No one demanded it, so it's back! With assurances that I have actually done all of these things, I give you:
Five things that are fun to do in a public restroom.
1. Give commentary on what someone else is doing. Someone you don't know. If they have a particularly strong stream then by all means show your appreciation. (This one is especially fun in a thick and very fake Scottish brogue: Listen tae the soond o' tha piss! It soonds like ye've go' a fire hose goin' in there!) If the smell is...interesting...let them know that you notice their effort. (Sweet weepin' Yeshua what the fuck is that smell!? *fart noise* Dude! That ain't something you ate, that's something that crawled up your ass and died! You want me to go get a paramedic or something?)
2. As my male readers know, most guys walk up to a urinal and get in close. Really close. Some guys crawl right in that thing like they're terrified that someone might see their shame. This is the right time to try #2. When one of these guys has no choice but to use the urinal next to you, look over at him, right in the face (or side of the head if he refuses to turn) and then take a step back away from your urinal. A big step. Keep your eyes locked on him the whole time. You taking a step back will make the other guy almost literally try to flush himself down his urinal.
I mean really, who cares if some random guy you'll never see again gets a peek at your crank? These people need to unclench.
3. Walk up next to someone while they are at the urinal. Look directly at their gadgetry and say, "Hey. Nice cock."
4. In a crowded restroom, go into a stall when you have to take a monster piss. You know the kind that seems to go on for days? Yeah, one of those. The entire time you are in the stall emptying out, make over the top noises that can only be described as "sexual." Someone WILL laugh, I assure you. Mostly you'll freak a lot of uptight people out though which is always a good thing.
5. Just hang out in there for a couple of minutes. This one works best right after a movie lets out so there will be high traffic for a while. Don't use the facilities. Just loiter. And be obvious that you are just watching people go to the bathroom.
There you have it. Now you all have homework. I expect full reports on my desk very soon. Bear in mind that some (re: all) of these things may cause the other person or persons to react with violence so only do it to people that you feel confident are either very sheepish or whose ass you are confident that you can kick. Happy restrooming!
4 comments:
My personal version of number 3 is to look down, then look them in the eye, grin, and give them a thumbs up.
Preferably with a Fonzy-like "heyyyy"
It's stuff like this that makes me glad I am separated from you by the worlds widest ocean.
As much as I like you and all...
That's a messed up list, man. The closest I've been to that was just Monday, when I came into the city with my girlfriend for her job interview... when she went in I went to the bathroom, the design was awful for moving around. The hand basins were next to the door, but the aisle for access to the stalls was right down the middle forming a T shape... not a lot of space to move.
Anyway, I finished up and was washing my hands when this guy coughed from behind me, stuck in the intersection looking to pass. So I moved to the left to give him space and he just stood there looking impatient, finally he says "CAN YOU MOVE, MATE?" so I stepped the other way, "Sorry, I thought you were going to wash your hands" and he did a big crotch adjust like he was undoing a wedgie "Pffft, what the fuck for?" and left.
Classy. Very classy.
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