So I went to get some medical attention recently and it's been pointed out to me that I may have done something, well, untoward. I maintain that I did nothing wrong. You decide!
So I haven't been to a doctor in something like 6 or 7 years (I know, I know. Shut it.) so I made an appointment and they told me that they'd like to schedule a physical type appointment. I said fine and all was well. I turn up at the office on the day and fill out the standard paper work. Some of the questions on the forms are still wonderfully confusing just like I remember. (Yes I did sneeze during the last full moon while having a beer scratching my neck. Why? Does that mean something? TELL ME!)
Anyway, I get called back and a nice nurse lady takes my blood pressure (do they have to make that cuff so tight that I can actually feel my eyes start to bulge?) makes a few jokes, is so adorable I could just eat her up and then tells me to take off my clothes. Not in the good way though. She hands me a paper gown and a paper sheet and tells me to take off my clothes and put the gown on with the opening in front. The sheet, she says, is to lay across my lap. Out she goes and I do as instructed, taking off my clothes. All of them.
The rest of the appointment is uneventful. I talk to the woman I made the trip to see, she asks questions, she makes comments, she takes notes, blah blah blah. At one point she does a joint test and has my legs up in the air. Fat lot of good the paper sheet was doing me then.
She steps out and sends in another nurse who does another test. She decides to adjust my sheet by lifting it a foot and a half upward and laying it back down in a different area. Totally uneccessary and clearly just trying to eyeball my doodads. I said nothing as I didn't care. Refer back to me not having any shame. She leaves and the first lady comes back and, well, long story short they all got a look at my junk. It's been a while since that many people have seen my balls in a single day lemme tell ya. A long while.
But I told you all that to tell you this:
That weekend when asked how it went and I tell the story everyone I tell it to looks at me funny. Invariably I hear some variation of, "You were supposed to leave your underwear on." This confused me as I was given a sheet with the clear instructions to put it over my lap. Why would I need the sheet if I'm wearing underwear? That makes no sense to me. Did three people get a free look at my business when they weren't supposed to? Should I pretend to find this anything but amusing? Luckily I was in good shape maintenance wise. Y'know, shorn.
Yeah, you're thinking about that now and you can't stop.
Awesome.
9 comments:
Smooth moves, brother. Smooth moves.
First of all, in my experiences the only time I was asked to remove ALL of my clothing for a physical was at the gynecologist. Since we're all under the assumption that you're a man, especially with that wonderful reference to your balls, this was not the kind of doc you took a trip to. Any other physcian I have seen has always told me "remove everything but your underwear" which brings me to my next conclusion, you were obviously mis informed. It's the cute little nurses fault for not telling you. I mean, they also could have seen something on your paperwork that called for a look at the goods. And yet one more reason for her mis-hap...they were having a bad day and stealing a look at a vulnerable naked man in a paper gown was really going to brighten it. Though...I doubt thats the case, its something I would have done. Judge me as you wish, I am no man-eater, but we all occasionally enjoy a good giggle at the expense of a stranger. I'm sure she just didn't clarify for you, which makes her...a dumb bitch. Either way you should feel proud, whether or not it was intentional you probably did boost their spirits. And might I add how pleased I am to hear how prepared you were for the peep-show. That wasn't at all too much information. And yeah, I'm thinking about it and can't stop. But...when it comes to anything sexual lately I can't seem to ever get it off my mind.
-J
Super smooth.
I'm pleased that I probably brightened their day and I'll be sure to smile knowingly when I go back for a follow up. Saucy wenches...
It should be noted that sometimes too much information is just the right amount of information. Like now for example.
Once upon a time, back in the caveman days, Thog Anderson (not to be confused with Thoog Anderson, though they did have a common cousin on Thoog's momma's side) was traipsing through the forests in search of food and something shiny with which to woo Thagatha, the hottie in the cave next door.
Whilst traipsing, he came across a rock. Not just any rock. A massive rock. It was huge and phallic and jutted up from the ground like it were the erect member of the earth, poised and ready to penetrate the sky's eager womb.
It was awesome, nothing short of the embodiment of masculinity hewn from the very ground upon which mortals tread. Thag was awestruck... and slightly emasculated, but the former moreso than the latter. So awestruck was he, that in fact he had to run back to his cave, as well as the caves of everyone he knew.
Within the hour, all the cave people flocked to the rock, to bask in it's majesty and....
Uh...shit. I forgot where I was going with this. Anyway, congrats on the shaved pill-bag.
I know, like I'm really one to talk about the TMI thing. I do let people in on some private parts of my life here on blogger that I'm sure they could do without. Like you know, my whole celebration in honor of the stanley cup.
ha...hahaha shaved pill bag...hahaha I'll gigggle to myself about that wording for the rest of the day. hah...
Actually the Stanley Cup celebration falls under the Not Quite Enough Information umbrella.
To all:
Your're still thinking about it and it's still awesome.
*MAKES TURNTABLE SOUNDS*
Now that I think about it, I've been chided for taking off my socks during a gyno visit.
They tell you to take off all of your clothes including your underwear so they can fondle your breasts while pretending to look for lumps and examine the Gateway to Delight and the Chamber of Wonder without hindrance.
But apparently, according to some strange and ridiculous unspoken law of Those Of Us With Gynes, you're supposed to leave your socks on while in the stirrups. As if having your socks on keeps it professional and medical, while leaving them off INSTANTLY dirties it up.
Either way, I take off my socks at the gynecologist and I don't care if it's wrong or not. It looks silly enough to be propped up on that uncomfortable bench, legs akimbo in the stirrups with your gyne juice gettin' swabbed up and your ovaries checked. Add two little socks resting in the stirrups and you just look ridiculous.
WOMEN OF THE WORLD!!! OWN YOUR NUDITY AT THE GYNECOLOGIST!!! TAKE OFF YOUR SOCKS!!!
That should not have been erotic...
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