I haven't really been in the mood to share anything since I became a shiftless layabout but I figure it's time to get back on the horse and start typing away. Let's start with something easy. People who are annoying me.
Thankfully christmas is over (see previous posts for my thoughts about all that, I'm not getting into it again here) but I was just reminded that New Year's Eve is still forthcoming and with it the inevitable stupid people and drunk drivers killing lots of other people. That made me think of something else that's been annoying the piss out of me for the last month or so.
Best of the decade lists.
I'm going to explain it again so please listen this time. The decade is NOT over until the end of next year. I went through all this with people when the whole 2000 thing came around. 2000 was not the beginning of the new millennium, 2001 was. Therefore 2000 was also not the beginning of the new century or the new decade. It's simple math, people. You start counting at 1, not zero so the decade began in 2001 and will end in 2010. Save your mostly shitty best of the decade lists until the decade is actually winding down will ya?
Irritating bastards...
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I will shoot you SO HARD!
So Taco came to visit last weekend. I was hoping he'd do an entry about it so I wouldn't have to, y'know, write but it looks like it's not gonna happen. I'll do a boring one now and force him to do a better one. I call this plan good.
Of course the first thing I did was get him in the house and hustle him up to the library. I figured that would be my best chance to get hooks in him so he'd never leave. Showed off some autographs and numbered limited editions and so on and so forth. He seemed interested but then he could have been just acting. I can never tell. He did touch the battle armor of the Divine Ray and received his holy blessing though, so there's that. Jack wasn't impressed at all. I don't know what he reads but my stuff wasn't doing it for him.
Off we went then to the comic book store. In my infinite absentmindedness (senility?) I forgot we had a dog in the car until we were 3 minutes from the place. So that part of the visit was a bomb. Can't take the dog in, can't leave him in the car. I am a dumbass. Hopefully the next bit will go better.
We fly down the road to the crab place where I pick up the order and hustle back to the house. One of the many benefits of getting crabs is that they make your car smell like them for quite a while afterwards. We get back and set it all up and I prepare to piledrive Taco's tastebuds.
Did you know they boil crabs where he's from? Fucking. Disgusting.
Anyway we undertook the holy ritual of eating crabs and all was good and blissful. Some things never fail and this is one of them. I showed him the proper way to do it and off we went to taste-heaven. Surely this would make him stay forever? I know it would work on me.
After this there was lots of talking and laughing, it's been quite a while since we've actually seen each other y'know and that stuff piles up I think. I hit him with a copy of Dark City (it's a good movie, damn you!) and chased him with a copy of Hot Fuzz (WATCH IT!). If only I had a Bluray of Goonies I could have beaten him quite mercilessly with it. We watched Epitaph One off the Dollhouse season 1 discs and decided that a lot of things made more sense because of it but that people who hadn't seen it might be confused in short order.
More talking and laughing, not unlike a couple of giggling girls.
I managed not to duct tape him to the wall in his sleep, which I feel was very big of me, figuring he'd stay of his own volition. The invisible thing that opens the downstairs bathroom door at night even took a break while he was here though of course he's started up again now that we're alone in the house once more. The next day there was more talking and laughing and I finally got sweet revenge on Mario Kart. Turns out I'm much better at it when I'm sober.
*flex*
Then he left! Is there no power on earth to make them stay? It appears not. Then I was a sad panda. But then my beloved Ravens won and Rosalita took the leftover crabs and made this thing which I forget the name of but there was sauce and noodle and yummy so then I was back to just pining like usual.
Anyway, I imagine I was a very poor host. I'm not very good at things like that. I hope it won't prevent further visits though because in all I think it was quite fun though my description is lacking. I fear I haven't the mental energy for my usual energetic rambling. I guess someone else will have to do it.
NOT IT!
Of course the first thing I did was get him in the house and hustle him up to the library. I figured that would be my best chance to get hooks in him so he'd never leave. Showed off some autographs and numbered limited editions and so on and so forth. He seemed interested but then he could have been just acting. I can never tell. He did touch the battle armor of the Divine Ray and received his holy blessing though, so there's that. Jack wasn't impressed at all. I don't know what he reads but my stuff wasn't doing it for him.
Off we went then to the comic book store. In my infinite absentmindedness (senility?) I forgot we had a dog in the car until we were 3 minutes from the place. So that part of the visit was a bomb. Can't take the dog in, can't leave him in the car. I am a dumbass. Hopefully the next bit will go better.
We fly down the road to the crab place where I pick up the order and hustle back to the house. One of the many benefits of getting crabs is that they make your car smell like them for quite a while afterwards. We get back and set it all up and I prepare to piledrive Taco's tastebuds.
Did you know they boil crabs where he's from? Fucking. Disgusting.
Anyway we undertook the holy ritual of eating crabs and all was good and blissful. Some things never fail and this is one of them. I showed him the proper way to do it and off we went to taste-heaven. Surely this would make him stay forever? I know it would work on me.
After this there was lots of talking and laughing, it's been quite a while since we've actually seen each other y'know and that stuff piles up I think. I hit him with a copy of Dark City (it's a good movie, damn you!) and chased him with a copy of Hot Fuzz (WATCH IT!). If only I had a Bluray of Goonies I could have beaten him quite mercilessly with it. We watched Epitaph One off the Dollhouse season 1 discs and decided that a lot of things made more sense because of it but that people who hadn't seen it might be confused in short order.
More talking and laughing, not unlike a couple of giggling girls.
I managed not to duct tape him to the wall in his sleep, which I feel was very big of me, figuring he'd stay of his own volition. The invisible thing that opens the downstairs bathroom door at night even took a break while he was here though of course he's started up again now that we're alone in the house once more. The next day there was more talking and laughing and I finally got sweet revenge on Mario Kart. Turns out I'm much better at it when I'm sober.
