So you've seen it then

As I was coming in from work on Friday I got the mail, as I always do, and took it in. Once inside I noticed one of the things was a Victoria's Secret catalog. Not being one to just casually toss away a whole magazine filled with pictures of women in nothing but underwear and come hither looks I flipped through it. When I turned it over to look at the back I saw that it was addressed to:

Gigantic Wang

Or Current Resident

So whoever is responsible for this, well, thanks. It's pretty fuckin' funny.

Five Things, Next on Cinemax Late Night

So I'm talking to Blue about Kev's junk and that got me thinking about, well, Kev's junk, but after that I started thinking about other junk related activities which has led us here. With assurances that all of these are things I genuinely want to do, I give you:

Five unfulfilled sexual fantasies

1. I want to have sex with a nun. A lot. Most of you already know this by now I think but some of you might think it's a joke. It's not. When I see a nun my heart beats faster, my hands itch, my breathing gets rapid and shallow, my mouth starts to water and I ache to get involved in a situation with her that ends with me saying, "No, leave the habit on."

Mother Theresa looked like an old peanut but I would've hit that like Samson swingin' a jawbone. I want to make a woman cheat. On God. With me.

2. Just once I'd really love to reach climax and, instead of OH GOD! or YES! or OH GOD YES! or some variation of yeses and calling out to higher powers or some complimentary thing about the other person, yell out as loud as I can, "GET OUT!!!!" then go straight to the bathroom, come back out and say, "Why are you still here? I asked you to leave."

No matter what happens after that it will be comedy gold.

3. I want to have sex with someone outrageously good looking. Now, I've been with pretty girls and once or twice even someone I would go so far as to call beautiful but I mean something beyond that. Crazy good looking. Monica Bellucci level, oh shit what do I do now, I'm actually frightened of this woman she is so fucking gorgeous, good looking.

I'm not sure exactly what the appeal of it is besides the obvious but I know there's a deeper thing going on there. I assume I'll figure it out when it happens.

4. I'd really love to split myself into 2 people and have sex with myself. I know what I like and what I don't. I know where all the good stuff is. I know how much pain is just the right amount of pain. Plus I'm pretty sure I could put me through a wall without any permanent damage and that's not something that you can do with just anyone.

Think about it. It's pretty hot.

5. I'd like to get involved in dirty talk that devolves into trash talk. Lots of people like the dirty talk and that's fine and dandy. Some people like it mild with just the barest hint of dirt and some like it so filthy that it makes the devil weep.

What I want is for it to go a little to the left and come out in a place of awesomeness. A place where, "Do you like that (insert dirty name)?" turns into, "Is that all you got!? You got nothin'!!" Where a demand for harder or faster turns into, "BRING IT, BITCH!!"

Ah what a wonderful place that would be.

She didn't say "Take off most of your clothes."

So I went to get some medical attention recently and it's been pointed out to me that I may have done something, well, untoward. I maintain that I did nothing wrong. You decide!

So I haven't been to a doctor in something like 6 or 7 years (I know, I know. Shut it.) so I made an appointment and they told me that they'd like to schedule a physical type appointment. I said fine and all was well. I turn up at the office on the day and fill out the standard paper work. Some of the questions on the forms are still wonderfully confusing just like I remember. (Yes I did sneeze during the last full moon while having a beer scratching my neck. Why? Does that mean something? TELL ME!)

Anyway, I get called back and a nice nurse lady takes my blood pressure (do they have to make that cuff so tight that I can actually feel my eyes start to bulge?) makes a few jokes, is so adorable I could just eat her up and then tells me to take off my clothes. Not in the good way though. She hands me a paper gown and a paper sheet and tells me to take off my clothes and put the gown on with the opening in front. The sheet, she says, is to lay across my lap. Out she goes and I do as instructed, taking off my clothes. All of them.

The rest of the appointment is uneventful. I talk to the woman I made the trip to see, she asks questions, she makes comments, she takes notes, blah blah blah. At one point she does a joint test and has my legs up in the air. Fat lot of good the paper sheet was doing me then.

She steps out and sends in another nurse who does another test. She decides to adjust my sheet by lifting it a foot and a half upward and laying it back down in a different area. Totally uneccessary and clearly just trying to eyeball my doodads. I said nothing as I didn't care. Refer back to me not having any shame. She leaves and the first lady comes back and, well, long story short they all got a look at my junk. It's been a while since that many people have seen my balls in a single day lemme tell ya. A long while.

But I told you all that to tell you this:

That weekend when asked how it went and I tell the story everyone I tell it to looks at me funny. Invariably I hear some variation of, "You were supposed to leave your underwear on." This confused me as I was given a sheet with the clear instructions to put it over my lap. Why would I need the sheet if I'm wearing underwear? That makes no sense to me. Did three people get a free look at my business when they weren't supposed to? Should I pretend to find this anything but amusing? Luckily I was in good shape maintenance wise. Y'know, shorn.

Yeah, you're thinking about that now and you can't stop.

Awesome.