Some of you may know that I have a problem remembering people's names. Not a problem like you have to tell me twice, a problem like you might tell me everyday for 2 weeks and I still won't know it tomorrow. It's very odd and I really don't understand it because my memory in other areas is strangely good.
Anyway, I realized there's hardly anyone at work I call by their real name. So for a lark I'm going to make a list of things I call people at work instead of their actual names (in some cases I still don't know their names and I've been there for over nine months now and in a couple of cases I figured out their names but refuse to use them):
-Pod Ken
-Chuckish - He was hired 2 months ago. They introduced me to him and as soon as he walked away I asked what his name was. Someone said, "Chuck? Ish?" so now he's Chuckish. His name might not even be Chuck. I wouldn't know.
-Wackenfuss Lafayette - This one makes no sense. The guy goes by his initials. Two letters and I couldn't remember it. This mouthful of silly however I couldn't forget if I wanted to.
-White Ninja
-Bark-a-lee
-Food Santa - Because Food Santa
-Pockets
-Rain Man
-Chim Chim - Because he's an irritating fucking monkey.
-Squirrelly - This guy, for sure, will be on the news soon because they will find cut up lady parts in his freezer. No bullshit.
-Anorexic Clint
-Fancy Pants - There are pants involved. They are quite fancy.
-Douchenbacher
-Fluffy Puppy Rainbows
-Honky Ass Cracker
-Cracker Ass Honky - Note the difference.
-Fuckin'...*points at the guy* - It's become a thing. His name is officially Fuckin' a short pause and then a pointing motion.
What is wrong with my brain?
Showing posts with label only me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label only me. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, November 22, 2010
Memory is a silly bitch
So I was at work and got a form to fill out from the company. They want permission to access my driving record in case they decide to give me company car or something in the next year. Make sure I don't have 17 DUI's or that my license isn't suspended for being involved in a bunch of hit and runs or whatever. Not exceedingly likely but I'll play along just in case. I get to the section that requires taking info from the license itself to I take it out. License number. Blah blah blah. License expires on...shit. Expired on my birthday.
Which was, let's see, oh that's right, ALMOST TWO WEEKS AGO.
Luckily my boss is pretty cool and thinks I'm awesome so he shoves me out the door to go do it in the middle of the work day. Have I mentioned I hate the MVA? Because I do. What with the metal benches and understaffing and taking 2 hours to do something that actually takes 15 minutes and having to be surrounded by lots of people who are ALWAYS way creepy. Is it that most people are way creepy or is it just at the MVA? The ratio of creepy people to normal people seems to be quite pronounced there. Anyway, I get it sorted out, pay my money and rocket back to work.
Does this kind of thing happen to anyone else? Ever?
Which was, let's see, oh that's right, ALMOST TWO WEEKS AGO.
Luckily my boss is pretty cool and thinks I'm awesome so he shoves me out the door to go do it in the middle of the work day. Have I mentioned I hate the MVA? Because I do. What with the metal benches and understaffing and taking 2 hours to do something that actually takes 15 minutes and having to be surrounded by lots of people who are ALWAYS way creepy. Is it that most people are way creepy or is it just at the MVA? The ratio of creepy people to normal people seems to be quite pronounced there. Anyway, I get it sorted out, pay my money and rocket back to work.
Does this kind of thing happen to anyone else? Ever?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
If nothing else, me and Taco will definitely survive
Like most mornings, I stopped for a cup of coffee on the way to work. I have a small (re: huge) caffeine addiction I need to feed pretty much all day everyday. I don't know whether to quit caffeine right away since it almost got me killed or thank it for helping warn me about the end of the world. I could go either way.
As I'm getting back into my vehicle with my cup o' love I hear a noise. I look around and see him. It. Patient Zero in all his Romero-esque glory. A fucking zombie. Shuffling toward me, hands raised, mouth agape and ready to bite, he came. I quickly remembered my rules and having no proper weapon with which to dispatch the walking dead I hustled into the safety of my vehicle, just in the nick of time mind you, and sped off.
It was a close call but there's no time to feel good about my escape. The end is well and truly fucking nigh. Don't bother repenting, get armed and prepare for the war.
Of course it might have just been a mentally off homeless dude but why take chances? I'll find out tomorrow when I stop for more java. With a couple of dead blow hammers.