*flex*
Then he left! Is there no power on earth to make them stay? It appears not. Then I was a sad panda. But then my beloved Ravens won and Rosalita took the leftover crabs and made this thing which I forget the name of but there was sauce and noodle and yummy so then I was back to just pining like usual.
Anyway, I imagine I was a very poor host. I'm not very good at things like that. I hope it won't prevent further visits though because in all I think it was quite fun though my description is lacking. I fear I haven't the mental energy for my usual energetic rambling. I guess someone else will have to do it.
NOT IT!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
You I'll not follow
So I'm driving home today and I finally heard it. The new Alice in Chains song.
Wow. Just...wow.
I understand the desire the surviving members must have to make more music and even the desire to work together again but this shit is just wrong. The new singer, no idea who it is and I'm not going to waste time trying to find out, is trying his hardest to sound like Layne Staley. You might remember that Layne Staley was the original singer and, in my not at all humble opinion the most talented member of the group prior to his untimely and much lamented death. His voice was like a soul being tormented in the worst part of hell expelling lyrics that made you feel exactly what that felt like (I speak primarily about those songs whose lyrics Staley wrote himself or wrote the lion's share of. Just listen to an AiC CD and you'll figure out which is which.)
Now you have some random guy doing a second rate Staley impersonation. It's fucking sick. I have lost all respect for the other members of that band. How anyone could ever think this was a good idea is beyond me. Form a new band with a new singer and then find the sound of that band. Don't spit on Staley's memory by hiring some no talent wannabe and then trying really hard, and failing, to sound like Alice in Chains. Henceforth I will only refer to this abomination as Jerry Cantrell's Band.
Cantrell, you're a piece of shit. Truly.
Then against my better judgement I tried to actually listen to the song. Imagine if your ears had balls and then got got kicked in the balls in your ears. It's like that. A wildly overproduced, poorly written piece of offal. That guy can try, and Cantrell and company can work the boards to help him try to sound like Layne but you'll never fool a real fan. Layne would never sing a song with lyrics that are Nickelback level insipid and include the word California in them, what, 9000 times. Did you bring in Anthony Kiedis to give a rewrite to your Nickelback songs?
The three surviving members of AiC who are currently in Jerry Cantrell's Band clearly have no respect for Layne, no respect for AiC fans and no respect for themselves. I've never wanted an album to bomb so badly in my life.
The entire thing makes me feel sick. If you'll excuse me I have to go listen to Dirt about a million fucking times to wash the foulness out of my ears and hopefully off my brain.
Wow. Just...wow.
I understand the desire the surviving members must have to make more music and even the desire to work together again but this shit is just wrong. The new singer, no idea who it is and I'm not going to waste time trying to find out, is trying his hardest to sound like Layne Staley. You might remember that Layne Staley was the original singer and, in my not at all humble opinion the most talented member of the group prior to his untimely and much lamented death. His voice was like a soul being tormented in the worst part of hell expelling lyrics that made you feel exactly what that felt like (I speak primarily about those songs whose lyrics Staley wrote himself or wrote the lion's share of. Just listen to an AiC CD and you'll figure out which is which.)
Now you have some random guy doing a second rate Staley impersonation. It's fucking sick. I have lost all respect for the other members of that band. How anyone could ever think this was a good idea is beyond me. Form a new band with a new singer and then find the sound of that band. Don't spit on Staley's memory by hiring some no talent wannabe and then trying really hard, and failing, to sound like Alice in Chains. Henceforth I will only refer to this abomination as Jerry Cantrell's Band.
Cantrell, you're a piece of shit. Truly.
Then against my better judgement I tried to actually listen to the song. Imagine if your ears had balls and then got got kicked in the balls in your ears. It's like that. A wildly overproduced, poorly written piece of offal. That guy can try, and Cantrell and company can work the boards to help him try to sound like Layne but you'll never fool a real fan. Layne would never sing a song with lyrics that are Nickelback level insipid and include the word California in them, what, 9000 times. Did you bring in Anthony Kiedis to give a rewrite to your Nickelback songs?
The three surviving members of AiC who are currently in Jerry Cantrell's Band clearly have no respect for Layne, no respect for AiC fans and no respect for themselves. I've never wanted an album to bomb so badly in my life.
The entire thing makes me feel sick. If you'll excuse me I have to go listen to Dirt about a million fucking times to wash the foulness out of my ears and hopefully off my brain.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
And a fridge just for my beer
So yeah, an update. Obviously the move is long done by now and I now have quite a lot more space to spread out in. A LOT more. It's nice. What does it say about me that my books have a bigger bedroom than I do? Something good I bet. In my defense I keep some of my shit in their room. I even have a grill and cook out sometimes. I still don't talk to the neighbors though. Some shit is just carved in stone.
College football has begun. OSU 1-0. Go Bucks. Fuck Michigan.
Pro football starts this Sunday. Praise the divine Ray and may he deliver us to the promised land. Fuck the Steelers and all who follow them.
I'm still not sleeping much and in fact it's been getting much worse in recent weeks. It's normal now for me to wake up 5 or 6 times a night for no reason. Just wake up, check the clock, sigh and wait for a while to drift back off for a few minutes. It's pretty bad. Can you have one of those drug induced comas as an elective procedure? A week of that would be great.
Hey guess what? Taco is coming to visit this month and is staying the night! I'm pretty excited. There's going to be shared awesomeness, crabs, books, movies, some Wii action, probably no small amount of leg humping and possibly one of us being tied up in the basement to prevent him from leaving. I'm just saying.
College football has begun. OSU 1-0. Go Bucks. Fuck Michigan.
Pro football starts this Sunday. Praise the divine Ray and may he deliver us to the promised land. Fuck the Steelers and all who follow them.
I'm still not sleeping much and in fact it's been getting much worse in recent weeks. It's normal now for me to wake up 5 or 6 times a night for no reason. Just wake up, check the clock, sigh and wait for a while to drift back off for a few minutes. It's pretty bad. Can you have one of those drug induced comas as an elective procedure? A week of that would be great.
