Five Things, Next on Cinemax Late Night

So I'm talking to Blue about Kev's junk and that got me thinking about, well, Kev's junk, but after that I started thinking about other junk related activities which has led us here. With assurances that all of these are things I genuinely want to do, I give you:

Five unfulfilled sexual fantasies

1. I want to have sex with a nun. A lot. Most of you already know this by now I think but some of you might think it's a joke. It's not. When I see a nun my heart beats faster, my hands itch, my breathing gets rapid and shallow, my mouth starts to water and I ache to get involved in a situation with her that ends with me saying, "No, leave the habit on."

Mother Theresa looked like an old peanut but I would've hit that like Samson swingin' a jawbone. I want to make a woman cheat. On God. With me.

2. Just once I'd really love to reach climax and, instead of OH GOD! or YES! or OH GOD YES! or some variation of yeses and calling out to higher powers or some complimentary thing about the other person, yell out as loud as I can, "GET OUT!!!!" then go straight to the bathroom, come back out and say, "Why are you still here? I asked you to leave."

No matter what happens after that it will be comedy gold.

3. I want to have sex with someone outrageously good looking. Now, I've been with pretty girls and once or twice even someone I would go so far as to call beautiful but I mean something beyond that. Crazy good looking. Monica Bellucci level, oh shit what do I do now, I'm actually frightened of this woman she is so fucking gorgeous, good looking.

I'm not sure exactly what the appeal of it is besides the obvious but I know there's a deeper thing going on there. I assume I'll figure it out when it happens.

4. I'd really love to split myself into 2 people and have sex with myself. I know what I like and what I don't. I know where all the good stuff is. I know how much pain is just the right amount of pain. Plus I'm pretty sure I could put me through a wall without any permanent damage and that's not something that you can do with just anyone.

Think about it. It's pretty hot.

5. I'd like to get involved in dirty talk that devolves into trash talk. Lots of people like the dirty talk and that's fine and dandy. Some people like it mild with just the barest hint of dirt and some like it so filthy that it makes the devil weep.

What I want is for it to go a little to the left and come out in a place of awesomeness. A place where, "Do you like that (insert dirty name)?" turns into, "Is that all you got!? You got nothin'!!" Where a demand for harder or faster turns into, "BRING IT, BITCH!!"

Ah what a wonderful place that would be.

Five Things: The Musical

Since no one else liked my musings about lube (even though I stand by the FACT that that shit was funny) I will now punish you all with a new list. A recent post on Tim's blog got me thinking about music and how much I love it and that thought went hither and yon until it settled on side projects and supergroups and how lots of them suck but some are shamefully under appreciated. Without further ado I give you:

Five musical side projects/supergroups that I love.

1. Down

Down is a band made up from members of Pantera, Corrosion of Conformity and Crowbar. I first heard about them when a friend of mine bought their first album, NOLA, and put it on. I got a confused look on my face and said, "When did Pantera put out a new album and why does it sound so different yet awesome?" He laughed at my ignorance and explained and I made all due haste to purchase it. Quite a lot of haste was due.

The main draw for me was Phil Anselmo from Pantera on vocals and Pepper Keenan from C.O.C. on guitar. This band is way more than the sum of its parts. They've released three albums so far with all being somewhat different yet all be at least above average with my favorite still being NOLA, their first.

2. A Perfect Circle

Now, you all know that I love Tool more than is absolutely healthy and when I heard that MJK was doing a side project with Billy Howerdel I about fell out of my chair. I had high hopes but in the back of my mind I was concerned because how often is this kind of thing really good? Needless concern.

Mer de Noms was released and holy shit. It was light years ahead of a shitload of other people's main bands. Are you sure this is a side project? That album was shit hot and only got better as I listened to it more. Totally different vibe than Tool yet it still has more than a touch of MAYNARD (Judith for prime example) and it remains one of my favorite albums. Obviously Howerdel was deeply involved in the project and is quite talented but the main draw for me was always Maynard. Something about that voice cuts right into my brain.

APC released two studio albums and one album of covers full of songs about peace and war. All are good but Mer de Noms is a classic as far as I'm concerned.

3. Mad Season

This is a group that was formed in the 90's from members of Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam and Screaming Trees. There used to be a really good alternative station here at that time and they started playing a song called River of Deceit and I thought wait a minute, that's Layne Staley. Damn right it was. There is NO mistaking that absolutely amazing voice for anyone else's. I am a massive AiC fan and I think Staley is one of the most under appreciated musical talents of all time. Kurt Cobain gets the hype that Staley actually deserves. He was the main attraction for me and is more than worth the price of admission.

