As I was coming in from work on Friday I got the mail, as I always do, and took it in. Once inside I noticed one of the things was a Victoria's Secret catalog. Not being one to just casually toss away a whole magazine filled with pictures of women in nothing but underwear and come hither looks I flipped through it. When I turned it over to look at the back I saw that it was addressed to:
Gigantic Wang
Or Current Resident
So whoever is responsible for this, well, thanks. It's pretty fuckin' funny.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Actually
Scratch all that. It occurred to me today that while I have been getting pounded down by life since, well, birth, I keep getting up. I thought for a long long time that I was just too stupid to just stay down. That's not it. I keep getting up because you can't beat me bad enough to keep me down. You can take everything from me but when you take everything away from someone all you do is set them free. Kill me? Ha! G'head, kill the lifelong depressive. Pfft.
You pound away and pound away and we can never hit back but still you can't beat me. I'm always going to keep getting back up. You. Can't. Beat. Me. You can however kiss my high yellow ass.
You pound away and pound away and we can never hit back but still you can't beat me. I'm always going to keep getting back up. You. Can't. Beat. Me. You can however kiss my high yellow ass.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sick and tired of being sick and tired
Ah life, you miserable fucking whore. Full of ups and downs but it turns out the ups are only there to make the downs worse than they might normally be. Then you get the obligatory "everything will be ok" or "things will get better" from all and sundry which is no help at all because neither of those things are even remotely fucking true and only serve to make you feel like an even shittier and more furious. Keep that shit to yourselves, I don't want to hear it.
Of course this will often lead into someone telling you to let this or that god take care of it. Really? These same gods you people seem to think having been taking care of me up to this point? These same gods that have overseen the most heinous shit being visited on me and mine the entirety of our lives already? Fuck off. If that shit is your idea of something being taken care of then do me a favor and tell your chosen god to fuck off and leave me alone.
Then of course come the brain damaged fuck smudges that love to tell people that it could be worse. Other people somewhere have it worse. Someone in the world is having a worse time of it than you. Really? Is that idiotic bullshit supposed to make someone feel better? Are you fucking retarded? It's ok that you got mugged because someone else got mugged and gangraped. It's ok that you got mugged and gangraped because someone else got mugged, gangraped and then set on fire. It's ok that you got mugged, gangraped and set on fire because someone else got mugged, gangraped, set on fire and then put out by being pissed on by a phalanx of lepers.
This is your helpful input? How about you do something actually helpful and go choke to death on a bag full of diseased cock. That'd be great. Thanks.
Anyway, life. Fuck. You.
Of course this will often lead into someone telling you to let this or that god take care of it. Really? These same gods you people seem to think having been taking care of me up to this point? These same gods that have overseen the most heinous shit being visited on me and mine the entirety of our lives already? Fuck off. If that shit is your idea of something being taken care of then do me a favor and tell your chosen god to fuck off and leave me alone.
Then of course come the brain damaged fuck smudges that love to tell people that it could be worse. Other people somewhere have it worse. Someone in the world is having a worse time of it than you. Really? Is that idiotic bullshit supposed to make someone feel better? Are you fucking retarded? It's ok that you got mugged because someone else got mugged and gangraped. It's ok that you got mugged and gangraped because someone else got mugged, gangraped and then set on fire. It's ok that you got mugged, gangraped and set on fire because someone else got mugged, gangraped, set on fire and then put out by being pissed on by a phalanx of lepers.
This is your helpful input? How about you do something actually helpful and go choke to death on a bag full of diseased cock. That'd be great. Thanks.
Anyway, life. Fuck. You.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Movies '08
So last year, by my count, I saw 128 movies counting only those movies I saw from start to finish in their entirety. That's actually less than normal but not too bad as far as totals go, I guess. Anyway, here are some of the best.
Let's start with the obvious and say The Dark Knight. Believe the hype. It really was as good as people say and Heath Ledger was flat out brilliant in it. There was nothing bad about it. Writing, directing, acting, editing, music, it's the total package. They even replaced the bad actress from the first one with an actual actress and filled out the only soft spot from the first one. Whether you like comics or not, whether you like Batman or not, you will like this movie.
Next up is Tropic Thunder. Not only is it hysterical, it skewers every single level of the Hollywood machine from directors, actors, agents, producers, FX guys, writers, you name it. Think about it like this, this movie is so funny it made people laugh at a white man in blackface.
Doubt is a powerful story with wonderful acting though I include the disclaimer that I am a huge Philip Seymour Hoffman fan.
