So I'm talking to Blue about Kev's junk and that got me thinking about, well, Kev's junk, but after that I started thinking about other junk related activities which has led us here. With assurances that all of these are things I genuinely want to do, I give you:
Five unfulfilled sexual fantasies
1. I want to have sex with a nun. A lot. Most of you already know this by now I think but some of you might think it's a joke. It's not. When I see a nun my heart beats faster, my hands itch, my breathing gets rapid and shallow, my mouth starts to water and I ache to get involved in a situation with her that ends with me saying, "No, leave the habit on."
Mother Theresa looked like an old peanut but I would've hit that like Samson swingin' a jawbone. I want to make a woman cheat. On God. With me.
2. Just once I'd really love to reach climax and, instead of OH GOD! or YES! or OH GOD YES! or some variation of yeses and calling out to higher powers or some complimentary thing about the other person, yell out as loud as I can, "GET OUT!!!!" then go straight to the bathroom, come back out and say, "Why are you still here? I asked you to leave."
No matter what happens after that it will be comedy gold.
3. I want to have sex with someone outrageously good looking. Now, I've been with pretty girls and once or twice even someone I would go so far as to call beautiful but I mean something beyond that. Crazy good looking. Monica Bellucci level, oh shit what do I do now, I'm actually frightened of this woman she is so fucking gorgeous, good looking.
I'm not sure exactly what the appeal of it is besides the obvious but I know there's a deeper thing going on there. I assume I'll figure it out when it happens.
4. I'd really love to split myself into 2 people and have sex with myself. I know what I like and what I don't. I know where all the good stuff is. I know how much pain is just the right amount of pain. Plus I'm pretty sure I could put me through a wall without any permanent damage and that's not something that you can do with just anyone.
Think about it. It's pretty hot.
5. I'd like to get involved in dirty talk that devolves into trash talk. Lots of people like the dirty talk and that's fine and dandy. Some people like it mild with just the barest hint of dirt and some like it so filthy that it makes the devil weep.
What I want is for it to go a little to the left and come out in a place of awesomeness. A place where, "Do you like that (insert dirty name)?" turns into, "Is that all you got!? You got nothin'!!" Where a demand for harder or faster turns into, "BRING IT, BITCH!!"
Ah what a wonderful place that would be.
11 comments:
Put me through a wall, baby. What? Is that all you've got?! BRING IT, BITCH!
What if I dress up like Monica Bellucci in a nun's habit and trash talk you? That's the best I can do.
Funny sex related story time.
There was one semester in college where I was effectively living on a friend's couch. Between class, work, and band practice, I often wouldn't be heading home until after midnight. Friend lived closer to all three of those activities than I did at the time, so i would crash at his place during the week.
Said house was the hang-out spot for us on Friday nights, and one such night, we (friend, friend's roommate, couple of the guys in the band i was in at the time, myself) were just chilling out watching Evil Dead 2.
I forget exactly what led to the conversation, but my drummer wound up saying "You know how i find out if a chick is a keeper? After we're done fucking, i just kind of cuddle up to her so my ass cheeks are wrapped around her thigh, and I fart." We all had a good laugh at that.
Fast froward to wednesday of the next week, and once again I was crashing on friend's couch. Friend was in his bedroom with his girlfriend, doing what couples do. Playing with matchbox cars, or something. Anyway, as I lay there trying to fall asleep, from friends bedroom i hear: *PPPFFRRRRRRT* followed by a half terrified, half surprised squeal, followed by friend's voice yelling "Yes!"
Fast forward a couple years, and friend and that girl have been happily married for about four years.
The end.
Mmmmm... matchbox cars...
i've forgotten whether anyone here watches Nip/Tuck, but MAN Coyote you shoulda seen last night's episode. Nun with GIANT tits (getting a breast reduction, in the name of her almighty hubby). IT was pretty hot material, and she wasn't no mother theresa - no monica belluci either, but close enough.
i heart #2. i would have respect for you, if it were done to me, just out of appreciation of the fact that it is indeed GOLDEN.
gorgeous people are generally pertty stellar in bed too, perhaps because they've got an astronomical level of confidence. thats my experience anyway.
personally, I have sex with myself all the time. but yeah, id like to actually be able to fuck another ME. Yeah...I've had dreams about that.
I have actually DONE that - dirty talk starting out in a mild area, and gotten to that final stage of utter rotteness...of course it was a part I had to do in my rock show for an orgasm contest - But here was my ending bit that I add-libbed until it came to this perfect-perfection:
"come on you dirt bag, scum sucking piece of shit! Make it hurt, fuck me bloody - FUCK - MAKE ME COME OR I'M GONNA STAB YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE"
oh memories.
Fuck me like you hate me, Coyote.
Didn't you watch last week's episode of The Office? Sounds like you're after some smack talk, what's all this about trash talk!
Hey buddy,
You forgot the one where you put a communion wafer on the end of yer ding-dong and offer it to your sex partner saying, "Body of Christ?"
I too have religious fantasies, I wanna play Jesus and Mary Magdalene with someone who looks like the long-haired bearded hippy Jesus and incorporate flagellation and such.
Which place would let you have sex with Jesus, heaven or hell? Cuz that's where I'd like to vacation.
Ahem. I seem to be going unfucked. If I'm not soon bruised up like it's the morning after I stole your rent money, there's gonna be consequences.
I may slump about rather peevishly.
You've been warned.
It's good to know that I know people that I can tell this stuff too and not have them get nervous and back slowly away. I get that a lot.
Blue made me do it!
Suyapi if you did that I imagine it would end with a trip to the emergency room. In a good way.
I'm not a Bears fan. Just to clarify.
I don't even allow people to fart in my car let alone on me. My OCD would have me scrubbing the fart laden body part until it bled.
I don't think I've ever been threatened with violence during sex but now I can't think of anything else...
*fucks Taco like I hate him*
*twice*
Smack talk is for noobs. Trash talk is old school.
In a perfect world I would be able to get the nun to do the communion wafer thing, cry and STILL go through with the hot monkey love. Just thinking about it makes me...
I'll be in my bunk.
I am totally down with #4. Of course, I'd also like to get into a fight with my alternate self, but that plays into another fantasy and the whole thing starts to get recursive.
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