Mad Season released only one album called Above. It's probably better than the last thing you listened to.

4. Infectious Grooves

This band was originally formed with members of Suicidal Tendencies, Excel and Jane's Addiction. It was 1991 and a friend of mine runs in with a tape and slams it in and hits play. "Listen to this shit," said he.
"Is that Mike Muir?" I asked.
"Fuckin' right it is. Just wait, it gets better."

Mike Muir is the front man for Suicidal Tendencies which is, I hope at least some of you know, one of the best bands ever. Whichever "version" of SI people prefer (I like them through all the punk/crossover/thrash/metal/whatever-style-they-cared-to-do-for-whatever -album-it's-all-good) most people can find something to love. Anyway, Muir formed this band and it was pure funk metal. Think back to when the Red Hot Chili Peppers were actually good (you do realize they stopped being good in the very early 90's right?) and add even more funk with a harder edge and sometimes lots of humor. That's Infectious Grooves.

The main draw was Muir of course and they have released four albums so far. My favorite is probably Sarsippius' Ark.

5. Mike Patton

Before you can nay say this one let me remind you that virtually everything Patton has done has been on the side of something else so I think it counts. This guy is flat out fucking brilliant. He's been involved in more projects than even he can remember and he continues to churn out quality music that is almost impossible to categorize without using a ridiculous amount of labels.

I first heard him when he took over the singing duties for Faith No More for their album The Real Thing. I was instantly hooked. This album is pure genius. If you don't like it then I'm sorry but that's a deal breaker and we can't be friends anymore. Seriously. After that came his second album with them, Angel Dust. More experimental but no less grabtacular and is perhaps the single most under appreciated album ever.

He has also released music as part of or driving force behind Mr. Bungle, Tomahawk, Fantomas, Lovage and Peeping Tom among many many many others. Seriously he's insanely prolific. The only thing he's done that I didn't care for was when he got into that whole Japanese noise thing. I don't care for it in and of itself and even the best of it would still be something I didn't like so it wasn't his fault.

My favorite of his stuff is easily the two FNM albums I already mentioned plus his latest project which was Peeping Tom.

Once again you all have homework assignments assuming you don't already know and love all of these things. If you do already know and love all of these things then prepare yourself for sex because it's about to get rough in here.

Five Things IV: The Revenge

It occurs to me that I like things. A lot of things. Sometimes when I'm filled with the desire to punish myself I'll try to talk to people about some of the things I like. Turns out that even when people like things that are awesome (everything I like is automatically awesome based on the fact that I like it) they are still morons. Is it enough that they like awesome things? No, no it is not. I give you:

Five things I like that I hate the other fans of

1. Tool. We've talked about Tool before and you know that of all the bands actively making music today they are my favorite. Their other fans are mostly annoying idiots. To say nothing of the usual shit you have to hear after the release of each new album, IE, that they've started to suck (this is not, of course, unique to Tool as it happens to every band ever) which is annoying but not as annoying as those that continue being fans.

They completely miss the point which is impressive because there tend to be several points and they tend to be pretty fucking big. I don't even know that much about musical theory but I know that Tool does and that they push boundaries on virtually every song. Each member is highly skilled, particularly the drummer who is on a whole other level and the singer wields his voice like an instrument. A lot of singers claim to do this but very few actually do. Their disregard for conventional songwriting and the ridiculous amount of layers to the songs and hot damn is this shit amazing.

Then you hear someone talk about them and it's idiotic nitwittery at its finest. No appreciation for any of the subtle work involved, no understanding of the lyrics. Nothing. At the other end of the spectrum are the freaks that will tell you that they astral project and meet Adam Jones in the astral plane where they make sweet monkey love for days at a time.

I'm sorry, what? OK you twits, do less drugs. Ugh, I fucking hate them all.

2. Neil Gaiman. I've been a Gaiman fan since way back when he took over Miracleman from Alan Moore (this series is easily one of the best ever, bar none) and I've been hooked ever since. Black Orchid, Sandman, Books of Magic, the short stories and the novels and oh my is this guy the best story teller of this generation? He just might be.

I've run into other fans from time to time but when he came to a local convention and did some panels and signings I got to see lots of his fans right up close. It's not pretty. They tend to be one of two types, either a drooling Sandman fan or a drooling American Gods fan. Emphasis on the drool. The Sandman fan can also be a Death fan complete with an outfit to match and bad hair dye and eye makeup and both types will go on and on about their chosen obsession and after listening to them for several minutes you realize they haven't actually said anything.

