Insert Valentine Michael Smith reference here

I keep forgetting to tell you faithful few about my trip to Ohio. We went up for Rosalita's grandmother's 90th birthday. Since I freak out a little just looking at a plane we drove up which means we had to drive through Pennsylvania.

What a shithole.

Aside from the mysterious pockets of unexplainable stink you have to drive through from time to time, the place is crawling with Steelers fans. I wish hell were a real place so the Steelers and all their fans could burn in it. Because I hate them in case that was in some way unclear. (GO RAVENS!) Rosalita yelled at me approximately 183 times for informing the natives that their state is a hole and their various sports franchises are worthy of nothing but ridicule and contempt. Some of this when we stopped for gas and to stretch our legs. Apparently it's "rude" to "insult" people. Who knew? I was just trying to help them see the truth!

So yeah we get there and meet and greet and obviously grandma loves me (I mean really, was there some other way for that to end?) and at some point we end up in a store. There's an old lady in there, easily 75, buying lottery tickets. When she's done she turns to me and says, "Am I going to win?" to which I reply, "Of course you are." then she smiles her sweet old lady smile, walks behind me and grabs my butt and walks off.

But wait, there's more.

Before I can think to react on how awesome it is to get goosed by the elderly, she comes back and gets a handful of the other cheek. Clearly this is already the best trip ever.

Skipping ahead...skipping ahead...

We get to the actual birthday party and it's like a parade of old ladies. What's more, the more they come the shorter they get and it's not like the first ones were anything but short to begin with. Tiny, tiny women. I swear I was 3 inches taller than the last one to show while I was sitting down. Seriously there were so many and they were so short I wanted to hand out dark robes, whip out a silver ball and re-enact Phantasm. I practice pointing menacingly at people and calling them "BOY" for just such a chance. It would've been great.

I also got to hang out with Noq, which was mucho yay. All my friends live forever away in places that are not here so getting to see them is always a big win. Move here you heartless fuckers!

*ahem*

So yeah, we met at a bar to watch the Cavs game (there ain't much else to do in Ohio when it's not college football season, they tell me) and I'm pretty sure one of us accidentally ate the waitress, mistaking her for a single pork rib. It's the only way to explain how long we waited for someone to take our order. Eventually there was beer.

Delicious beer.

I introduced him to Rosalita (Seriously dude, Mexican. Don't believe her lies.) then we geeked out at each other for as long as we could. It was glorious.

Eventually we had to leave which involved another drive through PA (mystery stink, shitty state, terrible people, etc) then finally back home. YAY! I like going other places mostly because they remind me how much I love my home state. Thanks for that, other places! I appreciate your efforts to be less awesome.

I'm huge in Slovakia

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I'm looking at you, London...

A long time back Google put out a cool little thing, shocking I know, that a few of us decided to use for shits and giggles. It was Google Analytics. You use it to track traffic on your site and see who is looking and how they're looking and so on and so forth. We tooled around with it for a while and then more or less forgot about it. It's a great tool but our blogs and such don't really have enough traffic to need constant tracking.

Anyway, I remembered that it was there and went to check it. Most people that visit here use Firefox and have cable, no surprises there. Most visits come from the U.S. and from 38 total countries so far, that's pretty cool. Hmmm...what's this, the keywords that people plugged in that brought them here. This should be good for a laugh or three.

OK, let's see here, we have quite a few about the Arizona Tea label. Maybe I'm not the only one that noticed it has a fucking slave on it. Searches for books and movies and music and shows and comics that I've mentioned. Nothing strange there. Let's look a little deeper.

Thagatha photos. I don't know what that means.

Monica Bellucci chocolate. Nothing wrong with that, brother.

Things in fives. That makes sense.

Fuking in stoking. I uh, I don't know what you're trying to say to me but I don't think I like it.

Everything but your underwear. Hahaha. Good times.

Take off your socks. No. No I will not.

Take off my socks. I don't even know you!

Real torture porn. What. The. Fuck.

Vulnerable naked man. Taco?

Celebrity fishing. Really, dude? Really?

Clothes socks off gyno. Is it wrong that that one turns me on a little?

Cinemax late night hot girls. But that one doesn't. It's sad that you can't commit and search for actual porn.

Everything that got to with devil. I'm sorry, what?

Fucking I stoking. First in stoking and now I stoking? Who are you!? What are you trying to tell me!!??

Evil master of suction. I give up. You found me.

Grimmstail. Look out Grimmy, someone's looking for you.

Excuses not to take off socks. ...ew.

Gyno gown socks off. What is it with you people and socks? Seriously?

Hate engine. Mine is custom. Get your own.

He's stoking me. I don't even want to know what the hell was going on there.

How many stuff things are there. Dude. SO many!

How to use a urinal without showing your junk. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Don't be ashamed of your tiny weiner! Show it with pride!

lolgoats. Fuck you! We invented that, motherfucker!

Maple syrup lubricant. First of all how did that lead here and second, eeeeeeewwwwww!

Zombi porn. Taco?

A dozen more things about socks...get a hobby people. For reals.

Obsessive compulsive scratch even number licking disorder-cat-dog. I don't have the words to describe the level at which I do NOT want to meet this person EVER.

Zebulon banner. Why didn't I think of that!? This is the best thing ever!

Stuff to do late night in Crystal Lake. Besides getting fucking killed you mean? Not much.

Taptaptap sex porn. What the fuck are you tapping on? And stay away from my precious sex porn!

Why are some scorpios so mean? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

So yeah, people are weird. They're apparently a bunch of sock obsessed, porn wanting, pet licking, tiny dicked freaks that should never be allowed to interact with other folk. By other folk I mean me. Keep them away from me. I'm going to go hide everything I own and buy some more locks for the door.