I have no desire to watch D list semifamous people skate, dance, live together or lose weight. It's more entertaining to watch my fingernails grow. What I want is well written, well acted tv shows. Doesn't matter what they're about (Though shows about cops, doctors and/or lawyers are seriously getting on my nerves these days. There are other things on this planet!) so long as they're good. And when they are good, give them a chance to succeed. Arrested Development, Firefly and Studio 60 spring instantly to mind.
It might not be so bad if there weren't so many of them crowding the dial. There seem to be more and more of them and less and less of the scripted shows. Fewer scripted shows means fewer quality scripted shows. And the networks wonder why cable is gaining viewers over them. How many reality shows does HBO air? None that I can think of. How many shows would HBO have on the list if I decided to make one of the best shows of the last ten years? Five or six at least, and that's just in the top ten.
Please, please, please network type people, stop spoon feeding the lowest common denominator at the expense of people that can actually follow a plot. For the love of all that is good and pure stop tormenting me.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Make it stop...
Sweet bleeding Yeshua on a fucking crutch. I just spent over half an hour on the phone with Symantec's customer support for a problem that was a two minute fix. Y'know why? The person that was supposed to be helping me didn't fucking speak English!
For the sake of clarity, I live in the U.S. and was born here so English is my native tongue. When I call a U.S. number to get support for a U.S. product while I am in fact inside the U.S. it is perfectly reasonable to expect the person assigned to help me to be fluent in the same language as me. It's beyond reasonable. It shouldn't ever come up that this is not the case. But no. No. I spent 30 or 40 minutes saying the same shit over and over and over AND OVER again and trying like hell to understand the clicks and whistles that were being shot at me in return. Apparently when I dialed the number I was transferred to the fucking Oort Cloud where operators are indeed standing by.
What. The. Hell.
When it was all over I realized that if we had spoken the same language I would have been in and out of that phone call in under 5 minutes and that's counting the time I waited for the next available Oort Cloudian. It was not to be. Now I have a headache and I can feel my blood pressure reaching critical mass. I'd rather tear off my own leg and use it to kick myself in the balls for an hour than go through that horseshit again.
According to the recording that I heard while I was waiting I might get an email asking me for feedback about my experience. I dare you to send me one. I fucking dare you. I'd call them and ask to speak to someone about it but what the hell good would that do when all the numbers send you to customer service reps that are orbiting Azathoth in the swirling center of chaos.
I fear my head may actually explode this time...
For the sake of clarity, I live in the U.S. and was born here so English is my native tongue. When I call a U.S. number to get support for a U.S. product while I am in fact inside the U.S. it is perfectly reasonable to expect the person assigned to help me to be fluent in the same language as me. It's beyond reasonable. It shouldn't ever come up that this is not the case. But no. No. I spent 30 or 40 minutes saying the same shit over and over and over AND OVER again and trying like hell to understand the clicks and whistles that were being shot at me in return. Apparently when I dialed the number I was transferred to the fucking Oort Cloud where operators are indeed standing by.
What. The. Hell.
When it was all over I realized that if we had spoken the same language I would have been in and out of that phone call in under 5 minutes and that's counting the time I waited for the next available Oort Cloudian. It was not to be. Now I have a headache and I can feel my blood pressure reaching critical mass. I'd rather tear off my own leg and use it to kick myself in the balls for an hour than go through that horseshit again.
According to the recording that I heard while I was waiting I might get an email asking me for feedback about my experience. I dare you to send me one. I fucking dare you. I'd call them and ask to speak to someone about it but what the hell good would that do when all the numbers send you to customer service reps that are orbiting Azathoth in the swirling center of chaos.
I fear my head may actually explode this time...
Sunday, January 28, 2007
It's an honor just to be nominated.
