I've been thinking recently about how much faster I used to read compared with how fast I read now. I've been telling myself that I do it on purpose so that I can better appreciate the words and what they mean and what they might mean and this or that string of words is something to be savored slowly. Better, thought I, to walk through the lovely garden to better see and examine all the flowers individually than to run through so I could see the next garden because it too is lovely and perhaps the one after that is more lovely still. This is what I've been telling myself.
This morning I started wondering if it was actually true.
Did you know that if you tell yourself something over and over again eventually you can convince yourself that it's true and you will believe it even if it isn't? I read a study a couple of years back that found that every person in the world has memories of things that never happened owing to this type of thing. All of us. So I wondered about this in relation to my reading (thinking about it in relation to every memory I have will do nothing but drive me further down the road to crazy town) and decided to put it to the test.
I snatched a book off the top of a stack this morning and dove in with the intent to read it fast. Fast fast. Like old times fast with the pedal to the floor like the devil was on my tail.
Oy.
A couple of hours later I was done and realized I hadn't enjoyed it much. Not nearly as much as was warranted. I felt kind of bleh and my eyes hurt. It's late at night now and they STILL hurt. Bad idea all the way around. What the hell was I thinking? It seems so idiotic now. I can't ever read the book again for the first time and my eyes hurt all the live long day. Nitwit.
Anyway, I told you that to tell you this:
Walk, don't run.
Stop and look around sometimes.
Sit down and think on it for a good long while.
There's no need to race especially if you're the only one on the road.
Enjoy your journeys even when it means you're going to have fewer of them.
Good night.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
Five Things IV: The Revenge
It occurs to me that I like things. A lot of things. Sometimes when I'm filled with the desire to punish myself I'll try to talk to people about some of the things I like. Turns out that even when people like things that are awesome (everything I like is automatically awesome based on the fact that I like it) they are still morons. Is it enough that they like awesome things? No, no it is not. I give you:
Five things I like that I hate the other fans of
1. Tool. We've talked about Tool before and you know that of all the bands actively making music today they are my favorite. Their other fans are mostly annoying idiots. To say nothing of the usual shit you have to hear after the release of each new album, IE, that they've started to suck (this is not, of course, unique to Tool as it happens to every band ever) which is annoying but not as annoying as those that continue being fans.
They completely miss the point which is impressive because there tend to be several points and they tend to be pretty fucking big. I don't even know that much about musical theory but I know that Tool does and that they push boundaries on virtually every song. Each member is highly skilled, particularly the drummer who is on a whole other level and the singer wields his voice like an instrument. A lot of singers claim to do this but very few actually do. Their disregard for conventional songwriting and the ridiculous amount of layers to the songs and hot damn is this shit amazing.
Then you hear someone talk about them and it's idiotic nitwittery at its finest. No appreciation for any of the subtle work involved, no understanding of the lyrics. Nothing. At the other end of the spectrum are the freaks that will tell you that they astral project and meet Adam Jones in the astral plane where they make sweet monkey love for days at a time.
I'm sorry, what? OK you twits, do less drugs. Ugh, I fucking hate them all.
2. Neil Gaiman. I've been a Gaiman fan since way back when he took over Miracleman from Alan Moore (this series is easily one of the best ever, bar none) and I've been hooked ever since. Black Orchid, Sandman, Books of Magic, the short stories and the novels and oh my is this guy the best story teller of this generation? He just might be.
I've run into other fans from time to time but when he came to a local convention and did some panels and signings I got to see lots of his fans right up close. It's not pretty. They tend to be one of two types, either a drooling Sandman fan or a drooling American Gods fan. Emphasis on the drool. The Sandman fan can also be a Death fan complete with an outfit to match and bad hair dye and eye makeup and both types will go on and on about their chosen obsession and after listening to them for several minutes you realize they haven't actually said anything.
It's like they try to make the rest of us look bad.
There he was sitting on the stage and being charmingly British and they asked a bunch of insipid questions and the rest of the crowd was hanging onto each word because it was the same question they were going to ask. Refer back to people missing the point by a country mile. If you get into a discussion about the influences of different Sandman story lines or his obviously large knowledge of myth and folklore that displays itself in his prose writing you get blank looks from these people. I don't want to hate, they MAKE me hate.
3. Fight Club. Now I enjoyed both the book and the film but unfortunately so did a bunch of other people. Mostly middle class white kids that didn't understand either book or movie and then thought that being fans of one or the other made them transform into tough guys. Sorry suburban white kid, you're still a fucking douche that couldn't win a real fight if the other guy was tied down.
For years I was subjected to hearing these idiots quoting Tyler Durden and puffing out their chests and if you ever actually ask one of them if they realize that the story isn't really about Tyler Durden at all you'll get nothing but blank or confused looks. I wanted to punch every one of them that I came in contact with so bad that thinking about it made my pant covered area tingle.