Gran Torino is Eastwood displaying his prodigious acting talent. He got some flack for playing a politically incorrect character but I applaud his realistic effort and love it top to bottom.
In Bruges is a movie everyone should see but very few have. Hopefully all the awards it was nominated for will cause more people to seek it out. I love black comedy and this one is black as pitch with sharp writing and acting. Go rent it. Now.
George Romero got back on track after the deeply disappointing Land of the Dead with Diary of the Dead. Yes it's a zombie movie but unlike the crappy ones, it's not about zombies. This entry is about the modern person's inability to disconnect from the constant stream of INPUT. Internet, cell phones, 24 hour cable news, the neverending slam of information that people just can turn away from. Hot damn it's good. Welcome back George.
It wasn't a great year for horror but there was the aforementioned Diary of the Dead, Cloverfield, The Orphanage, Let the Right One In and REC (remade in the U.S. as the vastly inferior Quarantine). On the B-horror front there was Otis and Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! which hit the B bone just the way you like it.
It was a decnt year for the R rated comedy, which I appreciate. I'm a grown person and I like grown person comedies. Pay attention Hollywood. Tropic Thunder and In Bruges were joined by Pineapple Express, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Zach and Miri Make a Porno. Five isn't a huge number but how often do five good R comedies drop in one year?
It also wasn't a great year for indies as far as I'm concerned. Previous years have been much better but this year did have Son of Rambow, Smart People, Be Kind Rewind and my favorite Teeth. Teeth makes female empowerment so empowered it's downright frightening. See it. Soon.
Other notables include Burn After Reading (another solid entry in the Coen brothers army of fine films), Iron Man (which was Downey Jr's big comeback even though he's been in some damn fine movies in the last three or four years), Hellboy II (visually stunning if nothing else), Run Fatboy Run and The Bank Job which I didn't think I would like but I did.
I haven't seen Frost/Nixon, The Wrestler, Revolutionary Road or The Curious Case of Benjamin Button yet (soon though) but I hear very good things about them so they probably deserve a spot on your To View list.
And while Heath Ledger got all the press we should all remember that we lost Paul Newman last year. One of the last remaining titans has fallen. They don't make them like him anymore and he will be sorely missed. We also lost Chuck Heston, Roy Scheider, Isaac Hayes, Sydney Pollack, Cyd Charisse and Eartha Kitt along with many others I forget off the top of my head. Rest in peace, all.
Let's start with the obvious and say The Dark Knight. Believe the hype. It really was as good as people say and Heath Ledger was flat out brilliant in it. There was nothing bad about it. Writing, directing, acting, editing, music, it's the total package. They even replaced the bad actress from the first one with an actual actress and filled out the only soft spot from the first one. Whether you like comics or not, whether you like Batman or not, you will like this movie.
Next up is Tropic Thunder. Not only is it hysterical, it skewers every single level of the Hollywood machine from directors, actors, agents, producers, FX guys, writers, you name it. Think about it like this, this movie is so funny it made people laugh at a white man in blackface.
Doubt is a powerful story with wonderful acting though I include the disclaimer that I am a huge Philip Seymour Hoffman fan.
Gran Torino is Eastwood displaying his prodigious acting talent. He got some flack for playing a politically incorrect character but I applaud his realistic effort and love it top to bottom.
In Bruges is a movie everyone should see but very few have. Hopefully all the awards it was nominated for will cause more people to seek it out. I love black comedy and this one is black as pitch with sharp writing and acting. Go rent it. Now.
George Romero got back on track after the deeply disappointing Land of the Dead with Diary of the Dead. Yes it's a zombie movie but unlike the crappy ones, it's not about zombies. This entry is about the modern person's inability to disconnect from the constant stream of INPUT. Internet, cell phones, 24 hour cable news, the neverending slam of information that people just can turn away from. Hot damn it's good. Welcome back George.
It wasn't a great year for horror but there was the aforementioned Diary of the Dead, Cloverfield, The Orphanage, Let the Right One In and REC (remade in the U.S. as the vastly inferior Quarantine). On the B-horror front there was Otis and Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! which hit the B bone just the way you like it.
It was a decnt year for the R rated comedy, which I appreciate. I'm a grown person and I like grown person comedies. Pay attention Hollywood. Tropic Thunder and In Bruges were joined by Pineapple Express, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Zach and Miri Make a Porno. Five isn't a huge number but how often do five good R comedies drop in one year?
It also wasn't a great year for indies as far as I'm concerned. Previous years have been much better but this year did have Son of Rambow, Smart People, Be Kind Rewind and my favorite Teeth. Teeth makes female empowerment so empowered it's downright frightening. See it. Soon.