Or so they tell me. So I get my newest issue of Entertainment Weekly and it's their annual Academy Awards Issue. They go into each of the major awards and the nominees and give you all manner of info about them and so on and so on. I read some of it and skipped some of it based on the person or movie that was being talked about but what I didn't do was give half a squirt of piss about the Oscars at all. I don't really feel the Academy Awards can claim to have any sort of relevance anymore, if they ever could have made that claim. Allow me to explain. I promise to limit myself to just my absolute biggest gripes.
1. Rocky wins Best Picture.
I never did understand why everyone seems to love this movie. The depiction of boxing is so wildly unrealistic it borders on being a bad joke and anyone that thinks Stallone is anything other than a terrible actor should never be allowed to watch another movie. But even if you leave everything that is bad about the movie aside, here is a short list of films also released that year that the Academy thought were not as good as Rocky:
Taxi Driver - Clearly the movie that should have won. It's one of the greatest films of all time.
All The President's Men
Network
The Omen
Marathon Man
Hell, even such comedies or "genre flicks" as Murder By Death, Logan's Run, Assault on Precinct 13, The Man Who Fell To Earth, Silver Streak or The Bad News Bears are movies I would watch over Rocky any day.
2. Hitchcock and Scorsese never won for Best Director
How do you have an award specifically to reward great film direction and then never give it to either of the, arguably, best directors ever? The very idea is such complete nonsense that it makes my brain twist. I know that Scorsese can still win but the fact remains that he didn't win, multiple times, when he should have. The fact that Hitchcock never won (the lifetime achievement Oscar does NOT count) is a stain on the Academy that they can never wash off.
3. Around The World In 80 Days wins Best Picture
I figure this thing won because everybody and their mother was in it and everyone that was in it voted for it. It's not a good movie. It is, in fact, a bad movie and shouldn't even have been nominated. A short list of films from 1956 that the Academy thought were not as good as this pile of ick:
The Man Who Knew Too Much
Baby Doll
Giant
The Searchers
The King and I
The Ten Commandments
4. Titanic wins Best Picture
Really? Titanic? What the hell are you people smoking? Ignore for a moment that yes, Kate Winslet is very very good in it and did deserve her nomination for acting (she has been nominated for and won many acting awards so yeah, she's pretty good) and focus on the film itself. It isn't that good. It's average, at best. This got nominated and then won based solely on the fact that it shattered box office records (though it only did that if you don't adjust for inflation. If you adjust for inflation it comes in at #6 behind Gone With the Wind, Star Wars, The Sound of Music, E. T. and The Ten Commandments) and that is a completely idiotic reason to give it the award. Movies from that year that are, apparently, worse than this not very good at all film:
As Good As It Gets - This should have won, hands down.
Good Will Hunting
L. A. Confidential
Amistad
Gattaca
Affliction
Waiting For Guffman
Boogie Nights
And if I stop to think about it probably 10 or 12 more from that year that I'd rather watch instead.
There are plenty more examples of the gross ignorance of the oh so important Academy but these are, for me, the worst. Come Oscar night I say skip the awards and celebrate good cinema by watching some. That's what I'll be doing.
1. Rocky wins Best Picture.
I never did understand why everyone seems to love this movie. The depiction of boxing is so wildly unrealistic it borders on being a bad joke and anyone that thinks Stallone is anything other than a terrible actor should never be allowed to watch another movie. But even if you leave everything that is bad about the movie aside, here is a short list of films also released that year that the Academy thought were not as good as Rocky:
Taxi Driver - Clearly the movie that should have won. It's one of the greatest films of all time.
All The President's Men
Network
The Omen
Marathon Man
Hell, even such comedies or "genre flicks" as Murder By Death, Logan's Run, Assault on Precinct 13, The Man Who Fell To Earth, Silver Streak or The Bad News Bears are movies I would watch over Rocky any day.
