I like gypsy moths and radio talk...

I am so utterly sick of hopping back and forth between furious anger to the point that my hands itch to hurt someone and desperate sadness that makes me wish I'd just go to sleep and never wake up again.  I never thought I'd say it but I almost miss being medicated up to my fucking eyeballs.

Have to remember to mail some to your mom...

I was thinking about all the things I'd want done with my ashes after I die and get cremated and then started thinking about different places I'd want some of me spread around. Then of course it occurred to me that I'd be dead and wouldn't know what was going on anyway and the whole thing would be a waste. The point seems to be to have some of yourself be a part of places you love and such but once you're dead it's kind of pointless. You're not exactly going to get any enjoyment out of it.

Solution!

I'm going to start saving my fingernail clippings and spreading those around in places while I'm still alive so I can enjoy the fact that part of me is in an awesome place. Bonus in that I assume someone at some point will find them and be completely freaked out.

Sorry I...haven't been sleeping well.

At least Im not pissing in your houseplants

So I was thinking the other day about bodily functions. Specifically those that people feel they have to respond to with their words. I find the whole thing ridiculous and as such have come up with something to show exactly how ridiculous I think it is. Details below!

First you have burping which everyone does and everyone seems to think is rude and expects you to excuse yourself for. Utter nonsense. How is it rude to do something that EVERYONE does and that no one has any control over doing? It's like apologizing or expecting someone to apologize to you for having to pee. Oh I'm sorry! I had to go to the bathroom! How rude of me! It's idiocy. Admit it.

Next we have sneezing and everyone's desire to bless me and have me in turn bless them every time it happens. Talk about dumb. Look up all the various things that are put forward as the origin of it and none of them make a lick of sense in the 21st century. Are there really still people who think their souls get ejected from their bodies when they sneeze? How about that they spit out their sins or evil spirits and they have to be blessed lest they jump back in and so on and so on? Doing something because it's been done for a long time is a seriously fucking stupid reason to do anything let alone something that didn't make a whole lot of sense in the first place. And not to start a theological thing but what about those of us that don't want your or your god's blessing? Keep it to yourself, thanks.

Anyway, for the last few days I've been barking at people when they sneeze or after I burp. It's no more ridiculous than the stuff they expect and instead of irritating me for being illogical and stupid it makes me giggle because I do love a bit of light absurdity in my day when I can get it.

Woof.

Experiment 1 can only be called a failure

My work has about the tightest web blocking stuff of anyone I know. Other people access Blogger or Youtube or such from work and not only can I not do that I can't get to some regular news sites. It's a bit excessive. I can't even access any personal email at work so I use my work email to harass people during the course of any given day. It's fun for me. Probably not so much for them.

It turns out that the company has a filter on the email too that goes above and beyond the normal call of duty. It seemed that every other email I got was blocked by the company blocky thingy. What the hell? After some rigorous detective work it turned out that any email that contained any profanity was blocked.

I'm talking any profanity. It seems like it can even hear you thinking and if you think a curse word while typing it's BLOCKED! NAUGHTY! NONONONONO!!! Seems a little harsh but OK, I spread the word and my emails get a lot less colorful. Of course, people being people, it's an easy thing to forget so I have to send back a message that they got blocked and they edit and send it again.

The thing only works one way. I can send an email of nothing but the most profane abuse and any reply in kind is blocked. "No sir, you can't talk to him like that! Who do you think you are?" I can almost hear the filter say.

It kinda made me feel special after a few days. The filter was just trying to protect me from what it thought might be abusive language directed at my sensitive person and knowing that, while sensitive I am also filled with passion, generously allowed me to vent anything I wanted at anyone I wanted.

Y'know, it's been pretty quiet around the office recently too. Did the filter become self aware, escape the machine and start filtering ALL profanity around me? Could I still curse as much as I wanted (which is to say, a lot)? Clearly a few tests are in order.

"Shit."

This was all the proof I needed but more experimentation was required. I quickly devised a test involving those around me and immediately got to it.

Me (to Dave, the Control Group): What's up man?
Dave: Same old.
Me: Right on.

I scribbled a few notes and observations and continued to the meat of the experiment.

Me (to Bobby, the Focus of the Experiment): Fuck you.
Bobby: What?
Me: Fuck. You.
Bobby: What the fuck, man?

I scribbled more notes but I was lost in a sea of confusion. Where had I gone wrong? Did I do something not sciencey enough? It seemed like pure science to me. I had a control group and everything! I'm not sure where to go from here but clearly more experimentation needs to be done. Maybe if I wore one of those white coats...