Hey guess what? Taco is coming to visit this month and is staying the night! I'm pretty excited. There's going to be shared awesomeness, crabs, books, movies, some Wii action, probably no small amount of leg humping and possibly one of us being tied up in the basement to prevent him from leaving. I'm just saying.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Her name has the word BIG in it too.
Anyone else find enjoyment in the fact that there have been, what, 15 or 20 movies about the war in Iraq but it took a woman to finally make one with balls? Anyone?
Yeah me too.
Note: It also has a brain. Weird, huh?
Yeah me too.
Note: It also has a brain. Weird, huh?
Friday, August 7, 2009
Can she spell Polidori?
Eventually I knew I would have to write something about Stephenie Meyer. I don't want to. I have to. You see, this level of aggressive, willfully ignorant bullshit draws me to it. I want so much to ignore it but I can't. I want to be able to shake my head sadly and walk away.
Not gonna happen, folks.
For those of you who are lucky and don't know Stephenie Meyer she is the, for want of a better word, writer of the Twilight series. For those who are exceptionally lucky and don't know what that is, it's a series of YA vampire books. If vampires were toothless puppies and dipped in glitter.
"But Uncle E," I hear you saying, "Why do you choose to focus on this person when there are so many bad writers out there to choose from?" I'm glad you asked. Let me explain:
The vampire legend itself is ancient with roots tracing back several millennia. As far as things that go bump in the night go, they're old school. They come in many varieties ranging from mindless things barely more than Romero zombies to your more modern nobility in formal wear. In some cultures they drink blood, in some they leech the very life force out of you. There are many, many different kinds of vampire is what I'm saying and that's just the legend. The ones that people used to live in real fear of day to day from culture to culture, century after century literally all over the world.
Then you get into vamps in literature and later films and still later TV. Most of it, and by that I mean the overwhelming majority, isn't good. Most of it is bad and a lot of it is downright awful. But when it's good, man is it good.
Le Fanu's Carmilla, King's Salem's Lot, Matheson's I Am Legend, Wilson's Midnight Mass and so on plus, of course, Bram Stoker's Dracula. I mean, everyone's read that one right? Right?
I told you all that to tell you this: By reading those last three short and off the top of my head paragraphs you just did more research than Stephenie Meyers did before beginning work on the Twilight series. I am not making this up as a jokey way of saying her books are bad. The books are bad because she's a terrible fucking writer. I say that because out of her own mouth she does not read horror books. Does not read vampire books (so no, she's never read Dracula). Does not watch horror movies. Hell, does not watch R rated movies AT ALL. In interviews she said she saw a little piece of Interview With A Vampire on TV and her thoughts on it were summed up with, "Yuck" and then she thinks, thinks she saw a bit of The Lost Boys (which I love) and her opinion of it was, "but I was like, creepy!"
I'm not making this shit up.
As a lover of literature and a person with deep respect for the process this kind of bullshit offends me. It makes me feel ill. The insipid tripe she pushes on people has vampires that wander around in the day and they sparkle. Get that? They sparkle. And there's a strong message of celibacy in her books. Are you fucking kidding me? Vampires, particularly modern vampires ARE sex! Everything they do is centered around sex either figuratively or literally. You have to be some kind of fucking moron to not see it. Or maybe a mormon like Meyers is. Probably both actually with at least a little fairly serious head trauma thrown in for good measure. It's like writing about werewolves that willingly wear leashes and are housebroken and beg for bacon flavored doggie treats. Actually it's more like trying to make a porn movie when you've never had sex or even seen human genitals before.
Fucking ignorant bitch.
The level of disrespect this dumps on the long history of vampire fiction is something I can't recall ever seeing before. I can't think of another example as bad as this horrid, puerile gunch. Hey I heard of these things called vampires! They're like, these things! And they have, like, teeth! I think! And uh...they do stuff! I'm gonna write a book about them except make them nice and sparkly!
Nex time you get the urge to write Stephenie, do us all a favor and take your head out of your ass, run as fast as you can to the nearest convenient set of train tracks and stand on them. Then shoot yourself in the fucking head a split second before the train splatters your worthless ass all over creation you brainless, contemptible, utterly fucking ignorant imbecile.
I'm thinking most of you probably won;t really understand my intense hatred for this woman and that's a shame. Actually it's probably better for you if you don't.
I had more venom to spit but I'm just too tired for it.
Not gonna happen, folks.
For those of you who are lucky and don't know Stephenie Meyer she is the, for want of a better word, writer of the Twilight series. For those who are exceptionally lucky and don't know what that is, it's a series of YA vampire books. If vampires were toothless puppies and dipped in glitter.
"But Uncle E," I hear you saying, "Why do you choose to focus on this person when there are so many bad writers out there to choose from?" I'm glad you asked. Let me explain:
The vampire legend itself is ancient with roots tracing back several millennia. As far as things that go bump in the night go, they're old school. They come in many varieties ranging from mindless things barely more than Romero zombies to your more modern nobility in formal wear. In some cultures they drink blood, in some they leech the very life force out of you. There are many, many different kinds of vampire is what I'm saying and that's just the legend. The ones that people used to live in real fear of day to day from culture to culture, century after century literally all over the world.
Then you get into vamps in literature and later films and still later TV. Most of it, and by that I mean the overwhelming majority, isn't good. Most of it is bad and a lot of it is downright awful. But when it's good, man is it good.
Le Fanu's Carmilla, King's Salem's Lot, Matheson's I Am Legend, Wilson's Midnight Mass and so on plus, of course, Bram Stoker's Dracula. I mean, everyone's read that one right? Right?
