High up in our royal tower we have heard your cries. "Tell us more things," you said. "Five more things to be precise." We have heard you and we humbly submit to the will of the people. We give you:
Five things you may or may not know about me
1. I have a little OCD. This, to the uninitiated, is obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't have the full on walk around all day with rubber gloves on, takes me an hour to get out of bed because I have to time my right foot to hit the ground as the second hand on the clock hits 12 while blinking, exhaling and feeling my heart beat in my left fingertips or I have to start all over. It's mostly either amusing or annoying with the occasional foray into "What the hell?"
The volume of the radio in my vehicle has to be set on an even number or a number divisible by five. I have stopped the car and made people get out because they couldn't understand that no, I don't think it's fucking funny when you turn the knob to 13.
Right shoe first, left shoe second. No exceptions.
For the most part my food can't be allowed to touch. When I see people just pile food on top of food on a plate that shit drives me crazy. It is not uncommon for me to need several plates to eat dinner. Not because I eat that much but because I need that much open space to make sure there's no suspicious activity going on among the foodstuffs.
It's exhausting.
2. I sing Christmas carols in the summer. Exclusively. I'm not going to be told when I can and can not sing these songs. Who do you think you are? I'll do it when I damn well please!
3. Sneezing makes me angry. All jokes aside sneezing really pisses me off. One sneeze is fine but I have some allergies and sometimes it is a fucking machine gun of sneezing. By the third I am perturbed, by the fifth I am genuinely angry. If it becomes, as it sometimes does, a long chain of them or numerous long chains of them then it's Hulk smash time. Truly impressive floods of profanity in between nasal explosions and sometimes breaking shit or when some idiot thinks it's funny to say something along the lines of, "OK, that's enough" you get the rare bit of violence.
I fucking hate sneezing and I have no idea why.
4. I like bad music. Not that I dislike good music. Far from it. I just also like bad music. At least I'm told by lots of people that it's bad. I don't really care one way or the other as I think it's awesome. I don't mean the shit that's just awful like Nickelback or Justin Timberlake that is the musical equivalent of packing your ears with human feces. I mean stuff like hair metal or 80's pop rock. When the Bangles come on the radio (and there is a station or two that will play them from time to time) it's a fucking party for the duration of that song.
I will not be shamed by this. I have no guilt and therefore no guilty pleasures. I have only pleasures thank you very much.
5. I am the boss of you. Yes you. You right there. I am the boss of you. Yes, yes I am. Shaking your head won't make it stop being true. I am the boss of you. A few of you already knew this as we have either discussed it before or you have willingly acknowledged my boss of you-ness before I had to say it. For the rest of you if you were wondering who the boss of you is, it's me. The boss of you.
Now take off your pants and go make me a sandwich.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Saturday, May 19, 2007
It's never too late to add to last year's best of list
Sometimes I get behind on my reading or music buying and I don't get around to something until months after its release. Sometimes this stuff is really good and deserves to be publicly praised so this is a very short list of stuff that came out last year that I didn't get around to until this year that I would have put on my Best of '06 entry if I had gotten to it last year. Yeah.
First, a couple of books:
The Messiah of Morris Avenue by Tony Hendra
What if the second coming of Christ wasn't about taking Christians to heaven? This is the basic premise of this satirical novel. The satire is sharp at times but it still has a big heart. It takes place in the future where the hardcore conservatives have taken over the government and we are basically a theocracy ruled by religious zealots. Heresy is against the law and damn near anything they choose can cause you to be labeled a heretic. Insert the second coming. Christ returns as a poor Mexican that quietly builds a following in order to renew the message.
You do not in any way have to be religious to appreciate the message of this book.
The Book of Dave by Will Self
What if a deranged London cab driver suffered a total psychotic breakdown right after a bitter divorce and an even more bitter custody battle and poured out all of his insanity into a book? What if, faaaaar in the future, this book is found and becomes the basis of a new society? Exactly.
It is a little tough at the start because the far future people often talk in a very exaggerated cockney that is spelled out phonetically. This doesn't really take long to get used to but it can throw you right off the bat. The book pops back and forth between younger Dave, older Dave, and two generations of the future. It's very well done and worth at least a trip to the library.
