If nothing else, me and Taco will definitely survive

Like most mornings, I stopped for a cup of coffee on the way to work.  I have a small (re: huge) caffeine addiction I need to feed pretty much all day everyday.  I don't know whether to quit caffeine right away since it almost got me killed or thank it for helping warn me about the end of the world.  I could go either way.

As I'm getting back into my vehicle with my cup o' love I hear a noise.  I look around and see him.  It.  Patient Zero in all his Romero-esque glory.  A fucking zombie.  Shuffling toward me, hands raised, mouth agape and ready to bite, he came.  I quickly remembered my rules and having no proper weapon with which to dispatch the walking dead I hustled into the safety of my vehicle, just in the nick of time mind you, and sped off.  

It was a close call but there's no time to feel good about my escape.  The end is well and truly fucking nigh.  Don't bother repenting, get armed and prepare for the war.

Of course it might have just been a mentally off homeless dude but why take chances?  I'll find out tomorrow when I stop for more java.  With a couple of dead blow hammers.  

Honkin' : Adjective 1. Giganimous

Stealing a page from Taco's playbook, I bring you an installment of COTD:

Tim:  Voltron or Ultraman in a fight?

Me:  Voltron, yo.  That sword beats all.

Tim:  But Ultraman knows space kung fu.

Me:  Voltron knows robot aikido.

Tim:  Outer space Steven Seagal?

Me:  With a honkin' sword.

Tim:  But no Chinese stars.

Me:  Indeed.  But the lion thing has to count for extra.

Tim:  Do they breathe fire?

Me:  No but one lives in a volcano like a DRAGON.

Tim:  But aren't volcano dwelling dragons evil?

Me:  Only by human standards.  By dragon standards that's just "Bob".

Tim:  Regular Bob or Silent Bob?

Me:  Depends on sleep cycle.

Tim:  Roger.  Over.

There is joy in the world again

So I'm at work today and we're talking about football.  One of my coworkers walks in and I ask what his favorite team is.

Him:  I guess since I'm in Baltimore I'll say the Ravens but I don't really follow it.  I'm a pastor so I'm mostly in church on Sundays and don't have the time to watch football.

Me:  You need to get your fuckin' priorities straight.

My boss:  *nearly chokes trying, and failing utterly, to hold in laughter*

Anyway, I told you that to tell you this:

Football season started tonight.  The world makes sense again and everything is made of yay.

Something made me mad. What a shock.

So the Swiss have decided not to extradite Roman Polanski back to the US.  Now I'm not going to get into the legal aspect of their decision, I want to talk about him and the people that support him because they're both making me fucking sick.

For anyone who might not know, Roman Polanski, a famous movie director, drugged, raped and sodomized a 13 year old girl when he was 43.  He had a trial, admitted guilt, went to counseling and then when he was supposed to report for sentencing he fled the country and went to France and has since avoided going to countries that might catch and send him back.  What a great guy.  I've seen and heard people say things like "It was a lapse in judgement" and "He's suffered enough" and "It's just wrong that he couldn't accept his Oscar in person" and other assorted idiocy.

Firstly a lapse in judgement is you deciding to do something wrong one time that goes against your normal behavior.  How many child rapists do you know of that have only ever done it once and then decided to stop?  On top of that once he fled to France he started "dating" a 15 year old.  That's not a lapse, it's a pattern.  And he's suffered enough?  HE'S suffered enough?  A child molester can never suffer enough you useless brain dead fucking imbeciles.  Oh yeah it's a terrible burden to have people say you're a child rapist when you're an admitted child rapist.  How terrible.  And the 42 days of counseling had to have been awful and this last time when they had you under house arrest in a Swiss ski chalet must have been hellish.  If you think he's suffered at all let alone enough do us all a favor and lay your head down on a busy road and wait for it.

Apparently the lesson we're to learn here is that if you want to rape children you should first become wealthy and famous.  That way even if everyone finds out you did it you'll still never have to pay for it.

Now my head hurts so to sum up:

Roman Polanski, I hope you get ass raped by a gorilla then get cancer of the dick you fucking worthless piece of shit.

Polanski supporters and apologists:  Shut.  The fuck.  Up.  Liking someone's work doesn't give them a free pass to do whatever they want.  If Martin Scorsese came to your house and ass rapes you is it OK because I really like his movies?  No.  So if you support this guy go jump off a tall building you fucking retards.  Barring that keep your fucking ignorance to yourself.

Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?

Why do English muffins come out of the toaster so much hotter than other things? Like nuclear hot. Holy shit I don't have fingerprints anymore hot. Do they store extra heat in the nooks and/or crannies? That shit ain't right.


Why is there an April Fool's Day but not, say, a July Smart People's Day? Shouldn't there be a day where we'd purposely go around using long words and saying things to confuse the normals? Moreso than usual I mean. Write your congressman about it.


I want a toupee. I mean a really bad one. Like I found it on the ground and gave it a scrub and it might actually be a dead raccoon anyway bad then wear it everywhere and act totally normal. "What is that?" "What?" "On your head." "Oh I got a haircut. Like it?"


I was at the deli counter a while back (Cheese. Because cheese.) and the deli woman asked me if anyone ever told me I look just like Heavy D. So I got that going for me. Which is nice.


I can still hear Billy Mays screaming at me to buy shit I don't want. Make it stop.


If a blind guy grabs a woman's breasts does she still say, "My eyes are up here"?


