I wish my brain had a mouth so it could actually vomit once in a while.
Popcorn flavored jelly beans are fucking gross. Seriously. You'd think it'd be great. Jelly beans! Yay! Popcorn! Yay! Then you chew the jelly bean and it tastes. Like. Popcorn. So nasty.
OK stop reading and go get a dictionary. I'll wait. OK, now look up the word decimate. Got it? Read it. Twice. Done? Great. Now stop fucking misusing it you nerve wracking bastards!
Fuck Michigan.
Do dropped text messages go to the same place that odd socks and lost pens go? Maybe it's more compartmentalized. Divisions of labor and whatnot. They all go to the main area together and then get divided up and stored individually. Either way, can I get all my shit back? Please?
So I was reading the paper as is my wont (because I'm not miserable enough obviously) and I come across an article about, wait for it, competitive yoga. Think about that. Competitive yoga. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm more enlightened than you! Eat it bitch! What's next, competitive Judaism? Shalom, motherfucker!
Do amputees get drunk faster than normal folk?
Nascar. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Two things that do not go well together: Toothpaste and orange juice. Make a note.
Y'know what would be awesome? If Rob Zombie wrote a biography of Pee Wee Herman.
Rock me sexy Jesus.
I've been listening to a lot of Pink Floyd and Judas Priest lately. A lot. Now I can't decide whether to dress in leather head to toe and ponder my own sanity or sodomize my inner child. Tough call.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Just like the Pilgrims!
So tomorrow is Thanksgiving which is, I'm told, not just for huge turkey dinners and football. Doesn't sound right to me but I'll go with it for now. So in the spirit of the holiday I will put aside my usual angry ranting and share some positivity with you.
So far this year I have been thankful for:
Books that set the mind on fire.
Movies that demand you watch them over and over.
Music that can never be loud enough.
Comic books good enough to be given in college English courses.
Every lunatic (re: all of you) at the Preserve. I have extra holiday Poje for you all.
Boobs so big they make every shirt look tight. Truly thou art blessed and thanks for sharing.
Stick nun porn and long distance sauce Not It.
The wonderful bead man, Artie C, that protects me while I sleep.
Shotgun Sodomy DVDs.
Pictures of nuns in skintight rubber.
Godzilla.
Football. Football. Football.
HDTV.
Football on HDTV.
Laughing so hard it hurts your ribs.
The Daily Beast.
Lolcats.
xkcd
Ricky Gervais.
The insane fun of the Wii.
Yuengling.
Joss Whedon.
The end of Dubya's reign of stupidity being in sight at last.
Hot girl on girl action.
The four day work week. YAY!
Stale peanut butter fudge.
The divine Ray Lewis.
Chicks that know as much about sports as I do. It's fucking hot.
And obviously my family and friends.
Even though I tend to hate life and most of the things in it I can still find things to be thankful for. Weird, right? I know. Anyway for those of you that fill me with the warm fuzzies, I'm thankful for you. So thanks.
So far this year I have been thankful for:
Books that set the mind on fire.
Movies that demand you watch them over and over.
Music that can never be loud enough.
Comic books good enough to be given in college English courses.
Every lunatic (re: all of you) at the Preserve. I have extra holiday Poje for you all.
Boobs so big they make every shirt look tight. Truly thou art blessed and thanks for sharing.
Stick nun porn and long distance sauce Not It.
The wonderful bead man, Artie C, that protects me while I sleep.
Shotgun Sodomy DVDs.
Pictures of nuns in skintight rubber.
Godzilla.
Football. Football. Football.
HDTV.
Football on HDTV.
Laughing so hard it hurts your ribs.
The Daily Beast.
Lolcats.
xkcd
Ricky Gervais.
The insane fun of the Wii.
Yuengling.
Joss Whedon.
The end of Dubya's reign of stupidity being in sight at last.
Hot girl on girl action.
The four day work week. YAY!
Stale peanut butter fudge.
The divine Ray Lewis.
Chicks that know as much about sports as I do. It's fucking hot.
And obviously my family and friends.
Even though I tend to hate life and most of the things in it I can still find things to be thankful for. Weird, right? I know. Anyway for those of you that fill me with the warm fuzzies, I'm thankful for you. So thanks.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I have one too and it's not all that special
I'd like to share a conversation I was involved in with you, mostly so I can share my pain. Please read to the end as it doesn't go where you think it's going to go.
Me (Seeing something about Sarah Palin): God, I can't stand her. I'm so glad they didn't get elected I can't even tell you.
Woman (who is overly religious): Me too. She shouldn't be anywhere near the White House.