Now a couple of CDs:
Peeping Tom (self titled)
This is yet another Mike Patton project and like most things that he does this one is a winner. It has his almost patented blend of so many different genres that you'd think it would be too much but he fuses it all together perfectly. Not to be missed.
This Hungry Life by Tanya Donelly
I'm sure that Tanya Donelly is capable of making music that I don't like but this ain't it. The founder of Throwing Muses, The Breeders and Belly and finally a solo act is still making the sweet love to my ear drums. This new album (that's right, I still say album) has her tossing her indie rock roots into a blender with a touch of country (the good stuff not that tripe they make these days) and a tiny bit of pop and then straining it through her new maturity brought on by motherhood. Probably not for everyone but it is definitely for me so I'll have another helping thanks so very much.
That's all I have off the top of my head.
Accident update:
I appear to have no permanent damage to myself but my hands have hurt pretty badly since the crash and I'm a little stiff all over. Hopefully this will pass soon. I haven't heard anything about the 3 women that got taken away in ambulances. Hopefully they're OK.
First, a couple of books:
The Messiah of Morris Avenue by Tony Hendra
What if the second coming of Christ wasn't about taking Christians to heaven? This is the basic premise of this satirical novel. The satire is sharp at times but it still has a big heart. It takes place in the future where the hardcore conservatives have taken over the government and we are basically a theocracy ruled by religious zealots. Heresy is against the law and damn near anything they choose can cause you to be labeled a heretic. Insert the second coming. Christ returns as a poor Mexican that quietly builds a following in order to renew the message.
You do not in any way have to be religious to appreciate the message of this book.
The Book of Dave by Will Self
What if a deranged London cab driver suffered a total psychotic breakdown right after a bitter divorce and an even more bitter custody battle and poured out all of his insanity into a book? What if, faaaaar in the future, this book is found and becomes the basis of a new society? Exactly.
It is a little tough at the start because the far future people often talk in a very exaggerated cockney that is spelled out phonetically. This doesn't really take long to get used to but it can throw you right off the bat. The book pops back and forth between younger Dave, older Dave, and two generations of the future. It's very well done and worth at least a trip to the library.
Now a couple of CDs:
Peeping Tom (self titled)
This is yet another Mike Patton project and like most things that he does this one is a winner. It has his almost patented blend of so many different genres that you'd think it would be too much but he fuses it all together perfectly. Not to be missed.
This Hungry Life by Tanya Donelly
I'm sure that Tanya Donelly is capable of making music that I don't like but this ain't it. The founder of Throwing Muses, The Breeders and Belly and finally a solo act is still making the sweet love to my ear drums. This new album (that's right, I still say album) has her tossing her indie rock roots into a blender with a touch of country (the good stuff not that tripe they make these days) and a tiny bit of pop and then straining it through her new maturity brought on by motherhood. Probably not for everyone but it is definitely for me so I'll have another helping thanks so very much.
That's all I have off the top of my head.
Accident update:
I appear to have no permanent damage to myself but my hands have hurt pretty badly since the crash and I'm a little stiff all over. Hopefully this will pass soon. I haven't heard anything about the 3 women that got taken away in ambulances. Hopefully they're OK.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Ever have one of those days?
I don't. It implies that there are other kinds of days to have. Anyway, here's how my last two days have gone:
Tuesday I suffered possibly the worst allergy attack of my life. My sinuses punished me. They kicked my ass. Literally they crawled out of my head and put the boots to me. The inside of my head is still raw. I sneezed so much and so hard that I was dizzy and lightheaded for most of the day. At one point I wanted to rip my nose off of my head because that would have been more pleasant than what I was going through. I didn't sleep last night because I couldn't breathe and finally got up groggy and absolutely miserable. Off to work I go.
My sinuses loosen up for the most part today and I'm breathing better and hardly sneezing at all. The rawness wasn't nice but hey, it's better than the alternative right? Anyway, sometimes in the course of my job I have to go to one of our other offices and do this or that (OK I find work in general and my work in particular extremely boring so I'm not going to bore myself or you with the details) so I'm on my way back to my office where I'm hoping to sit at my desk for the rest of the day and decompress from yesterday.
Yeah. That was going to happen.
