You can't put me in one of your neat little boxes!

Mostly because I'm somewhat tall and broad. Although if you had a much larger box and it was clearly labeled as mine and it had my books in then maybe we could talk. Oh! And a big TV for me to watch movies and a comfy couch and a big bed and some beer and an internet connection and in the delivery range of a suitable amount of food joints. But other than that you will find me very much not in your various and sundry boxes, good sir!

It's a random kind of day so, yeah.

Does anyone else get meditative (Yes I meditate. It can sometimes quiet the demons.) when they think about things that aren't even close to being vaguely associated with meditation as a rule? Am I the only one that looks for enlightenment in a quark? Seeks God in coherent superposition? Gets a far away and dreamy look when thinking about experiments that accelerate light far beyond the norm? Pointless? Probably. Stupid? Not for me to say.

Seriously I think I'm onto something with that God thing. Y'know, Yog Sothoth is just a gigantic string of quarks though really when you're in the swirling center of chaos size probably loses some of its meaning. And by some I mean all.

I made a Venger joke recently and no one got it. None of you understood that sentence either. King of obscure references? Not likely but I am at least a member of the royal family.

What if you were allergic to your own nose hair?

Sometimes I am happy that there is a version of me that made all the right choices and has a great life. Other times I hate him. It's not an option to think that that person doesn't exist.

I support String Theory for the exceedingly scientific reason that I want it to be true.

Puppies are cuter than kittens.

Sweet monkey Jesus I'm tired. Later bitches.

Henceforth we will summer in Zebulon

This weekend was finally time for TacoCon. Has the world ever before known such a level of awesome? No. No it has not.

On the way down I got a speeding ticket which a lesser man would have taken as a bad omen. I knew better. As I approached the land of Yay I saw an actual omen and it was good. A sign announced that I was drawing ever closer to Zebulon.

Zebulon.

As I got closer to it I was filled with more and more cheer until I finally crossed into it and erupted with a call of, "ZEBULON! WOOOOOOOT!!

Ah sweet Zebulon.

Finally I arrive at the House of Taco and skip through an imaginary field of posies up to the door. I have traveled far. Grant me access! Taco and fett have started merry making without me but I'm here now! Let us begin in earnest. I am also greeted at the door by Taco's daughter who instantly launches into a song and dance routine that is easily one the greatest things I have ever laid eyes on. These kids are destined to take our places at the top of Awesome Mountain. We set about our busy schedule of hanging out, drinking, talking, telling stories and being gods among men. We are successful on all counts.

So day 2 starts with lunch and then it's off to the fair. That's right, we're going to see some goats. Why goats, you ask? Why the hell not? More talking and general awesomnosity on the trip over and then we arrive and the levels of Pure Yay go off the charts. I know we're in for it when as soon as we're through the gates an announcement comes on inviting us to try some famous biscuits and "Get some south in your mouth!" The three of us stopped in our tracks as one person and turned to look at each other. No one else around us reacted to it at all. Nothing. These people live in the middle of comedy gold and have no appreciation of it. Many things will change once we establish our empire in Zebulon.

Have you ever seen three grown men wander around several buildings worth of goat pens laughing harder and harder as they go until finally they're leaning against walls in order to stay upright? Let me tell you, no one has EVER appreciated goats on as many levels as we did. The goats, the lolspeak, the jokes...sweet baby Jesus I damn near ruptured something. On the car ride back to the house I said maybe 10 words and the entire rest of the time I was laughing. I haven't laughed that hard or that long since...I don't remember ever doing it before actually. By the time we got to the house my ribs and face hurt like I had taken a beating. I loved it.

Still wiping away the tears of painful laughter we go in and Larry's here! Yay! We get all wound up again and before we have a chance to wind down, Yay! Blue's here! Much fun is had recounting the goat adventures and then more talking and story telling and being better than other people. It's quite something how much better than other people we are. Even more than I originally thought. Who knew such a thing was possible?

Side note, Blue's husband is my hero. In one sentence, just one, he expertly and thoroughly mocked the entire room with perfect timing and delivery. I've never seen anything like it before and he is our new lord and master. A statue will be erected at once and offerings will follow shortly thereafter. Seriously, the skill with which he cut us down was godlike. We, of course, laughed at it and ourselves like a pack of loons. To sum up, Kev = omgyespleasemore.

Day three involved a sammich that tasted like sweet sweet love, a retro store with a million things in it I want, Mario Bros. guitar solo and the biggest used book store I've ever seen. Clearly I had fallen into some kind of paradise from which I never wanted to be parted.

Alas it could not last. I had to return to my home state and restore the balance of awesome. We're already making plans for next year (with possible smaller events between) and I still want some shirts made, damn it!

And now I leave you with a short list of out of context quotes from the weekend:

You're doing it wrong!
Hang on, I think invisible goat is invisible.
Good people of Lizard Lick, we come in peace!
Was he a Bears fan?
Look at my aliens.
It's a METAPHOR!
You're so dreamy!
I brought a tarp and some oil.

This isn't anywhere near Crystal Lake is it?