Me: I know! She's such an imbecile! She comes off like a total airhead and that "I'm just a regular soccer mom" schtick is such an obvious put on it makes me physically ill.
Woman: Plus she's a woman.
Me: ...what?
Woman: Women shouldn't hold public office especially vice president or president. She should be home taking care of her family.
Me: What!? (Followed by an angry tirade against this completely ignorant and utterly offensive line of thinking.)
Here I have someone, a woman no less, telling me that no woman should be an elected official because she has no right to not be at home being a servant to her family. Actually no, servants get paid. It was her religion telling her this. Her stupid fucking religion. She's married to a worthless piece of shit by the way who she thinks is better than her based solely on the fact that he has, allegedly, a dick.
The pure ignorance of this line of thinking makes my head hurt. It robs me of coherent argument and leaves me red faced and shouting. Of course I already knew that religion poisons minds but when it leaps out at you when you aren't expecting it in ways that raise the bar for offensive stupidity it's like discovering it for the first time all over again.
I don't give a fuck what your magic book says, it's wrong. Not wrong like you like a band I don't and I call you wrong. Wrong like you saying the sky is brown or water is dry or Pi is 7.1972645. Wrong. Not opinion. Fact. You are wrong. For the love of all things how can people still think this way in the 21st century?
Eventually I remembered my rule and ended the back and forth. It's a good rule so I'll share it with you again. Arguing with religious people is like taking a head first run at a brick wall. When it's over your head will hurt and the wall won't have noticed you were even there.
Thank you, religion, for fucking up yet another otherwise intelligent person with your poisonous ignorance.
Me (Seeing something about Sarah Palin): God, I can't stand her. I'm so glad they didn't get elected I can't even tell you.
Woman (who is overly religious): Me too. She shouldn't be anywhere near the White House.
Me: I know! She's such an imbecile! She comes off like a total airhead and that "I'm just a regular soccer mom" schtick is such an obvious put on it makes me physically ill.
Woman: Plus she's a woman.
Me: ...what?
Woman: Women shouldn't hold public office especially vice president or president. She should be home taking care of her family.
Me: What!? (Followed by an angry tirade against this completely ignorant and utterly offensive line of thinking.)
Here I have someone, a woman no less, telling me that no woman should be an elected official because she has no right to not be at home being a servant to her family. Actually no, servants get paid. It was her religion telling her this. Her stupid fucking religion. She's married to a worthless piece of shit by the way who she thinks is better than her based solely on the fact that he has, allegedly, a dick.
The pure ignorance of this line of thinking makes my head hurt. It robs me of coherent argument and leaves me red faced and shouting. Of course I already knew that religion poisons minds but when it leaps out at you when you aren't expecting it in ways that raise the bar for offensive stupidity it's like discovering it for the first time all over again.
I don't give a fuck what your magic book says, it's wrong. Not wrong like you like a band I don't and I call you wrong. Wrong like you saying the sky is brown or water is dry or Pi is 7.1972645. Wrong. Not opinion. Fact. You are wrong. For the love of all things how can people still think this way in the 21st century?
Eventually I remembered my rule and ended the back and forth. It's a good rule so I'll share it with you again. Arguing with religious people is like taking a head first run at a brick wall. When it's over your head will hurt and the wall won't have noticed you were even there.
Thank you, religion, for fucking up yet another otherwise intelligent person with your poisonous ignorance.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
An open letter
Dear America,
To say we don't always get along would be understating it. I mostly find that we don't see eye to eye on, well, damn near everything. As a rule I have little to no respect for the majority of you and I make no bones about it and never try to hide it. I find you small, closed minded, willfully ignorant and painfully self involved.
But sometimes you surprise me. Sometimes you reach way down deep and pull something out that makes me think there's hope for you yet. And never let it be said that I'm too high and mighty to say so when it happens. It happened tonight. At 11:00 PM Eastern time I heard it announced that you had called out for the same change that I so desperately wanted. The same change that I could barely hope I would see.
Sometimes you do right by me and I'm not above saying thank you. So America, with complete sincerity and from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You bought yourself some respect from me and that's not easy to come by. Try not to waste it.
Yours,
-S
To say we don't always get along would be understating it. I mostly find that we don't see eye to eye on, well, damn near everything. As a rule I have little to no respect for the majority of you and I make no bones about it and never try to hide it. I find you small, closed minded, willfully ignorant and painfully self involved.
But sometimes you surprise me. Sometimes you reach way down deep and pull something out that makes me think there's hope for you yet. And never let it be said that I'm too high and mighty to say so when it happens. It happened tonight. At 11:00 PM Eastern time I heard it announced that you had called out for the same change that I so desperately wanted. The same change that I could barely hope I would see.
