Almost went Toby on myself

So the end of the year brought with it the usual stress and irritation. This year there was a twist. Life decided that I'm just not going through enough. I apparently don't have enough things to be concerned about or to get stressed over. Life, it seems, does not take the holidays off.

A few days a go I woke up in the morning in pain. My foot was killing me. What the hell? It was fine when I went to bed. Had I been sleepwalking and bashed it on something? No time to dwell on it, I had to go to work and it wasn't too terrible a pain. It hurt all that day and night and hurt still when I woke up the next day.

Odd.

The day after that, Christmas day (spit) it got worse. Much worse. It started out about the same but during dinner it started to get worse. After dinner it continued to turn up the pain dial until it reached the point that I can really only describe as unrelenting torment. I got home and took off my sock to find my foot swollen like an overstuffed sausage.

Great.

Yesterday I called my doctor and made an appointment. This meant having to squeeze my disturbingly tumescent foot into a shoe. Even prying it open as far as I could it took me a long time to put it on. The pain dial turned itself up another tic. I get there and have to take the shoe off (wince) for her to see.

Do you eat steak?

Yes.

Seafood?

Of course.

Gout.

...shit.

Why didn't anyone tell me it hurt like this? Someone I know had to have known. Bastards. Anyway I put the shoe back on (wince, quiet moan) and hobbled, yes I was full on hobbling at this point, to go for the X-ray she wanted just in case. Shoe back off (groan), X-Ray, shoe back on (snarl, quiver) and finally home. No red meat, no seafood and no beer until it goes away.

Oh joy.

Here I am today, foot still swollen, wondering if people will still ask me next year why I hate this time of year so much. Maybe I'll smash their feet with a sledge hammer and ask them if that improves their mood or makes it worse.

Except for the Elvis CD, I can do without it

I already went into this at length last year, so I'll just say this:

Make it stop. Please.

He's got pie in his eyebrow...

I wish my brain had a mouth so it could actually vomit once in a while.

Popcorn flavored jelly beans are fucking gross. Seriously. You'd think it'd be great. Jelly beans! Yay! Popcorn! Yay! Then you chew the jelly bean and it tastes. Like. Popcorn. So nasty.

OK stop reading and go get a dictionary. I'll wait. OK, now look up the word decimate. Got it? Read it. Twice. Done? Great. Now stop fucking misusing it you nerve wracking bastards!

Fuck Michigan.

Do dropped text messages go to the same place that odd socks and lost pens go? Maybe it's more compartmentalized. Divisions of labor and whatnot. They all go to the main area together and then get divided up and stored individually. Either way, can I get all my shit back? Please?

So I was reading the paper as is my wont (because I'm not miserable enough obviously) and I come across an article about, wait for it, competitive yoga. Think about that. Competitive yoga. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm more enlightened than you! Eat it bitch! What's next, competitive Judaism? Shalom, motherfucker!

Do amputees get drunk faster than normal folk?

Nascar. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Two things that do not go well together: Toothpaste and orange juice. Make a note.

Y'know what would be awesome? If Rob Zombie wrote a biography of Pee Wee Herman.

Rock me sexy Jesus.

I've been listening to a lot of Pink Floyd and Judas Priest lately. A lot. Now I can't decide whether to dress in leather head to toe and ponder my own sanity or sodomize my inner child. Tough call.

Just like the Pilgrims!

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving which is, I'm told, not just for huge turkey dinners and football. Doesn't sound right to me but I'll go with it for now. So in the spirit of the holiday I will put aside my usual angry ranting and share some positivity with you.

So far this year I have been thankful for:

Books that set the mind on fire.

Movies that demand you watch them over and over.

Music that can never be loud enough.

Comic books good enough to be given in college English courses.

Every lunatic (re: all of you) at the Preserve. I have extra holiday Poje for you all.

Boobs so big they make every shirt look tight. Truly thou art blessed and thanks for sharing.

Stick nun porn and long distance sauce Not It.

The wonderful bead man, Artie C, that protects me while I sleep.

Shotgun Sodomy DVDs.

Pictures of nuns in skintight rubber.

Godzilla.

Football. Football. Football.

HDTV.

Football on HDTV.

Laughing so hard it hurts your ribs.

The Daily Beast.

Lolcats.

xkcd

Ricky Gervais.

The insane fun of the Wii.

Yuengling.

Joss Whedon.

The end of Dubya's reign of stupidity being in sight at last.

Hot girl on girl action.

The four day work week. YAY!

Stale peanut butter fudge.

The divine Ray Lewis.

Chicks that know as much about sports as I do. It's fucking hot.

And obviously my family and friends.

Even though I tend to hate life and most of the things in it I can still find things to be thankful for. Weird, right? I know. Anyway for those of you that fill me with the warm fuzzies, I'm thankful for you. So thanks.

I have one too and it's not all that special

I'd like to share a conversation I was involved in with you, mostly so I can share my pain. Please read to the end as it doesn't go where you think it's going to go.

Me (Seeing something about Sarah Palin): God, I can't stand her. I'm so glad they didn't get elected I can't even tell you.

Woman (who is overly religious): Me too. She shouldn't be anywhere near the White House.

Me: I know! She's such an imbecile! She comes off like a total airhead and that "I'm just a regular soccer mom" schtick is such an obvious put on it makes me physically ill.

Woman: Plus she's a woman.

Me: ...what?

Woman: Women shouldn't hold public office especially vice president or president. She should be home taking care of her family.

Me: What!? (Followed by an angry tirade against this completely ignorant and utterly offensive line of thinking.)

Here I have someone, a woman no less, telling me that no woman should be an elected official because she has no right to not be at home being a servant to her family. Actually no, servants get paid. It was her religion telling her this. Her stupid fucking religion. She's married to a worthless piece of shit by the way who she thinks is better than her based solely on the fact that he has, allegedly, a dick.

