Guess who's still a geek

If you said me, you're right. I know that some of you enjoy reading and some of you enjoy it in any form so I thought I'd drop an update on some very good comics that I have either just discovered for myself or have started getting monthly. As usual if you are one of those idiots that looks down your nose at comics and the people that read them then stop reading and kindly fuck off. We don't want any of your ignorant snobbery dripping on our comics.

Y: The Last Man

This is a title that has been around for a while now and I picked up the first collection, loved the hell out of it and decided that they would all be mine. Oh yes, they will. This is an award winning and ridiculously acclaimed story that starts with the deaths of every male mammal on earth except Yorick Brown and his monkey. Vertigo puts this out monthly and is supposed to run for 60 issues. Like many Vertigo titles there are no capes and super powers here but there is a fantastic story that is packed with layers and layers of yum. Highly recommended.

Buffy Season 8

Buffy the Vampire Slayer went off the air several years ago and a part of me died that day. The show was always one of the most intelligently written on TV and I missed it immensely. JossWhedon then announced that he would do season 8 of the show as a comic book series. After the spontaneous orgasm passed I started getting it. It is everything that the show was and more. There are no budget constraints so the only limit is Whedon's imagination (which followers of Buffy, Angel, Firefly, etc will tell you is abundant). His writing is still sharp and it was great dropping in on the characters again. So far 5 issues have come out and originally it was supposed to go for 20 or so but the ideas just kept coming and now has ballooned to 50+ in short order.

Keep them coming Joss. As long as you do it I'll keep buying it.

The Boys

This is the new series from Garth Ennis (Preacher) with art by Darick Robertson (Transmetropolitan). Let that sink in for a minute. You want it now don't you? I knew you would. Anyway the series is about a CIA backed squad in a world where heroes are plentiful (more so than in a "normal" comic universe) and they sometimes need to be watched, kept in line or even killed. Not the villains mind you, the heroes. Ennis has said that this book will "Out-Preacher Preacher" and if that doesn't do it for you, you're dead inside.

It was first published by Wildstorm (owned by DC) but was dropped after 6 issues due to what they thought of as antisuperhero writing. I think they missed the point. It's more a deconstruction of the superhero myth (kind of like Miracleman but not as, y'know, Alan Moore) than anything else. They agreed to let them take the book elsewhere and publication has resumed this month with #7. A collection of the first six issues is out now. Go get it.

Fell

This is the new title by Warren Ellis (HellBlazer, Transmetropolitan, The Authority, Planetary, c'mon, it's Warren fucking Ellis) about detective Richard Fell. He is one of "three and a half" cops working in Snowtown which is like the worst crime city in the world multiplied by 10. It is strange, it is weird, it is surreal and you absolutely should be reading it. It is so much more than I can explain to you here. The first collection with the first 8 issues is out now and the series is monthly.

And now a few mainstream things that I'm into even though I'm not going to get back into the mainstream ever. Follow me, it'll make sense in a minute.

Matt Wagner (Grendel, Mage) has done two limited series in the early stages of Batman's career. He takes a very pulpy kind of attitude but with a very real Matt Wagner angle to it. If you understand that then you'll love these. None of the bad guys you know and love (Batman has always had the very best rogue's gallery) have appeared yet but I think if he does another one that they will start popping in.

Both minis are collected and they are Batman and the Monster Men and Batman and the Mad Monk. Both up to the high standard that anyone would expect from this giant of the field.

DC has also started two series based on their biggest icons but they are series that aren't really inside the normal universe of either of them. For both they have brought together one well known and respected writer and one well known and respected artist and let them loose to do their thing. The results are All Star Batman by Frank Miller (!!!!) and Jim Lee and All Star Superman by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely.

The Batman series is very much a Frank Miller Batman series and is set, it seems to me, very much in his Dark Knight universe and not in standard DC continuity. He's gotten some flak for his portrayal of this or that thing or character but what the hell did you expect when you saw a Batman book with Miller's name on it? Nitwits.