I told you all that to tell you this: By reading those last three short and off the top of my head paragraphs you just did more research than Stephenie Meyers did before beginning work on the Twilight series. I am not making this up as a jokey way of saying her books are bad. The books are bad because she's a terrible fucking writer. I say that because out of her own mouth she does not read horror books. Does not read vampire books (so no, she's never read Dracula). Does not watch horror movies. Hell, does not watch R rated movies AT ALL. In interviews she said she saw a little piece of Interview With A Vampire on TV and her thoughts on it were summed up with, "Yuck" and then she thinks, thinks she saw a bit of The Lost Boys (which I love) and her opinion of it was, "but I was like, creepy!"
I'm not making this shit up.
As a lover of literature and a person with deep respect for the process this kind of bullshit offends me. It makes me feel ill. The insipid tripe she pushes on people has vampires that wander around in the day and they sparkle. Get that? They sparkle. And there's a strong message of celibacy in her books. Are you fucking kidding me? Vampires, particularly modern vampires ARE sex! Everything they do is centered around sex either figuratively or literally. You have to be some kind of fucking moron to not see it. Or maybe a mormon like Meyers is. Probably both actually with at least a little fairly serious head trauma thrown in for good measure. It's like writing about werewolves that willingly wear leashes and are housebroken and beg for bacon flavored doggie treats. Actually it's more like trying to make a porn movie when you've never had sex or even seen human genitals before.
Fucking ignorant bitch.
The level of disrespect this dumps on the long history of vampire fiction is something I can't recall ever seeing before. I can't think of another example as bad as this horrid, puerile gunch. Hey I heard of these things called vampires! They're like, these things! And they have, like, teeth! I think! And uh...they do stuff! I'm gonna write a book about them except make them nice and sparkly!
Nex time you get the urge to write Stephenie, do us all a favor and take your head out of your ass, run as fast as you can to the nearest convenient set of train tracks and stand on them. Then shoot yourself in the fucking head a split second before the train splatters your worthless ass all over creation you brainless, contemptible, utterly fucking ignorant imbecile.
I'm thinking most of you probably won;t really understand my intense hatred for this woman and that's a shame. Actually it's probably better for you if you don't.
I had more venom to spit but I'm just too tired for it.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Not a gimp...yet.
So I figure I must be a complete masochist because I'm moving again. You tell yourself things will go smoothly. This is, of course, not true. Everything that can go wrong goes wrong and while your back is turned they bring more wrong shit with them that you didn't even know could go wrong.
Fun.
So the next time I mention a move coming up in the near future I really need one of you to step up and shoot me in the head with a bazooka. It'll be for my own good so I forgive you in advance.
Fun.
So the next time I mention a move coming up in the near future I really need one of you to step up and shoot me in the head with a bazooka. It'll be for my own good so I forgive you in advance.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
How Dare the Robins Sing
I found out Sunday that my favorite Uncle had died. He was the only uncle I claimed and the only one I thought anything good about. He alone of all my father's family took any interest in us after my father died. He alone cared about our well being. He alone commanded and received my respect.
Born and raised in a city he somehow had country life in his heart and moved out to the middle of no where after his first marriage ended. He'd still find time to come visit and have us up whenever time and money allowed. He never forgot us and I will never forget him for that.
This was the only man I ever allowed to call me "boy" after I considered myself a man. The image I will always carry of him is the day he came to visit and drew down, old west style, on a group of west Baltimore ghetto rats. They were friends of mine and we were all hanging around outside my house when he drove up for a visit. One of the young lions (not me, I had MUCH better sense) said or did or looked a way the old lion didn't approve of and quick as you please he had a magnum in his hand and under the nose of the offender. After a hasty apology he gave the guy a few dollars and sent him to, "Get me some coddies from the store up yonder. Be quick and mind my change, boy."
Old school.
I could go on and on but I don't imagine him as one to want anyone going on and on about it.
Anderson Collins
Born and raised in a city he somehow had country life in his heart and moved out to the middle of no where after his first marriage ended. He'd still find time to come visit and have us up whenever time and money allowed. He never forgot us and I will never forget him for that.
This was the only man I ever allowed to call me "boy" after I considered myself a man. The image I will always carry of him is the day he came to visit and drew down, old west style, on a group of west Baltimore ghetto rats. They were friends of mine and we were all hanging around outside my house when he drove up for a visit. One of the young lions (not me, I had MUCH better sense) said or did or looked a way the old lion didn't approve of and quick as you please he had a magnum in his hand and under the nose of the offender. After a hasty apology he gave the guy a few dollars and sent him to, "Get me some coddies from the store up yonder. Be quick and mind my change, boy."
Old school.
I could go on and on but I don't imagine him as one to want anyone going on and on about it.
Anderson Collins
.
Uncle and Friend
.
Rest In Peace
.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
But it's not the weekend...
An update! Wow, it's been a while. I blame Hoggins. Boy's got issues.
Anyway, things are more or less the same except I'll be moving to a new place next month. Three stories, brand new kitchen, yard and deck (hey for a kid from the ghetto that's a big deal) and a wood burning stove which I don't care about but Rosalita is all fired up for so there's that. I'm told I'll have to start cooking out now and inviting people over which I am against for the most part but I'm also told they'll bring beer so that's pretty cool.
What should I buy myself for a housewarming gift?
My allergies were awful to me today so I have to cut it short but sadly that little but sums it up pretty much.
Anyway, things are more or less the same except I'll be moving to a new place next month. Three stories, brand new kitchen, yard and deck (hey for a kid from the ghetto that's a big deal) and a wood burning stove which I don't care about but Rosalita is all fired up for so there's that. I'm told I'll have to start cooking out now and inviting people over which I am against for the most part but I'm also told they'll bring beer so that's pretty cool.
What should I buy myself for a housewarming gift?
My allergies were awful to me today so I have to cut it short but sadly that little but sums it up pretty much.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Do they make a six hour chip?