No offense white folks but most of you are seriously, SERIOUSLY fucking irritating.
4. Literature. When I say literature I mean the kind of books you have to read in school. You know the stuff, gets its own section in most book stores so it doesn't have to rub elbows with regular or, God forbid, genre fiction. The other people that like this tend to fall into one of several categories and all of them are annoying on a level that makes me itch for violence.
There are the people that read it but don't understand it yet act as though they do and are vastly more superior than other people. These are easy to spot because they can't actually have a conversation about literature but they'll still attempt to look down their noses at you after you've discovered that they are brain dead.
Then you have the type that will only read literature and would never dare stoop to reading anything else. These are the bulk of them from what I've seen and if one of them accidentally reads something else and it turns out to be good then they all adopt the writer as one of their own but will still be snooty about the way that they "slum" in the wretched ghetto of genre fiction. Ray Bradbury is one example of this.
The thing about both of these groups is that a lot of them will only read the most famous stuff and disregard the rest. For example they will read Orwell's 1984 and Animal Farm but not The Clergyman's Daughter or his essays or they will read Heller's Catch-22 but none of his other books. This makes zero sense to me and I can never get a good explanation out of any of them. If you say that Writer A is great and that their Book A is great then why wouldn't you actively seek out their other work? How far up your own ass is your head buried? Can you actually taste your own esophagus yet? It doesn't make any damn sense!
5. Oxygen. Everywhere I go I see herds of useless people sucking up all the oxygen. Do they appreciate it on the level that I do? No. But there they go, using it all up and continuing on with their lives.
Fuckers.
Five things I like that I hate the other fans of
1. Tool. We've talked about Tool before and you know that of all the bands actively making music today they are my favorite. Their other fans are mostly annoying idiots. To say nothing of the usual shit you have to hear after the release of each new album, IE, that they've started to suck (this is not, of course, unique to Tool as it happens to every band ever) which is annoying but not as annoying as those that continue being fans.
They completely miss the point which is impressive because there tend to be several points and they tend to be pretty fucking big. I don't even know that much about musical theory but I know that Tool does and that they push boundaries on virtually every song. Each member is highly skilled, particularly the drummer who is on a whole other level and the singer wields his voice like an instrument. A lot of singers claim to do this but very few actually do. Their disregard for conventional songwriting and the ridiculous amount of layers to the songs and hot damn is this shit amazing.
Then you hear someone talk about them and it's idiotic nitwittery at its finest. No appreciation for any of the subtle work involved, no understanding of the lyrics. Nothing. At the other end of the spectrum are the freaks that will tell you that they astral project and meet Adam Jones in the astral plane where they make sweet monkey love for days at a time.
I'm sorry, what? OK you twits, do less drugs. Ugh, I fucking hate them all.
2. Neil Gaiman. I've been a Gaiman fan since way back when he took over Miracleman from Alan Moore (this series is easily one of the best ever, bar none) and I've been hooked ever since. Black Orchid, Sandman, Books of Magic, the short stories and the novels and oh my is this guy the best story teller of this generation? He just might be.
I've run into other fans from time to time but when he came to a local convention and did some panels and signings I got to see lots of his fans right up close. It's not pretty. They tend to be one of two types, either a drooling Sandman fan or a drooling American Gods fan. Emphasis on the drool. The Sandman fan can also be a Death fan complete with an outfit to match and bad hair dye and eye makeup and both types will go on and on about their chosen obsession and after listening to them for several minutes you realize they haven't actually said anything.
It's like they try to make the rest of us look bad.
There he was sitting on the stage and being charmingly British and they asked a bunch of insipid questions and the rest of the crowd was hanging onto each word because it was the same question they were going to ask. Refer back to people missing the point by a country mile. If you get into a discussion about the influences of different Sandman story lines or his obviously large knowledge of myth and folklore that displays itself in his prose writing you get blank looks from these people. I don't want to hate, they MAKE me hate.
3. Fight Club. Now I enjoyed both the book and the film but unfortunately so did a bunch of other people. Mostly middle class white kids that didn't understand either book or movie and then thought that being fans of one or the other made them transform into tough guys. Sorry suburban white kid, you're still a fucking douche that couldn't win a real fight if the other guy was tied down.
For years I was subjected to hearing these idiots quoting Tyler Durden and puffing out their chests and if you ever actually ask one of them if they realize that the story isn't really about Tyler Durden at all you'll get nothing but blank or confused looks. I wanted to punch every one of them that I came in contact with so bad that thinking about it made my pant covered area tingle.
No offense white folks but most of you are seriously, SERIOUSLY fucking irritating.
4. Literature. When I say literature I mean the kind of books you have to read in school. You know the stuff, gets its own section in most book stores so it doesn't have to rub elbows with regular or, God forbid, genre fiction. The other people that like this tend to fall into one of several categories and all of them are annoying on a level that makes me itch for violence.