2. Hitchcock and Scorsese never won for Best Director
How do you have an award specifically to reward great film direction and then never give it to either of the, arguably, best directors ever? The very idea is such complete nonsense that it makes my brain twist. I know that Scorsese can still win but the fact remains that he didn't win, multiple times, when he should have. The fact that Hitchcock never won (the lifetime achievement Oscar does NOT count) is a stain on the Academy that they can never wash off.
3. Around The World In 80 Days wins Best Picture
I figure this thing won because everybody and their mother was in it and everyone that was in it voted for it. It's not a good movie. It is, in fact, a bad movie and shouldn't even have been nominated. A short list of films from 1956 that the Academy thought were not as good as this pile of ick:
The Man Who Knew Too Much
Baby Doll
Giant
The Searchers
The King and I
The Ten Commandments
4. Titanic wins Best Picture
Really? Titanic? What the hell are you people smoking? Ignore for a moment that yes, Kate Winslet is very very good in it and did deserve her nomination for acting (she has been nominated for and won many acting awards so yeah, she's pretty good) and focus on the film itself. It isn't that good. It's average, at best. This got nominated and then won based solely on the fact that it shattered box office records (though it only did that if you don't adjust for inflation. If you adjust for inflation it comes in at #6 behind Gone With the Wind, Star Wars, The Sound of Music, E. T. and The Ten Commandments) and that is a completely idiotic reason to give it the award. Movies from that year that are, apparently, worse than this not very good at all film:
As Good As It Gets - This should have won, hands down.
Good Will Hunting
L. A. Confidential
Amistad
Gattaca
Affliction
Waiting For Guffman
Boogie Nights
And if I stop to think about it probably 10 or 12 more from that year that I'd rather watch instead.
There are plenty more examples of the gross ignorance of the oh so important Academy but these are, for me, the worst. Come Oscar night I say skip the awards and celebrate good cinema by watching some. That's what I'll be doing.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Still dreaming...
Today is the day set aside to honor Martin Luther King Jr. I still remember when it was announced that Mr. King would be thus honored. I heard a lot of really ignorant things said then and every year I hear them again. Some people think that we have moved away from that kind of thing or have made huge steps in doing so. These people, I am afraid, are deluding themselves. I hear as much hate speech now as I ever did, all you have to do is listen. It hasn't gone away, it's just gotten less bold.
I hear it in the workplace, on the street, in stores, anywhere that people talk. Open your ears and you'll hear it too and it's important that you do hear it because ignoring it or thinking that it doesn't exist is an extremely dangerous thing. Just today I heard, in several places from people that thought they were free from intruding ears, people say things like how wrong it was that "the blacks have a holiday" and how having a day for MLK Jr. "makes the niggers cocky" and "It's not like he fucking did anything important" and how this was just one step in "the niggers taking over." From there it was a short trip for several of these groups going to their other obvious favorite targets of hatred including:
Hispanics, "They're everywhere like fucking roaches" despite the fact that whites remain the majority in this country.
Gays, "We should be allowed to fucking kill them" and "I don't want my kids to see that shit, it's wrong" though apparently subjecting these same kids to rampant bigotry everyday is fine.
Muslims, "They're all a bunch of terrorists" and "We should bomb the entire middle east back to the stone age."
And so on. You get the point I'm sure.
This is the 21st century and this kind of thing is still going strong. I don't know whether to be furious or to curl into a ball and weep. How does this kind of thing still exist? How does a level of pure willful ignorance so enormous manage to keep going? These people are insanely hate filled for the most idiotic reasons and for some reason they are exceedingly proud of their own race/whatever. Here's the thing kids, if you're proud of your race, what you're really proud of is the fact that your parents were smart enough to figure out how to fuck. Congratulations, your mother and father are as smart as dung beetles. Woohoo.
How does a person hate another person because the skin they are wrapped in is a different color or because they have sex with people that the other person isn't attracted to or because they come from a place outside the imaginary line that someone drew around the landmass they live on? When I ask the bigots for clarification they get flustered and either backpedal away from their own bigotry or get defensive and spout even more stupid things that make zero sense.