On top of my growing love affair with Yuengling I recently found a vodka that tastes like coffee. Not tastes like coffee with vodka in it, it tastes like coffee. Period. I give it two months before I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers starting sentences with, "Hi, my name is..." and telling them how long it's been since my last sweet snort of hooch, which I will lie about of course.
I'm not complaining, it'll totally be worth it.
I'm not complaining, it'll totally be worth it.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I'll have you Walking Spanish
So as is my way I recalled a thing that happened to me sometime after the fact (my memory will come and go as it pleases, wandering away for wild adventures before finally finding its way home to settle down) and when it popped back in my head I blurted it out to the first person I saw, which was Taco.
"Hey", I said, "Did I tell you I got hammered and stole a pirate hat from a liquor store?"
And so it began.
Demands for a complete retelling, pictures of the glorious thing itself, getting other people to demand pictures until I just couldn't take it anymore. So I sent those out to those as asked after them but then I got to thinking that such a fine tale of daring should be shared and passed down to future generations.
So we're out sailing the seas (at a bar) and decide it's lame and to take all the cool people (us) over to Mike's to just hang out. We drop the women off and we hearty menfolk drive to the liquor store to raid it for it's boozey goodness as I'd not had my fill yet.
We arrive (flourish of trumpets) and storm into the joint, as is our way, looking for our chosen plunder. On our way down an aisle I see a Captain Morgan display and on it, a hat. Not just any hat my friends, an awe inspiring cheap plastic pirate hat. It was love at first sight.
"Mike!", I yelled (because, Mike). "Dude!" (because, sometimes, dude). "Look at this hat!"
I put it on and instantly I could sense it had been waiting for me. It was MINE.
Mike turned and, seeing me in all my piratey glory, bellowed, "That is the GREATEST fucking thing I've ever seen!" Truly he is wise.
We raid and plunder the store for our desired libations and boldly stride up to the register, me with my new hat in its rightful place.
"This hat is awesome," I said.
"Look at how awesome that fucking hat is!" Mike added.
They looked upon me and were appropriately moved by my mighty visage.
"Look how great I look in it."
"Look at how fucking gorgeous he is in that thing!" It should be noted that Mike, like so many straight men before him, is confused by the feelings I give him in his swimsuit area.
"I'm taking it with me, obviously."
"There's no WAY he's leaving without it!"
Now you might be saying to yourself, But...stealing is wrong! and you'd be correct. Mostly. There are situations that warrant a little misdemeanor larceny. Some even that demand it. This was one of those times. If police had been present they surely would have applauded me and told everyone to calm down and, if it came to it, stand in front of a judge and declare my actions naught but joy filled shenanigans. Though of course I'm not sure how shenanigans are covered under the law. Does the 3 strikes rule come into play? Are previous shenanigans held against you or in your favor? It's a mystery.
Anyway, we paid for our booze (a noble act on our part, I feel) and headed for the door.
One of the still stunned employees blurted out, "So...you're taking the hat?"
"Yeah. Later."
So I told you all of that to tell you this. I got this cool plastic pirate hat now. It's awesome.
"Hey", I said, "Did I tell you I got hammered and stole a pirate hat from a liquor store?"
And so it began.
Demands for a complete retelling, pictures of the glorious thing itself, getting other people to demand pictures until I just couldn't take it anymore. So I sent those out to those as asked after them but then I got to thinking that such a fine tale of daring should be shared and passed down to future generations.
So we're out sailing the seas (at a bar) and decide it's lame and to take all the cool people (us) over to Mike's to just hang out. We drop the women off and we hearty menfolk drive to the liquor store to raid it for it's boozey goodness as I'd not had my fill yet.
We arrive (flourish of trumpets) and storm into the joint, as is our way, looking for our chosen plunder. On our way down an aisle I see a Captain Morgan display and on it, a hat. Not just any hat my friends, an awe inspiring cheap plastic pirate hat. It was love at first sight.
"Mike!", I yelled (because, Mike). "Dude!" (because, sometimes, dude). "Look at this hat!"
I put it on and instantly I could sense it had been waiting for me. It was MINE.
Mike turned and, seeing me in all my piratey glory, bellowed, "That is the GREATEST fucking thing I've ever seen!" Truly he is wise.
We raid and plunder the store for our desired libations and boldly stride up to the register, me with my new hat in its rightful place.
"This hat is awesome," I said.
"Look at how awesome that fucking hat is!" Mike added.
They looked upon me and were appropriately moved by my mighty visage.
"Look how great I look in it."
"Look at how fucking gorgeous he is in that thing!" It should be noted that Mike, like so many straight men before him, is confused by the feelings I give him in his swimsuit area.
"I'm taking it with me, obviously."
"There's no WAY he's leaving without it!"
Now you might be saying to yourself, But...stealing is wrong! and you'd be correct. Mostly. There are situations that warrant a little misdemeanor larceny. Some even that demand it. This was one of those times. If police had been present they surely would have applauded me and told everyone to calm down and, if it came to it, stand in front of a judge and declare my actions naught but joy filled shenanigans. Though of course I'm not sure how shenanigans are covered under the law. Does the 3 strikes rule come into play? Are previous shenanigans held against you or in your favor? It's a mystery.
Anyway, we paid for our booze (a noble act on our part, I feel) and headed for the door.
One of the still stunned employees blurted out, "So...you're taking the hat?"
"Yeah. Later."
So I told you all of that to tell you this. I got this cool plastic pirate hat now. It's awesome.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Is that Henry Rollins in pink sweatpants?
If you can pine for someone or something can you also elm for them/it? Douglas fir? When does it get dirty? Baby I oaked for you all day. What'd you do last night? Redwooded for your fine ass. I'm curious as to how it works.
My petition to the FDA to have fire reclassified as a vitamin on the grounds that nutrition should be awesome is still being ignored. On an unrelated note, this weird black van has started following me everywhere.
I'm still afraid of Skynet. Moreso now than ever before.