There are the people that read it but don't understand it yet act as though they do and are vastly more superior than other people. These are easy to spot because they can't actually have a conversation about literature but they'll still attempt to look down their noses at you after you've discovered that they are brain dead.
Then you have the type that will only read literature and would never dare stoop to reading anything else. These are the bulk of them from what I've seen and if one of them accidentally reads something else and it turns out to be good then they all adopt the writer as one of their own but will still be snooty about the way that they "slum" in the wretched ghetto of genre fiction. Ray Bradbury is one example of this.
The thing about both of these groups is that a lot of them will only read the most famous stuff and disregard the rest. For example they will read Orwell's 1984 and Animal Farm but not The Clergyman's Daughter or his essays or they will read Heller's Catch-22 but none of his other books. This makes zero sense to me and I can never get a good explanation out of any of them. If you say that Writer A is great and that their Book A is great then why wouldn't you actively seek out their other work? How far up your own ass is your head buried? Can you actually taste your own esophagus yet? It doesn't make any damn sense!
5. Oxygen. Everywhere I go I see herds of useless people sucking up all the oxygen. Do they appreciate it on the level that I do? No. But there they go, using it all up and continuing on with their lives.
Fuckers.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Guess who's still a geek
If you said me, you're right. I know that some of you enjoy reading and some of you enjoy it in any form so I thought I'd drop an update on some very good comics that I have either just discovered for myself or have started getting monthly. As usual if you are one of those idiots that looks down your nose at comics and the people that read them then stop reading and kindly fuck off. We don't want any of your ignorant snobbery dripping on our comics.
Y: The Last Man
This is a title that has been around for a while now and I picked up the first collection, loved the hell out of it and decided that they would all be mine. Oh yes, they will. This is an award winning and ridiculously acclaimed story that starts with the deaths of every male mammal on earth except Yorick Brown and his monkey. Vertigo puts this out monthly and is supposed to run for 60 issues. Like many Vertigo titles there are no capes and super powers here but there is a fantastic story that is packed with layers and layers of yum. Highly recommended.
Buffy Season 8
Buffy the Vampire Slayer went off the air several years ago and a part of me died that day. The show was always one of the most intelligently written on TV and I missed it immensely. JossWhedon then announced that he would do season 8 of the show as a comic book series. After the spontaneous orgasm passed I started getting it. It is everything that the show was and more. There are no budget constraints so the only limit is Whedon's imagination (which followers of Buffy, Angel, Firefly, etc will tell you is abundant). His writing is still sharp and it was great dropping in on the characters again. So far 5 issues have come out and originally it was supposed to go for 20 or so but the ideas just kept coming and now has ballooned to 50+ in short order.
Keep them coming Joss. As long as you do it I'll keep buying it.
The Boys
This is the new series from Garth Ennis (Preacher) with art by Darick Robertson (Transmetropolitan). Let that sink in for a minute. You want it now don't you? I knew you would. Anyway the series is about a CIA backed squad in a world where heroes are plentiful (more so than in a "normal" comic universe) and they sometimes need to be watched, kept in line or even killed. Not the villains mind you, the heroes. Ennis has said that this book will "Out-Preacher Preacher" and if that doesn't do it for you, you're dead inside.
It was first published by Wildstorm (owned by DC) but was dropped after 6 issues due to what they thought of as antisuperhero writing. I think they missed the point. It's more a deconstruction of the superhero myth (kind of like Miracleman but not as, y'know, Alan Moore) than anything else. They agreed to let them take the book elsewhere and publication has resumed this month with #7. A collection of the first six issues is out now. Go get it.
Fell
This is the new title by Warren Ellis (HellBlazer, Transmetropolitan, The Authority, Planetary, c'mon, it's Warren fucking Ellis) about detective Richard Fell. He is one of "three and a half" cops working in Snowtown which is like the worst crime city in the world multiplied by 10. It is strange, it is weird, it is surreal and you absolutely should be reading it. It is so much more than I can explain to you here. The first collection with the first 8 issues is out now and the series is monthly.
And now a few mainstream things that I'm into even though I'm not going to get back into the mainstream ever. Follow me, it'll make sense in a minute.
Matt Wagner (Grendel, Mage) has done two limited series in the early stages of Batman's career. He takes a very pulpy kind of attitude but with a very real Matt Wagner angle to it. If you understand that then you'll love these. None of the bad guys you know and love (Batman has always had the very best rogue's gallery) have appeared yet but I think if he does another one that they will start popping in.
Both minis are collected and they are Batman and the Monster Men and Batman and the Mad Monk. Both up to the high standard that anyone would expect from this giant of the field.
DC has also started two series based on their biggest icons but they are series that aren't really inside the normal universe of either of them. For both they have brought together one well known and respected writer and one well known and respected artist and let them loose to do their thing. The results are All Star Batman by Frank Miller (!!!!) and Jim Lee and All Star Superman by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely.
