High up in our royal tower we have heard your cries. "Tell us more things," you said. "Five more things to be precise." We have heard you and we humbly submit to the will of the people. We give you:
Five things you may or may not know about me
1. I have a little OCD. This, to the uninitiated, is obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't have the full on walk around all day with rubber gloves on, takes me an hour to get out of bed because I have to time my right foot to hit the ground as the second hand on the clock hits 12 while blinking, exhaling and feeling my heart beat in my left fingertips or I have to start all over. It's mostly either amusing or annoying with the occasional foray into "What the hell?"
The volume of the radio in my vehicle has to be set on an even number or a number divisible by five. I have stopped the car and made people get out because they couldn't understand that no, I don't think it's fucking funny when you turn the knob to 13.
Right shoe first, left shoe second. No exceptions.
For the most part my food can't be allowed to touch. When I see people just pile food on top of food on a plate that shit drives me crazy. It is not uncommon for me to need several plates to eat dinner. Not because I eat that much but because I need that much open space to make sure there's no suspicious activity going on among the foodstuffs.
It's exhausting.
2. I sing Christmas carols in the summer. Exclusively. I'm not going to be told when I can and can not sing these songs. Who do you think you are? I'll do it when I damn well please!
3. Sneezing makes me angry. All jokes aside sneezing really pisses me off. One sneeze is fine but I have some allergies and sometimes it is a fucking machine gun of sneezing. By the third I am perturbed, by the fifth I am genuinely angry. If it becomes, as it sometimes does, a long chain of them or numerous long chains of them then it's Hulk smash time. Truly impressive floods of profanity in between nasal explosions and sometimes breaking shit or when some idiot thinks it's funny to say something along the lines of, "OK, that's enough" you get the rare bit of violence.
I fucking hate sneezing and I have no idea why.
4. I like bad music. Not that I dislike good music. Far from it. I just also like bad music. At least I'm told by lots of people that it's bad. I don't really care one way or the other as I think it's awesome. I don't mean the shit that's just awful like Nickelback or Justin Timberlake that is the musical equivalent of packing your ears with human feces. I mean stuff like hair metal or 80's pop rock. When the Bangles come on the radio (and there is a station or two that will play them from time to time) it's a fucking party for the duration of that song.
I will not be shamed by this. I have no guilt and therefore no guilty pleasures. I have only pleasures thank you very much.
5. I am the boss of you. Yes you. You right there. I am the boss of you. Yes, yes I am. Shaking your head won't make it stop being true. I am the boss of you. A few of you already knew this as we have either discussed it before or you have willingly acknowledged my boss of you-ness before I had to say it. For the rest of you if you were wondering who the boss of you is, it's me. The boss of you.
Now take off your pants and go make me a sandwich.
13 comments:
are you absolutely sure you want my pants off? I'm going commando today ::grins::
and would you like mustard or mayo?
Commando rates you extra points on the yay scale and I am ALWAYS sure about the no pants rule.
Mustard and a pickle on the side.
I too sing the bad tunes. I have a thing for power ballads. I do what is easily the world's worst rendition of Home Sweet Home ever, but I sing it nontheless.
And don't get me started on Duran Duran.
Oh snap, you actually updated... does that mean it's my turn now?
Anyway:
1. Totally agree on the radio volume, totally disagree on the shoe order. So I don't know, I'm like really happy about your OCD but I also want to punch you in the face.
2. I sing Christmas carols in Summer exclusively, as well. But I think that's just a Down-Underverse thing.
3. Again with this boss of me crap? Come on, mate, you're dreaming! Spider monkey threats aside, I totally won this thread. Or did you forget? Now... put your pants back on and go make me a sammich!
Or at the very least get this pantsless commando electrogirl to do something with the mayo.
HER NAME IS RIO AND SHE DANCES ON THE SAND!!
Damo:
Right shoe first or I kill you and we both know that you conceded defeat behind the scenes and you still haven't washed my car. Make with the suds!
Mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo!
reading this, you guys, has made my fucking morning. and to those who know me beyond cyberworld, my name is Jessica (only by the darkness of night and my blog do I go by the name electrogirl) and I'm up for ideas on what I may do with the mayo...though I'm not sure I'll agree with any of them. In response to the actual post I can completley understand these OCD type tendencies. I share in some:
Is it just me or is listening to some obnoxious ass hole chew (food, gum, ANYTHING) with their mouths open almost an equivalent to hearing fingernails on a chalk board? I can't handle it, if someone is doing it on the train next to me I either move away or blast my iPod. This also goes for anyone making any kind of sucking noise or exhasperated breathing sounds when completely unnecessary. Anyone doing this around me should expect a swift kick in the genitals. Not kidding.
I have a very hard time putting a book down in the middle of a chapter. I usually have to leave off at the end of one...even if im falling asleep in bed and its two in the morning and the only reason i was reading in the first place was to fall asleep. Otherwise I have to back track and waste fucking time...its just annoying.
As far as bad music goes, I have guilty pleasures including Big and Rich and yeah...Duran Duran. Also...does the phrase Frankie Say Relax mean anything to you? yes, its very bad.
so uh, get back to me on the mayo.
You people and your OCD... psh... are you forgetting I have the market cornered?
Jessica? Jessica?
People on the Internet don't have names! And since when did agreeing with mayo-related ideas have anything to do with actually doing them!?
RELAX! DON'T DO IT!
Wait. Don't do it? Scratch that.
Oh man, the loud chewers. Try it with your mouth closed you cud chewing moo cow! The only thing worse than that is when they scrape the fork on their teeth.
I. Will. Fucking. Kill. You.
I'm a people on the internet and I have a name. I think. And as of right now agreeing with mayo related items has everything to do with actually doing them. Step carefully...
Mate, get Jess a jar of mayo and get your arse into that fucking Transformers thread.
I hate people who chew with their mouths open. Especially if it's gum. That wet smacking sound...it just makes want to choke a bitch.
And without segue; if you rape a prostitute, are you also guilty of shoplifting?
"And without segue; if you rape a prostitute, are you also guilty of shoplifting?"
First of all I'd like to say that this is one of the best questions I have ever had the pleasure of trying to find an answer to. And I'm pretty sure the answer is yes, technically...but only in Vegas where it's legal to be paid for sex. Otherwise, the two crimes (the prostitution and the shoplifting) kind of cancel each other out. Not the rape part. thats uh...thats still a crime no matter what the chicks profession is. thats my final answer.
You know, Im thinking about all this mayo, and I'm wondering if a healthier option might be like some spicey mustard? Maybe go the classy route and pick up some Gray Poupon? Yeah, I'd like that.
or maybe all the innuendo involving condiments should just cease altogehter? that'd be okay too. unless...its chocolate sauce. that's completely acceptable. Just don't make any obnoxious sucking sounds when licking it up. Well then...I uh...uh that's all I have to say about that.
J
Spicy mustard? What exactly do you think our warped minds had planned?
Fuck I could go some jelly right now.
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