So I'm a little late to the party

First a little background. I read. A lot. By that I mean that I read far far more than a regular person does. It borders on obsession I'm told. I've read and I own more books than anyone I know (and I know some very literate people), I have multiple library cards and so on and so on and so on. I told you that to tell you this:

I've never read those Harry Potter books.

So I've decided to do that now. I have to know what made what is probably the most illiterate generation in a "civilized" country in a long long time turn off the TV, put down the gamepad, sign out of AIM and pull out the earbuds in order to actually read something. Anything that can do that seemingly miraculous thing is something that I should read because the result is something that I am very much for. Pro-that. Yay that. It's a thing that made an entire generation that looked at books with confusion at best and outright disdain at worst actually read something. I'm still amazed by it.

Normally I don't fall into the hype pit. You couldn't make me read The Da Vinci Code at gunpoint. G'head, shoot me motherfucker I ain't doin' it. I don't watch reality TV. I mostly avoid bestsellers as a rule. When the hype machine gets going I tend to get wary. I see this a little differently and I'll tell you why.

First, it got very good reviews even before it exploded. Sure a lot of the later reviews and probably many of the awards were a result of the insane sales figures but it did get praise before then. This is key.

Second, I've seen several writers who I like give it a thumbs up and that is one of the major ways that I find new writers. If someone whose work I enjoy likes your work then maybe I should be checking it out. It usually doesn't let me down though obviously it isn't ironclad. I did find my favorite writer this way so it's a going to be company policy for the foreseeable future.

Third, it made a lot of "real" writers very weepy and bitchtastic. I clearly remember when the bestseller list was clogged with the name Rowling in the top 4 spots. Number 1 was her 4th, number 2 was her 3rd and so on. This made the "real" writers so angry that they banded together and got them kicked off of the list completely. The top four spots were vacated and everyone moved up four places. Rowling's 5th and 6th book didn't appear on the list either even though they were the top sellers for long and long and her forthcoming book will not appear on it either.

This is such dizzying bullshit that it makes me nauseous.

The thing it most reminds me of is when Neil Gaiman won the World Fantasy Award for best short story. He won it for one issue of a comic book series that he wrote. The "real" writers nearly had strokes when they were beaten by a lowly and unworthy comic book writer. They banded together and got the rules changed so that a comic book would never win again.

Y'know guys, if you were better writers you might win more awards and sell more books. Maybe if you spent as much time and energy and displayed the same amount of passion in your work as you do trying to piss on the work of others you would actually be as good as you clearly think you are. Fuck you all. Each and every one of you.

Lastly, refer back to the part where it got millions of slack jawed, mouth breathing, barely literate imbeciles to pick up a book, finish it and then clamor for more.

So yeah, I'm going to be doing that.

Excuse me while I engage in a small bit of idol worship

Normally I don't bother to mention much day to day stuff unless it's funny or I need to rant and normally I wouldn't make a post for a concert because they're just, y'know, things that people do, but this is a special occasion. For me anyway.

Tool played my city last Friday and holy shit were they amazing.

Again, under normal circumstances I wouldn't mention it but for my money Tool is the best band going now. Not the best ever of course but they are my favorite band that is still making new music. I think every member is gifted and most of them are far beyond anything else going today. If they played here every week then every week I'd make one of these gushing like a fanboy. I just can't help it and I don't really want to.

Anyway, some band from Tokyo called Melt Banana opened the show and they were loud and they were fast. I don't know if I'll be buying anything of theirs but I enjoyed their set.

Tool came on and melted my face and I love it and begged for more more MORE. The set list was:

Jambi
Stinkfist
Forty Six & 2
Schism
Rosetta Stoned
Flood
Wings for Marie Pt. 1
10000 Days (Wings Pt. 2)
Lateralus
Vicarious

How many bands can get away with playing only ten songs at a concert and still leave the crowd satisfied? And believe me I was satisfied. Half the set is new stuff but I love the new album so I was well pleased. The only times that the crowd was spoken to was to give us a Hello Baltimore right after the first song and then we were asked to give a moment of silence and when we got really quiet he said "For Paris Hilton. This next song is for her." at which point Stinkfist started and then right before Vicarious we were thanked very profusely for not using flash photography and screwing up their concentration. Anything for you guys. Seriously, anything. You want my pants? I'll give them to you. I mean it.