The pure ignorance of this line of thinking makes my head hurt. It robs me of coherent argument and leaves me red faced and shouting. Of course I already knew that religion poisons minds but when it leaps out at you when you aren't expecting it in ways that raise the bar for offensive stupidity it's like discovering it for the first time all over again.

I don't give a fuck what your magic book says, it's wrong. Not wrong like you like a band I don't and I call you wrong. Wrong like you saying the sky is brown or water is dry or Pi is 7.1972645. Wrong. Not opinion. Fact. You are wrong. For the love of all things how can people still think this way in the 21st century?

Eventually I remembered my rule and ended the back and forth. It's a good rule so I'll share it with you again. Arguing with religious people is like taking a head first run at a brick wall. When it's over your head will hurt and the wall won't have noticed you were even there.

Thank you, religion, for fucking up yet another otherwise intelligent person with your poisonous ignorance.

An open letter

Dear America,

To say we don't always get along would be understating it. I mostly find that we don't see eye to eye on, well, damn near everything. As a rule I have little to no respect for the majority of you and I make no bones about it and never try to hide it. I find you small, closed minded, willfully ignorant and painfully self involved.
But sometimes you surprise me. Sometimes you reach way down deep and pull something out that makes me think there's hope for you yet. And never let it be said that I'm too high and mighty to say so when it happens. It happened tonight. At 11:00 PM Eastern time I heard it announced that you had called out for the same change that I so desperately wanted. The same change that I could barely hope I would see.
Sometimes you do right by me and I'm not above saying thank you. So America, with complete sincerity and from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You bought yourself some respect from me and that's not easy to come by. Try not to waste it.

Yours,

-S

Funny like puppies with AIDS

Maybe it's me. Maybe I've been explaining it wrong. Maybe in the middle of explaining it I have, unknowingly, started speaking Swahili. Or maybe everyone else is a fucking moron.

Yeah, probably that last one.

OK, once more from the top for everyone who can't seem to understand simple concepts like fire is hot or stabbing yourself in the face with a jagged pointy stone will hurt you. I'll try to speak slowly and not use too many big words.

It's not funny to purposely get on other people's nerves. Not funny. Not. Fucking. Funny. If you do something that you KNOW is going to piss someone off, you're not funny. You're a fucking nimrod who isn't smart enough to have a real sense of humor. You know how I know it's not funny? I used my psychic powers to read the minds of every single person on the entire planet and it was a unanimous vote. Not one of the people on this planet finds it amusing in even the smallest way when someone tries to irritate them. You know why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING IRRITATING THEM YOU MOUTH BREATHING, BRAIN DAMAGED SHIT STAIN!

How the fuck do you not understand this? If you do something that you know I hate or know pushes my buttons why in the name of all things great and small would I find that funny? How fucking ignorant do you have to be to think that I would? What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you retarded? Would you think it was funny if I was doing something you hate to you? No, you wouldn't. Because you fucking hate it! And making the drooling twit standing next to your dumb ass laugh doesn't count. He's clearly as fucking idiotic as you are and if you started pissing him off, he'd stop laughing. Because it's not funny! And when your goal is to piss me off and I get pissed off how the fuck did you not see that coming? Why do you always act surprised? You were trying to piss me off! It worked! Now you want to be upset when I start yelling at you? Do the world a favor and go choke on something.

For fuck's sake, I'm not trying to explain String Theory to you after you've taken a sharp blow to the head. I'm saying things that anyone who doesn't expect a hug and a medal every time they run four steps should fucking know.

Fire hot. Face stab hurts. Pissing people off isn't the same as being funny.

Look, if your arsenal of humor is a stockpile of shit that annoys other people, you aren't funny. Acknowledge it, admit it, embrace it and fucking stop trying to fucking be it. You're. Not. Funny. Get over it and shut the fuck up.

The next one that does it is getting punched in the mouth. That's going to be my version of your kind of humor. How hard do you think you'll be laughing with a broken jaw?

Arbor Day gets no respect

So while I was off on Monday (four day work weeks are awesome) I decided to go to get my driver's license stuff straight. I have to renew my tags but I can't until I get a change of address on my license which I can't do online and for free like everyone else (whole other issue) so since I don't sleep anyway and was up at the ass crack of dawn I decided to just go and do it. I grabbed a book figuring to be there for a while even if I was way early and off I went.

I get there a bit before they usually open and I see that there are hardly any cars in the lot. Five or six tops. Sweet, maybe I won't be forever and a day. I park and walk over and what do you know?

They're closed.

What. The. Fuck.

Now I'm pissed off and confused but I get home without killing anyone. Why the hell are they closed? To the interwebnets! Ah. I see. Columbus Day. The only "holiday" that challenges Valentine's Day for dumbest and most pointless. Wow, he got on a ship and sailed for a while and ended up meeting some people that they didn't know were there.

Big fucking deal.

He discovered nothing. He did nothing of note except open the door for the eventual heinous crimes against the natives. Good job. Totally worthy of a holiday. Either way I have yet another reason to hate Columbus Day.

Fucker.

Like the Coelacanth only rarer

I have found a thing so rare that I believed that it might be only a myth or if it did exist that it was a thing long since extinct. I fear you may not believe me because of the seeming outlandish nature of my claim but I swear it's true. Every word.

I can still hardly credit it but I found...good customer service.

Wait! Don't walk away! It's true! Good customer service exists! I've experienced it and been changed by it. It was almost a religious experience.

I ordered some stuff from Amazon and they send the email telling you your package has shipped. Always very exciting. I make full use of their Track Your Package option. I love that thing. It's addicting and hypnotic. Anyway, according to their site the package was delivered yet I didn't have it. I called the post office and they tell me they don't have it and have no record of it.

Not good.

I go to Amazon's site looking for a phone number hoping against hope that I could talk to an actual human being and get some help. Silly, I know. Anyway, I found an option that said to click here to have Amazon call you now. What the hell. I type in my number and click.

My phone begins to ring immediately. Immediately.