The Batman series is very much a Frank Miller Batman series and is set, it seems to me, very much in his Dark Knight universe and not in standard DC continuity. He's gotten some flak for his portrayal of this or that thing or character but what the hell did you expect when you saw a Batman book with Miller's name on it? Nitwits.
The Superman series won an Eisner award and is so good it'll make your toes curl. New life into the Man of Steel? Believe it.
There you have it, for now. Get you to a comic shop and get some or all of these grabtacular things. Go on, I'll wait.
Y: The Last Man
This is a title that has been around for a while now and I picked up the first collection, loved the hell out of it and decided that they would all be mine. Oh yes, they will. This is an award winning and ridiculously acclaimed story that starts with the deaths of every male mammal on earth except Yorick Brown and his monkey. Vertigo puts this out monthly and is supposed to run for 60 issues. Like many Vertigo titles there are no capes and super powers here but there is a fantastic story that is packed with layers and layers of yum. Highly recommended.
Buffy Season 8
Buffy the Vampire Slayer went off the air several years ago and a part of me died that day. The show was always one of the most intelligently written on TV and I missed it immensely. JossWhedon then announced that he would do season 8 of the show as a comic book series. After the spontaneous orgasm passed I started getting it. It is everything that the show was and more. There are no budget constraints so the only limit is Whedon's imagination (which followers of Buffy, Angel, Firefly, etc will tell you is abundant). His writing is still sharp and it was great dropping in on the characters again. So far 5 issues have come out and originally it was supposed to go for 20 or so but the ideas just kept coming and now has ballooned to 50+ in short order.
Keep them coming Joss. As long as you do it I'll keep buying it.
The Boys
This is the new series from Garth Ennis (Preacher) with art by Darick Robertson (Transmetropolitan). Let that sink in for a minute. You want it now don't you? I knew you would. Anyway the series is about a CIA backed squad in a world where heroes are plentiful (more so than in a "normal" comic universe) and they sometimes need to be watched, kept in line or even killed. Not the villains mind you, the heroes. Ennis has said that this book will "Out-Preacher Preacher" and if that doesn't do it for you, you're dead inside.
It was first published by Wildstorm (owned by DC) but was dropped after 6 issues due to what they thought of as antisuperhero writing. I think they missed the point. It's more a deconstruction of the superhero myth (kind of like Miracleman but not as, y'know, Alan Moore) than anything else. They agreed to let them take the book elsewhere and publication has resumed this month with #7. A collection of the first six issues is out now. Go get it.
Fell
This is the new title by Warren Ellis (HellBlazer, Transmetropolitan, The Authority, Planetary, c'mon, it's Warren fucking Ellis) about detective Richard Fell. He is one of "three and a half" cops working in Snowtown which is like the worst crime city in the world multiplied by 10. It is strange, it is weird, it is surreal and you absolutely should be reading it. It is so much more than I can explain to you here. The first collection with the first 8 issues is out now and the series is monthly.
And now a few mainstream things that I'm into even though I'm not going to get back into the mainstream ever. Follow me, it'll make sense in a minute.
Matt Wagner (Grendel, Mage) has done two limited series in the early stages of Batman's career. He takes a very pulpy kind of attitude but with a very real Matt Wagner angle to it. If you understand that then you'll love these. None of the bad guys you know and love (Batman has always had the very best rogue's gallery) have appeared yet but I think if he does another one that they will start popping in.
Both minis are collected and they are Batman and the Monster Men and Batman and the Mad Monk. Both up to the high standard that anyone would expect from this giant of the field.
DC has also started two series based on their biggest icons but they are series that aren't really inside the normal universe of either of them. For both they have brought together one well known and respected writer and one well known and respected artist and let them loose to do their thing. The results are All Star Batman by Frank Miller (!!!!) and Jim Lee and All Star Superman by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely.
The Batman series is very much a Frank Miller Batman series and is set, it seems to me, very much in his Dark Knight universe and not in standard DC continuity. He's gotten some flak for his portrayal of this or that thing or character but what the hell did you expect when you saw a Batman book with Miller's name on it? Nitwits.
The Superman series won an Eisner award and is so good it'll make your toes curl. New life into the Man of Steel? Believe it.
There you have it, for now. Get you to a comic shop and get some or all of these grabtacular things. Go on, I'll wait.
Monday, June 18, 2007
So I'm a little late to the party
First a little background. I read. A lot. By that I mean that I read far far more than a regular person does. It borders on obsession I'm told. I've read and I own more books than anyone I know (and I know some very literate people), I have multiple library cards and so on and so on and so on. I told you that to tell you this:
I've never read those Harry Potter books.
So I've decided to do that now. I have to know what made what is probably the most illiterate generation in a "civilized" country in a long long time turn off the TV, put down the gamepad, sign out of AIM and pull out the earbuds in order to actually read something. Anything that can do that seemingly miraculous thing is something that I should read because the result is something that I am very much for. Pro-that. Yay that. It's a thing that made an entire generation that looked at books with confusion at best and outright disdain at worst actually read something. I'm still amazed by it.