Other notables include Burn After Reading (another solid entry in the Coen brothers army of fine films), Iron Man (which was Downey Jr's big comeback even though he's been in some damn fine movies in the last three or four years), Hellboy II (visually stunning if nothing else), Run Fatboy Run and The Bank Job which I didn't think I would like but I did.
I haven't seen Frost/Nixon, The Wrestler, Revolutionary Road or The Curious Case of Benjamin Button yet (soon though) but I hear very good things about them so they probably deserve a spot on your To View list.
And while Heath Ledger got all the press we should all remember that we lost Paul Newman last year. One of the last remaining titans has fallen. They don't make them like him anymore and he will be sorely missed. We also lost Chuck Heston, Roy Scheider, Isaac Hayes, Sydney Pollack, Cyd Charisse and Eartha Kitt along with many others I forget off the top of my head. Rest in peace, all.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Reading '08
I wasn't going to do it but Taco will yell at me if I don't so I decided to do much shorter versions than last year and call it even. I'm combining books and comics this time because reading is reading and if you're one of those people that stick your nose up at comics then I don't want your sorry ass reading this anyway. So without further ado, here are my thoughts on all things reading in 2008.
The best reading last year was probably Philip Roth's Indignation. I read one review that called it an interesting failure which is funny because Roth is probably the greatest living American writer and that critic is, well, not. If this is him failing then more people should fail at writing. If you've never read Roth then obviously you have homework now.
Hot on the heels of that was Ed Brubaker's Criminal. If anything, the series gets better the more he puts out. If you like words like pulp, noir, hard case and femme fatale or just like tremendous writing then you'll love this.
Also pick up Supreme Courtship by Christopher Buckley. I love Buckley to pieces and if you've ever wondered what would happen if a U.S. president nominated a television show judge for a spot on the Supreme Court because he's pissed off at the senate, and really who hasn't, then wonder no more.
The best nonfiction was easily The Ten Cent Plague: The Great Comic Book Scare and How It Changed America by David Hajdu. You don't even have to like comics to like this book, that's how good it is.
The best YA book was Neil Gaiman's Graveyard Book just edging out Terry Pratchett's Nation. Both are superb but Gaiman channeled his inner Kipling and produced a book that was flat out amazing.
It seemed to me to be a particularly strong year for first time novelists last year. The best was probably The Somnambulist by Jonathan Barnes. Other very good first novels that have me looking forward to more from their writers were The Witch's Trinity by Erika Mailman, The Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff and A Good and Happy Child by Justin Evans.
Other very worthy '08 releases included:
The Duma Key - Stephen King
The Ghost in Love - Jonathan Carroll
Buffy Season 8 - Joss Whedon
Grendel: Behold the Devil - Matt Wagner
Sharp Teeth - Toby Barlow
2666 - Roberto Bolano
Little Brother - Cory Doctorow
There were obviously many other things published last year that were worth reading but I'm trying to keep it short. If you want recommendations on anything in any genre, just ask.
I also decided to make a note of things that slipped under my radar from previous (though recent) years that I caught up with last year and are more than worth your time. They include:
Absurdistan - Gary Shteyngart
Special Topics in Calamity Physics - Marisha Pessl
An Arsonist's Guide to Writer's Homes in New England - Brock Clarke
The Brief History of the Dead - Kevin Brockmeier
We also mourn the passing of two giants in 2008. Arthur C. Clarke and David Foster Wallace, rest in peace.
The best reading last year was probably Philip Roth's Indignation. I read one review that called it an interesting failure which is funny because Roth is probably the greatest living American writer and that critic is, well, not. If this is him failing then more people should fail at writing. If you've never read Roth then obviously you have homework now.
Hot on the heels of that was Ed Brubaker's Criminal. If anything, the series gets better the more he puts out. If you like words like pulp, noir, hard case and femme fatale or just like tremendous writing then you'll love this.
Also pick up Supreme Courtship by Christopher Buckley. I love Buckley to pieces and if you've ever wondered what would happen if a U.S. president nominated a television show judge for a spot on the Supreme Court because he's pissed off at the senate, and really who hasn't, then wonder no more.
The best nonfiction was easily The Ten Cent Plague: The Great Comic Book Scare and How It Changed America by David Hajdu. You don't even have to like comics to like this book, that's how good it is.
The best YA book was Neil Gaiman's Graveyard Book just edging out Terry Pratchett's Nation. Both are superb but Gaiman channeled his inner Kipling and produced a book that was flat out amazing.