Monday, January 11, 2010
At least Im not pissing in your houseplants
So I was thinking the other day about bodily functions. Specifically those that people feel they have to respond to with their words. I find the whole thing ridiculous and as such have come up with something to show exactly how ridiculous I think it is. Details below!
First you have burping which everyone does and everyone seems to think is rude and expects you to excuse yourself for. Utter nonsense. How is it rude to do something that EVERYONE does and that no one has any control over doing? It's like apologizing or expecting someone to apologize to you for having to pee. Oh I'm sorry! I had to go to the bathroom! How rude of me! It's idiocy. Admit it.
Next we have sneezing and everyone's desire to bless me and have me in turn bless them every time it happens. Talk about dumb. Look up all the various things that are put forward as the origin of it and none of them make a lick of sense in the 21st century. Are there really still people who think their souls get ejected from their bodies when they sneeze? How about that they spit out their sins or evil spirits and they have to be blessed lest they jump back in and so on and so on? Doing something because it's been done for a long time is a seriously fucking stupid reason to do anything let alone something that didn't make a whole lot of sense in the first place. And not to start a theological thing but what about those of us that don't want your or your god's blessing? Keep it to yourself, thanks.
Anyway, for the last few days I've been barking at people when they sneeze or after I burp. It's no more ridiculous than the stuff they expect and instead of irritating me for being illogical and stupid it makes me giggle because I do love a bit of light absurdity in my day when I can get it.
Woof.
First you have burping which everyone does and everyone seems to think is rude and expects you to excuse yourself for. Utter nonsense. How is it rude to do something that EVERYONE does and that no one has any control over doing? It's like apologizing or expecting someone to apologize to you for having to pee. Oh I'm sorry! I had to go to the bathroom! How rude of me! It's idiocy. Admit it.
Next we have sneezing and everyone's desire to bless me and have me in turn bless them every time it happens. Talk about dumb. Look up all the various things that are put forward as the origin of it and none of them make a lick of sense in the 21st century. Are there really still people who think their souls get ejected from their bodies when they sneeze? How about that they spit out their sins or evil spirits and they have to be blessed lest they jump back in and so on and so on? Doing something because it's been done for a long time is a seriously fucking stupid reason to do anything let alone something that didn't make a whole lot of sense in the first place. And not to start a theological thing but what about those of us that don't want your or your god's blessing? Keep it to yourself, thanks.
Anyway, for the last few days I've been barking at people when they sneeze or after I burp. It's no more ridiculous than the stuff they expect and instead of irritating me for being illogical and stupid it makes me giggle because I do love a bit of light absurdity in my day when I can get it.
Woof.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Arbor Day gets no respect
So while I was off on Monday (four day work weeks are awesome) I decided to go to get my driver's license stuff straight. I have to renew my tags but I can't until I get a change of address on my license which I can't do online and for free like everyone else (whole other issue) so since I don't sleep anyway and was up at the ass crack of dawn I decided to just go and do it. I grabbed a book figuring to be there for a while even if I was way early and off I went.
I get there a bit before they usually open and I see that there are hardly any cars in the lot. Five or six tops. Sweet, maybe I won't be forever and a day. I park and walk over and what do you know?
They're closed.
What. The. Fuck.
Now I'm pissed off and confused but I get home without killing anyone. Why the hell are they closed? To the interwebnets! Ah. I see. Columbus Day. The only "holiday" that challenges Valentine's Day for dumbest and most pointless. Wow, he got on a ship and sailed for a while and ended up meeting some people that they didn't know were there.
Big fucking deal.
He discovered nothing. He did nothing of note except open the door for the eventual heinous crimes against the natives. Good job. Totally worthy of a holiday. Either way I have yet another reason to hate Columbus Day.
Fucker.
I get there a bit before they usually open and I see that there are hardly any cars in the lot. Five or six tops. Sweet, maybe I won't be forever and a day. I park and walk over and what do you know?
They're closed.
What. The. Fuck.
Now I'm pissed off and confused but I get home without killing anyone. Why the hell are they closed? To the interwebnets! Ah. I see. Columbus Day. The only "holiday" that challenges Valentine's Day for dumbest and most pointless. Wow, he got on a ship and sailed for a while and ended up meeting some people that they didn't know were there.
Big fucking deal.
He discovered nothing. He did nothing of note except open the door for the eventual heinous crimes against the natives. Good job. Totally worthy of a holiday. Either way I have yet another reason to hate Columbus Day.
