Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I like gypsy moths and radio talk...

I am so utterly sick of hopping back and forth between furious anger to the point that my hands itch to hurt someone and desperate sadness that makes me wish I'd just go to sleep and never wake up again.  I never thought I'd say it but I almost miss being medicated up to my fucking eyeballs.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Easing back in...

Some of you may know that I have a problem remembering people's names.  Not a problem like you have to tell me twice, a problem like you might tell me everyday for 2 weeks and I still won't know it tomorrow.  It's very odd and I really don't understand it because my memory in other areas is strangely good.

Anyway, I realized there's hardly anyone at work I call by their real name.  So for a lark I'm going to make a list of things I call people at work instead of their actual names (in some cases I still don't know their names and I've been there for over nine months now and in a couple of cases I figured out their names but refuse to use them):

-Pod Ken
-Chuckish - He was hired 2 months ago.  They introduced me to him and as soon as he walked away I asked what his name was.  Someone said, "Chuck?  Ish?" so now he's Chuckish.  His name might not even be Chuck.  I wouldn't know.
-Wackenfuss Lafayette  - This one makes no sense.  The guy goes by his initials.  Two letters and I couldn't remember it.  This mouthful of silly however I couldn't forget if I wanted to.
-White Ninja
-Food Santa - Because Food Santa
-Rain Man
-Chim Chim - Because he's an irritating fucking monkey.
-Squirrelly - This guy, for sure, will be on the news soon because they will find cut up lady parts in his freezer.  No bullshit.
-Anorexic Clint
-Fancy Pants - There are pants involved.  They are quite fancy.
-Fluffy Puppy Rainbows
-Honky Ass Cracker
-Cracker Ass Honky - Note the difference.
-Fuckin'...*points at the guy* - It's become a thing.  His name is officially Fuckin' a short pause and then a pointing motion.

What is wrong with my brain?

Monday, January 24, 2011

I'd like to say it's abnormal behavior...

So I called a guy a dickhead at work.  Not the way people usually do it, he was right there when I said it.  Well, technically I called him a fucking dickhead.  He didn't have much to say in response.  I wonder why?

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Likely not a premature burial

As always on this day in Baltimore, people gathered for a glimpse of the Poe Toaster.  For the second year in a row he did not come.  It looks as though a tradition has died and while I'm usually not one to support traditions as a whole, the end of this one makes me sad.

For those who may not know, heathens in other words, since 1949 (at least) in the wee hours every January 19th a man would appear in Westminster Hall and Burying Ground dressed in black wearing a wide brimmed hat and scarf and leave three roses and an open bottle of cognac on Poe's grave.  This year four different fakes (Faux Toasters) came but they were clearly not the real deal.  I have to think that since his last appearance was on the 200th anniversary of Poe's birth that was the predetermined stopping point for the tradition and that it is truly dead.  It's hard to explain why this is a sad thing.  Maybe because there's a little less mystery in the world now and that is always a bad thing.

Whatever the reason, we'll never forget you Edgar.  Happy birthday you wonderfully twisted man.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Is it supposed to look like this when I blow my nose?

The last month and a half have been...particularly unkind.  But let's talk about something else!

Been one month since I started going to the gym.  Doing way more than when I started and already seeing changes in myself.  Yay me.  There's a dude I see there sometimes who I tell myself will be me in 20 years if I stop going so that's a serious kick in the ass.  I tend to push even harder when he shows up.

It's that time of year again.  Christmas.  I actually enjoyed last Christmas almost against my will.  I think I even would have enjoyed the one before that but as some of you might remember I had my first flare of acute inflammatory arthritis that day and it was a pain I can't really describe unless you really know what pain is.  Anyway, this year I was laid off for the first seven months.  I got the new job (hooray!) and got caught up on my bills (whew!) then started saving for this.  Then of course the car gets stolen so I have to give out most of what I had saved so now I've basically had to spend nothing since then to have money for gifts and such.  Can't even click Proceed To Checkout for my Amazon shopping cart.  It's been very very pleasant.  No, wait, what's the opposite of pleasant?

Today at work my boss was trying to remember someone's name and said, "You know, what's his lips."  It was one of those silly things you hear and for reasons you don't understand cause you to laugh yourself stupid.  Good times.

I've decided to quit caffeine.  For good.  My company gives everyone a big chunk of time off for christmas.  This year our last day is December 22nd and we go back January 3rd.  I will use this time to detox myself.  After I quit smoking this became the only thing I was addicted to and I don't like it.  Also if I quit I'll cut out the majority of my daily sugar intake which should help speed along the whole weight loss thing.  I figure it'll hurt like fuck for 3 or 4 days then slowly get better and I'll be more or less OK by the time I go back to work.  Wish me luck.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Memory is a silly bitch

So I was at work and got a form to fill out from the company.  They want permission to access my driving record in case they decide to give me company car or something in the next year.  Make sure I don't have 17 DUI's or that my license isn't suspended for being involved in a bunch of hit and runs or whatever.  Not exceedingly likely but I'll play along just in case.  I get to the section that requires taking info from the license itself to I take it out.  License number.  Blah blah blah.  License expires on...shit.  Expired on my birthday.

Which was, let's see, oh that's right, ALMOST TWO WEEKS AGO.

Luckily my boss is pretty cool and thinks I'm awesome so he shoves me out the door to go do it in the middle of the work day.  Have I mentioned I hate the MVA?  Because I do.  What with the metal benches and understaffing and taking 2 hours to do something that actually takes 15 minutes and having to be surrounded by lots of people who are ALWAYS way creepy.  Is it that most people are way creepy or is it just at the MVA?  The ratio of creepy people to normal people seems to be quite pronounced there.  Anyway, I get it sorted out, pay my money and rocket back to work.

Does this kind of thing happen to anyone else?  Ever?

Friday, October 29, 2010

Who dropped this other shoe here...oh, right

Five o'clock in the morning and I get a call telling me my truck's been stolen.  What fun.

Police tell me it's in the lot of a hotel by the airport.  Rosalita drives me over and the cops are waiting.  They say they got a call from hotel security and showed up to find a guy asleep at the wheel of my truck.  To make it clear, they have the stolen vehicle and the thief out cold inside it.

He got away.

Apparently he was a little guy and really fast.  Anyway I absorb this wonderful tidbit and check the inside.  There's a box in the backseat and I say, "That isn't mine".  They pull it out and it's a PS3, brand new.  Front seat has a backpack which ended up having a GPS thingy and other assorted shit in it.  The CD I had in the player was in the backseat so the little fucker had bad taste in music too.

Anyway I got it home and did some searching for repair places, waited for the one I picked to open, started my truck with a screwdriver, drove it over and got them to drive me back.  When we pull up there's a cop talking to a guy.  His car got broken into last night.  Busy little shitball, wasn't he?

To sum up, blargh.