I answer and hear a voice say please hold while we connect you with a representative. Seconds later an actual live human picks up the line and asks how he can help. I of course suspect a trick right away but I explain the problem. He checks my info and looks up the package. Within a couple of minutes he apologizes to me for my inconvenience and puts in the order again to be shipped free of charge. I didn't even get to the part where I yell and say really mean things. I didn't even get to raise my voice a little bit.

The replacement box was against my door when I got home from work. The receipt showed a charge of $0. My entire belief system was shaken down to the core. I had a problem, contacted the source and had the problem instantly corrected without argument.

Good customer service. It's real. I've seen it.

I'm shakin' it, boss

I've just heard that Paul Newman has died. I hope I don't need to go on at length about why this is a tragedy of monumental proportion. Butch Cassidy has ridden into the sunset. Eddie Felson has hustled his last. Reggie Dunlop will goon no more. Luke has finally stopped shaking the world.

A true Hollywood giant, the likes of which they can't make more of, has fallen and the world is a little dimmer today as a result. Even taking away all that he gave to movie lovers, his philanthropy alone would be enough to mourn his passing. Last I heard he'd pulled together in excess of 200 million dollars worth of charitable contributions. Wrap your mind around that.

Rest in peace Mr. Newman. There will never be another like you.

I'm looking at you, London...

A long time back Google put out a cool little thing, shocking I know, that a few of us decided to use for shits and giggles. It was Google Analytics. You use it to track traffic on your site and see who is looking and how they're looking and so on and so forth. We tooled around with it for a while and then more or less forgot about it. It's a great tool but our blogs and such don't really have enough traffic to need constant tracking.

Anyway, I remembered that it was there and went to check it. Most people that visit here use Firefox and have cable, no surprises there. Most visits come from the U.S. and from 38 total countries so far, that's pretty cool. Hmmm...what's this, the keywords that people plugged in that brought them here. This should be good for a laugh or three.

OK, let's see here, we have quite a few about the Arizona Tea label. Maybe I'm not the only one that noticed it has a fucking slave on it. Searches for books and movies and music and shows and comics that I've mentioned. Nothing strange there. Let's look a little deeper.

Thagatha photos. I don't know what that means.

Monica Bellucci chocolate. Nothing wrong with that, brother.

Things in fives. That makes sense.

Fuking in stoking. I uh, I don't know what you're trying to say to me but I don't think I like it.

Everything but your underwear. Hahaha. Good times.

Take off your socks. No. No I will not.

Take off my socks. I don't even know you!

Real torture porn. What. The. Fuck.

Vulnerable naked man. Taco?

Celebrity fishing. Really, dude? Really?

Clothes socks off gyno. Is it wrong that that one turns me on a little?

Cinemax late night hot girls. But that one doesn't. It's sad that you can't commit and search for actual porn.

Everything that got to with devil. I'm sorry, what?

Fucking I stoking. First in stoking and now I stoking? Who are you!? What are you trying to tell me!!??

Evil master of suction. I give up. You found me.

Grimmstail. Look out Grimmy, someone's looking for you.

Excuses not to take off socks. ...ew.

Gyno gown socks off. What is it with you people and socks? Seriously?

Hate engine. Mine is custom. Get your own.

He's stoking me. I don't even want to know what the hell was going on there.

How many stuff things are there. Dude. SO many!

How to use a urinal without showing your junk. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Don't be ashamed of your tiny weiner! Show it with pride!

lolgoats. Fuck you! We invented that, motherfucker!

Maple syrup lubricant. First of all how did that lead here and second, eeeeeeewwwwww!

Zombi porn. Taco?

A dozen more things about socks...get a hobby people. For reals.

Obsessive compulsive scratch even number licking disorder-cat-dog. I don't have the words to describe the level at which I do NOT want to meet this person EVER.

Zebulon banner. Why didn't I think of that!? This is the best thing ever!

Stuff to do late night in Crystal Lake. Besides getting fucking killed you mean? Not much.

Taptaptap sex porn. What the fuck are you tapping on? And stay away from my precious sex porn!

Why are some scorpios so mean? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

So yeah, people are weird. They're apparently a bunch of sock obsessed, porn wanting, pet licking, tiny dicked freaks that should never be allowed to interact with other folk. By other folk I mean me. Keep them away from me. I'm going to go hide everything I own and buy some more locks for the door.

He just refuses to learn

I've said before and will say again that hell is hope. Plain and simple, hell is the hope of a better tomorrow that will never come. All the most vile torments of hell would lose most of their power if you could genuinely be rid of all hope that it would stop. But you see, this is hell so that won't happen. That's the nature of it. You see other people get a better tomorrow and it forces hope upon you. You see people that deserve nothing have everything and along with anger it thrusts hope into your chest because, gods damn it, why not you too?

It's hell you see?

Now you'd think I would know better. That I could break the cycle. Well, maybe you don't think that because while I share some things I tend to play it close so even if you know quite a lot about me and my own personal hell, you know only a fraction. That being the case then, I think that I would have learned by now. Learned to stop.

God, how I've tried. You have no idea how hard.

And yet.

But.

Damn it.

Here is hope again. Hounding me. Demanding attention. Forcing me to let it in against my will. Literally against my will. I don't want you here. I know what you are. And yet. But. Damn it. Here you are old friend. Old enemy. Most loved and most hated. Come on in one more time. Do your worst one more time.

See you tomorrow.

Misanthrope: mis-ahn-throhp - noun

OK, here's the thing. Maybe I am a little arrogant and maybe I do walk into every room like I'm the best thing in it but you know what? I come by my arrogance honestly and most of the time I AM the best fucking thing in the room. I have it on good authority that I really am as smart as I think I am or close enough that it makes no difference and no, I'm not exactly the type to dumb down for the huddled masses yearning to scrape together a coherent thought so the huddled masses get a little touchy from time to time.

