Can she spell Polidori?

Eventually I knew I would have to write something about Stephenie Meyer. I don't want to. I have to. You see, this level of aggressive, willfully ignorant bullshit draws me to it. I want so much to ignore it but I can't. I want to be able to shake my head sadly and walk away.

Not gonna happen, folks.

For those of you who are lucky and don't know Stephenie Meyer she is the, for want of a better word, writer of the Twilight series. For those who are exceptionally lucky and don't know what that is, it's a series of YA vampire books. If vampires were toothless puppies and dipped in glitter.

"But Uncle E," I hear you saying, "Why do you choose to focus on this person when there are so many bad writers out there to choose from?" I'm glad you asked. Let me explain:

The vampire legend itself is ancient with roots tracing back several millennia. As far as things that go bump in the night go, they're old school. They come in many varieties ranging from mindless things barely more than Romero zombies to your more modern nobility in formal wear. In some cultures they drink blood, in some they leech the very life force out of you. There are many, many different kinds of vampire is what I'm saying and that's just the legend. The ones that people used to live in real fear of day to day from culture to culture, century after century literally all over the world.

Then you get into vamps in literature and later films and still later TV. Most of it, and by that I mean the overwhelming majority, isn't good. Most of it is bad and a lot of it is downright awful. But when it's good, man is it good.

Le Fanu's Carmilla, King's Salem's Lot, Matheson's I Am Legend, Wilson's Midnight Mass and so on plus, of course, Bram Stoker's Dracula. I mean, everyone's read that one right? Right?

I told you all that to tell you this: By reading those last three short and off the top of my head paragraphs you just did more research than Stephenie Meyers did before beginning work on the Twilight series. I am not making this up as a jokey way of saying her books are bad. The books are bad because she's a terrible fucking writer. I say that because out of her own mouth she does not read horror books. Does not read vampire books (so no, she's never read Dracula). Does not watch horror movies. Hell, does not watch R rated movies AT ALL. In interviews she said she saw a little piece of Interview With A Vampire on TV and her thoughts on it were summed up with, "Yuck" and then she thinks, thinks she saw a bit of The Lost Boys (which I love) and her opinion of it was, "but I was like, creepy!"

I'm not making this shit up.

As a lover of literature and a person with deep respect for the process this kind of bullshit offends me. It makes me feel ill. The insipid tripe she pushes on people has vampires that wander around in the day and they sparkle. Get that? They sparkle. And there's a strong message of celibacy in her books. Are you fucking kidding me? Vampires, particularly modern vampires ARE sex! Everything they do is centered around sex either figuratively or literally. You have to be some kind of fucking moron to not see it. Or maybe a mormon like Meyers is. Probably both actually with at least a little fairly serious head trauma thrown in for good measure. It's like writing about werewolves that willingly wear leashes and are housebroken and beg for bacon flavored doggie treats. Actually it's more like trying to make a porn movie when you've never had sex or even seen human genitals before.

Fucking ignorant bitch.

The level of disrespect this dumps on the long history of vampire fiction is something I can't recall ever seeing before. I can't think of another example as bad as this horrid, puerile gunch. Hey I heard of these things called vampires! They're like, these things! And they have, like, teeth! I think! And uh...they do stuff! I'm gonna write a book about them except make them nice and sparkly!

Nex time you get the urge to write Stephenie, do us all a favor and take your head out of your ass, run as fast as you can to the nearest convenient set of train tracks and stand on them. Then shoot yourself in the fucking head a split second before the train splatters your worthless ass all over creation you brainless, contemptible, utterly fucking ignorant imbecile.

I'm thinking most of you probably won;t really understand my intense hatred for this woman and that's a shame. Actually it's probably better for you if you don't.

I had more venom to spit but I'm just too tired for it.