Normally I don't fall into the hype pit. You couldn't make me read The Da Vinci Code at gunpoint. G'head, shoot me motherfucker I ain't doin' it. I don't watch reality TV. I mostly avoid bestsellers as a rule. When the hype machine gets going I tend to get wary. I see this a little differently and I'll tell you why.
First, it got very good reviews even before it exploded. Sure a lot of the later reviews and probably many of the awards were a result of the insane sales figures but it did get praise before then. This is key.
Second, I've seen several writers who I like give it a thumbs up and that is one of the major ways that I find new writers. If someone whose work I enjoy likes your work then maybe I should be checking it out. It usually doesn't let me down though obviously it isn't ironclad. I did find my favorite writer this way so it's a going to be company policy for the foreseeable future.
Third, it made a lot of "real" writers very weepy and bitchtastic. I clearly remember when the bestseller list was clogged with the name Rowling in the top 4 spots. Number 1 was her 4th, number 2 was her 3rd and so on. This made the "real" writers so angry that they banded together and got them kicked off of the list completely. The top four spots were vacated and everyone moved up four places. Rowling's 5th and 6th book didn't appear on the list either even though they were the top sellers for long and long and her forthcoming book will not appear on it either.
This is such dizzying bullshit that it makes me nauseous.
The thing it most reminds me of is when Neil Gaiman won the World Fantasy Award for best short story. He won it for one issue of a comic book series that he wrote. The "real" writers nearly had strokes when they were beaten by a lowly and unworthy comic book writer. They banded together and got the rules changed so that a comic book would never win again.
Y'know guys, if you were better writers you might win more awards and sell more books. Maybe if you spent as much time and energy and displayed the same amount of passion in your work as you do trying to piss on the work of others you would actually be as good as you clearly think you are. Fuck you all. Each and every one of you.
Lastly, refer back to the part where it got millions of slack jawed, mouth breathing, barely literate imbeciles to pick up a book, finish it and then clamor for more.
So yeah, I'm going to be doing that.
I've never read those Harry Potter books.
So I've decided to do that now. I have to know what made what is probably the most illiterate generation in a "civilized" country in a long long time turn off the TV, put down the gamepad, sign out of AIM and pull out the earbuds in order to actually read something. Anything that can do that seemingly miraculous thing is something that I should read because the result is something that I am very much for. Pro-that. Yay that. It's a thing that made an entire generation that looked at books with confusion at best and outright disdain at worst actually read something. I'm still amazed by it.
Normally I don't fall into the hype pit. You couldn't make me read The Da Vinci Code at gunpoint. G'head, shoot me motherfucker I ain't doin' it. I don't watch reality TV. I mostly avoid bestsellers as a rule. When the hype machine gets going I tend to get wary. I see this a little differently and I'll tell you why.
First, it got very good reviews even before it exploded. Sure a lot of the later reviews and probably many of the awards were a result of the insane sales figures but it did get praise before then. This is key.
Second, I've seen several writers who I like give it a thumbs up and that is one of the major ways that I find new writers. If someone whose work I enjoy likes your work then maybe I should be checking it out. It usually doesn't let me down though obviously it isn't ironclad. I did find my favorite writer this way so it's a going to be company policy for the foreseeable future.
Third, it made a lot of "real" writers very weepy and bitchtastic. I clearly remember when the bestseller list was clogged with the name Rowling in the top 4 spots. Number 1 was her 4th, number 2 was her 3rd and so on. This made the "real" writers so angry that they banded together and got them kicked off of the list completely. The top four spots were vacated and everyone moved up four places. Rowling's 5th and 6th book didn't appear on the list either even though they were the top sellers for long and long and her forthcoming book will not appear on it either.
This is such dizzying bullshit that it makes me nauseous.
The thing it most reminds me of is when Neil Gaiman won the World Fantasy Award for best short story. He won it for one issue of a comic book series that he wrote. The "real" writers nearly had strokes when they were beaten by a lowly and unworthy comic book writer. They banded together and got the rules changed so that a comic book would never win again.
Y'know guys, if you were better writers you might win more awards and sell more books. Maybe if you spent as much time and energy and displayed the same amount of passion in your work as you do trying to piss on the work of others you would actually be as good as you clearly think you are. Fuck you all. Each and every one of you.
Lastly, refer back to the part where it got millions of slack jawed, mouth breathing, barely literate imbeciles to pick up a book, finish it and then clamor for more.
So yeah, I'm going to be doing that.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Excuse me while I engage in a small bit of idol worship
Normally I don't bother to mention much day to day stuff unless it's funny or I need to rant and normally I wouldn't make a post for a concert because they're just, y'know, things that people do, but this is a special occasion. For me anyway.