I told you that to tell you this:

It's not my fault that you're a moron. It's not my fault that you aren't as smart as me. It's not my fault that I make you feel inferior. It's your fault. So please, in future, try your best to not to be filled with such mean spirited glee if you happen across some obscure bit of trivia that I am not overflowing with information about or some little nugget of knowledge that I couldn't write an A+ term paper on at a moment's notice. Asking me about things of this nature and then going on and on in a too loud voice about how you've found something that I don't know everything about only points out to anyone with half a brain that you're a fucking ignorant douche with enough insecurities about your own third rate intellect to fill a warehouse. The fact that you were asking me in the first place means that you didn't know and the first person you thought to come to was me.

If your life is so fucking pathetic that you get real joy from finding things that I'm not filled to the brim with information about then please, in all seriousness, go lay down in the street and wait for the solution which should be along directly. Or, as a personal favor to me, shut the fuck up you mouth breathing troglodytes because I'm not just the smartest person in the room, I'm also probably the biggest and the most prone to violence. Step carefully.

And while I'm on the subject of people and their annoying habits, I have a request for the ladies who are dieting. No one wants to fucking hear about your diet that you've been on for the last FOUR FUCKING YEARS that has resulted in you losing and regaining the same 7 1/2 fucking pounds! Here's an idea you fucking whale, next time you're shopping DON'T buy the box of Twinkies and the box of Ding Dongs and the box of Ho Hos and the nine bags of chips and oh why not one more box of Twinkies.

And you on the other side? No one wants you to hover around all day so you can tell us how many fucking points the things that we're eating are worth in your diet. I don't want to hear that my pineapples are worth five whole points with that idiot's smirk on your face because your bag of twigs and pebbles are only worth two. Here's a news flash for you, you're still getting bigger and I'm the only one here losing any weight. No one fucking cares. Shut. The fuck. Up.

Thank you.

So baffling I don't have words for it

My auto insurance company sent me a check. Not a bill, a check. Recent changes on my policy made my bill go down and they sent me a check to cover the overpayment. An insurance company sent a check. Unasked for. I am utterly confused by this turn of events. I cashed it this morning so it was definitely a real check. From an insurance company.

I think I need to have a lie down over this whole thing. But first, a couple of updates!

Toby is not thriving. He looks sickly. I moved him outside (and changed his name accordingly) to see if he'll flourish there. Let's hope or else there will be amputations.

I had a doctor's appointment last Friday and I've dropped more weight. This is good. Very good indeed.

And just for Taco, see what I got here? It's a new special edition of Dark City. SAY THAT YOU LOVE IT! SAY IT!

As you were.

Paging Dr. Clitterhouse

So yeah, not really random and not really massive updatey goodness but maybe the lovechild of those two.

LOVECHILD! NEVER MEANT TO BE!

*ahem*

Right then, I've been moved into the new place for a few weeks now and I likes it. You never can tell how much you truly missed the quiet until you get it back. The new TV is exerting some kind of strange power over me. Sometimes I have to resist the urge to just turn it on and stare at it. It might be evil. I wouldn't get rid of it for that, I'm just sayin' if I disappear that's where you should look for me, Poltergeist-Carol Ann style.

I got a big ass plant for the place now. It's a kind of palm tree that I named Toby. I'd tell you why I named it that but it's the kind of thing that's really only funny if you have no sense of right and wrong. I thought it was hysterical. It also made me realize that I need more plants.

I realized that I don't own any porn. At all. None. That can't be healthy. fett was supposed to supply me with nun porn but did he? Did he!? NO!

I still have nothing hanging on the walls. Still. I have things to hang, I just haven't put them up. I'm a lazy, lazy man.

Again with the uproar for the new Madden? No thanks. I've played Madden since the very beginning and I have no interest. One thing I've learned is that whoever the actual Madden is gaga over will be unbeatable in the game. So if you don't pick New England and you play them, they will smash you and I am NOT picking them. I got NCAA '09 instead.

Speaking of football, it's almost here. GET EXCITED, BITCHES!

Taco, your brother says you're a dirty filthy liar and he denies all knowledge of the incident in question.

I finally managed to track down and purchase the only book I didn't own by my favorite author. It's been out of print for long and long and every time I've seen it for sale, always online, it's either outrageously priced or held together with spit and hope. I got it used but in damn fine condition. I am extremely well pleased by this. A few of you can kind of imagine my level of yay over it.

After adding up my trade-ins and applying them I paid $2.16 for my copy of Spaced. So not only do I finally own it, I only paid 2 bucks for it brand new. Sometimes life forgets to shit on you and it is good.

After much begging and coercing my company has moved a bunch of us to 4 day work weeks. The savings on gas alone are more than worth the extra long four days. Plus having off every Monday does NOT suck. Lounging around reading or watching movies while everyone else is at work makes me happy in the pant covered area. If I wore pants. Which I don't. Cast off the fabric chains of the oppressor!

Lately I've been telling everyone I'm hung like an elevator button. No one else seems to think it's funny. Heathens, one and all.

How is it that there are only two weeks between the spring and autumn softball leagues? Can I get a rest!? No? Fine!

I went through my books while I was unpacking them after the move to do a great purge like I've been threatening to do for some time now. I took out 203 books which will get donated to this thing I support. I think my book buying might, might, be a bit out of hand when I can pick out 200+ books to give away and still have 7 full shelves. I probably have about a thousand left. I figure as long as I own a book I haven't read I can never die. At this rate I'll live for...ever actually.

I miss Toby.

I think a friend of mine is going to ask me out pretty soon. I've been celibate, by choice, for the last five years. I'm not sure how I feel about this whole situation. Clearly I'll have to find a way for Mario Kart to decide what I should do.

Seriously, elevator button. It's shameful.

There was other stuff I wanted to talk about but I've forgotten all of it. Ah memory, you dodgy old bird.

Five by five

Really just touching base as I'm still a little too tired for anything involved or requiring, y'know, thinking.