After Flood a whole kind of ambient noise thing started and the band was on and off the stage sitting on the riser that Danny Carey's drums and Maynard's mic were on and so forth. The roadies brought the opening band's drum kit back out and after about ten minutes of the weird (but pleasant) noise thing Danny got back into his kit and the opening band's drummer came out to his kit and they tore into a two drum kit solo that was AWESOME. Very dueling drums kind of thing going back and forth getting more and more complicated and faster until the end where they were playing together (but not the same) and ended with a crash like Zeus throwing thunderbolts into your brain. Absolutely stunning.

I'm almost finished gushing, I swear.

You may not know but the 2 Wings songs are about Maynard's mother and her death. I don't know how he gets through them without weeping. I can't imagine what it's like to hear the crowd singing along with you during songs this personal and all but screaming her name where he drops it in the lyrics. I'd probably have a nervous breakdown before the tour was over.

I know it was a great show because people kept asking me why I was smiling and mentioning how weird it was to see me doing it so much for no apparent reason. Here's hoping they don't wait another 5 years to release a new disc and go back on tour.

OK, I'm finished with my Tool worship and we return you to our regularly scheduled programming now.

She didn't say "Take off most of your clothes."

So I went to get some medical attention recently and it's been pointed out to me that I may have done something, well, untoward. I maintain that I did nothing wrong. You decide!

So I haven't been to a doctor in something like 6 or 7 years (I know, I know. Shut it.) so I made an appointment and they told me that they'd like to schedule a physical type appointment. I said fine and all was well. I turn up at the office on the day and fill out the standard paper work. Some of the questions on the forms are still wonderfully confusing just like I remember. (Yes I did sneeze during the last full moon while having a beer scratching my neck. Why? Does that mean something? TELL ME!)

Anyway, I get called back and a nice nurse lady takes my blood pressure (do they have to make that cuff so tight that I can actually feel my eyes start to bulge?) makes a few jokes, is so adorable I could just eat her up and then tells me to take off my clothes. Not in the good way though. She hands me a paper gown and a paper sheet and tells me to take off my clothes and put the gown on with the opening in front. The sheet, she says, is to lay across my lap. Out she goes and I do as instructed, taking off my clothes. All of them.

The rest of the appointment is uneventful. I talk to the woman I made the trip to see, she asks questions, she makes comments, she takes notes, blah blah blah. At one point she does a joint test and has my legs up in the air. Fat lot of good the paper sheet was doing me then.

She steps out and sends in another nurse who does another test. She decides to adjust my sheet by lifting it a foot and a half upward and laying it back down in a different area. Totally uneccessary and clearly just trying to eyeball my doodads. I said nothing as I didn't care. Refer back to me not having any shame. She leaves and the first lady comes back and, well, long story short they all got a look at my junk. It's been a while since that many people have seen my balls in a single day lemme tell ya. A long while.

But I told you all that to tell you this:

That weekend when asked how it went and I tell the story everyone I tell it to looks at me funny. Invariably I hear some variation of, "You were supposed to leave your underwear on." This confused me as I was given a sheet with the clear instructions to put it over my lap. Why would I need the sheet if I'm wearing underwear? That makes no sense to me. Did three people get a free look at my business when they weren't supposed to? Should I pretend to find this anything but amusing? Luckily I was in good shape maintenance wise. Y'know, shorn.

Yeah, you're thinking about that now and you can't stop.

Awesome.