Fucker.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
One giant evolutionary step back
Last Friday (yeah yeah I know it's Tuesday now, I've been busy, fuckers!) I moved into a new office. It's much better than the one I was in and MUCH better than the one before that with the bitchtastic boss I had to share it with. The IT dude delivered my new computer, the old one being a 600 mhz fossil that was a wire and a half away from being an abacus, and I had to get my desk over there. All was yay and fluffy kittens.
Yeah, sure. This is me we're talking about people.
My brother in law works for the same company and is also big and manly like me so I called him and he came from his office to help me with the desk. This desk is a beast. A big, heavy, solid, heavy, long and heavy thing.
It's also pretty heavy.
So we manhandle it into position and hoist it up like the strapping men we are. Somehow I'm the one that ends up walking backwards and as we're passing a sticky outy part of the wall I hear, "Watch your fingers."
BAMCRUSHFUCKITHURTS
There went my right thumb. Caught between the desk, which I may have mentioned is fairly weighty, and the wall, which didn't have a whole lot of give in it, was my thumb. Crushed. Ow.
OK, no problem. My pain tolerance is high so I try to grip the right side of the desk with just my fingers and we continue. So as we're maneuvering through one of the doors in our path, the second of four, I hear, "Seriously now, watch your fingers."
SMASHCRUSHWHATTHEFUCKSWEETMOTHERTHATFUCKINGHURTS
Left thumb caught between the desk, still heavy, and the frame of the door, made of metal and therefore harder and less forgiving than, say, cotton candy. Smashed it real good chief.
So now I have no thumbs. I am below the lowest of primates at this point. No opposable thumbs. Survival of the fittest isn't working out too well for me. Anyone got an icepack or something?
Yeah, sure. This is me we're talking about people.
My brother in law works for the same company and is also big and manly like me so I called him and he came from his office to help me with the desk. This desk is a beast. A big, heavy, solid, heavy, long and heavy thing.
It's also pretty heavy.
So we manhandle it into position and hoist it up like the strapping men we are. Somehow I'm the one that ends up walking backwards and as we're passing a sticky outy part of the wall I hear, "Watch your fingers."
BAMCRUSHFUCKITHURTS
There went my right thumb. Caught between the desk, which I may have mentioned is fairly weighty, and the wall, which didn't have a whole lot of give in it, was my thumb. Crushed. Ow.
OK, no problem. My pain tolerance is high so I try to grip the right side of the desk with just my fingers and we continue. So as we're maneuvering through one of the doors in our path, the second of four, I hear, "Seriously now, watch your fingers."
SMASHCRUSHWHATTHEFUCKSWEETMOTHERTHATFUCKINGHURTS
Left thumb caught between the desk, still heavy, and the frame of the door, made of metal and therefore harder and less forgiving than, say, cotton candy. Smashed it real good chief.
So now I have no thumbs. I am below the lowest of primates at this point. No opposable thumbs. Survival of the fittest isn't working out too well for me. Anyone got an icepack or something?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Right, left, right, left. Seems simple enough.
There are some things that you'd think a full grown adult would be good enough at to do well all the time. Things like walking. This is not the case. I'm an experienced walker. Been doing it for decades. I've done it at home and school and work. I've done it for fun and under duress. I've done a lot of walking. A lot.
I still need practice apparently.
Today I was walking and there was a small and not at all steep ramp type thing and uh oh, twist, what the hell, thud. Down I went. Not a trip and then a few stumble steps. No no. I mean I went down. Full body splat on the ground. Now a different person might have gotten right up and gone on their way or more likely jumped up and looked around with that nervous thing people do when they feeling that weird shame thing I hear so much about.
Not me. I stayed down there. I gently put my head on the ground and decided to stay horizontal for a minute. It was quite nice really. Eventually I had to get up and then I realized that I had hurt one of my ankles. Again. I've had so many injuries to both my ankles that they are brittle now and prone to easy injury. So now I'll be hobbling around all limpy for a few days but I'll always have those precious moments of relaxation on the ground.
Good times.
I still need practice apparently.
Today I was walking and there was a small and not at all steep ramp type thing and uh oh, twist, what the hell, thud. Down I went. Not a trip and then a few stumble steps. No no. I mean I went down. Full body splat on the ground. Now a different person might have gotten right up and gone on their way or more likely jumped up and looked around with that nervous thing people do when they feeling that weird shame thing I hear so much about.