So after years of trying my sister and her husband finally talked me into going camping with them. In the past I've been meh about it because I don't care for most of their friends and at least one or two of these people tend to go as well. This time it was my sister's birthday and she laid on the pleases pretty thick (plus my drinkin' buddy was going and I was given to understand that I could drink as much as I wanted AND have control of the fire all weekend) so I figured why not. I packed a bag, a shitload of beer and off I went.

I went up on Friday morning with my brother in law so set up camp and my sister and drinking buddy came later in the evening. It didn't take long before I was completely lost as I have no sense of direction and am easily turned around. On the way up I went over what to do in case of machete killer attack in great detail as I feel this is very important information to have in the woods and I really wanted to feel like I was contributing, y'know? It turned out to be important because I totally spotted the lair of the aforementioned machete killer on the way to our site. Yay me.

Anyway some of us got fairly hammered the first night and it turned out that I should have gotten very hammered first thing Saturday. Have you ever been in a campground shower? Yeesh. It's much like a prison shower except with water pressure so high that I got what would normally be a $500 exfoliation treatment for free. I'm not sure if that's a win or lose. That night after many, many more beers and much playing with fire and good eating and general merriment me and my drinking buddy went for a trek through the woods. At night. Exceedingly dark night. Right past the lair of the machete killer!! What the hell man!? Rookie mistake! No excuses! Luckily he was out gutting someone else but if he'd been there I would have deserved his swift and brutal attention.

All in all it was fun though I literally did not sleep at all for the entire weekend. Just couldn't do it. I drank enough to stun a water buffalo and kept a fire burning for an entire weekend though and that is something indeed. I am...a camper.

Five Things: The Musical

Since no one else liked my musings about lube (even though I stand by the FACT that that shit was funny) I will now punish you all with a new list. A recent post on Tim's blog got me thinking about music and how much I love it and that thought went hither and yon until it settled on side projects and supergroups and how lots of them suck but some are shamefully under appreciated. Without further ado I give you:

Five musical side projects/supergroups that I love.

1. Down

Down is a band made up from members of Pantera, Corrosion of Conformity and Crowbar. I first heard about them when a friend of mine bought their first album, NOLA, and put it on. I got a confused look on my face and said, "When did Pantera put out a new album and why does it sound so different yet awesome?" He laughed at my ignorance and explained and I made all due haste to purchase it. Quite a lot of haste was due.

The main draw for me was Phil Anselmo from Pantera on vocals and Pepper Keenan from C.O.C. on guitar. This band is way more than the sum of its parts. They've released three albums so far with all being somewhat different yet all be at least above average with my favorite still being NOLA, their first.

2. A Perfect Circle

Now, you all know that I love Tool more than is absolutely healthy and when I heard that MJK was doing a side project with Billy Howerdel I about fell out of my chair. I had high hopes but in the back of my mind I was concerned because how often is this kind of thing really good? Needless concern.

Mer de Noms was released and holy shit. It was light years ahead of a shitload of other people's main bands. Are you sure this is a side project? That album was shit hot and only got better as I listened to it more. Totally different vibe than Tool yet it still has more than a touch of MAYNARD (Judith for prime example) and it remains one of my favorite albums. Obviously Howerdel was deeply involved in the project and is quite talented but the main draw for me was always Maynard. Something about that voice cuts right into my brain.

APC released two studio albums and one album of covers full of songs about peace and war. All are good but Mer de Noms is a classic as far as I'm concerned.

3. Mad Season

This is a group that was formed in the 90's from members of Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam and Screaming Trees. There used to be a really good alternative station here at that time and they started playing a song called River of Deceit and I thought wait a minute, that's Layne Staley. Damn right it was. There is NO mistaking that absolutely amazing voice for anyone else's. I am a massive AiC fan and I think Staley is one of the most under appreciated musical talents of all time. Kurt Cobain gets the hype that Staley actually deserves. He was the main attraction for me and is more than worth the price of admission.

Mad Season released only one album called Above. It's probably better than the last thing you listened to.

4. Infectious Grooves

This band was originally formed with members of Suicidal Tendencies, Excel and Jane's Addiction. It was 1991 and a friend of mine runs in with a tape and slams it in and hits play. "Listen to this shit," said he.
"Is that Mike Muir?" I asked.
"Fuckin' right it is. Just wait, it gets better."

Mike Muir is the front man for Suicidal Tendencies which is, I hope at least some of you know, one of the best bands ever. Whichever "version" of SI people prefer (I like them through all the punk/crossover/thrash/metal/whatever-style-they-cared-to-do-for-whatever -album-it's-all-good) most people can find something to love. Anyway, Muir formed this band and it was pure funk metal. Think back to when the Red Hot Chili Peppers were actually good (you do realize they stopped being good in the very early 90's right?) and add even more funk with a harder edge and sometimes lots of humor. That's Infectious Grooves.

The main draw was Muir of course and they have released four albums so far. My favorite is probably Sarsippius' Ark.

5. Mike Patton

Before you can nay say this one let me remind you that virtually everything Patton has done has been on the side of something else so I think it counts. This guy is flat out fucking brilliant. He's been involved in more projects than even he can remember and he continues to churn out quality music that is almost impossible to categorize without using a ridiculous amount of labels.