Sometimes you do right by me and I'm not above saying thank you. So America, with complete sincerity and from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You bought yourself some respect from me and that's not easy to come by. Try not to waste it.
Yours,
-S
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Funny like puppies with AIDS
Maybe it's me. Maybe I've been explaining it wrong. Maybe in the middle of explaining it I have, unknowingly, started speaking Swahili. Or maybe everyone else is a fucking moron.
Yeah, probably that last one.
OK, once more from the top for everyone who can't seem to understand simple concepts like fire is hot or stabbing yourself in the face with a jagged pointy stone will hurt you. I'll try to speak slowly and not use too many big words.
It's not funny to purposely get on other people's nerves. Not funny. Not. Fucking. Funny. If you do something that you KNOW is going to piss someone off, you're not funny. You're a fucking nimrod who isn't smart enough to have a real sense of humor. You know how I know it's not funny? I used my psychic powers to read the minds of every single person on the entire planet and it was a unanimous vote. Not one of the people on this planet finds it amusing in even the smallest way when someone tries to irritate them. You know why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING IRRITATING THEM YOU MOUTH BREATHING, BRAIN DAMAGED SHIT STAIN!
How the fuck do you not understand this? If you do something that you know I hate or know pushes my buttons why in the name of all things great and small would I find that funny? How fucking ignorant do you have to be to think that I would? What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you retarded? Would you think it was funny if I was doing something you hate to you? No, you wouldn't. Because you fucking hate it! And making the drooling twit standing next to your dumb ass laugh doesn't count. He's clearly as fucking idiotic as you are and if you started pissing him off, he'd stop laughing. Because it's not funny! And when your goal is to piss me off and I get pissed off how the fuck did you not see that coming? Why do you always act surprised? You were trying to piss me off! It worked! Now you want to be upset when I start yelling at you? Do the world a favor and go choke on something.
For fuck's sake, I'm not trying to explain String Theory to you after you've taken a sharp blow to the head. I'm saying things that anyone who doesn't expect a hug and a medal every time they run four steps should fucking know.
Fire hot. Face stab hurts. Pissing people off isn't the same as being funny.
Look, if your arsenal of humor is a stockpile of shit that annoys other people, you aren't funny. Acknowledge it, admit it, embrace it and fucking stop trying to fucking be it. You're. Not. Funny. Get over it and shut the fuck up.
The next one that does it is getting punched in the mouth. That's going to be my version of your kind of humor. How hard do you think you'll be laughing with a broken jaw?
Yeah, probably that last one.
OK, once more from the top for everyone who can't seem to understand simple concepts like fire is hot or stabbing yourself in the face with a jagged pointy stone will hurt you. I'll try to speak slowly and not use too many big words.
It's not funny to purposely get on other people's nerves. Not funny. Not. Fucking. Funny. If you do something that you KNOW is going to piss someone off, you're not funny. You're a fucking nimrod who isn't smart enough to have a real sense of humor. You know how I know it's not funny? I used my psychic powers to read the minds of every single person on the entire planet and it was a unanimous vote. Not one of the people on this planet finds it amusing in even the smallest way when someone tries to irritate them. You know why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING IRRITATING THEM YOU MOUTH BREATHING, BRAIN DAMAGED SHIT STAIN!
How the fuck do you not understand this? If you do something that you know I hate or know pushes my buttons why in the name of all things great and small would I find that funny? How fucking ignorant do you have to be to think that I would? What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you retarded? Would you think it was funny if I was doing something you hate to you? No, you wouldn't. Because you fucking hate it! And making the drooling twit standing next to your dumb ass laugh doesn't count. He's clearly as fucking idiotic as you are and if you started pissing him off, he'd stop laughing. Because it's not funny! And when your goal is to piss me off and I get pissed off how the fuck did you not see that coming? Why do you always act surprised? You were trying to piss me off! It worked! Now you want to be upset when I start yelling at you? Do the world a favor and go choke on something.
For fuck's sake, I'm not trying to explain String Theory to you after you've taken a sharp blow to the head. I'm saying things that anyone who doesn't expect a hug and a medal every time they run four steps should fucking know.
Fire hot. Face stab hurts. Pissing people off isn't the same as being funny.
Look, if your arsenal of humor is a stockpile of shit that annoys other people, you aren't funny. Acknowledge it, admit it, embrace it and fucking stop trying to fucking be it. You're. Not. Funny. Get over it and shut the fuck up.
The next one that does it is getting punched in the mouth. That's going to be my version of your kind of humor. How hard do you think you'll be laughing with a broken jaw?
