I wish my brain had a mouth so it could actually vomit once in a while.
Popcorn flavored jelly beans are fucking gross. Seriously. You'd think it'd be great. Jelly beans! Yay! Popcorn! Yay! Then you chew the jelly bean and it tastes. Like. Popcorn. So nasty.
OK stop reading and go get a dictionary. I'll wait. OK, now look up the word decimate. Got it? Read it. Twice. Done? Great. Now stop fucking misusing it you nerve wracking bastards!
Fuck Michigan.
Do dropped text messages go to the same place that odd socks and lost pens go? Maybe it's more compartmentalized. Divisions of labor and whatnot. They all go to the main area together and then get divided up and stored individually. Either way, can I get all my shit back? Please?
So I was reading the paper as is my wont (because I'm not miserable enough obviously) and I come across an article about, wait for it, competitive yoga. Think about that. Competitive yoga. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm more enlightened than you! Eat it bitch! What's next, competitive Judaism? Shalom, motherfucker!
Do amputees get drunk faster than normal folk?
Nascar. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Two things that do not go well together: Toothpaste and orange juice. Make a note.
Y'know what would be awesome? If Rob Zombie wrote a biography of Pee Wee Herman.
Rock me sexy Jesus.
I've been listening to a lot of Pink Floyd and Judas Priest lately. A lot. Now I can't decide whether to dress in leather head to toe and ponder my own sanity or sodomize my inner child. Tough call.
3 comments:
That post really decimated me. Because evidently I'm the 10 person to read it and it's currently trying to kill me.
As for the amputees, here's what I'm wondering. I seem to remember getting drunk as proportional to body weight. Assuming I have that correct, if an amputee weighs 150, and a non-amputee weighs 150, all things being equal, shouldn't they have equal tolerances?
Hm...
Yay Kath & Kim!
You should let your noggin vomit more.
Popcorn jelly beans cause bad cognitive dissonance. Bacon jelly beans are worse.
Exactly. The word they're looking for is annihilate. It infuriates me, too, when people don't know that decimate means "having sex with ten women."
I tried, but most of Michigan won't return my phone calls.
I think lost text messages are intercepted by PETA. Not that PETA. People for the Ethical Treatment of the Alphabet. They're trying to save the letters from misuse at the hands of teenagers who write "u" instead of "you." Sometimes your text messages get lost in the crossfire. Sorry. If it's any consolation, they're now free-range text messages on a lovely farm in Indiana.
It's an Olympic event now. Jeanne Schuster took the gold in the 100m Freestyle Guilt Trip this year.
Yes, but mainly because they have more to get drunk over.
How the "sport" developed is actually kinda interesting. What it turned into is actually kinda sad. The fact that 7/10 competitors and 9/10 fans are named Dale is kinda hilarious.
Two other things that do not go well together: beer and ice cream.
Fuck you, sir. Now I've got Dragula playing in my head, except it's about Pee Wee Herman. "DANCE to Tequila, was FRIENDS with Phil Hartman, and TUGGED on his weiner, it's PEE WEE HERMAN..."
I say we start a cover band called Judas Floyd. We'll cover Judas Priest songs in the style of Pink Floyd, and cover Pink Floyd songs in the style of Judas Priest. It'll be awesome. Our first album cover should be Floyd the Barber betraying Jesus to the Romans. Since I mentioned Jesus, this counts for the last two points. Double word score! 192 points! I win!
I cant' wait to see the Judean People's Front go Against the People's Front of Judea in the Mitzvah bowl.
Fuck Michigan. Seconded.
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