Why do English muffins come out of the toaster so much hotter than other things? Like nuclear hot. Holy shit I don't have fingerprints anymore hot. Do they store extra heat in the nooks and/or crannies? That shit ain't right.
Why is there an April Fool's Day but not, say, a July Smart People's Day? Shouldn't there be a day where we'd purposely go around using long words and saying things to confuse the normals? Moreso than usual I mean. Write your congressman about it.
I want a toupee. I mean a really bad one. Like I found it on the ground and gave it a scrub and it might actually be a dead raccoon anyway bad then wear it everywhere and act totally normal. "What is that?" "What?" "On your head." "Oh I got a haircut. Like it?"
I was at the deli counter a while back (Cheese. Because cheese.) and the deli woman asked me if anyone ever told me I look just like Heavy D. So I got that going for me. Which is nice.
I can still hear Billy Mays screaming at me to buy shit I don't want. Make it stop.
If a blind guy grabs a woman's breasts does she still say, "My eyes are up here"?
I've been told I have sarcastic eyebrows. That's pretty fucking awesome.
Ever get a really great parking spot at a crowded mall and then when you leave you judge the person that queues up to get it from you? If they look OK you pull out and give them the "Enjoy the spot" head nod but if it's some douchebag with a poppped collar and hair that looks like a bloomin' onion you give them a dirty look, put the car back in park and shut it off. Or even better two people arrive at once and you judge them both then award the spot to one of them by puling out and blocking the loser. No? Just me then?
Fuck pronouns.
Y'know what still bugs me? What the fuck did Bill Murray say to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost in Translation?
I feel like I should buy Red Stripe beer and lots of it. Their slogan is Hooray! Beer! How can you not support that?
There's something about the word "meats" that I find funny for reasons I can't explain. Meats. Hehehe.
I don't remember what I was watching even remotely but there was a band playing music and one of them had a washboard-tar. That's right. A washboard inside a guitar shaped piece of wood. A washboard-tar. How is this not in every band in the world? It's like keytar times a a hundred. WASHBOARD-TAR! The awesomeness of the thing itself has blasted the memory of where I saw it right out of my head so now I can't find it to see it again.
Seriously, has there ever been a person funnier than John Cleese?