It's like they try to make the rest of us look bad.

There he was sitting on the stage and being charmingly British and they asked a bunch of insipid questions and the rest of the crowd was hanging onto each word because it was the same question they were going to ask. Refer back to people missing the point by a country mile. If you get into a discussion about the influences of different Sandman story lines or his obviously large knowledge of myth and folklore that displays itself in his prose writing you get blank looks from these people. I don't want to hate, they MAKE me hate.

3. Fight Club. Now I enjoyed both the book and the film but unfortunately so did a bunch of other people. Mostly middle class white kids that didn't understand either book or movie and then thought that being fans of one or the other made them transform into tough guys. Sorry suburban white kid, you're still a fucking douche that couldn't win a real fight if the other guy was tied down.

For years I was subjected to hearing these idiots quoting Tyler Durden and puffing out their chests and if you ever actually ask one of them if they realize that the story isn't really about Tyler Durden at all you'll get nothing but blank or confused looks. I wanted to punch every one of them that I came in contact with so bad that thinking about it made my pant covered area tingle.

No offense white folks but most of you are seriously, SERIOUSLY fucking irritating.

4. Literature. When I say literature I mean the kind of books you have to read in school. You know the stuff, gets its own section in most book stores so it doesn't have to rub elbows with regular or, God forbid, genre fiction. The other people that like this tend to fall into one of several categories and all of them are annoying on a level that makes me itch for violence.

There are the people that read it but don't understand it yet act as though they do and are vastly more superior than other people. These are easy to spot because they can't actually have a conversation about literature but they'll still attempt to look down their noses at you after you've discovered that they are brain dead.

Then you have the type that will only read literature and would never dare stoop to reading anything else. These are the bulk of them from what I've seen and if one of them accidentally reads something else and it turns out to be good then they all adopt the writer as one of their own but will still be snooty about the way that they "slum" in the wretched ghetto of genre fiction. Ray Bradbury is one example of this.

The thing about both of these groups is that a lot of them will only read the most famous stuff and disregard the rest. For example they will read Orwell's 1984 and Animal Farm but not The Clergyman's Daughter or his essays or they will read Heller's Catch-22 but none of his other books. This makes zero sense to me and I can never get a good explanation out of any of them. If you say that Writer A is great and that their Book A is great then why wouldn't you actively seek out their other work? How far up your own ass is your head buried? Can you actually taste your own esophagus yet? It doesn't make any damn sense!

5. Oxygen. Everywhere I go I see herds of useless people sucking up all the oxygen. Do they appreciate it on the level that I do? No. But there they go, using it all up and continuing on with their lives.

Fuckers.

Five Things III: The Curse of Five Things

High up in our royal tower we have heard your cries. "Tell us more things," you said. "Five more things to be precise." We have heard you and we humbly submit to the will of the people. We give you:

Five things you may or may not know about me

1. I have a little OCD. This, to the uninitiated, is obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't have the full on walk around all day with rubber gloves on, takes me an hour to get out of bed because I have to time my right foot to hit the ground as the second hand on the clock hits 12 while blinking, exhaling and feeling my heart beat in my left fingertips or I have to start all over. It's mostly either amusing or annoying with the occasional foray into "What the hell?"

The volume of the radio in my vehicle has to be set on an even number or a number divisible by five. I have stopped the car and made people get out because they couldn't understand that no, I don't think it's fucking funny when you turn the knob to 13.

Right shoe first, left shoe second. No exceptions.

For the most part my food can't be allowed to touch. When I see people just pile food on top of food on a plate that shit drives me crazy. It is not uncommon for me to need several plates to eat dinner. Not because I eat that much but because I need that much open space to make sure there's no suspicious activity going on among the foodstuffs.

It's exhausting.

2. I sing Christmas carols in the summer. Exclusively. I'm not going to be told when I can and can not sing these songs. Who do you think you are? I'll do it when I damn well please!

3. Sneezing makes me angry. All jokes aside sneezing really pisses me off. One sneeze is fine but I have some allergies and sometimes it is a fucking machine gun of sneezing. By the third I am perturbed, by the fifth I am genuinely angry. If it becomes, as it sometimes does, a long chain of them or numerous long chains of them then it's Hulk smash time. Truly impressive floods of profanity in between nasal explosions and sometimes breaking shit or when some idiot thinks it's funny to say something along the lines of, "OK, that's enough" you get the rare bit of violence.

I fucking hate sneezing and I have no idea why.