I finished unpacking all my stuff and getting my books organized on their shelves again. That by itself is a whole process that has a life of its own. I set aside 203 books to find new homes for and decided to just give them to a charity for children which will sell them and use the money for food and clothes and stuff. I know what it's like to be a poor kid and it's not pleasant.

I'm this close to talking Taco into visiting soon. Once I get him in a real city he'll never want to leave. One at a time, I'll get you all. I am not patient by nature but I can wait. I can wait...

The bikes on Mario Kart are still kicking my ass.

I finally got back to my normal sleeping pattern of not enough instead of none at all. Is there some secret to getting more? It seems that most people sleep quite well. What am I doing wrong?

IYK has a crusty gine. Pass it on.

Spaced is finally out on DVD here. What the hell took them so long?

I really need to quit caffeine. It'll be brutal and painful. Much like being in a relationship.

That's all the time we have today. Tune in next time for what we hope will be a real post.

Listen! Do you smell something?

So I'm not sure what to do or what to think. Life has been going in a way best described as not downward for a little while now and it's something that I'm so unused to that it seems...wrong. I'm a little scared I don't mind telling you.

As best I can determine it kind of started at the beginning of the year. My boss' boss saw that I was basically about to quit and reordered my job so that I got moved away from the guy that everyone hates and reported directly to him instead. Good. Then I moved again to a much nicer office. Good. Then I not only survived the lay-offs I came out of it pretty much promoted and given the opportunity, albeit through hard work and some difficulty, to really shine. Pretty damn good.

Then I finally found a place that would not only approve me for a lease but wasn't a place I felt like I was settling for. I move this week to a place that is neither small nor dirty nor in a manky neighborhood nor way out in the middle of nowhere. I actually like the place and they approved me. I think maybe one or two of you know the full story about my fall from grace and resultant struggle to pull myself back out of the muck so let me just say that this is more than a big deal. This is huge. Huger than I can say without going into the whole story, which I'm not going to do.

For the first time in so long I can barely remember it, the future is not completely bereft of light. I don't feel like I'm drowning in abject misery all day everyday. Sometimes I even smile a bit. It's odd I know but it's true. I was there. I felt it happen.

Paranoia is of course quite high. Every time I start to step up I tend to get swatted back down harder than the last time. I can't take that. Not again. Think happy thoughts, everyone. There appears to be light at the end of the tunnel. I sincerely hope it's sunshine.

All you need in life is a little place for your stuff.

I woke up this morning and the first thing that greeted me was news that George Carlin had died. What can you say about ol' George that hasn't been said already? Not much. All I can really say is that he was and will ever be my favorite comic ever. The very first time I ever heard him he made me laugh so hard that I stopped breathing. Literally. Over the course of many years I watched many HBO specials and listened to many albums and read his three books and he never failed to make me laugh and think.

Rest in peace, George. There will never be another like you.

Ain't life grand?

We just got finished with a bloodbath at my company. Many many people let go, pretty much at random. The decisions came from the corporate office and to them we're all just a bunch of faceless names on a a sheet of paper. They show up, axe a bunch of people and move to the next location to repeat the carnage. It has not been a pleasant time for anyone.

I survived the reaping intact but now I have two jobs. Literally. They chopped one guy in my department and ALL of his work has landed squarely on my desk. Still just the one paycheck though. Two jobs to one check is a bad ratio. I'm going to have to go ahead and come out firmly against it.

Bleh. I'll make it work and get it organized to within an inch of its life so that no one will miss him (on a work level anyway, I assume some people will miss him personally. I hear that's what normal people do.) I'm already being told what a wonderful job I'm doing by all and sundry and that I'm already doing his job better than he did. This doesn't fill me with confidence though. Considering that the last bunch of folks to get axed were mostly picked using the throw darts at a list of names method does it matter how well I do my job?

Companies ask what happened to employee loyalty. That shit works both ways, people.

Re: Elections

Dear Hillary Clinton,

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Sincerely,

Me

One must wonder how one the biggest, most irrational egos I've ever seen deals with having to admit that it lost. I bet there were tears. Huge hysterical tears. Hehehe.

Where the hell have I been?

Yikes. It's been a minute or two, huh? I haven't been on hardly at all the last month or so. I've been trying to catching up on a combination of reading, writing and DVD watching. While I've been successful at that I've been neglecting this. BOOOOO!!!

Indeed. Boo.

I think this is the part where I make some halfassed comment about trying harder and doing better and similar. So yeah. I'll get right on that.

I do actually have some stuff put down on here so fear not ye faithful few. More sextacular words by me are forthcoming.

Who put this on?

It's on random!

I haven't updated for a ridiculous amount of time but I have good reasons, none of which I'm going to share. Neener.

How miserable do you think the very first gay person was? Think about it.

Did you ever notice that every time a rock station does a promo for itself it ALWAYS goes like this:
"We play the rock!"
*snippet from song you like*
"The rock!!"
*snippet from song you really like*
"THE ROCK!!"
*snippet from song you love*
THE ROCK!! NOW!!"
*plays absolutely shitty song you hate in its entirety*

I'm given to understand that I really am engaged now. I'm going to need some of you to attend or my side of the audience is going to look pretty pathetic. I'll keep you posted.

It bugs the ever lovin' shit out of me that Saturday is called Saturday. It completely clashes with the other days of the week. A day each for the sun and moon. Fine. Then days, in order, for Tyr, Odin, Thor and Frigg. ALL Norse. Then a day for Saturn. A roman titan. What the fuck, man? I demand that this be changed before it causes my head to explode. I've been stressing over it since childhood and I can't take much more. Write to your congressman.

It really pisses me off when people end every other sentence with "right now." I am so tired right now. I am really upset right now. I am so confused right now. Listen people, we all understand that you're talking about the present. If you just say "I am so tired." we won't assume you meant last week or three day from now. Y'see the fact that you said "I am" indicates the present tense. We don't need further clarification. Knock it the fuck off. Right now.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Did you ever notice that if a piece of chocolate melts and then sets up again it tastes completely different? What's that all about?

