I'll have you Walking Spanish

So as is my way I recalled a thing that happened to me sometime after the fact (my memory will come and go as it pleases, wandering away for wild adventures before finally finding its way home to settle down) and when it popped back in my head I blurted it out to the first person I saw, which was Taco.

"Hey", I said, "Did I tell you I got hammered and stole a pirate hat from a liquor store?"

And so it began.

Demands for a complete retelling, pictures of the glorious thing itself, getting other people to demand pictures until I just couldn't take it anymore. So I sent those out to those as asked after them but then I got to thinking that such a fine tale of daring should be shared and passed down to future generations.

So we're out sailing the seas (at a bar) and decide it's lame and to take all the cool people (us) over to Mike's to just hang out. We drop the women off and we hearty menfolk drive to the liquor store to raid it for it's boozey goodness as I'd not had my fill yet.

We arrive (flourish of trumpets) and storm into the joint, as is our way, looking for our chosen plunder. On our way down an aisle I see a Captain Morgan display and on it, a hat. Not just any hat my friends, an awe inspiring cheap plastic pirate hat. It was love at first sight.

"Mike!", I yelled (because, Mike). "Dude!" (because, sometimes, dude). "Look at this hat!"

I put it on and instantly I could sense it had been waiting for me. It was MINE.

Mike turned and, seeing me in all my piratey glory, bellowed, "That is the GREATEST fucking thing I've ever seen!" Truly he is wise.

We raid and plunder the store for our desired libations and boldly stride up to the register, me with my new hat in its rightful place.

"This hat is awesome," I said.

"Look at how awesome that fucking hat is!" Mike added.

They looked upon me and were appropriately moved by my mighty visage.

"Look how great I look in it."

"Look at how fucking gorgeous he is in that thing!" It should be noted that Mike, like so many straight men before him, is confused by the feelings I give him in his swimsuit area.

"I'm taking it with me, obviously."

"There's no WAY he's leaving without it!"

Now you might be saying to yourself, But...stealing is wrong! and you'd be correct. Mostly. There are situations that warrant a little misdemeanor larceny. Some even that demand it. This was one of those times. If police had been present they surely would have applauded me and told everyone to calm down and, if it came to it, stand in front of a judge and declare my actions naught but joy filled shenanigans. Though of course I'm not sure how shenanigans are covered under the law. Does the 3 strikes rule come into play? Are previous shenanigans held against you or in your favor? It's a mystery.

Anyway, we paid for our booze (a noble act on our part, I feel) and headed for the door.

One of the still stunned employees blurted out, "So...you're taking the hat?"

"Yeah. Later."

So I told you all of that to tell you this. I got this cool plastic pirate hat now. It's awesome.

Is that Henry Rollins in pink sweatpants?

If you can pine for someone or something can you also elm for them/it? Douglas fir? When does it get dirty? Baby I oaked for you all day. What'd you do last night? Redwooded for your fine ass. I'm curious as to how it works.



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I'm still afraid of Skynet. Moreso now than ever before.



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The Fuck should be a unit of measure.



I want to buy a motorized scooter they make for the elderly and try to sign up for marathons in it.



Should I be concerned about the number of conversations I start with, "So when the zombies come..."?



I've recently started calling people gormless. I think it needs to make a comeback. Bonus, no one will know what you're talking about. I've gotten my nephew doing it...to his teachers.



"Biggest strength?" "Collapsing probability waveforms."



I am unbeatable at Scene it. Got that? UNBEATABLE!



I want to heckle someone during sex. "Boo! You're terrible at this! I've seen sexier shit in midget porn!" Something along those lines. Just have to remember to cover anything easily hurt and run before they can find anything sharp.



Great way to get out of a stupid conversation: After the other person prattles on for a few sentences stop them and say "Wait, I thought we were talking about my penis. What are you on about?" They'll leave you alone after that.



"Unique quality you can bring to our company?" "Gibbering madness. IA! IA! Cthulhu fhtagn!"



I'm still not on myspace or facebook or twitter. I win. Yay me.