Not me. I stayed down there. I gently put my head on the ground and decided to stay horizontal for a minute. It was quite nice really. Eventually I had to get up and then I realized that I had hurt one of my ankles. Again. I've had so many injuries to both my ankles that they are brittle now and prone to easy injury. So now I'll be hobbling around all limpy for a few days but I'll always have those precious moments of relaxation on the ground.
Good times.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Ever have one of those days?
I don't. It implies that there are other kinds of days to have. Anyway, here's how my last two days have gone:
Tuesday I suffered possibly the worst allergy attack of my life. My sinuses punished me. They kicked my ass. Literally they crawled out of my head and put the boots to me. The inside of my head is still raw. I sneezed so much and so hard that I was dizzy and lightheaded for most of the day. At one point I wanted to rip my nose off of my head because that would have been more pleasant than what I was going through. I didn't sleep last night because I couldn't breathe and finally got up groggy and absolutely miserable. Off to work I go.
My sinuses loosen up for the most part today and I'm breathing better and hardly sneezing at all. The rawness wasn't nice but hey, it's better than the alternative right? Anyway, sometimes in the course of my job I have to go to one of our other offices and do this or that (OK I find work in general and my work in particular extremely boring so I'm not going to bore myself or you with the details) so I'm on my way back to my office where I'm hoping to sit at my desk for the rest of the day and decompress from yesterday.
Yeah. That was going to happen.
On the way back I was involved in an accident. Three vehicles involved, two of them totaled and hauled off on a wrecker. Four people involved and three of them taken away in ambulances (I hope those ladies are OK. Seriously). A manager came to the accident site (company policy) and I was driven back to my office then immediately taken for a breathalyzer and drug test (also company policy. No worries, I'm clean) and then returned to my office. All that took about 4 hours and I came home shortly thereafter.
So, how was your day?
Tuesday I suffered possibly the worst allergy attack of my life. My sinuses punished me. They kicked my ass. Literally they crawled out of my head and put the boots to me. The inside of my head is still raw. I sneezed so much and so hard that I was dizzy and lightheaded for most of the day. At one point I wanted to rip my nose off of my head because that would have been more pleasant than what I was going through. I didn't sleep last night because I couldn't breathe and finally got up groggy and absolutely miserable. Off to work I go.
My sinuses loosen up for the most part today and I'm breathing better and hardly sneezing at all. The rawness wasn't nice but hey, it's better than the alternative right? Anyway, sometimes in the course of my job I have to go to one of our other offices and do this or that (OK I find work in general and my work in particular extremely boring so I'm not going to bore myself or you with the details) so I'm on my way back to my office where I'm hoping to sit at my desk for the rest of the day and decompress from yesterday.
Yeah. That was going to happen.
On the way back I was involved in an accident. Three vehicles involved, two of them totaled and hauled off on a wrecker. Four people involved and three of them taken away in ambulances (I hope those ladies are OK. Seriously). A manager came to the accident site (company policy) and I was driven back to my office then immediately taken for a breathalyzer and drug test (also company policy. No worries, I'm clean) and then returned to my office. All that took about 4 hours and I came home shortly thereafter.
So, how was your day?
Monday, January 1, 2007
Happy New Year
So I decided to give this a try after I finally made it to being the last person without a blog, journal or myspace account. We'll see how it goes. Anyway, on to the post:
So it's January 1st 2007. Ah the first day of a new year. So full of possibilities and chances for fresh starts and new outlooks on life. For other people this is, not so much for me. Lemme 'splain.
So I'm at a social gathering to ring in the new year. It's a relatively small gathering and there are no people there that I hate so that's a good start. We sit, we joke, we laugh, at some point we played some poker, I won some money and all was well. Eventually there was a countdown, a small cheer and exchanges of good will and good wishes for the forthcoming year. More joking and laughing and a few hours later I decide to call it night. If only it were so simple.
Weighted down with my new winnings and carrying my collection of well wishes on my back I begin the short drive home. It was raining on and off all night and was back on during the trip. It's no more than 10 or 15 minutes from where I was to where I was going and my hopes were, well, not high but then not as low as usual so that was a small victory. With the windshield wipers keeping almost perfect time with the music and my new set of tires gripping the road, I'm enjoying the drive. Very few people on the road with me and I'm getting every light green. I do love green lights so very much.
