Five Things, Next on Cinemax Late Night

So I'm talking to Blue about Kev's junk and that got me thinking about, well, Kev's junk, but after that I started thinking about other junk related activities which has led us here. With assurances that all of these are things I genuinely want to do, I give you:

Five unfulfilled sexual fantasies

1. I want to have sex with a nun. A lot. Most of you already know this by now I think but some of you might think it's a joke. It's not. When I see a nun my heart beats faster, my hands itch, my breathing gets rapid and shallow, my mouth starts to water and I ache to get involved in a situation with her that ends with me saying, "No, leave the habit on."

Mother Theresa looked like an old peanut but I would've hit that like Samson swingin' a jawbone. I want to make a woman cheat. On God. With me.

2. Just once I'd really love to reach climax and, instead of OH GOD! or YES! or OH GOD YES! or some variation of yeses and calling out to higher powers or some complimentary thing about the other person, yell out as loud as I can, "GET OUT!!!!" then go straight to the bathroom, come back out and say, "Why are you still here? I asked you to leave."

No matter what happens after that it will be comedy gold.

3. I want to have sex with someone outrageously good looking. Now, I've been with pretty girls and once or twice even someone I would go so far as to call beautiful but I mean something beyond that. Crazy good looking. Monica Bellucci level, oh shit what do I do now, I'm actually frightened of this woman she is so fucking gorgeous, good looking.

I'm not sure exactly what the appeal of it is besides the obvious but I know there's a deeper thing going on there. I assume I'll figure it out when it happens.

4. I'd really love to split myself into 2 people and have sex with myself. I know what I like and what I don't. I know where all the good stuff is. I know how much pain is just the right amount of pain. Plus I'm pretty sure I could put me through a wall without any permanent damage and that's not something that you can do with just anyone.

Think about it. It's pretty hot.

5. I'd like to get involved in dirty talk that devolves into trash talk. Lots of people like the dirty talk and that's fine and dandy. Some people like it mild with just the barest hint of dirt and some like it so filthy that it makes the devil weep.

What I want is for it to go a little to the left and come out in a place of awesomeness. A place where, "Do you like that (insert dirty name)?" turns into, "Is that all you got!? You got nothin'!!" Where a demand for harder or faster turns into, "BRING IT, BITCH!!"

Ah what a wonderful place that would be.

Unite under our banner!

It occurred to me a few days ago that Taco, Noq and myself were all born within 9 days of each other. Not only are we all Scorpio, which all right thinking people know is one of only two zodiac signs (Scorpio and Other), but we are all grouped very close together. I declare it a sign from the gods. When we sit on our thrones in blessed Zebulon that stretch of days will be an empire wide holiday full of feasting and merrymaking and nudity and drunkenness and peyote trips and dancing and bonfires and much much laughter.

One of your kings has spoken. As it is written, so shall it be. Zebulon without end. Pass the Yuengling. So be it.

Like it wasn't bad enough already

So the TV writers are on strike again. Great. Looking through the disagreement I think both sides have a legit gripe but come on people, not this again. Some shows I like had to go immediately into reruns (Letterman, The Daily Show) and most shows have a few in the can and a few scripts to work with and then they too will start the reruns. They're already talking about scrapping the entire season of Lost, which I like quite a lot, until 2009 and 24 is likely to follow owing to its premise.

You know what it means if this drags on right? Reality shows. Lots of them. The networks are going to try to keep viewers and the only way to make new shows will be to make new shitty reality shows. I already hate all the old shitty reality shows and am on record numerous times about it. I fucking hate them. Now there are going to be a shit load more and y'know what? The lowest common denominator is going to eat it up and beg for more. In case you didn't know, the lowest common denominator is a LOT of people. It's not like most of these people will shrug and turn off the TV and pick up a book. No, no, they'll tune into whatever nitwittery the networks air just to have the TV on. Barn Raising With the Stars! Extreme Celebrity Fishing! I shouldn't do that lest I give them ideas.

This means that even when the strike ends there will be even less room on the schedule for scripted show than there is now. While you would think that less room would mean more competition which would lead to the cream rising to the top, you'd be wrong. It makes sense to think it but it won't happen. Isn't TV in general dumb enough without this? Do we really need to go out of our way to make it worse?

Look TV people, I realize you're just trying to look out for yourselves whichever side you're on but seriously, you're contributing to the further dumbing down of the country and we can't afford to get much dumber. Make a short term deal and get back to work and hammer something else out as you go. My brain begs you.