Stop pronouncing the W in sword. It makes you sound like a moron and it pisses me off. Don't ask me why because I don't know, it just does.

Have you ever stared at the sky until it frightens you? Try it, it's awesome.

So far this year I have seen 53 movies from credits to credits. I have no idea how many partials. I watch a lot of partials.

I put my pants on both legs at once. Out of spite.

Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence...

How is it that when I sign another blood pact with Taco about writing that I get an email telling me that one of my favorite small press publishers is taking applicants now for its yearly boot camp for writers? I suspect polar bears are involved somehow, as they usually are. I will now try to find ways to make fire be the answer I'm looking for.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled web browsing.

What do you know, I still had some drool left.

Last weekend was the spring edition of Horrorfind weekend. You might remember me mentioning it last year at about this time and it's still awesome. How awesome? Three words:

George. Fucking. Romero.

The right thinking portion of the audience understands. The rest of you are in serious danger of being dead to me. Either way I am pleased to say that I have touched and talked to George Romero (who is WAY taller than I thought he was). Not only that but there were cast reunions for all five of his Dead movies. The front of my NotLD DVD is covered with writing. I can neither confirm nor deny that I've done disturbing things with it since the mass signing. I'd wash my hands after handling it if I were you though.

Anyway, day 1 was all about George and company and spending what amounted to an entire week's pay in the dealer's room. This time out it was heavily loaded toward the movie end of it though I did score a few good books. The highlight of day 1 was stopping by the Borderlands Press table. They're always there and I always buy something. BP is run by Thomas Monteleone who is also a writer I like quite a bit. As I was browsing we struck up a conversation. Not me drooling on him but a real conversation. We talked about books and movies and similar. We agreed on virtually everything and he suggested some things for me to track down that he thought I should be aware of. Bonus: he also hates a lot of the same people I do. Some of you know who public enemy number 1 is and he doesn't like him either. I was filled with joy. We spent a few minutes mocking him in particular. We chatted for almost an hour all together. He's a really nice and interesting guy on top of being a good writer. He also gave me some writing advice free of charge and that's never a bad thing considering the source.

Day 2 started with a screening of NotLD. I'd never seen it on a screen bigger than a TV so this was grabtacular indeed. As usual it made me want to find and destroy zombies but in a much bigger way. The big screen makes a great thing even better. If you ever have the chance, jump on it.

This was followed by another lap around the dealer's room then back over to the theater for some sneak previews and panels with indie film makers. Always fun. This led me into the readings. I love the readings. Hearing a writer read his story aloud, if he is a good storyteller, is a real treat for me. Plus the Q & A's are usually good for at least a little nugget or two.

Ah sweet Horrorfind. Where else can you meet Chainsaw Sally, dressed in the full get up including the Oh Shit I'm Trying And Failing To Hold These Things In shirt and find that she's awesome and very happy indeed to sign your DVD? Of course, being born the day after me in the same year means she's the appropriate sign to contain the awesome but still.

Between this and meeting James Morrow my weekend was packed with awesome. I feel obligated to report that I smiled. Apparently numerous times and for fairly lengthy stretches at a time. I'm given to understand it was something worth seeing.

Idol worship? Don't mind if I do!

As some of you may know, I am a voracious reader. I read more than anyone I know or have ever known. When asked to describe myself using only one word the word I pick most often is bookworm. I love books quite a lot. If my ability to read were ever taken from me I would likely throw myself in front of a train or off a very tall building. I tell you this to give you some idea of how great my night was.

I got to meet my favorite living writer tonight. This is equivalent to a religious zealot getting to meet, at the very least, St. Peter/Moses/Mohammed/you get the point.

The writer in question is James Morrow. As I said he is my favorite living writer. This puts him at the top of a very long list. To say I love his books is understating it. When I hear a new one of coming out I ride a wave of bliss for several days. You can imagine what it's like when I actually lay hands on them. Of course I buy them immediately but I don't start reading them right away. Having a James Morrow book I haven't read for the first time yet is an event and has to be savored. This last time I lasted almost a week. It was a lovely kind of agony while it lasted.

Anyway, I was sniffing around online and found that he was doing some signings in support of the new book. The closest stop was over 100 miles away. I instantly put in for that day off work and planned to attend.

You know how sometimes you might wonder what famous types are like in person? You might get nervous about meeting them in case they're raging assholes and you lose all respect for them. No such problem this night. I was the first one there and when he arrived I was still sitting in the reading area by myself. He walked right up and shook my hand and introduced himself. I am pleased to report that I neither fainted nor soiled myself. Huzzah! Throughout the event he was witty, warm, highly intelligent and quick to smile, basically exactly the way I hoped he would be except for the part where we become lifelong friends and he puts me in his next book.

There was a reading and then a Q & A. I managed to ask a question that I think wasn't too annoying or stupid and have him give an answer that was far better than the question deserved. It was, in a word, awesome.

I don't know if it's worth mentioning or not but it occurs to me that my last post was about the very sad death of Arthur C. Clarke and this one is about James Morrow. I bought my first James Morrow book because of a great blurb on it from Arthur C. Clarke.

Several things jumped out at me and will stick with me but the one thing that has now made me respect the man himself at the same level that I respect his work, and something that would make any right thinking person switch from religion to scientific humanism, was this quote about people, children in particular:

"I believe in original virtue as opposed to original sin."

That alone was worth the trip.

Against the laws of nature, there is no appeal.

It makes me incredibly sad to have to say that Sir Arthur C. Clarke has passed away after giving the world a mere 90 years. Would that he could have had 90 more.

When asked who my favorite sf writer is, the answer is invariably Arthur C. Clarke but he was much more than that. He wasn't just a good sf writer, he was a damn fine writer, period. As far as sf goes he wasn't a giant of the field, he was a titan. The fact that he wanted to be remember as a writer in spite of his many other accomplishments says all I would ever need to know about him.