Tool played my city last Friday and holy shit were they amazing.
Again, under normal circumstances I wouldn't mention it but for my money Tool is the best band going now. Not the best ever of course but they are my favorite band that is still making new music. I think every member is gifted and most of them are far beyond anything else going today. If they played here every week then every week I'd make one of these gushing like a fanboy. I just can't help it and I don't really want to.
Anyway, some band from Tokyo called Melt Banana opened the show and they were loud and they were fast. I don't know if I'll be buying anything of theirs but I enjoyed their set.
Tool came on and melted my face and I love it and begged for more more MORE. The set list was:
Jambi
Stinkfist
Forty Six & 2
Schism
Rosetta Stoned
Flood
Wings for Marie Pt. 1
10000 Days (Wings Pt. 2)
Lateralus
Vicarious
How many bands can get away with playing only ten songs at a concert and still leave the crowd satisfied? And believe me I was satisfied. Half the set is new stuff but I love the new album so I was well pleased. The only times that the crowd was spoken to was to give us a Hello Baltimore right after the first song and then we were asked to give a moment of silence and when we got really quiet he said "For Paris Hilton. This next song is for her." at which point Stinkfist started and then right before Vicarious we were thanked very profusely for not using flash photography and screwing up their concentration. Anything for you guys. Seriously, anything. You want my pants? I'll give them to you. I mean it.
After Flood a whole kind of ambient noise thing started and the band was on and off the stage sitting on the riser that Danny Carey's drums and Maynard's mic were on and so forth. The roadies brought the opening band's drum kit back out and after about ten minutes of the weird (but pleasant) noise thing Danny got back into his kit and the opening band's drummer came out to his kit and they tore into a two drum kit solo that was AWESOME. Very dueling drums kind of thing going back and forth getting more and more complicated and faster until the end where they were playing together (but not the same) and ended with a crash like Zeus throwing thunderbolts into your brain. Absolutely stunning.
I'm almost finished gushing, I swear.
You may not know but the 2 Wings songs are about Maynard's mother and her death. I don't know how he gets through them without weeping. I can't imagine what it's like to hear the crowd singing along with you during songs this personal and all but screaming her name where he drops it in the lyrics. I'd probably have a nervous breakdown before the tour was over.
I know it was a great show because people kept asking me why I was smiling and mentioning how weird it was to see me doing it so much for no apparent reason. Here's hoping they don't wait another 5 years to release a new disc and go back on tour.
OK, I'm finished with my Tool worship and we return you to our regularly scheduled programming now.
Tool played my city last Friday and holy shit were they amazing.
Again, under normal circumstances I wouldn't mention it but for my money Tool is the best band going now. Not the best ever of course but they are my favorite band that is still making new music. I think every member is gifted and most of them are far beyond anything else going today. If they played here every week then every week I'd make one of these gushing like a fanboy. I just can't help it and I don't really want to.
Anyway, some band from Tokyo called Melt Banana opened the show and they were loud and they were fast. I don't know if I'll be buying anything of theirs but I enjoyed their set.
Tool came on and melted my face and I love it and begged for more more MORE. The set list was:
Jambi
Stinkfist
Forty Six & 2
Schism
Rosetta Stoned
Flood
Wings for Marie Pt. 1
10000 Days (Wings Pt. 2)
Lateralus
Vicarious
How many bands can get away with playing only ten songs at a concert and still leave the crowd satisfied? And believe me I was satisfied. Half the set is new stuff but I love the new album so I was well pleased. The only times that the crowd was spoken to was to give us a Hello Baltimore right after the first song and then we were asked to give a moment of silence and when we got really quiet he said "For Paris Hilton. This next song is for her." at which point Stinkfist started and then right before Vicarious we were thanked very profusely for not using flash photography and screwing up their concentration. Anything for you guys. Seriously, anything. You want my pants? I'll give them to you. I mean it.
After Flood a whole kind of ambient noise thing started and the band was on and off the stage sitting on the riser that Danny Carey's drums and Maynard's mic were on and so forth. The roadies brought the opening band's drum kit back out and after about ten minutes of the weird (but pleasant) noise thing Danny got back into his kit and the opening band's drummer came out to his kit and they tore into a two drum kit solo that was AWESOME. Very dueling drums kind of thing going back and forth getting more and more complicated and faster until the end where they were playing together (but not the same) and ended with a crash like Zeus throwing thunderbolts into your brain. Absolutely stunning.
I'm almost finished gushing, I swear.
You may not know but the 2 Wings songs are about Maynard's mother and her death. I don't know how he gets through them without weeping. I can't imagine what it's like to hear the crowd singing along with you during songs this personal and all but screaming her name where he drops it in the lyrics. I'd probably have a nervous breakdown before the tour was over.
I know it was a great show because people kept asking me why I was smiling and mentioning how weird it was to see me doing it so much for no apparent reason. Here's hoping they don't wait another 5 years to release a new disc and go back on tour.
