Funny like puppies with AIDS

Maybe it's me. Maybe I've been explaining it wrong. Maybe in the middle of explaining it I have, unknowingly, started speaking Swahili. Or maybe everyone else is a fucking moron.

Yeah, probably that last one.

OK, once more from the top for everyone who can't seem to understand simple concepts like fire is hot or stabbing yourself in the face with a jagged pointy stone will hurt you. I'll try to speak slowly and not use too many big words.

It's not funny to purposely get on other people's nerves. Not funny. Not. Fucking. Funny. If you do something that you KNOW is going to piss someone off, you're not funny. You're a fucking nimrod who isn't smart enough to have a real sense of humor. You know how I know it's not funny? I used my psychic powers to read the minds of every single person on the entire planet and it was a unanimous vote. Not one of the people on this planet finds it amusing in even the smallest way when someone tries to irritate them. You know why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING IRRITATING THEM YOU MOUTH BREATHING, BRAIN DAMAGED SHIT STAIN!

How the fuck do you not understand this? If you do something that you know I hate or know pushes my buttons why in the name of all things great and small would I find that funny? How fucking ignorant do you have to be to think that I would? What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you retarded? Would you think it was funny if I was doing something you hate to you? No, you wouldn't. Because you fucking hate it! And making the drooling twit standing next to your dumb ass laugh doesn't count. He's clearly as fucking idiotic as you are and if you started pissing him off, he'd stop laughing. Because it's not funny! And when your goal is to piss me off and I get pissed off how the fuck did you not see that coming? Why do you always act surprised? You were trying to piss me off! It worked! Now you want to be upset when I start yelling at you? Do the world a favor and go choke on something.

For fuck's sake, I'm not trying to explain String Theory to you after you've taken a sharp blow to the head. I'm saying things that anyone who doesn't expect a hug and a medal every time they run four steps should fucking know.

Fire hot. Face stab hurts. Pissing people off isn't the same as being funny.

Look, if your arsenal of humor is a stockpile of shit that annoys other people, you aren't funny. Acknowledge it, admit it, embrace it and fucking stop trying to fucking be it. You're. Not. Funny. Get over it and shut the fuck up.

The next one that does it is getting punched in the mouth. That's going to be my version of your kind of humor. How hard do you think you'll be laughing with a broken jaw?

Arbor Day gets no respect

So while I was off on Monday (four day work weeks are awesome) I decided to go to get my driver's license stuff straight. I have to renew my tags but I can't until I get a change of address on my license which I can't do online and for free like everyone else (whole other issue) so since I don't sleep anyway and was up at the ass crack of dawn I decided to just go and do it. I grabbed a book figuring to be there for a while even if I was way early and off I went.

I get there a bit before they usually open and I see that there are hardly any cars in the lot. Five or six tops. Sweet, maybe I won't be forever and a day. I park and walk over and what do you know?

They're closed.

What. The. Fuck.

Now I'm pissed off and confused but I get home without killing anyone. Why the hell are they closed? To the interwebnets! Ah. I see. Columbus Day. The only "holiday" that challenges Valentine's Day for dumbest and most pointless. Wow, he got on a ship and sailed for a while and ended up meeting some people that they didn't know were there.

Big fucking deal.

He discovered nothing. He did nothing of note except open the door for the eventual heinous crimes against the natives. Good job. Totally worthy of a holiday. Either way I have yet another reason to hate Columbus Day.

Fucker.

Like the Coelacanth only rarer

I have found a thing so rare that I believed that it might be only a myth or if it did exist that it was a thing long since extinct. I fear you may not believe me because of the seeming outlandish nature of my claim but I swear it's true. Every word.

I can still hardly credit it but I found...good customer service.

Wait! Don't walk away! It's true! Good customer service exists! I've experienced it and been changed by it. It was almost a religious experience.

I ordered some stuff from Amazon and they send the email telling you your package has shipped. Always very exciting. I make full use of their Track Your Package option. I love that thing. It's addicting and hypnotic. Anyway, according to their site the package was delivered yet I didn't have it. I called the post office and they tell me they don't have it and have no record of it.

Not good.

I go to Amazon's site looking for a phone number hoping against hope that I could talk to an actual human being and get some help. Silly, I know. Anyway, I found an option that said to click here to have Amazon call you now. What the hell. I type in my number and click.

My phone begins to ring immediately. Immediately.

I answer and hear a voice say please hold while we connect you with a representative. Seconds later an actual live human picks up the line and asks how he can help. I of course suspect a trick right away but I explain the problem. He checks my info and looks up the package. Within a couple of minutes he apologizes to me for my inconvenience and puts in the order again to be shipped free of charge. I didn't even get to the part where I yell and say really mean things. I didn't even get to raise my voice a little bit.

The replacement box was against my door when I got home from work. The receipt showed a charge of $0. My entire belief system was shaken down to the core. I had a problem, contacted the source and had the problem instantly corrected without argument.

Good customer service. It's real. I've seen it.