I could go on at great length about all the things that make him great but you either already know or probably never will. If the former then I grieve with you, if the latter then I pity you.

Mr. Clarke, for all of the many hours of joy and wonder you have given me I can only say thank you and as long as I live you will never be forgotten.

You gotta keep the devil way down in the hole.

And just like that, it's over. The Wire is gone for good. David Simon wanted five seasons to tell his story and after five, it is no more. I'm having some difficulty with it.

The Wire wasn't just a show. It was too big to ever think of it as merely a show. It was powerful and riveting. It was a force of nature. It came down like the hand of God and said, "Here. Look at this. This is the world and this is how it really works. No bullshit."

From the lowest of the low to the highest halls of power you saw everything and everything you saw was truth. An entire city was deconstructed from the sewers up and you were shown how it all fit together from the hard light of day on the streets to the man behind the curtain during the darkest time of night. No one was safe and the only thing held sacred was the truth.

This wasn't some same old same old cop show that was mostly about great cops, with maybe one sort of flawed guy in there for flavor, that always got their man and taught you a valuable lesson and everything was tidy before the credits rolled. Not all the cops were that great and most of them were deeply flawed. The criminals got equal time and equal development and some of them actually made you give a damn about them. Then there were the lawyers, judges, teachers, school kids, union workers both dirty and clean, wise guys, reporters and politicians of all makes and models. You've never seen so many characters in one show and they were ALL great.

I was drawn to it because I recognized the streets where they filmed. That was my city they were showing and they better not fuck it up. I stayed because having seen it I couldn't look away. This was, without exception, the best series to ever air on TV. Ever.

So to the entire cast and crew and to Mr. Simon I say thank you. It was my honor to have experienced this wonderful and amazing thing that you created.

Wait...what?

So there I was over at another carbon based being's home and there had been a recent trip to the video store. Never one to pass up an opportunity to watch a movie I ask what they are and when the watching is going to commence. Let's see what we have here...Michael Clayton, 30 Days of Night and Beowulf and the watching will commence...now!

I'd just seen Michael Clayton so they put in 30 Days first. They asked if I had seen it already (I had) and I asked if they'd ever seen the comic it's based on (they hadn't) then I made a point to say how the guy that drew it had left a comment on my blog recently (because when famous people leave comments on your blog, you fucking tell people) and we enjoyed the carnage and bloodshed and making fun of Josh Hartnett who looks like a Cro Magnon.

Next up came Beowulf. It's that motion capture animated one that was out last year. When asked if I'd seen this I said no, I avoided it because I didn't want to spend money on it. They asked why and I explained, again, my general hatred of adaptations combined with the fact that I could see that some pretty huge changes had been made to the source material just from the trailers and some shit you just shouldn't fuck with at all let alone in a big way and Beowulf is one of those things.

Now, I told you all of this to get to this bit, so pay close attention.

They then said, "What, is this a remake of some other movie or something?"

"Sorry, what?"

"This. Was it out before?"

"Uh...yeah, man. It's over a thousand years old and is one of the most famous poems in the world. It's, y'know, Beowulf."

"I never heard of it before."

"..."

"What?"

"Nothing. I...it...nothing."

So yeah, I had that conversation.

I don't want to hate. They MAKE me hate.

I warn you in advance that this is going to sound really misogynistic. There's no way around that, sorry.

Heather Mills.

Heather. Fucking. Mills.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Will someone please explain to me why this miserable gold digging gunch thinks she deserves 150 million dollars from the husband she's trying to divorce? Have I mentioned that her husband is Sir Paul McCartney? That part's important. You see, he was a Beatle. You may have heard of them seeing as they were one of the most important and influential musical acts to ever exist. Ever. Think about that for a minute. It's not something to gloss over. He was one of the driving forces behind one of the most amazing bands ever. The things they did with music are so far over my head that I don't even try to understand them all. He was a Beatle. That fucking means something to most of the civilized world, even those that don't truly understand music or its importance. It's not the kind of thing that happens a lot. It's not like they were some band that was just really good and people liked them. They were a thing of rare beauty and power. The kind of thing that could, and did, change the entire fucking world.

She's just a one legged whore that fucked a Beatle.

Why then does she feel entitled to so much of his money? He offered her 50 million dollars to go away and it wasn't enough for her. You ignorant, loathsome skank, what the fuck have you ever done that warranted a fucking BEATLE giving you even that much let alone three times that much?! Spreading your leg and stump isn't exactly a difficult skill to master. Shit, I'd cut one of my legs right the fuck off for 50 million dollars.

Some of us would be honored to even be able to speak to him, even just to say hello to him and have him reply in kind. Somehow you think that having gone to bed with him makes you deserving of a massive fortune beyond the dreams of the vast majority of the world. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you you worthless, idiotic bitch? It would be cheaper for him to have you killed and no one would think he did anything wrong.

You also complain that now nobody likes you and the press write bad things about you and people say mean things to you. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT YOU FUCKING DISEASE RIDDLED SLIT!?!?! He. Was. A. Beatle! And you're trying to wring money from him in an obvious gold digging cash grab. Are you really so stupid that you thought people would take your side or are you so utterly ignorant that you can't understand who it is that you're treating like shit?

Just thinking about it makes me too furious to think straight. If my hate were an engine a Scottish man would be yelling at me that we can't take much more of this. I'll sum up by saying this:

Fuck you Heather Mills. I hope you die soon and in great pain you contemptible, useless, despicable, vile and shrieking harpy. Do the entire world a favor and go choke on something.

Experiment 1 can only be called a failure

My work has about the tightest web blocking stuff of anyone I know. Other people access Blogger or Youtube or such from work and not only can I not do that I can't get to some regular news sites. It's a bit excessive. I can't even access any personal email at work so I use my work email to harass people during the course of any given day. It's fun for me. Probably not so much for them.