I first heard him when he took over the singing duties for Faith No More for their album The Real Thing. I was instantly hooked. This album is pure genius. If you don't like it then I'm sorry but that's a deal breaker and we can't be friends anymore. Seriously. After that came his second album with them, Angel Dust. More experimental but no less grabtacular and is perhaps the single most under appreciated album ever.

He has also released music as part of or driving force behind Mr. Bungle, Tomahawk, Fantomas, Lovage and Peeping Tom among many many many others. Seriously he's insanely prolific. The only thing he's done that I didn't care for was when he got into that whole Japanese noise thing. I don't care for it in and of itself and even the best of it would still be something I didn't like so it wasn't his fault.

My favorite of his stuff is easily the two FNM albums I already mentioned plus his latest project which was Peeping Tom.

Once again you all have homework assignments assuming you don't already know and love all of these things. If you do already know and love all of these things then prepare yourself for sex because it's about to get rough in here.

Somehow we got through the whole thing without mentioning Christy

I sometimes wonder about how my own mind works. It's sort of a hobby. I like to compare it to the way that other (lesser) minds work so as to try and locate the source of my own superiority at which point I will be able to grind it on the wheel until it has an edge so sharp that it will cut through my skull and flee to its proper home among the stars.

Wait, what was I talking about? How my mind works. Right.

So I'm on the phone with the Evil That Skips last night (it's one of the nicer things she's been called. I won't get into what they tend to call me...) and what she said was "...topical application of lubricant." What I heard was "...tactical application of lubricant." Now before you can ask me why we were talking about lubricant in the first place I will preemptively tell you that I don't know. We're never really more than a short hop away from lube talk at any point regardless of what we're talking about anyway so it's not important.

The point is that someone else would have said huh or what or say that again or simply glossed over it assuming she had slipped up but not me. No sir. I started thinking about it. Tactics. Tactical applications of lube. Lube Team Omega, you are go for lube. Repeat: go for lube. Can there then be a strategic application of lube? Long term lube goals? Is that something we should maybe think about folding into our current lubrication operations, lubeops, or should we form a new team that would specialize in that? So many choices. It's all a bit much really. Is Iran already developing this? Do they even now have training camps for suicide lubers? We have to move on this. Fast.

Things of this nature. Sometimes I love how my mind works. This is why I don't sleep anymore. The hallucinations are nice though. The fact that I could share some of this with her and she didn't do that thing the normals do and freak out and act all weird about it speaks volumes. They are of course forbidden Lovecraftian volumes but that's fine by us.

Right, left, right, left. Seems simple enough.

There are some things that you'd think a full grown adult would be good enough at to do well all the time. Things like walking. This is not the case. I'm an experienced walker. Been doing it for decades. I've done it at home and school and work. I've done it for fun and under duress. I've done a lot of walking. A lot.

I still need practice apparently.

Today I was walking and there was a small and not at all steep ramp type thing and uh oh, twist, what the hell, thud. Down I went. Not a trip and then a few stumble steps. No no. I mean I went down. Full body splat on the ground. Now a different person might have gotten right up and gone on their way or more likely jumped up and looked around with that nervous thing people do when they feeling that weird shame thing I hear so much about.

Not me. I stayed down there. I gently put my head on the ground and decided to stay horizontal for a minute. It was quite nice really. Eventually I had to get up and then I realized that I had hurt one of my ankles. Again. I've had so many injuries to both my ankles that they are brittle now and prone to easy injury. So now I'll be hobbling around all limpy for a few days but I'll always have those precious moments of relaxation on the ground.

Good times.

Game's the same, just got more fierce.

The bigger the awards show, the less relevance it has. Some of you may remember my post about the last Academy Awards and this is worse. Much worse. This is, all by itself, proof that shit just doesn't make any sense in the world of entertainment. I don't watch the Emmy awards but if you do then I kindly ask that you boycott this year.

The Wire was nominated for zero Emmy awards.

Allow me to put that in some kind of context for you. The Wire has, since it began, been one of the most praised and critically hailed shows ever. Ever. I have never heard or seen a bad review of it. I have never heard or seen a merely good review of it. I have ONLY EVER seen over the top great reviews of it. It is regarded, across the board, as one of the best shows to ever be on television and it is held to be the best show on television now by virtually every critic I have read. They make it a point to mention it in their reviews, sometimes multiple times just to make sure you saw it.

This season of The Wire that finished and would be up for consideration, its fourth, was held by all and sundry to be the best season of the show. Think about that. The best season of the best show on TV and one of the best (I've heard some go so far as to say THE best) shows to ever be on TV which makes it one of if not the best season of television to ever be broadcast in this country got nominated for no awards for excellence in television.

What. The. Fuck.

Obviously I love the show and agree with every critic (a rarity to be sure) that there is no better show currently going and that it is very high on the list of best ever. It is that fucking good. Whatever the show you love is that you stop what you're doing to watch, this show is better. No nominations. Not one.

The level of ignorance and stupidity that it takes for this kind of thing to happen makes my head hurt. Support those things that are awesome, people. Somebody damn well has to.