"We'll not impede your progress," they say. "Off you go and Godspeed good traveller," I can almost hear them call when I go by. I don't like to think that they had malevolent intent on their minds. I want to believe that they were just being extra friendly to celebrate the new year in the only way they have. I really want to believe that.
As I come over the small rise to the last light before my turn onto my street I see that it too is green. "Come ahead then," it tells me. "You're almost there. Just through me and one minute more until you are home." I mentally call a greeting to this thoughtful director of traffic as I approach.
Who is this fellow staggering into the crosswalk, I think, right on the heels of this. Ah, never mind. He sees me and has stopped crossing against the light.
Scratch that. Here he comes...
BOOM
So, yeah, I hit him. Hit him good, too. It was kind of like shuffleboard except I didn't push a puck so much as ram a drunken moron and send him skidding down the wet road. He comes to a stop with his shirt and coat around his head and his goofy white butt sticking up in the air. My first thought was something like, "..." then a shake of the head and "...". Then, in a clear affront to logic and reason, the guy stands up. I look around and see another person already dialing a cell phone and this guy makes a beeline for that guy. I roll down the window and the guy on the phone tells me he's taking care of the calls (turns out he's an off duty detective and thank you for your help kind sir) and my human shuffleboard puck is trying to convince him not to do that. He wanders over to me and before I can say anything he asks me to just drive away. Over and over he tries to get me to leave the scene.
Anyway, long story short, the cops come, they quickly make sense of the situation, ask me if I want to file a report against the nitwit (I decline), load him into a squad car to get him home and send me on my way.
I really want to believe that this was not planned by evil traffic lights. I really do. I want to be friends with them. Then again, I wanted this new year not to suck. Such is life. Mine anyway.
Anyone know a good auto body shop that works cheap?
So it's January 1st 2007. Ah the first day of a new year. So full of possibilities and chances for fresh starts and new outlooks on life. For other people this is, not so much for me. Lemme 'splain.
So I'm at a social gathering to ring in the new year. It's a relatively small gathering and there are no people there that I hate so that's a good start. We sit, we joke, we laugh, at some point we played some poker, I won some money and all was well. Eventually there was a countdown, a small cheer and exchanges of good will and good wishes for the forthcoming year. More joking and laughing and a few hours later I decide to call it night. If only it were so simple.
Weighted down with my new winnings and carrying my collection of well wishes on my back I begin the short drive home. It was raining on and off all night and was back on during the trip. It's no more than 10 or 15 minutes from where I was to where I was going and my hopes were, well, not high but then not as low as usual so that was a small victory. With the windshield wipers keeping almost perfect time with the music and my new set of tires gripping the road, I'm enjoying the drive. Very few people on the road with me and I'm getting every light green. I do love green lights so very much.
"We'll not impede your progress," they say. "Off you go and Godspeed good traveller," I can almost hear them call when I go by. I don't like to think that they had malevolent intent on their minds. I want to believe that they were just being extra friendly to celebrate the new year in the only way they have. I really want to believe that.
As I come over the small rise to the last light before my turn onto my street I see that it too is green. "Come ahead then," it tells me. "You're almost there. Just through me and one minute more until you are home." I mentally call a greeting to this thoughtful director of traffic as I approach.
Who is this fellow staggering into the crosswalk, I think, right on the heels of this. Ah, never mind. He sees me and has stopped crossing against the light.
Scratch that. Here he comes...
BOOM
So, yeah, I hit him. Hit him good, too. It was kind of like shuffleboard except I didn't push a puck so much as ram a drunken moron and send him skidding down the wet road. He comes to a stop with his shirt and coat around his head and his goofy white butt sticking up in the air. My first thought was something like, "..." then a shake of the head and "...". Then, in a clear affront to logic and reason, the guy stands up. I look around and see another person already dialing a cell phone and this guy makes a beeline for that guy. I roll down the window and the guy on the phone tells me he's taking care of the calls (turns out he's an off duty detective and thank you for your help kind sir) and my human shuffleboard puck is trying to convince him not to do that. He wanders over to me and before I can say anything he asks me to just drive away. Over and over he tries to get me to leave the scene.
Anyway, long story short, the cops come, they quickly make sense of the situation, ask me if I want to file a report against the nitwit (I decline), load him into a squad car to get him home and send me on my way.
I really want to believe that this was not planned by evil traffic lights. I really do. I want to be friends with them. Then again, I wanted this new year not to suck. Such is life. Mine anyway.
Anyone know a good auto body shop that works cheap?
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