I like to come up with answers in advance to questions you get asked a lot. For the inevitable interview question, "What is your biggest weakness?" I've settled on "Kryptonite, tough gal reporters and kneeling before Zod."
The Fuck should be a unit of measure.
I want to buy a motorized scooter they make for the elderly and try to sign up for marathons in it.
Should I be concerned about the number of conversations I start with, "So when the zombies come..."?
I've recently started calling people gormless. I think it needs to make a comeback. Bonus, no one will know what you're talking about. I've gotten my nephew doing it...to his teachers.
"Biggest strength?" "Collapsing probability waveforms."
I am unbeatable at Scene it. Got that? UNBEATABLE!
I want to heckle someone during sex. "Boo! You're terrible at this! I've seen sexier shit in midget porn!" Something along those lines. Just have to remember to cover anything easily hurt and run before they can find anything sharp.
Great way to get out of a stupid conversation: After the other person prattles on for a few sentences stop them and say "Wait, I thought we were talking about my penis. What are you on about?" They'll leave you alone after that.
"Unique quality you can bring to our company?" "Gibbering madness. IA! IA! Cthulhu fhtagn!"
I'm still not on myspace or facebook or twitter. I win. Yay me.
My petition to the FDA to have fire reclassified as a vitamin on the grounds that nutrition should be awesome is still being ignored. On an unrelated note, this weird black van has started following me everywhere.
I'm still afraid of Skynet. Moreso now than ever before.
I like to come up with answers in advance to questions you get asked a lot. For the inevitable interview question, "What is your biggest weakness?" I've settled on "Kryptonite, tough gal reporters and kneeling before Zod."
The Fuck should be a unit of measure.
I want to buy a motorized scooter they make for the elderly and try to sign up for marathons in it.
Should I be concerned about the number of conversations I start with, "So when the zombies come..."?
I've recently started calling people gormless. I think it needs to make a comeback. Bonus, no one will know what you're talking about. I've gotten my nephew doing it...to his teachers.
"Biggest strength?" "Collapsing probability waveforms."
I am unbeatable at Scene it. Got that? UNBEATABLE!
I want to heckle someone during sex. "Boo! You're terrible at this! I've seen sexier shit in midget porn!" Something along those lines. Just have to remember to cover anything easily hurt and run before they can find anything sharp.
Great way to get out of a stupid conversation: After the other person prattles on for a few sentences stop them and say "Wait, I thought we were talking about my penis. What are you on about?" They'll leave you alone after that.
"Unique quality you can bring to our company?" "Gibbering madness. IA! IA! Cthulhu fhtagn!"
I'm still not on myspace or facebook or twitter. I win. Yay me.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
So you've seen it then
As I was coming in from work on Friday I got the mail, as I always do, and took it in. Once inside I noticed one of the things was a Victoria's Secret catalog. Not being one to just casually toss away a whole magazine filled with pictures of women in nothing but underwear and come hither looks I flipped through it. When I turned it over to look at the back I saw that it was addressed to:
Gigantic Wang
Or Current Resident
So whoever is responsible for this, well, thanks. It's pretty fuckin' funny.
Gigantic Wang
Or Current Resident
So whoever is responsible for this, well, thanks. It's pretty fuckin' funny.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Actually
Scratch all that. It occurred to me today that while I have been getting pounded down by life since, well, birth, I keep getting up. I thought for a long long time that I was just too stupid to just stay down. That's not it. I keep getting up because you can't beat me bad enough to keep me down. You can take everything from me but when you take everything away from someone all you do is set them free. Kill me? Ha! G'head, kill the lifelong depressive. Pfft.
You pound away and pound away and we can never hit back but still you can't beat me. I'm always going to keep getting back up. You. Can't. Beat. Me. You can however kiss my high yellow ass.
You pound away and pound away and we can never hit back but still you can't beat me. I'm always going to keep getting back up. You. Can't. Beat. Me. You can however kiss my high yellow ass.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sick and tired of being sick and tired
Ah life, you miserable fucking whore. Full of ups and downs but it turns out the ups are only there to make the downs worse than they might normally be. Then you get the obligatory "everything will be ok" or "things will get better" from all and sundry which is no help at all because neither of those things are even remotely fucking true and only serve to make you feel like an even shittier and more furious. Keep that shit to yourselves, I don't want to hear it.
Of course this will often lead into someone telling you to let this or that god take care of it. Really? These same gods you people seem to think having been taking care of me up to this point? These same gods that have overseen the most heinous shit being visited on me and mine the entirety of our lives already? Fuck off. If that shit is your idea of something being taken care of then do me a favor and tell your chosen god to fuck off and leave me alone.
Then of course come the brain damaged fuck smudges that love to tell people that it could be worse. Other people somewhere have it worse. Someone in the world is having a worse time of it than you. Really? Is that idiotic bullshit supposed to make someone feel better? Are you fucking retarded? It's ok that you got mugged because someone else got mugged and gangraped. It's ok that you got mugged and gangraped because someone else got mugged, gangraped and then set on fire. It's ok that you got mugged, gangraped and set on fire because someone else got mugged, gangraped, set on fire and then put out by being pissed on by a phalanx of lepers.
This is your helpful input? How about you do something actually helpful and go choke to death on a bag full of diseased cock. That'd be great. Thanks.
Anyway, life. Fuck. You.
Of course this will often lead into someone telling you to let this or that god take care of it. Really? These same gods you people seem to think having been taking care of me up to this point? These same gods that have overseen the most heinous shit being visited on me and mine the entirety of our lives already? Fuck off. If that shit is your idea of something being taken care of then do me a favor and tell your chosen god to fuck off and leave me alone.
