Somehow we got through the whole thing without mentioning Christy

I sometimes wonder about how my own mind works. It's sort of a hobby. I like to compare it to the way that other (lesser) minds work so as to try and locate the source of my own superiority at which point I will be able to grind it on the wheel until it has an edge so sharp that it will cut through my skull and flee to its proper home among the stars.

Wait, what was I talking about? How my mind works. Right.

So I'm on the phone with the Evil That Skips last night (it's one of the nicer things she's been called. I won't get into what they tend to call me...) and what she said was "...topical application of lubricant." What I heard was "...tactical application of lubricant." Now before you can ask me why we were talking about lubricant in the first place I will preemptively tell you that I don't know. We're never really more than a short hop away from lube talk at any point regardless of what we're talking about anyway so it's not important.

The point is that someone else would have said huh or what or say that again or simply glossed over it assuming she had slipped up but not me. No sir. I started thinking about it. Tactics. Tactical applications of lube. Lube Team Omega, you are go for lube. Repeat: go for lube. Can there then be a strategic application of lube? Long term lube goals? Is that something we should maybe think about folding into our current lubrication operations, lubeops, or should we form a new team that would specialize in that? So many choices. It's all a bit much really. Is Iran already developing this? Do they even now have training camps for suicide lubers? We have to move on this. Fast.

Things of this nature. Sometimes I love how my mind works. This is why I don't sleep anymore. The hallucinations are nice though. The fact that I could share some of this with her and she didn't do that thing the normals do and freak out and act all weird about it speaks volumes. They are of course forbidden Lovecraftian volumes but that's fine by us.

Right, left, right, left. Seems simple enough.

There are some things that you'd think a full grown adult would be good enough at to do well all the time. Things like walking. This is not the case. I'm an experienced walker. Been doing it for decades. I've done it at home and school and work. I've done it for fun and under duress. I've done a lot of walking. A lot.

I still need practice apparently.

Today I was walking and there was a small and not at all steep ramp type thing and uh oh, twist, what the hell, thud. Down I went. Not a trip and then a few stumble steps. No no. I mean I went down. Full body splat on the ground. Now a different person might have gotten right up and gone on their way or more likely jumped up and looked around with that nervous thing people do when they feeling that weird shame thing I hear so much about.

Not me. I stayed down there. I gently put my head on the ground and decided to stay horizontal for a minute. It was quite nice really. Eventually I had to get up and then I realized that I had hurt one of my ankles. Again. I've had so many injuries to both my ankles that they are brittle now and prone to easy injury. So now I'll be hobbling around all limpy for a few days but I'll always have those precious moments of relaxation on the ground.

Good times.

Game's the same, just got more fierce.

The bigger the awards show, the less relevance it has. Some of you may remember my post about the last Academy Awards and this is worse. Much worse. This is, all by itself, proof that shit just doesn't make any sense in the world of entertainment. I don't watch the Emmy awards but if you do then I kindly ask that you boycott this year.

The Wire was nominated for zero Emmy awards.

Allow me to put that in some kind of context for you. The Wire has, since it began, been one of the most praised and critically hailed shows ever. Ever. I have never heard or seen a bad review of it. I have never heard or seen a merely good review of it. I have ONLY EVER seen over the top great reviews of it. It is regarded, across the board, as one of the best shows to ever be on television and it is held to be the best show on television now by virtually every critic I have read. They make it a point to mention it in their reviews, sometimes multiple times just to make sure you saw it.

This season of The Wire that finished and would be up for consideration, its fourth, was held by all and sundry to be the best season of the show. Think about that. The best season of the best show on TV and one of the best (I've heard some go so far as to say THE best) shows to ever be on TV which makes it one of if not the best season of television to ever be broadcast in this country got nominated for no awards for excellence in television.

What. The. Fuck.

Obviously I love the show and agree with every critic (a rarity to be sure) that there is no better show currently going and that it is very high on the list of best ever. It is that fucking good. Whatever the show you love is that you stop what you're doing to watch, this show is better. No nominations. Not one.

The level of ignorance and stupidity that it takes for this kind of thing to happen makes my head hurt. Support those things that are awesome, people. Somebody damn well has to.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water

Here comes more QUIZAM!

1) I've just given you a cocktail that will stop your heart after 48 hours and there is no cure. How will you spend these 48 hours?

There are people in this world that I swore I would outlive and I damn well meant it. With the rest of the time I would have one last convo with my mother and two sisters, leave a post on here to explain that I'm never coming back, take a six pack, drive as fast as I could to a nice shade tree by a river and just relax and wait for it.

2) What is your idea of a perfect world?

A world without any bigotry at all of any kind combined with a world without organized religion. Yes I know it looks like I just said something bigoted after I said I wanted no bigotry but I disagree and I have spoken. My word is law. Oh, there should be more white chocolate in the new perfect world too because I can never find any and I really love it.

3) I give you 10 Million dollars but with these terms: You must move out of the country and you must leave alone and tell no one where you are going. Do you take it?

Yes. Me being me I see countless loopholes in these conditions. I will move out of the country but maintain a secondary residence in country while telling no one about my primary home. Them I will share the loot with my family as is right and proper but just never invite them over to my real house which would be in northern Europe probably.

4) If you could live as a character from any movie, which would it be?

I'm trying to think of a movie where someone gets to have sex with Monica Bellucci because that would be it. Other than that, Mal from Serenity, Harry Tuttle from Brazil, Ed Bloom from Big Fish or the lead character from a high end, big budget lesbian porn.

5) What is one thing most people don't know about you?

The size of my penis.

*taptaptap* Is this thing on?

Taco gave everyone questions to answer and since I can deny him nothing, here we go:

1. What is your favorite book of all time?

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. It is, without exception, the greatest novel ever written. You are free to think otherwise but you will of course be wrong. I have spoken. My word is law.

2. Now that you've given a totally bullshit answer in order to impress people on the intarwebs whom you've never met, stop being a poser and tell us what your real favorite book of all time is.

You're not going to get me with my own question. Good try though.

3. What famous person, past or present, would you ravage sexually given the opportunity? Addendum: this person must be counter to your own sexual orientation. If you are heterosexual, they must be of your sex. If you are homosexual, they must be of the opposite sex. If you are bisexual, they must be an animal or a plant.

I can't let Taco outdo me by answering all of these and then I only answer one. What kind of halfassedness would that be?

Male: If I have to choose one and only one? Johnny Depp probably. He's not just pretty, he's also very talented. But mostly it would be because he's pretty.

Female: Cleopatra. I have a longstanding crush on her. By all accounts she was insanely intelligent and apparently had a voice that was beautiful even when she was just speaking in normal conversation.

Animal and plant: When you think about it, they say "Fuck like a couple of bunnies" for a reason, right? Also, there's this ficus that's been giving me the ol' stink eye recently so, y'know.

4. What's the most bizarre sexual act you've ever committed? If you puss out and post something that's not interesting, we get to make fun of you. Make something up if you have to. Use lots of adjectives.

*edited because, well, because I said so*

5. Can you get the image of your grandparents fucking out of your head?

Both of my grandfathers died when I was still a baby so I couldn't get the image in my head even if I wanted to. In your face Flanders!