OK, I'm finished with my Tool worship and we return you to our regularly scheduled programming now.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
She didn't say "Take off most of your clothes."
So I went to get some medical attention recently and it's been pointed out to me that I may have done something, well, untoward. I maintain that I did nothing wrong. You decide!
So I haven't been to a doctor in something like 6 or 7 years (I know, I know. Shut it.) so I made an appointment and they told me that they'd like to schedule a physical type appointment. I said fine and all was well. I turn up at the office on the day and fill out the standard paper work. Some of the questions on the forms are still wonderfully confusing just like I remember. (Yes I did sneeze during the last full moon while having a beer scratching my neck. Why? Does that mean something? TELL ME!)
Anyway, I get called back and a nice nurse lady takes my blood pressure (do they have to make that cuff so tight that I can actually feel my eyes start to bulge?) makes a few jokes, is so adorable I could just eat her up and then tells me to take off my clothes. Not in the good way though. She hands me a paper gown and a paper sheet and tells me to take off my clothes and put the gown on with the opening in front. The sheet, she says, is to lay across my lap. Out she goes and I do as instructed, taking off my clothes. All of them.
The rest of the appointment is uneventful. I talk to the woman I made the trip to see, she asks questions, she makes comments, she takes notes, blah blah blah. At one point she does a joint test and has my legs up in the air. Fat lot of good the paper sheet was doing me then.
She steps out and sends in another nurse who does another test. She decides to adjust my sheet by lifting it a foot and a half upward and laying it back down in a different area. Totally uneccessary and clearly just trying to eyeball my doodads. I said nothing as I didn't care. Refer back to me not having any shame. She leaves and the first lady comes back and, well, long story short they all got a look at my junk. It's been a while since that many people have seen my balls in a single day lemme tell ya. A long while.
But I told you all that to tell you this:
That weekend when asked how it went and I tell the story everyone I tell it to looks at me funny. Invariably I hear some variation of, "You were supposed to leave your underwear on." This confused me as I was given a sheet with the clear instructions to put it over my lap. Why would I need the sheet if I'm wearing underwear? That makes no sense to me. Did three people get a free look at my business when they weren't supposed to? Should I pretend to find this anything but amusing? Luckily I was in good shape maintenance wise. Y'know, shorn.
Yeah, you're thinking about that now and you can't stop.
Awesome.
So I haven't been to a doctor in something like 6 or 7 years (I know, I know. Shut it.) so I made an appointment and they told me that they'd like to schedule a physical type appointment. I said fine and all was well. I turn up at the office on the day and fill out the standard paper work. Some of the questions on the forms are still wonderfully confusing just like I remember. (Yes I did sneeze during the last full moon while having a beer scratching my neck. Why? Does that mean something? TELL ME!)
Anyway, I get called back and a nice nurse lady takes my blood pressure (do they have to make that cuff so tight that I can actually feel my eyes start to bulge?) makes a few jokes, is so adorable I could just eat her up and then tells me to take off my clothes. Not in the good way though. She hands me a paper gown and a paper sheet and tells me to take off my clothes and put the gown on with the opening in front. The sheet, she says, is to lay across my lap. Out she goes and I do as instructed, taking off my clothes. All of them.
The rest of the appointment is uneventful. I talk to the woman I made the trip to see, she asks questions, she makes comments, she takes notes, blah blah blah. At one point she does a joint test and has my legs up in the air. Fat lot of good the paper sheet was doing me then.
She steps out and sends in another nurse who does another test. She decides to adjust my sheet by lifting it a foot and a half upward and laying it back down in a different area. Totally uneccessary and clearly just trying to eyeball my doodads. I said nothing as I didn't care. Refer back to me not having any shame. She leaves and the first lady comes back and, well, long story short they all got a look at my junk. It's been a while since that many people have seen my balls in a single day lemme tell ya. A long while.
But I told you all that to tell you this:
That weekend when asked how it went and I tell the story everyone I tell it to looks at me funny. Invariably I hear some variation of, "You were supposed to leave your underwear on." This confused me as I was given a sheet with the clear instructions to put it over my lap. Why would I need the sheet if I'm wearing underwear? That makes no sense to me. Did three people get a free look at my business when they weren't supposed to? Should I pretend to find this anything but amusing? Luckily I was in good shape maintenance wise. Y'know, shorn.
Yeah, you're thinking about that now and you can't stop.
Awesome.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Five Things III: The Curse of Five Things
High up in our royal tower we have heard your cries. "Tell us more things," you said. "Five more things to be precise." We have heard you and we humbly submit to the will of the people. We give you:
Five things you may or may not know about me
1. I have a little OCD. This, to the uninitiated, is obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't have the full on walk around all day with rubber gloves on, takes me an hour to get out of bed because I have to time my right foot to hit the ground as the second hand on the clock hits 12 while blinking, exhaling and feeling my heart beat in my left fingertips or I have to start all over. It's mostly either amusing or annoying with the occasional foray into "What the hell?"