Then of course come the brain damaged fuck smudges that love to tell people that it could be worse. Other people somewhere have it worse. Someone in the world is having a worse time of it than you. Really? Is that idiotic bullshit supposed to make someone feel better? Are you fucking retarded? It's ok that you got mugged because someone else got mugged and gangraped. It's ok that you got mugged and gangraped because someone else got mugged, gangraped and then set on fire. It's ok that you got mugged, gangraped and set on fire because someone else got mugged, gangraped, set on fire and then put out by being pissed on by a phalanx of lepers.
This is your helpful input? How about you do something actually helpful and go choke to death on a bag full of diseased cock. That'd be great. Thanks.
Anyway, life. Fuck. You.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Movies '08
So last year, by my count, I saw 128 movies counting only those movies I saw from start to finish in their entirety. That's actually less than normal but not too bad as far as totals go, I guess. Anyway, here are some of the best.
Let's start with the obvious and say The Dark Knight. Believe the hype. It really was as good as people say and Heath Ledger was flat out brilliant in it. There was nothing bad about it. Writing, directing, acting, editing, music, it's the total package. They even replaced the bad actress from the first one with an actual actress and filled out the only soft spot from the first one. Whether you like comics or not, whether you like Batman or not, you will like this movie.
Next up is Tropic Thunder. Not only is it hysterical, it skewers every single level of the Hollywood machine from directors, actors, agents, producers, FX guys, writers, you name it. Think about it like this, this movie is so funny it made people laugh at a white man in blackface.
Doubt is a powerful story with wonderful acting though I include the disclaimer that I am a huge Philip Seymour Hoffman fan.
Gran Torino is Eastwood displaying his prodigious acting talent. He got some flack for playing a politically incorrect character but I applaud his realistic effort and love it top to bottom.
In Bruges is a movie everyone should see but very few have. Hopefully all the awards it was nominated for will cause more people to seek it out. I love black comedy and this one is black as pitch with sharp writing and acting. Go rent it. Now.
George Romero got back on track after the deeply disappointing Land of the Dead with Diary of the Dead. Yes it's a zombie movie but unlike the crappy ones, it's not about zombies. This entry is about the modern person's inability to disconnect from the constant stream of INPUT. Internet, cell phones, 24 hour cable news, the neverending slam of information that people just can turn away from. Hot damn it's good. Welcome back George.
It wasn't a great year for horror but there was the aforementioned Diary of the Dead, Cloverfield, The Orphanage, Let the Right One In and REC (remade in the U.S. as the vastly inferior Quarantine). On the B-horror front there was Otis and Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! which hit the B bone just the way you like it.
It was a decnt year for the R rated comedy, which I appreciate. I'm a grown person and I like grown person comedies. Pay attention Hollywood. Tropic Thunder and In Bruges were joined by Pineapple Express, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Zach and Miri Make a Porno. Five isn't a huge number but how often do five good R comedies drop in one year?
It also wasn't a great year for indies as far as I'm concerned. Previous years have been much better but this year did have Son of Rambow, Smart People, Be Kind Rewind and my favorite Teeth. Teeth makes female empowerment so empowered it's downright frightening. See it. Soon.
Other notables include Burn After Reading (another solid entry in the Coen brothers army of fine films), Iron Man (which was Downey Jr's big comeback even though he's been in some damn fine movies in the last three or four years), Hellboy II (visually stunning if nothing else), Run Fatboy Run and The Bank Job which I didn't think I would like but I did.
I haven't seen Frost/Nixon, The Wrestler, Revolutionary Road or The Curious Case of Benjamin Button yet (soon though) but I hear very good things about them so they probably deserve a spot on your To View list.
And while Heath Ledger got all the press we should all remember that we lost Paul Newman last year. One of the last remaining titans has fallen. They don't make them like him anymore and he will be sorely missed. We also lost Chuck Heston, Roy Scheider, Isaac Hayes, Sydney Pollack, Cyd Charisse and Eartha Kitt along with many others I forget off the top of my head. Rest in peace, all.
Let's start with the obvious and say The Dark Knight. Believe the hype. It really was as good as people say and Heath Ledger was flat out brilliant in it. There was nothing bad about it. Writing, directing, acting, editing, music, it's the total package. They even replaced the bad actress from the first one with an actual actress and filled out the only soft spot from the first one. Whether you like comics or not, whether you like Batman or not, you will like this movie.
Next up is Tropic Thunder. Not only is it hysterical, it skewers every single level of the Hollywood machine from directors, actors, agents, producers, FX guys, writers, you name it. Think about it like this, this movie is so funny it made people laugh at a white man in blackface.
Doubt is a powerful story with wonderful acting though I include the disclaimer that I am a huge Philip Seymour Hoffman fan.
Gran Torino is Eastwood displaying his prodigious acting talent. He got some flack for playing a politically incorrect character but I applaud his realistic effort and love it top to bottom.
In Bruges is a movie everyone should see but very few have. Hopefully all the awards it was nominated for will cause more people to seek it out. I love black comedy and this one is black as pitch with sharp writing and acting. Go rent it. Now.
George Romero got back on track after the deeply disappointing Land of the Dead with Diary of the Dead. Yes it's a zombie movie but unlike the crappy ones, it's not about zombies. This entry is about the modern person's inability to disconnect from the constant stream of INPUT. Internet, cell phones, 24 hour cable news, the neverending slam of information that people just can turn away from. Hot damn it's good. Welcome back George.
It wasn't a great year for horror but there was the aforementioned Diary of the Dead, Cloverfield, The Orphanage, Let the Right One In and REC (remade in the U.S. as the vastly inferior Quarantine). On the B-horror front there was Otis and Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! which hit the B bone just the way you like it.
It was a decnt year for the R rated comedy, which I appreciate. I'm a grown person and I like grown person comedies. Pay attention Hollywood. Tropic Thunder and In Bruges were joined by Pineapple Express, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Zach and Miri Make a Porno. Five isn't a huge number but how often do five good R comedies drop in one year?