I've been told I have sarcastic eyebrows. That's pretty fucking awesome.


Ever get a really great parking spot at a crowded mall and then when you leave you judge the person that queues up to get it from you? If they look OK you pull out and give them the "Enjoy the spot" head nod but if it's some douchebag with a poppped collar and hair that looks like a bloomin' onion you give them a dirty look, put the car back in park and shut it off. Or even better two people arrive at once and you judge them both then award the spot to one of them by puling out and blocking the loser. No? Just me then?


Fuck pronouns.


Y'know what still bugs me? What the fuck did Bill Murray say to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost in Translation?


I feel like I should buy Red Stripe beer and lots of it. Their slogan is Hooray! Beer! How can you not support that?


There's something about the word "meats" that I find funny for reasons I can't explain. Meats. Hehehe.


I don't remember what I was watching even remotely but there was a band playing music and one of them had a washboard-tar. That's right. A washboard inside a guitar shaped piece of wood. A washboard-tar. How is this not in every band in the world? It's like keytar times a a hundred. WASHBOARD-TAR! The awesomeness of the thing itself has blasted the memory of where I saw it right out of my head so now I can't find it to see it again.


Seriously, has there ever been a person funnier than John Cleese?

See ya in another life, brotha.

After 6 seasons Lost has gone off the air for good (there are no spoilers here. I hate them). Lost hooked me right from the start and quickly became one of my all time favorites. While The Wire is still the best show ever (it's not open for debate) and Breaking Bad has arguably more compelling characters and Deadwood has dialogue like no other show, Lost is the show that I craved most week to week. The show that made me need the next episode like no other show could. It had a mythology so dense it could sometimes make The X-Files look like a sitcom. I mean that in the best possible way. No other show had so many eye widening, jaw dropping, what the fuck moments and not just in season finales, though Lost's season finales were the best, bar none. Every single episode had the potential to bring new and holy shit reveals, and they often did.

It's the only show I know of that the creators negotiated with the network to let them end it sooner rather than later. They wanted to tell their story and then end it instead of dragging on until it turned into a parody of itself or just became bad like most popular shows do.

Even at two and a half hours the finale didn't answer every question and y'know, I'm happy about that. Remember when X-Files tried to tie up every loose end in the final 2 seasons? Yeah, could have done without that. Anyway by the end of it all the questions and answers weren't even that important anymore. In the end it was all about the flawed and tormented characters seeking peace in themselves. They weren't just lost physically, they were all lost in every possible way and the island was the place that gave them the opportunity to find themselves and each other.

I could go on and on (and on and on...) but instead I'll simply say to everyone involved in making Lost from highest to lowest, thank you. There will never and can never be another show like it and I could not appreciate all of your efforts more if I tried.

Insert Valentine Michael Smith reference here

I keep forgetting to tell you faithful few about my trip to Ohio. We went up for Rosalita's grandmother's 90th birthday. Since I freak out a little just looking at a plane we drove up which means we had to drive through Pennsylvania.

What a shithole.

Aside from the mysterious pockets of unexplainable stink you have to drive through from time to time, the place is crawling with Steelers fans. I wish hell were a real place so the Steelers and all their fans could burn in it. Because I hate them in case that was in some way unclear. (GO RAVENS!) Rosalita yelled at me approximately 183 times for informing the natives that their state is a hole and their various sports franchises are worthy of nothing but ridicule and contempt. Some of this when we stopped for gas and to stretch our legs. Apparently it's "rude" to "insult" people. Who knew? I was just trying to help them see the truth!

So yeah we get there and meet and greet and obviously grandma loves me (I mean really, was there some other way for that to end?) and at some point we end up in a store. There's an old lady in there, easily 75, buying lottery tickets. When she's done she turns to me and says, "Am I going to win?" to which I reply, "Of course you are." then she smiles her sweet old lady smile, walks behind me and grabs my butt and walks off.

But wait, there's more.

Before I can think to react on how awesome it is to get goosed by the elderly, she comes back and gets a handful of the other cheek. Clearly this is already the best trip ever.

Skipping ahead...skipping ahead...

We get to the actual birthday party and it's like a parade of old ladies. What's more, the more they come the shorter they get and it's not like the first ones were anything but short to begin with. Tiny, tiny women. I swear I was 3 inches taller than the last one to show while I was sitting down. Seriously there were so many and they were so short I wanted to hand out dark robes, whip out a silver ball and re-enact Phantasm. I practice pointing menacingly at people and calling them "BOY" for just such a chance. It would've been great.

I also got to hang out with Noq, which was mucho yay. All my friends live forever away in places that are not here so getting to see them is always a big win. Move here you heartless fuckers!

*ahem*

So yeah, we met at a bar to watch the Cavs game (there ain't much else to do in Ohio when it's not college football season, they tell me) and I'm pretty sure one of us accidentally ate the waitress, mistaking her for a single pork rib. It's the only way to explain how long we waited for someone to take our order. Eventually there was beer.

Delicious beer.

I introduced him to Rosalita (Seriously dude, Mexican. Don't believe her lies.) then we geeked out at each other for as long as we could. It was glorious.

Eventually we had to leave which involved another drive through PA (mystery stink, shitty state, terrible people, etc) then finally back home. YAY! I like going other places mostly because they remind me how much I love my home state. Thanks for that, other places! I appreciate your efforts to be less awesome.