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Arbor Day gets no respect
So while I was off on Monday (four day work weeks are awesome) I decided to go to get my driver's license stuff straight. I have to renew my tags but I can't until I get a change of address on my license which I can't do online and for free like everyone else (whole other issue) so since I don't sleep anyway and was up at the ass crack of dawn I decided to just go and do it. I grabbed a book figuring to be there for a while even if I was way early and off I went.
I get there a bit before they usually open and I see that there are hardly any cars in the lot. Five or six tops. Sweet, maybe I won't be forever and a day. I park and walk over and what do you know?
They're closed.
What. The. Fuck.
Now I'm pissed off and confused but I get home without killing anyone. Why the hell are they closed? To the interwebnets! Ah. I see. Columbus Day. The only "holiday" that challenges Valentine's Day for dumbest and most pointless. Wow, he got on a ship and sailed for a while and ended up meeting some people that they didn't know were there.
Big fucking deal.
He discovered nothing. He did nothing of note except open the door for the eventual heinous crimes against the natives. Good job. Totally worthy of a holiday. Either way I have yet another reason to hate Columbus Day.
Fucker.
I get there a bit before they usually open and I see that there are hardly any cars in the lot. Five or six tops. Sweet, maybe I won't be forever and a day. I park and walk over and what do you know?
They're closed.
What. The. Fuck.
Now I'm pissed off and confused but I get home without killing anyone. Why the hell are they closed? To the interwebnets! Ah. I see. Columbus Day. The only "holiday" that challenges Valentine's Day for dumbest and most pointless. Wow, he got on a ship and sailed for a while and ended up meeting some people that they didn't know were there.
Big fucking deal.
He discovered nothing. He did nothing of note except open the door for the eventual heinous crimes against the natives. Good job. Totally worthy of a holiday. Either way I have yet another reason to hate Columbus Day.
Fucker.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Like the Coelacanth only rarer
I have found a thing so rare that I believed that it might be only a myth or if it did exist that it was a thing long since extinct. I fear you may not believe me because of the seeming outlandish nature of my claim but I swear it's true. Every word.
I can still hardly credit it but I found...good customer service.
Wait! Don't walk away! It's true! Good customer service exists! I've experienced it and been changed by it. It was almost a religious experience.
I ordered some stuff from Amazon and they send the email telling you your package has shipped. Always very exciting. I make full use of their Track Your Package option. I love that thing. It's addicting and hypnotic. Anyway, according to their site the package was delivered yet I didn't have it. I called the post office and they tell me they don't have it and have no record of it.
Not good.
I go to Amazon's site looking for a phone number hoping against hope that I could talk to an actual human being and get some help. Silly, I know. Anyway, I found an option that said to click here to have Amazon call you now. What the hell. I type in my number and click.
My phone begins to ring immediately. Immediately.
I answer and hear a voice say please hold while we connect you with a representative. Seconds later an actual live human picks up the line and asks how he can help. I of course suspect a trick right away but I explain the problem. He checks my info and looks up the package. Within a couple of minutes he apologizes to me for my inconvenience and puts in the order again to be shipped free of charge. I didn't even get to the part where I yell and say really mean things. I didn't even get to raise my voice a little bit.
The replacement box was against my door when I got home from work. The receipt showed a charge of $0. My entire belief system was shaken down to the core. I had a problem, contacted the source and had the problem instantly corrected without argument.
Good customer service. It's real. I've seen it.
I can still hardly credit it but I found...good customer service.
Wait! Don't walk away! It's true! Good customer service exists! I've experienced it and been changed by it. It was almost a religious experience.
I ordered some stuff from Amazon and they send the email telling you your package has shipped. Always very exciting. I make full use of their Track Your Package option. I love that thing. It's addicting and hypnotic. Anyway, according to their site the package was delivered yet I didn't have it. I called the post office and they tell me they don't have it and have no record of it.
Not good.
I go to Amazon's site looking for a phone number hoping against hope that I could talk to an actual human being and get some help. Silly, I know. Anyway, I found an option that said to click here to have Amazon call you now. What the hell. I type in my number and click.
My phone begins to ring immediately. Immediately.
I answer and hear a voice say please hold while we connect you with a representative. Seconds later an actual live human picks up the line and asks how he can help. I of course suspect a trick right away but I explain the problem. He checks my info and looks up the package. Within a couple of minutes he apologizes to me for my inconvenience and puts in the order again to be shipped free of charge. I didn't even get to the part where I yell and say really mean things. I didn't even get to raise my voice a little bit.
The replacement box was against my door when I got home from work. The receipt showed a charge of $0. My entire belief system was shaken down to the core. I had a problem, contacted the source and had the problem instantly corrected without argument.
Good customer service. It's real. I've seen it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)