I keep forgetting to tell you faithful few about my trip to Ohio. We went up for Rosalita's grandmother's 90th birthday. Since I freak out a little just looking at a plane we drove up which means we had to drive through Pennsylvania.
What a shithole.
Aside from the mysterious pockets of unexplainable stink you have to drive through from time to time, the place is crawling with Steelers fans. I wish hell were a real place so the Steelers and all their fans could burn in it. Because I hate them in case that was in some way unclear. (GO RAVENS!) Rosalita yelled at me approximately 183 times for informing the natives that their state is a hole and their various sports franchises are worthy of nothing but ridicule and contempt. Some of this when we stopped for gas and to stretch our legs. Apparently it's "rude" to "insult" people. Who knew? I was just trying to help them see the truth!
So yeah we get there and meet and greet and obviously grandma loves me (I mean really, was there some other way for that to end?) and at some point we end up in a store. There's an old lady in there, easily 75, buying lottery tickets. When she's done she turns to me and says, "Am I going to win?" to which I reply, "Of course you are." then she smiles her sweet old lady smile, walks behind me and grabs my butt and walks off.
But wait, there's more.
Before I can think to react on how awesome it is to get goosed by the elderly, she comes back and gets a handful of the other cheek. Clearly this is already the best trip ever.
Skipping ahead...skipping ahead...
We get to the actual birthday party and it's like a parade of old ladies. What's more, the more they come the shorter they get and it's not like the first ones were anything but short to begin with. Tiny, tiny women. I swear I was 3 inches taller than the last one to show while I was sitting down. Seriously there were so many and they were so short I wanted to hand out dark robes, whip out a silver ball and re-enact Phantasm. I practice pointing menacingly at people and calling them "BOY" for just such a chance. It would've been great.
I also got to hang out with Noq, which was mucho yay. All my friends live forever away in places that are not here so getting to see them is always a big win. Move here you heartless fuckers!
*ahem*
So yeah, we met at a bar to watch the Cavs game (there ain't much else to do in Ohio when it's not college football season, they tell me) and I'm pretty sure one of us accidentally ate the waitress, mistaking her for a single pork rib. It's the only way to explain how long we waited for someone to take our order. Eventually there was beer.
Delicious beer.
I introduced him to Rosalita (Seriously dude, Mexican. Don't believe her lies.) then we geeked out at each other for as long as we could. It was glorious.
Eventually we had to leave which involved another drive through PA (mystery stink, shitty state, terrible people, etc) then finally back home. YAY! I like going other places mostly because they remind me how much I love my home state. Thanks for that, other places! I appreciate your efforts to be less awesome.
7 comments:
While seeing Noq is indeed yay and win...I'm thinking being double goosed by an old lady has to be the best part of that trip. I mean, a regular goosing by an old lady is awesome enough, but going back for the second cheek?
Gold.
Also, you were in Ohio, which is only one state over from Indiana. You couldn't come visit?
Hmmph.
HMMPH.
Hell, the schedule was so tight I only got to see Noq because he lives, like, 25 miles from where we were and could drive over. I have to get all you lot to MD at one time one of these days. It'll be so awesome none of you will ever leave.
HUZZAH!
I think accidentally inhaled through my mouth in the presence of the waitress and she was sucked in. She was rather wafer thin, after all.
I forgot to mention the bosco sticks. How have I gone so long without hearing about such a wonderful thing? They should be on the menu in every restaurant in the world.
I'm still reeling over the implications of the title of this post. If I understand this correctly, your mother was Henry Ford, who cheated on her husband -- a doctor whose identity I haven't puzzled out yet -- with your real father -- do you have any famous air force pilots in Maryland? I don't know much about pilots, so I can't guess his identity.
So anyway, after this awesome cross country trip, they all went batshit insane over you and killed each other. And since nobody had your cell phone number, Noq raised you as his own while being mistaken by our greatest scientists as one of the Appalachian mountains.
Somehow old ladies goosing you enter into this, which is pretty awesome, but I'm going to have to be honest and admit I'm more interested in the orgies that inevitably follow you sitting at the bottom of a pool for like 45 minutes.
Or did I misgrok?
My love for you is like a truck.
Nah, they deserved to be told.
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