Not a gimp...yet.

So I figure I must be a complete masochist because I'm moving again. You tell yourself things will go smoothly. This is, of course, not true. Everything that can go wrong goes wrong and while your back is turned they bring more wrong shit with them that you didn't even know could go wrong.

Fun.

So the next time I mention a move coming up in the near future I really need one of you to step up and shoot me in the head with a bazooka. It'll be for my own good so I forgive you in advance.

How Dare the Robins Sing

I found out Sunday that my favorite Uncle had died. He was the only uncle I claimed and the only one I thought anything good about. He alone of all my father's family took any interest in us after my father died. He alone cared about our well being. He alone commanded and received my respect.

Born and raised in a city he somehow had country life in his heart and moved out to the middle of no where after his first marriage ended. He'd still find time to come visit and have us up whenever time and money allowed. He never forgot us and I will never forget him for that.

This was the only man I ever allowed to call me "boy" after I considered myself a man. The image I will always carry of him is the day he came to visit and drew down, old west style, on a group of west Baltimore ghetto rats. They were friends of mine and we were all hanging around outside my house when he drove up for a visit. One of the young lions (not me, I had MUCH better sense) said or did or looked a way the old lion didn't approve of and quick as you please he had a magnum in his hand and under the nose of the offender. After a hasty apology he gave the guy a few dollars and sent him to, "Get me some coddies from the store up yonder. Be quick and mind my change, boy."

Old school.

I could go on and on but I don't imagine him as one to want anyone going on and on about it.

Anderson Collins

.

Uncle and Friend

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Rest In Peace

.

I'm huge in Slovakia

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But it's not the weekend...

An update! Wow, it's been a while. I blame Hoggins. Boy's got issues.

Anyway, things are more or less the same except I'll be moving to a new place next month. Three stories, brand new kitchen, yard and deck (hey for a kid from the ghetto that's a big deal) and a wood burning stove which I don't care about but Rosalita is all fired up for so there's that. I'm told I'll have to start cooking out now and inviting people over which I am against for the most part but I'm also told they'll bring beer so that's pretty cool.

What should I buy myself for a housewarming gift?

My allergies were awful to me today so I have to cut it short but sadly that little but sums it up pretty much.

Do they make a six hour chip?

On top of my growing love affair with Yuengling I recently found a vodka that tastes like coffee. Not tastes like coffee with vodka in it, it tastes like coffee. Period. I give it two months before I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers starting sentences with, "Hi, my name is..." and telling them how long it's been since my last sweet snort of hooch, which I will lie about of course.

I'm not complaining, it'll totally be worth it.

I'll have you Walking Spanish

So as is my way I recalled a thing that happened to me sometime after the fact (my memory will come and go as it pleases, wandering away for wild adventures before finally finding its way home to settle down) and when it popped back in my head I blurted it out to the first person I saw, which was Taco.

"Hey", I said, "Did I tell you I got hammered and stole a pirate hat from a liquor store?"

And so it began.

Demands for a complete retelling, pictures of the glorious thing itself, getting other people to demand pictures until I just couldn't take it anymore. So I sent those out to those as asked after them but then I got to thinking that such a fine tale of daring should be shared and passed down to future generations.

So we're out sailing the seas (at a bar) and decide it's lame and to take all the cool people (us) over to Mike's to just hang out. We drop the women off and we hearty menfolk drive to the liquor store to raid it for it's boozey goodness as I'd not had my fill yet.

We arrive (flourish of trumpets) and storm into the joint, as is our way, looking for our chosen plunder. On our way down an aisle I see a Captain Morgan display and on it, a hat. Not just any hat my friends, an awe inspiring cheap plastic pirate hat. It was love at first sight.

"Mike!", I yelled (because, Mike). "Dude!" (because, sometimes, dude). "Look at this hat!"

I put it on and instantly I could sense it had been waiting for me. It was MINE.

Mike turned and, seeing me in all my piratey glory, bellowed, "That is the GREATEST fucking thing I've ever seen!" Truly he is wise.

We raid and plunder the store for our desired libations and boldly stride up to the register, me with my new hat in its rightful place.

"This hat is awesome," I said.

"Look at how awesome that fucking hat is!" Mike added.

They looked upon me and were appropriately moved by my mighty visage.

"Look how great I look in it."

"Look at how fucking gorgeous he is in that thing!" It should be noted that Mike, like so many straight men before him, is confused by the feelings I give him in his swimsuit area.

"I'm taking it with me, obviously."

"There's no WAY he's leaving without it!"

Now you might be saying to yourself, But...stealing is wrong! and you'd be correct. Mostly. There are situations that warrant a little misdemeanor larceny. Some even that demand it. This was one of those times. If police had been present they surely would have applauded me and told everyone to calm down and, if it came to it, stand in front of a judge and declare my actions naught but joy filled shenanigans. Though of course I'm not sure how shenanigans are covered under the law. Does the 3 strikes rule come into play? Are previous shenanigans held against you or in your favor? It's a mystery.

Anyway, we paid for our booze (a noble act on our part, I feel) and headed for the door.

One of the still stunned employees blurted out, "So...you're taking the hat?"

"Yeah. Later."

So I told you all of that to tell you this. I got this cool plastic pirate hat now. It's awesome.

Is that Henry Rollins in pink sweatpants?

If you can pine for someone or something can you also elm for them/it? Douglas fir? When does it get dirty? Baby I oaked for you all day. What'd you do last night? Redwooded for your fine ass. I'm curious as to how it works.



My petition to the FDA to have fire reclassified as a vitamin on the grounds that nutrition should be awesome is still being ignored. On an unrelated note, this weird black van has started following me everywhere.



I'm still afraid of Skynet. Moreso now than ever before.



I like to come up with answers in advance to questions you get asked a lot. For the inevitable interview question, "What is your biggest weakness?" I've settled on "Kryptonite, tough gal reporters and kneeling before Zod."



The Fuck should be a unit of measure.



I want to buy a motorized scooter they make for the elderly and try to sign up for marathons in it.



Should I be concerned about the number of conversations I start with, "So when the zombies come..."?



I've recently started calling people gormless. I think it needs to make a comeback. Bonus, no one will know what you're talking about. I've gotten my nephew doing it...to his teachers.



"Biggest strength?" "Collapsing probability waveforms."



I am unbeatable at Scene it. Got that? UNBEATABLE!



I want to heckle someone during sex. "Boo! You're terrible at this! I've seen sexier shit in midget porn!" Something along those lines. Just have to remember to cover anything easily hurt and run before they can find anything sharp.



Great way to get out of a stupid conversation: After the other person prattles on for a few sentences stop them and say "Wait, I thought we were talking about my penis. What are you on about?" They'll leave you alone after that.



"Unique quality you can bring to our company?" "Gibbering madness. IA! IA! Cthulhu fhtagn!"



I'm still not on myspace or facebook or twitter. I win. Yay me.