Five Things III: The Curse of Five Things

High up in our royal tower we have heard your cries. "Tell us more things," you said. "Five more things to be precise." We have heard you and we humbly submit to the will of the people. We give you:

Five things you may or may not know about me

1. I have a little OCD. This, to the uninitiated, is obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't have the full on walk around all day with rubber gloves on, takes me an hour to get out of bed because I have to time my right foot to hit the ground as the second hand on the clock hits 12 while blinking, exhaling and feeling my heart beat in my left fingertips or I have to start all over. It's mostly either amusing or annoying with the occasional foray into "What the hell?"

The volume of the radio in my vehicle has to be set on an even number or a number divisible by five. I have stopped the car and made people get out because they couldn't understand that no, I don't think it's fucking funny when you turn the knob to 13.

Right shoe first, left shoe second. No exceptions.

For the most part my food can't be allowed to touch. When I see people just pile food on top of food on a plate that shit drives me crazy. It is not uncommon for me to need several plates to eat dinner. Not because I eat that much but because I need that much open space to make sure there's no suspicious activity going on among the foodstuffs.

It's exhausting.

2. I sing Christmas carols in the summer. Exclusively. I'm not going to be told when I can and can not sing these songs. Who do you think you are? I'll do it when I damn well please!

3. Sneezing makes me angry. All jokes aside sneezing really pisses me off. One sneeze is fine but I have some allergies and sometimes it is a fucking machine gun of sneezing. By the third I am perturbed, by the fifth I am genuinely angry. If it becomes, as it sometimes does, a long chain of them or numerous long chains of them then it's Hulk smash time. Truly impressive floods of profanity in between nasal explosions and sometimes breaking shit or when some idiot thinks it's funny to say something along the lines of, "OK, that's enough" you get the rare bit of violence.

I fucking hate sneezing and I have no idea why.

4. I like bad music. Not that I dislike good music. Far from it. I just also like bad music. At least I'm told by lots of people that it's bad. I don't really care one way or the other as I think it's awesome. I don't mean the shit that's just awful like Nickelback or Justin Timberlake that is the musical equivalent of packing your ears with human feces. I mean stuff like hair metal or 80's pop rock. When the Bangles come on the radio (and there is a station or two that will play them from time to time) it's a fucking party for the duration of that song.

I will not be shamed by this. I have no guilt and therefore no guilty pleasures. I have only pleasures thank you very much.

5. I am the boss of you. Yes you. You right there. I am the boss of you. Yes, yes I am. Shaking your head won't make it stop being true. I am the boss of you. A few of you already knew this as we have either discussed it before or you have willingly acknowledged my boss of you-ness before I had to say it. For the rest of you if you were wondering who the boss of you is, it's me. The boss of you.

Now take off your pants and go make me a sandwich.

It's never too late to add to last year's best of list

Sometimes I get behind on my reading or music buying and I don't get around to something until months after its release. Sometimes this stuff is really good and deserves to be publicly praised so this is a very short list of stuff that came out last year that I didn't get around to until this year that I would have put on my Best of '06 entry if I had gotten to it last year. Yeah.

First, a couple of books:

The Messiah of Morris Avenue by Tony Hendra

What if the second coming of Christ wasn't about taking Christians to heaven? This is the basic premise of this satirical novel. The satire is sharp at times but it still has a big heart. It takes place in the future where the hardcore conservatives have taken over the government and we are basically a theocracy ruled by religious zealots. Heresy is against the law and damn near anything they choose can cause you to be labeled a heretic. Insert the second coming. Christ returns as a poor Mexican that quietly builds a following in order to renew the message.

You do not in any way have to be religious to appreciate the message of this book.

The Book of Dave by Will Self

What if a deranged London cab driver suffered a total psychotic breakdown right after a bitter divorce and an even more bitter custody battle and poured out all of his insanity into a book? What if, faaaaar in the future, this book is found and becomes the basis of a new society? Exactly.

It is a little tough at the start because the far future people often talk in a very exaggerated cockney that is spelled out phonetically. This doesn't really take long to get used to but it can throw you right off the bat. The book pops back and forth between younger Dave, older Dave, and two generations of the future. It's very well done and worth at least a trip to the library.