4. I like bad music. Not that I dislike good music. Far from it. I just also like bad music. At least I'm told by lots of people that it's bad. I don't really care one way or the other as I think it's awesome. I don't mean the shit that's just awful like Nickelback or Justin Timberlake that is the musical equivalent of packing your ears with human feces. I mean stuff like hair metal or 80's pop rock. When the Bangles come on the radio (and there is a station or two that will play them from time to time) it's a fucking party for the duration of that song.

I will not be shamed by this. I have no guilt and therefore no guilty pleasures. I have only pleasures thank you very much.

5. I am the boss of you. Yes you. You right there. I am the boss of you. Yes, yes I am. Shaking your head won't make it stop being true. I am the boss of you. A few of you already knew this as we have either discussed it before or you have willingly acknowledged my boss of you-ness before I had to say it. For the rest of you if you were wondering who the boss of you is, it's me. The boss of you.

Now take off your pants and go make me a sandwich.

Bride of Five Things

No one demanded it, so it's back! With assurances that I have actually done all of these things, I give you:

Five things that are fun to do in a public restroom.

1. Give commentary on what someone else is doing. Someone you don't know. If they have a particularly strong stream then by all means show your appreciation. (This one is especially fun in a thick and very fake Scottish brogue: Listen tae the soond o' tha piss! It soonds like ye've go' a fire hose goin' in there!) If the smell is...interesting...let them know that you notice their effort. (Sweet weepin' Yeshua what the fuck is that smell!? *fart noise* Dude! That ain't something you ate, that's something that crawled up your ass and died! You want me to go get a paramedic or something?)

2. As my male readers know, most guys walk up to a urinal and get in close. Really close. Some guys crawl right in that thing like they're terrified that someone might see their shame. This is the right time to try #2. When one of these guys has no choice but to use the urinal next to you, look over at him, right in the face (or side of the head if he refuses to turn) and then take a step back away from your urinal. A big step. Keep your eyes locked on him the whole time. You taking a step back will make the other guy almost literally try to flush himself down his urinal.

I mean really, who cares if some random guy you'll never see again gets a peek at your crank? These people need to unclench.

3. Walk up next to someone while they are at the urinal. Look directly at their gadgetry and say, "Hey. Nice cock."

4. In a crowded restroom, go into a stall when you have to take a monster piss. You know the kind that seems to go on for days? Yeah, one of those. The entire time you are in the stall emptying out, make over the top noises that can only be described as "sexual." Someone WILL laugh, I assure you. Mostly you'll freak a lot of uptight people out though which is always a good thing.

5. Just hang out in there for a couple of minutes. This one works best right after a movie lets out so there will be high traffic for a while. Don't use the facilities. Just loiter. And be obvious that you are just watching people go to the bathroom.

There you have it. Now you all have homework. I expect full reports on my desk very soon. Bear in mind that some (re: all) of these things may cause the other person or persons to react with violence so only do it to people that you feel confident are either very sheepish or whose ass you are confident that you can kick. Happy restrooming!

Five Things

So I decided that from time to time I'll pop in here and make a list of five things. Top fives, bottom fives, random fives, five this and five that. Without further ado I give you:

Five things I did while at work today.

1. I had a coworker sneak up on me and run a long piece of wire through one of my earrings. I decided to leave it there and when people asked me what it was I told them I had been captured, tagged and released so that I could be tracked and monitored in my natural habitat. If they didn't walk away after that I may or may not have then asked if they wanted to mate with me so that it could be studied by the scientific community. Strangely enough no one wanted to mate with me which is weird because I'm obviously very good looking. I mean I'm just wretchedly attractive. It's almost sickening really.

2. I had lunch. There was chicken involved. I can't really go into it because of unresolved legal issues.

3. I wondered if women "shake off" after they're finished pumping gas or if it's just a guy thing that we have to learn to go with that whole peeing standing up thing and then gets transferred over to the gas pump. I'll have to remember to ask someone because I really really want to know.

4. Walked up to a small group of people who were engaged in a conversation, listened silently for a few minutes and when there was a quiet place in the convo said, "I hear a lot of talking and none of it is about my cock. Not a single word. Let's work on that for tomorrow." Then I walked away.

5. Cruised around Amazon.com for something like two and a half hours. I, uh, don't really take a lot of pride in my job anymore plus I have everything so ridiculously organized that some days I have exactly shit all to do for the overwhelming majority of the day.

There you have it, the very first edition of Five Things. One day you'll tell your grandkids that you were there when it all started. Of course you'll be talking about something else but still...