It seemed to me to be a particularly strong year for first time novelists last year. The best was probably The Somnambulist by Jonathan Barnes. Other very good first novels that have me looking forward to more from their writers were The Witch's Trinity by Erika Mailman, The Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff and A Good and Happy Child by Justin Evans.
Other very worthy '08 releases included:
The Duma Key - Stephen King
The Ghost in Love - Jonathan Carroll
Buffy Season 8 - Joss Whedon
Grendel: Behold the Devil - Matt Wagner
Sharp Teeth - Toby Barlow
2666 - Roberto Bolano
Little Brother - Cory Doctorow
There were obviously many other things published last year that were worth reading but I'm trying to keep it short. If you want recommendations on anything in any genre, just ask.
I also decided to make a note of things that slipped under my radar from previous (though recent) years that I caught up with last year and are more than worth your time. They include:
Absurdistan - Gary Shteyngart
Special Topics in Calamity Physics - Marisha Pessl
An Arsonist's Guide to Writer's Homes in New England - Brock Clarke
The Brief History of the Dead - Kevin Brockmeier
We also mourn the passing of two giants in 2008. Arthur C. Clarke and David Foster Wallace, rest in peace.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Almost went Toby on myself
So the end of the year brought with it the usual stress and irritation. This year there was a twist. Life decided that I'm just not going through enough. I apparently don't have enough things to be concerned about or to get stressed over. Life, it seems, does not take the holidays off.
A few days a go I woke up in the morning in pain. My foot was killing me. What the hell? It was fine when I went to bed. Had I been sleepwalking and bashed it on something? No time to dwell on it, I had to go to work and it wasn't too terrible a pain. It hurt all that day and night and hurt still when I woke up the next day.
Odd.
The day after that, Christmas day (spit) it got worse. Much worse. It started out about the same but during dinner it started to get worse. After dinner it continued to turn up the pain dial until it reached the point that I can really only describe as unrelenting torment. I got home and took off my sock to find my foot swollen like an overstuffed sausage.
Great.
Yesterday I called my doctor and made an appointment. This meant having to squeeze my disturbingly tumescent foot into a shoe. Even prying it open as far as I could it took me a long time to put it on. The pain dial turned itself up another tic. I get there and have to take the shoe off (wince) for her to see.
Do you eat steak?
Yes.
Seafood?
Of course.
Gout.
...shit.
Why didn't anyone tell me it hurt like this? Someone I know had to have known. Bastards. Anyway I put the shoe back on (wince, quiet moan) and hobbled, yes I was full on hobbling at this point, to go for the X-ray she wanted just in case. Shoe back off (groan), X-Ray, shoe back on (snarl, quiver) and finally home. No red meat, no seafood and no beer until it goes away.
Oh joy.
Here I am today, foot still swollen, wondering if people will still ask me next year why I hate this time of year so much. Maybe I'll smash their feet with a sledge hammer and ask them if that improves their mood or makes it worse.
A few days a go I woke up in the morning in pain. My foot was killing me. What the hell? It was fine when I went to bed. Had I been sleepwalking and bashed it on something? No time to dwell on it, I had to go to work and it wasn't too terrible a pain. It hurt all that day and night and hurt still when I woke up the next day.
Odd.
The day after that, Christmas day (spit) it got worse. Much worse. It started out about the same but during dinner it started to get worse. After dinner it continued to turn up the pain dial until it reached the point that I can really only describe as unrelenting torment. I got home and took off my sock to find my foot swollen like an overstuffed sausage.
Great.
Yesterday I called my doctor and made an appointment. This meant having to squeeze my disturbingly tumescent foot into a shoe. Even prying it open as far as I could it took me a long time to put it on. The pain dial turned itself up another tic. I get there and have to take the shoe off (wince) for her to see.
Do you eat steak?
Yes.
Seafood?
Of course.
Gout.
...shit.
Why didn't anyone tell me it hurt like this? Someone I know had to have known. Bastards. Anyway I put the shoe back on (wince, quiet moan) and hobbled, yes I was full on hobbling at this point, to go for the X-ray she wanted just in case. Shoe back off (groan), X-Ray, shoe back on (snarl, quiver) and finally home. No red meat, no seafood and no beer until it goes away.
Oh joy.
Here I am today, foot still swollen, wondering if people will still ask me next year why I hate this time of year so much. Maybe I'll smash their feet with a sledge hammer and ask them if that improves their mood or makes it worse.
Monday, December 22, 2008
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