The Superman series won an Eisner award and is so good it'll make your toes curl. New life into the Man of Steel? Believe it.

There you have it, for now. Get you to a comic shop and get some or all of these grabtacular things. Go on, I'll wait.

So I'm a little late to the party

First a little background. I read. A lot. By that I mean that I read far far more than a regular person does. It borders on obsession I'm told. I've read and I own more books than anyone I know (and I know some very literate people), I have multiple library cards and so on and so on and so on. I told you that to tell you this:

I've never read those Harry Potter books.

So I've decided to do that now. I have to know what made what is probably the most illiterate generation in a "civilized" country in a long long time turn off the TV, put down the gamepad, sign out of AIM and pull out the earbuds in order to actually read something. Anything that can do that seemingly miraculous thing is something that I should read because the result is something that I am very much for. Pro-that. Yay that. It's a thing that made an entire generation that looked at books with confusion at best and outright disdain at worst actually read something. I'm still amazed by it.

Normally I don't fall into the hype pit. You couldn't make me read The Da Vinci Code at gunpoint. G'head, shoot me motherfucker I ain't doin' it. I don't watch reality TV. I mostly avoid bestsellers as a rule. When the hype machine gets going I tend to get wary. I see this a little differently and I'll tell you why.

First, it got very good reviews even before it exploded. Sure a lot of the later reviews and probably many of the awards were a result of the insane sales figures but it did get praise before then. This is key.

Second, I've seen several writers who I like give it a thumbs up and that is one of the major ways that I find new writers. If someone whose work I enjoy likes your work then maybe I should be checking it out. It usually doesn't let me down though obviously it isn't ironclad. I did find my favorite writer this way so it's a going to be company policy for the foreseeable future.

Third, it made a lot of "real" writers very weepy and bitchtastic. I clearly remember when the bestseller list was clogged with the name Rowling in the top 4 spots. Number 1 was her 4th, number 2 was her 3rd and so on. This made the "real" writers so angry that they banded together and got them kicked off of the list completely. The top four spots were vacated and everyone moved up four places. Rowling's 5th and 6th book didn't appear on the list either even though they were the top sellers for long and long and her forthcoming book will not appear on it either.

This is such dizzying bullshit that it makes me nauseous.

The thing it most reminds me of is when Neil Gaiman won the World Fantasy Award for best short story. He won it for one issue of a comic book series that he wrote. The "real" writers nearly had strokes when they were beaten by a lowly and unworthy comic book writer. They banded together and got the rules changed so that a comic book would never win again.

Y'know guys, if you were better writers you might win more awards and sell more books. Maybe if you spent as much time and energy and displayed the same amount of passion in your work as you do trying to piss on the work of others you would actually be as good as you clearly think you are. Fuck you all. Each and every one of you.

Lastly, refer back to the part where it got millions of slack jawed, mouth breathing, barely literate imbeciles to pick up a book, finish it and then clamor for more.

So yeah, I'm going to be doing that.

Excuse me while I engage in a small bit of idol worship

Normally I don't bother to mention much day to day stuff unless it's funny or I need to rant and normally I wouldn't make a post for a concert because they're just, y'know, things that people do, but this is a special occasion. For me anyway.

Tool played my city last Friday and holy shit were they amazing.

Again, under normal circumstances I wouldn't mention it but for my money Tool is the best band going now. Not the best ever of course but they are my favorite band that is still making new music. I think every member is gifted and most of them are far beyond anything else going today. If they played here every week then every week I'd make one of these gushing like a fanboy. I just can't help it and I don't really want to.

Anyway, some band from Tokyo called Melt Banana opened the show and they were loud and they were fast. I don't know if I'll be buying anything of theirs but I enjoyed their set.