When a man has this dream in his heart:
"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream today!
I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers."
How can that man and his dream be so hated? How can there still be so much bigotry? How is it that it still exists at all? How can one look at another and hate them for reasons that don't even begin to make sense? I have a dream too. My dream is that one day not too very far in the future, our children or our children's children will look back on this time and be ashamed. Ashamed that their parents or their grandparents had so much ignorance in them. Ashamed that we were unwilling and unable to find joy in our differences and instead found hate.
My dream ends in the same place that Mr. King's does:
"And when this happens, When we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!" Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Y'know what irritates me?
No, not everything...smartass. But some things are exceedingly annoying. I was reading a book review recently and in it the reviewer used an expression that makes me want to slap the stupid out of the person that uses it:
"Transcends the genre"
This is the kind of thing that idiotic snobs with their heads buried up their own asses say to make themselves feel better about enjoying something that is in a genre that they think is beneath them. They do it to make sure everyone knows that they think ill of the genre in question and to try and maintain the appropriate level of smug cockbitery (it's a word now, deal with it) but all they manage to do is look like what they are. Ignorant nitwits.
First off, whatever thing they are talking about doesn't transcend its genre, it's just a good example of its genre. Please look the word transcend up in the dictionary you pack of self fellating gotards. And hey, if you liked it that means that you like the genre in question and should climb down from your own self righteousness before it tips over and crushes you underneath it.
Second, the fact that you feel that you can't enjoy a piece of genre fiction without making excuses means you're a pathetic cretin who should do the world a favor and never interact with other carbon based life forms. The rest of us would appreciate not having to listen to your inane babbling anymore.
I don't want to sound all angry man ranting over here, I really don't, but along with the classics of literature and film I very much enjoy genre stuff and I despise the ever present tone of being talked down to for doing so. I like to remind these brain dead mouth breathers that things like 1984 or The Trial or Brave New World are science fiction and A Midsummer Night's Dream is pure fantasy at its finest or that Poe was a horror writer or maybe ask them how they can say they dislike genre stuff while claiming that It's A Wonferful Life is their favorite movie or that Hitchcock is their favorite director. Then I walk away while they say stupid things that I have no interest in hearing.
In short, I urge all people that engage in this type of snob behavior to either go jump off a tall building or just get over yourself. Either, or. Snob's choice.
"Transcends the genre"
This is the kind of thing that idiotic snobs with their heads buried up their own asses say to make themselves feel better about enjoying something that is in a genre that they think is beneath them. They do it to make sure everyone knows that they think ill of the genre in question and to try and maintain the appropriate level of smug cockbitery (it's a word now, deal with it) but all they manage to do is look like what they are. Ignorant nitwits.
First off, whatever thing they are talking about doesn't transcend its genre, it's just a good example of its genre. Please look the word transcend up in the dictionary you pack of self fellating gotards. And hey, if you liked it that means that you like the genre in question and should climb down from your own self righteousness before it tips over and crushes you underneath it.
Second, the fact that you feel that you can't enjoy a piece of genre fiction without making excuses means you're a pathetic cretin who should do the world a favor and never interact with other carbon based life forms. The rest of us would appreciate not having to listen to your inane babbling anymore.
I don't want to sound all angry man ranting over here, I really don't, but along with the classics of literature and film I very much enjoy genre stuff and I despise the ever present tone of being talked down to for doing so. I like to remind these brain dead mouth breathers that things like 1984 or The Trial or Brave New World are science fiction and A Midsummer Night's Dream is pure fantasy at its finest or that Poe was a horror writer or maybe ask them how they can say they dislike genre stuff while claiming that It's A Wonferful Life is their favorite movie or that Hitchcock is their favorite director. Then I walk away while they say stupid things that I have no interest in hearing.
In short, I urge all people that engage in this type of snob behavior to either go jump off a tall building or just get over yourself. Either, or. Snob's choice.
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