One giant evolutionary step back

Last Friday (yeah yeah I know it's Tuesday now, I've been busy, fuckers!) I moved into a new office. It's much better than the one I was in and MUCH better than the one before that with the bitchtastic boss I had to share it with. The IT dude delivered my new computer, the old one being a 600 mhz fossil that was a wire and a half away from being an abacus, and I had to get my desk over there. All was yay and fluffy kittens.

Yeah, sure. This is me we're talking about people.

My brother in law works for the same company and is also big and manly like me so I called him and he came from his office to help me with the desk. This desk is a beast. A big, heavy, solid, heavy, long and heavy thing.

It's also pretty heavy.

So we manhandle it into position and hoist it up like the strapping men we are. Somehow I'm the one that ends up walking backwards and as we're passing a sticky outy part of the wall I hear, "Watch your fingers."

BAMCRUSHFUCKITHURTS

There went my right thumb. Caught between the desk, which I may have mentioned is fairly weighty, and the wall, which didn't have a whole lot of give in it, was my thumb. Crushed. Ow.

OK, no problem. My pain tolerance is high so I try to grip the right side of the desk with just my fingers and we continue. So as we're maneuvering through one of the doors in our path, the second of four, I hear, "Seriously now, watch your fingers."

SMASHCRUSHWHATTHEFUCKSWEETMOTHERTHATFUCKINGHURTS

Left thumb caught between the desk, still heavy, and the frame of the door, made of metal and therefore harder and less forgiving than, say, cotton candy. Smashed it real good chief.

So now I have no thumbs. I am below the lowest of primates at this point. No opposable thumbs. Survival of the fittest isn't working out too well for me. Anyone got an icepack or something?