Tool came on and melted my face and I love it and begged for more more MORE. The set list was:

Jambi
Stinkfist
Forty Six & 2
Schism
Rosetta Stoned
Flood
Wings for Marie Pt. 1
10000 Days (Wings Pt. 2)
Lateralus
Vicarious

How many bands can get away with playing only ten songs at a concert and still leave the crowd satisfied? And believe me I was satisfied. Half the set is new stuff but I love the new album so I was well pleased. The only times that the crowd was spoken to was to give us a Hello Baltimore right after the first song and then we were asked to give a moment of silence and when we got really quiet he said "For Paris Hilton. This next song is for her." at which point Stinkfist started and then right before Vicarious we were thanked very profusely for not using flash photography and screwing up their concentration. Anything for you guys. Seriously, anything. You want my pants? I'll give them to you. I mean it.

After Flood a whole kind of ambient noise thing started and the band was on and off the stage sitting on the riser that Danny Carey's drums and Maynard's mic were on and so forth. The roadies brought the opening band's drum kit back out and after about ten minutes of the weird (but pleasant) noise thing Danny got back into his kit and the opening band's drummer came out to his kit and they tore into a two drum kit solo that was AWESOME. Very dueling drums kind of thing going back and forth getting more and more complicated and faster until the end where they were playing together (but not the same) and ended with a crash like Zeus throwing thunderbolts into your brain. Absolutely stunning.

I'm almost finished gushing, I swear.

You may not know but the 2 Wings songs are about Maynard's mother and her death. I don't know how he gets through them without weeping. I can't imagine what it's like to hear the crowd singing along with you during songs this personal and all but screaming her name where he drops it in the lyrics. I'd probably have a nervous breakdown before the tour was over.

I know it was a great show because people kept asking me why I was smiling and mentioning how weird it was to see me doing it so much for no apparent reason. Here's hoping they don't wait another 5 years to release a new disc and go back on tour.

OK, I'm finished with my Tool worship and we return you to our regularly scheduled programming now.

She didn't say "Take off most of your clothes."

So I went to get some medical attention recently and it's been pointed out to me that I may have done something, well, untoward. I maintain that I did nothing wrong. You decide!

So I haven't been to a doctor in something like 6 or 7 years (I know, I know. Shut it.) so I made an appointment and they told me that they'd like to schedule a physical type appointment. I said fine and all was well. I turn up at the office on the day and fill out the standard paper work. Some of the questions on the forms are still wonderfully confusing just like I remember. (Yes I did sneeze during the last full moon while having a beer scratching my neck. Why? Does that mean something? TELL ME!)

Anyway, I get called back and a nice nurse lady takes my blood pressure (do they have to make that cuff so tight that I can actually feel my eyes start to bulge?) makes a few jokes, is so adorable I could just eat her up and then tells me to take off my clothes. Not in the good way though. She hands me a paper gown and a paper sheet and tells me to take off my clothes and put the gown on with the opening in front. The sheet, she says, is to lay across my lap. Out she goes and I do as instructed, taking off my clothes. All of them.

The rest of the appointment is uneventful. I talk to the woman I made the trip to see, she asks questions, she makes comments, she takes notes, blah blah blah. At one point she does a joint test and has my legs up in the air. Fat lot of good the paper sheet was doing me then.

She steps out and sends in another nurse who does another test. She decides to adjust my sheet by lifting it a foot and a half upward and laying it back down in a different area. Totally uneccessary and clearly just trying to eyeball my doodads. I said nothing as I didn't care. Refer back to me not having any shame. She leaves and the first lady comes back and, well, long story short they all got a look at my junk. It's been a while since that many people have seen my balls in a single day lemme tell ya. A long while.

But I told you all that to tell you this:

That weekend when asked how it went and I tell the story everyone I tell it to looks at me funny. Invariably I hear some variation of, "You were supposed to leave your underwear on." This confused me as I was given a sheet with the clear instructions to put it over my lap. Why would I need the sheet if I'm wearing underwear? That makes no sense to me. Did three people get a free look at my business when they weren't supposed to? Should I pretend to find this anything but amusing? Luckily I was in good shape maintenance wise. Y'know, shorn.

Yeah, you're thinking about that now and you can't stop.

Awesome.