Now a couple of CDs:

Peeping Tom (self titled)

This is yet another Mike Patton project and like most things that he does this one is a winner. It has his almost patented blend of so many different genres that you'd think it would be too much but he fuses it all together perfectly. Not to be missed.

This Hungry Life by Tanya Donelly

I'm sure that Tanya Donelly is capable of making music that I don't like but this ain't it. The founder of Throwing Muses, The Breeders and Belly and finally a solo act is still making the sweet love to my ear drums. This new album (that's right, I still say album) has her tossing her indie rock roots into a blender with a touch of country (the good stuff not that tripe they make these days) and a tiny bit of pop and then straining it through her new maturity brought on by motherhood. Probably not for everyone but it is definitely for me so I'll have another helping thanks so very much.

That's all I have off the top of my head.

Accident update:

I appear to have no permanent damage to myself but my hands have hurt pretty badly since the crash and I'm a little stiff all over. Hopefully this will pass soon. I haven't heard anything about the 3 women that got taken away in ambulances. Hopefully they're OK.

Ever have one of those days?

I don't. It implies that there are other kinds of days to have. Anyway, here's how my last two days have gone:

Tuesday I suffered possibly the worst allergy attack of my life. My sinuses punished me. They kicked my ass. Literally they crawled out of my head and put the boots to me. The inside of my head is still raw. I sneezed so much and so hard that I was dizzy and lightheaded for most of the day. At one point I wanted to rip my nose off of my head because that would have been more pleasant than what I was going through. I didn't sleep last night because I couldn't breathe and finally got up groggy and absolutely miserable. Off to work I go.

My sinuses loosen up for the most part today and I'm breathing better and hardly sneezing at all. The rawness wasn't nice but hey, it's better than the alternative right? Anyway, sometimes in the course of my job I have to go to one of our other offices and do this or that (OK I find work in general and my work in particular extremely boring so I'm not going to bore myself or you with the details) so I'm on my way back to my office where I'm hoping to sit at my desk for the rest of the day and decompress from yesterday.

Yeah. That was going to happen.

On the way back I was involved in an accident. Three vehicles involved, two of them totaled and hauled off on a wrecker. Four people involved and three of them taken away in ambulances (I hope those ladies are OK. Seriously). A manager came to the accident site (company policy) and I was driven back to my office then immediately taken for a breathalyzer and drug test (also company policy. No worries, I'm clean) and then returned to my office. All that took about 4 hours and I came home shortly thereafter.

So, how was your day?

Subtlety isn't their strength

At around 3 o'clock everyday at work a small group of us will get together (it usually commences with one of us yelling "What's up with my drink, bitches!") and send one guy (almost always John) off to the store to get us all a refreshing beverage. It's one of those little things that people do to break up the day and push back the feelings of being not at all gruntled (it's a word now, deal with it). We usually argue, in a good spirited way, over who should pay, who paid the last time, who skipped their turn and so on. It's all part of the process y'see. Anyway the drink of choice for us is Arizona teas. It's not any kind of brand loyalty so much as it is that they're big and cheap.

One day John comes back and hands me a can and says that they were out of my usual and this was all they had. It was the Arizona Southern Style. It didn't really matter to me so no big deal. I take a few swigs and, finding it better than my usual, I take a closer look.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look at something and think, "What the hell?" so you look again because obviously you're mistaken but no it really is what you thought? Exactly.

On the label of the Southern Style tea there is a picture of a plantation. There is a blonde white woman in front of the house and another white woman on the porch. Standing next to the porch woman? A SLAVE! That's right, in order to get that distinctive southern feel they went with the plantation house slave theme. I called one of the guys over and told him what I was seeing and he looked and his reaction was, "No fucking way." and snatched it from me to show everyone else. I was angry lemme tell ya. Mostly about having my drink snatched away but y'know, righteous anger is righteous anger, right?

Check it:





OK, I realize that this might be a little hard to see so I ask only that you go to a store and look for yourself and then do that head shake with a disbelieving chuckle thing that everyone else does before you look again and do the Oh. My. God. thing.

I gotta get Al Sharpton's number...