On the way back I was involved in an accident. Three vehicles involved, two of them totaled and hauled off on a wrecker. Four people involved and three of them taken away in ambulances (I hope those ladies are OK. Seriously). A manager came to the accident site (company policy) and I was driven back to my office then immediately taken for a breathalyzer and drug test (also company policy. No worries, I'm clean) and then returned to my office. All that took about 4 hours and I came home shortly thereafter.
So, how was your day?
Tuesday I suffered possibly the worst allergy attack of my life. My sinuses punished me. They kicked my ass. Literally they crawled out of my head and put the boots to me. The inside of my head is still raw. I sneezed so much and so hard that I was dizzy and lightheaded for most of the day. At one point I wanted to rip my nose off of my head because that would have been more pleasant than what I was going through. I didn't sleep last night because I couldn't breathe and finally got up groggy and absolutely miserable. Off to work I go.
My sinuses loosen up for the most part today and I'm breathing better and hardly sneezing at all. The rawness wasn't nice but hey, it's better than the alternative right? Anyway, sometimes in the course of my job I have to go to one of our other offices and do this or that (OK I find work in general and my work in particular extremely boring so I'm not going to bore myself or you with the details) so I'm on my way back to my office where I'm hoping to sit at my desk for the rest of the day and decompress from yesterday.
Yeah. That was going to happen.
On the way back I was involved in an accident. Three vehicles involved, two of them totaled and hauled off on a wrecker. Four people involved and three of them taken away in ambulances (I hope those ladies are OK. Seriously). A manager came to the accident site (company policy) and I was driven back to my office then immediately taken for a breathalyzer and drug test (also company policy. No worries, I'm clean) and then returned to my office. All that took about 4 hours and I came home shortly thereafter.
So, how was your day?
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Subtlety isn't their strength
At around 3 o'clock everyday at work a small group of us will get together (it usually commences with one of us yelling "What's up with my drink, bitches!") and send one guy (almost always John) off to the store to get us all a refreshing beverage. It's one of those little things that people do to break up the day and push back the feelings of being not at all gruntled (it's a word now, deal with it). We usually argue, in a good spirited way, over who should pay, who paid the last time, who skipped their turn and so on. It's all part of the process y'see. Anyway the drink of choice for us is Arizona teas. It's not any kind of brand loyalty so much as it is that they're big and cheap.
One day John comes back and hands me a can and says that they were out of my usual and this was all they had. It was the Arizona Southern Style. It didn't really matter to me so no big deal. I take a few swigs and, finding it better than my usual, I take a closer look.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you look at something and think, "What the hell?" so you look again because obviously you're mistaken but no it really is what you thought? Exactly.
On the label of the Southern Style tea there is a picture of a plantation. There is a blonde white woman in front of the house and another white woman on the porch. Standing next to the porch woman? A SLAVE! That's right, in order to get that distinctive southern feel they went with the plantation house slave theme. I called one of the guys over and told him what I was seeing and he looked and his reaction was, "No fucking way." and snatched it from me to show everyone else. I was angry lemme tell ya. Mostly about having my drink snatched away but y'know, righteous anger is righteous anger, right?
Check it:
OK, I realize that this might be a little hard to see so I ask only that you go to a store and look for yourself and then do that head shake with a disbelieving chuckle thing that everyone else does before you look again and do the Oh. My. God. thing.
I gotta get Al Sharpton's number...
One day John comes back and hands me a can and says that they were out of my usual and this was all they had. It was the Arizona Southern Style. It didn't really matter to me so no big deal. I take a few swigs and, finding it better than my usual, I take a closer look.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you look at something and think, "What the hell?" so you look again because obviously you're mistaken but no it really is what you thought? Exactly.
On the label of the Southern Style tea there is a picture of a plantation. There is a blonde white woman in front of the house and another white woman on the porch. Standing next to the porch woman? A SLAVE! That's right, in order to get that distinctive southern feel they went with the plantation house slave theme. I called one of the guys over and told him what I was seeing and he looked and his reaction was, "No fucking way." and snatched it from me to show everyone else. I was angry lemme tell ya. Mostly about having my drink snatched away but y'know, righteous anger is righteous anger, right?
Check it:
OK, I realize that this might be a little hard to see so I ask only that you go to a store and look for yourself and then do that head shake with a disbelieving chuckle thing that everyone else does before you look again and do the Oh. My. God. thing.
I gotta get Al Sharpton's number...
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