The volume of the radio in my vehicle has to be set on an even number or a number divisible by five. I have stopped the car and made people get out because they couldn't understand that no, I don't think it's fucking funny when you turn the knob to 13.
Right shoe first, left shoe second. No exceptions.
For the most part my food can't be allowed to touch. When I see people just pile food on top of food on a plate that shit drives me crazy. It is not uncommon for me to need several plates to eat dinner. Not because I eat that much but because I need that much open space to make sure there's no suspicious activity going on among the foodstuffs.
It's exhausting.
2. I sing Christmas carols in the summer. Exclusively. I'm not going to be told when I can and can not sing these songs. Who do you think you are? I'll do it when I damn well please!
3. Sneezing makes me angry. All jokes aside sneezing really pisses me off. One sneeze is fine but I have some allergies and sometimes it is a fucking machine gun of sneezing. By the third I am perturbed, by the fifth I am genuinely angry. If it becomes, as it sometimes does, a long chain of them or numerous long chains of them then it's Hulk smash time. Truly impressive floods of profanity in between nasal explosions and sometimes breaking shit or when some idiot thinks it's funny to say something along the lines of, "OK, that's enough" you get the rare bit of violence.
I fucking hate sneezing and I have no idea why.
4. I like bad music. Not that I dislike good music. Far from it. I just also like bad music. At least I'm told by lots of people that it's bad. I don't really care one way or the other as I think it's awesome. I don't mean the shit that's just awful like Nickelback or Justin Timberlake that is the musical equivalent of packing your ears with human feces. I mean stuff like hair metal or 80's pop rock. When the Bangles come on the radio (and there is a station or two that will play them from time to time) it's a fucking party for the duration of that song.
I will not be shamed by this. I have no guilt and therefore no guilty pleasures. I have only pleasures thank you very much.
5. I am the boss of you. Yes you. You right there. I am the boss of you. Yes, yes I am. Shaking your head won't make it stop being true. I am the boss of you. A few of you already knew this as we have either discussed it before or you have willingly acknowledged my boss of you-ness before I had to say it. For the rest of you if you were wondering who the boss of you is, it's me. The boss of you.
Now take off your pants and go make me a sandwich.
Five things you may or may not know about me
1. I have a little OCD. This, to the uninitiated, is obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't have the full on walk around all day with rubber gloves on, takes me an hour to get out of bed because I have to time my right foot to hit the ground as the second hand on the clock hits 12 while blinking, exhaling and feeling my heart beat in my left fingertips or I have to start all over. It's mostly either amusing or annoying with the occasional foray into "What the hell?"
The volume of the radio in my vehicle has to be set on an even number or a number divisible by five. I have stopped the car and made people get out because they couldn't understand that no, I don't think it's fucking funny when you turn the knob to 13.
Right shoe first, left shoe second. No exceptions.
For the most part my food can't be allowed to touch. When I see people just pile food on top of food on a plate that shit drives me crazy. It is not uncommon for me to need several plates to eat dinner. Not because I eat that much but because I need that much open space to make sure there's no suspicious activity going on among the foodstuffs.
It's exhausting.
2. I sing Christmas carols in the summer. Exclusively. I'm not going to be told when I can and can not sing these songs. Who do you think you are? I'll do it when I damn well please!
3. Sneezing makes me angry. All jokes aside sneezing really pisses me off. One sneeze is fine but I have some allergies and sometimes it is a fucking machine gun of sneezing. By the third I am perturbed, by the fifth I am genuinely angry. If it becomes, as it sometimes does, a long chain of them or numerous long chains of them then it's Hulk smash time. Truly impressive floods of profanity in between nasal explosions and sometimes breaking shit or when some idiot thinks it's funny to say something along the lines of, "OK, that's enough" you get the rare bit of violence.
I fucking hate sneezing and I have no idea why.
4. I like bad music. Not that I dislike good music. Far from it. I just also like bad music. At least I'm told by lots of people that it's bad. I don't really care one way or the other as I think it's awesome. I don't mean the shit that's just awful like Nickelback or Justin Timberlake that is the musical equivalent of packing your ears with human feces. I mean stuff like hair metal or 80's pop rock. When the Bangles come on the radio (and there is a station or two that will play them from time to time) it's a fucking party for the duration of that song.
I will not be shamed by this. I have no guilt and therefore no guilty pleasures. I have only pleasures thank you very much.
5. I am the boss of you. Yes you. You right there. I am the boss of you. Yes, yes I am. Shaking your head won't make it stop being true. I am the boss of you. A few of you already knew this as we have either discussed it before or you have willingly acknowledged my boss of you-ness before I had to say it. For the rest of you if you were wondering who the boss of you is, it's me. The boss of you.
Now take off your pants and go make me a sandwich.
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