It also wasn't a great year for indies as far as I'm concerned. Previous years have been much better but this year did have Son of Rambow, Smart People, Be Kind Rewind and my favorite Teeth. Teeth makes female empowerment so empowered it's downright frightening. See it. Soon.
Other notables include Burn After Reading (another solid entry in the Coen brothers army of fine films), Iron Man (which was Downey Jr's big comeback even though he's been in some damn fine movies in the last three or four years), Hellboy II (visually stunning if nothing else), Run Fatboy Run and The Bank Job which I didn't think I would like but I did.
I haven't seen Frost/Nixon, The Wrestler, Revolutionary Road or The Curious Case of Benjamin Button yet (soon though) but I hear very good things about them so they probably deserve a spot on your To View list.
And while Heath Ledger got all the press we should all remember that we lost Paul Newman last year. One of the last remaining titans has fallen. They don't make them like him anymore and he will be sorely missed. We also lost Chuck Heston, Roy Scheider, Isaac Hayes, Sydney Pollack, Cyd Charisse and Eartha Kitt along with many others I forget off the top of my head. Rest in peace, all.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Reading '08
I wasn't going to do it but Taco will yell at me if I don't so I decided to do much shorter versions than last year and call it even. I'm combining books and comics this time because reading is reading and if you're one of those people that stick your nose up at comics then I don't want your sorry ass reading this anyway. So without further ado, here are my thoughts on all things reading in 2008.
The best reading last year was probably Philip Roth's Indignation. I read one review that called it an interesting failure which is funny because Roth is probably the greatest living American writer and that critic is, well, not. If this is him failing then more people should fail at writing. If you've never read Roth then obviously you have homework now.
Hot on the heels of that was Ed Brubaker's Criminal. If anything, the series gets better the more he puts out. If you like words like pulp, noir, hard case and femme fatale or just like tremendous writing then you'll love this.
Also pick up Supreme Courtship by Christopher Buckley. I love Buckley to pieces and if you've ever wondered what would happen if a U.S. president nominated a television show judge for a spot on the Supreme Court because he's pissed off at the senate, and really who hasn't, then wonder no more.
The best nonfiction was easily The Ten Cent Plague: The Great Comic Book Scare and How It Changed America by David Hajdu. You don't even have to like comics to like this book, that's how good it is.
The best YA book was Neil Gaiman's Graveyard Book just edging out Terry Pratchett's Nation. Both are superb but Gaiman channeled his inner Kipling and produced a book that was flat out amazing.
It seemed to me to be a particularly strong year for first time novelists last year. The best was probably The Somnambulist by Jonathan Barnes. Other very good first novels that have me looking forward to more from their writers were The Witch's Trinity by Erika Mailman, The Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff and A Good and Happy Child by Justin Evans.
Other very worthy '08 releases included:
The Duma Key - Stephen King
The Ghost in Love - Jonathan Carroll
Buffy Season 8 - Joss Whedon
Grendel: Behold the Devil - Matt Wagner
Sharp Teeth - Toby Barlow
2666 - Roberto Bolano
Little Brother - Cory Doctorow
There were obviously many other things published last year that were worth reading but I'm trying to keep it short. If you want recommendations on anything in any genre, just ask.
I also decided to make a note of things that slipped under my radar from previous (though recent) years that I caught up with last year and are more than worth your time. They include:
Absurdistan - Gary Shteyngart
Special Topics in Calamity Physics - Marisha Pessl
An Arsonist's Guide to Writer's Homes in New England - Brock Clarke
The Brief History of the Dead - Kevin Brockmeier
We also mourn the passing of two giants in 2008. Arthur C. Clarke and David Foster Wallace, rest in peace.
The best reading last year was probably Philip Roth's Indignation. I read one review that called it an interesting failure which is funny because Roth is probably the greatest living American writer and that critic is, well, not. If this is him failing then more people should fail at writing. If you've never read Roth then obviously you have homework now.
Hot on the heels of that was Ed Brubaker's Criminal. If anything, the series gets better the more he puts out. If you like words like pulp, noir, hard case and femme fatale or just like tremendous writing then you'll love this.
Also pick up Supreme Courtship by Christopher Buckley. I love Buckley to pieces and if you've ever wondered what would happen if a U.S. president nominated a television show judge for a spot on the Supreme Court because he's pissed off at the senate, and really who hasn't, then wonder no more.
The best nonfiction was easily The Ten Cent Plague: The Great Comic Book Scare and How It Changed America by David Hajdu. You don't even have to like comics to like this book, that's how good it is.
The best YA book was Neil Gaiman's Graveyard Book just edging out Terry Pratchett's Nation. Both are superb but Gaiman channeled his inner Kipling and produced a book that was flat out amazing.
It seemed to me to be a particularly strong year for first time novelists last year. The best was probably The Somnambulist by Jonathan Barnes. Other very good first novels that have me looking forward to more from their writers were The Witch's Trinity by Erika Mailman, The Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff and A Good and Happy Child by Justin Evans.
Other very worthy '08 releases included:
The Duma Key - Stephen King
The Ghost in Love - Jonathan Carroll
Buffy Season 8 - Joss Whedon
Grendel: Behold the Devil - Matt Wagner
Sharp Teeth - Toby Barlow
2666 - Roberto Bolano
Little Brother - Cory Doctorow
There were obviously many other things published last year that were worth reading but I'm trying to keep it short. If you want recommendations on anything in any genre, just ask.
I also decided to make a note of things that slipped under my radar from previous (though recent) years that I caught up with last year and are more than worth your time. They include:
Absurdistan - Gary Shteyngart
Special Topics in Calamity Physics - Marisha Pessl
An Arsonist's Guide to Writer's Homes in New England - Brock Clarke
The Brief History of the Dead - Kevin Brockmeier
We also mourn the passing of two giants in 2008. Arthur C. Clarke and David Foster Wallace, rest in peace.
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