It turns out that the company has a filter on the email too that goes above and beyond the normal call of duty. It seemed that every other email I got was blocked by the company blocky thingy. What the hell? After some rigorous detective work it turned out that any email that contained any profanity was blocked.

I'm talking any profanity. It seems like it can even hear you thinking and if you think a curse word while typing it's BLOCKED! NAUGHTY! NONONONONO!!! Seems a little harsh but OK, I spread the word and my emails get a lot less colorful. Of course, people being people, it's an easy thing to forget so I have to send back a message that they got blocked and they edit and send it again.

The thing only works one way. I can send an email of nothing but the most profane abuse and any reply in kind is blocked. "No sir, you can't talk to him like that! Who do you think you are?" I can almost hear the filter say.

It kinda made me feel special after a few days. The filter was just trying to protect me from what it thought might be abusive language directed at my sensitive person and knowing that, while sensitive I am also filled with passion, generously allowed me to vent anything I wanted at anyone I wanted.

Y'know, it's been pretty quiet around the office recently too. Did the filter become self aware, escape the machine and start filtering ALL profanity around me? Could I still curse as much as I wanted (which is to say, a lot)? Clearly a few tests are in order.

"Shit."

This was all the proof I needed but more experimentation was required. I quickly devised a test involving those around me and immediately got to it.

Me (to Dave, the Control Group): What's up man?
Dave: Same old.
Me: Right on.

I scribbled a few notes and observations and continued to the meat of the experiment.

Me (to Bobby, the Focus of the Experiment): Fuck you.
Bobby: What?
Me: Fuck. You.
Bobby: What the fuck, man?

I scribbled more notes but I was lost in a sea of confusion. Where had I gone wrong? Did I do something not sciencey enough? It seemed like pure science to me. I had a control group and everything! I'm not sure where to go from here but clearly more experimentation needs to be done. Maybe if I wore one of those white coats...

One giant evolutionary step back

Last Friday (yeah yeah I know it's Tuesday now, I've been busy, fuckers!) I moved into a new office. It's much better than the one I was in and MUCH better than the one before that with the bitchtastic boss I had to share it with. The IT dude delivered my new computer, the old one being a 600 mhz fossil that was a wire and a half away from being an abacus, and I had to get my desk over there. All was yay and fluffy kittens.

Yeah, sure. This is me we're talking about people.

My brother in law works for the same company and is also big and manly like me so I called him and he came from his office to help me with the desk. This desk is a beast. A big, heavy, solid, heavy, long and heavy thing.

It's also pretty heavy.

So we manhandle it into position and hoist it up like the strapping men we are. Somehow I'm the one that ends up walking backwards and as we're passing a sticky outy part of the wall I hear, "Watch your fingers."

BAMCRUSHFUCKITHURTS

There went my right thumb. Caught between the desk, which I may have mentioned is fairly weighty, and the wall, which didn't have a whole lot of give in it, was my thumb. Crushed. Ow.

OK, no problem. My pain tolerance is high so I try to grip the right side of the desk with just my fingers and we continue. So as we're maneuvering through one of the doors in our path, the second of four, I hear, "Seriously now, watch your fingers."

SMASHCRUSHWHATTHEFUCKSWEETMOTHERTHATFUCKINGHURTS

Left thumb caught between the desk, still heavy, and the frame of the door, made of metal and therefore harder and less forgiving than, say, cotton candy. Smashed it real good chief.

So now I have no thumbs. I am below the lowest of primates at this point. No opposable thumbs. Survival of the fittest isn't working out too well for me. Anyone got an icepack or something?

Stoking the hate engine

It's no great secret that I hate things. A lot of things. And by hate I don't mean dislike, I mean hate. Dislike has no passion in it. Hatred has quite a lot. One of the things I hate is reviewers. Books, movies, music, doesn't matter. So many professional reviewers are so full of shit and either so ignorant, snobbish or both that they make me want to strangle them so they can never inflict their bullshit on any more innocent fans. The only thing worse than listening to a professional reviewer do their job is listening to, say, a student taking their first high level literature class and then deciding to talk down to you about it like you're some kind of illiterate trog. I imagine these same students grow up to be reviewers. I got to thinking about this today (Taco's fault) and then got to thinking about my most hated reviewer and then got angry so now I'm sharing it with you lot.

Lisa Scharzbaum is her name and getting on my fucking nerves is her game. She writes movie reviews for Entertainment Weekly, a magazine that I enjoy otherwise. She's not always entirely wrong mind you, it's hard to be wrong literally all the time, but she rubs me the wrong way in such an aggressive manner 98% of the time that if I want an excuse to get furious all I have to do is read a review by her and BOOM, instant anger.

Firstly, she always seems to be the one to review the geek movies and she NEVER lets an opportunity slide to let us know that she is not a geek and that she looks down her nose at those of us that are. She tends to begin these reviews by letting us know that she has no knowledge of the source material and then tells us that makes her perfect to do the review because she won't act like a drooling fanboy about it. We're all drooling idiots, y'see. She will then not be able to resist getting through the review without taking shots at the source material which she claims no knowledge of and the writer of that material. She spent most of her review of Sin City telling us why the comics were shit and why Frank Miller is a hack comic book writer and should never ever be confused with Jane Austin and why we all suck for liking it and why the movie sucked because it was made to be like the source material. Apparently if you don't go out of your way to alienate the fans of the original work, you don't deserve to make movies. Even when she raves about the movie like, for example, The Lord of the Rings movies, she still can't resist taking shots at Tolkien fans. What the fuck, man?

She's also one of these women that measure things with large female roles by what they do to advance the cause of feminism. That's fine if that's what the movie is about but to end your review of Juno by saying that there should have been this that and the other about all manner of hard fought battles that took place so that a person like Juno could exist in the first place is just fucking stupid. Perhaps you'd like a personal apology from Diablo Cody (the writer and *gasp* a woman) for not personally thanking you for blazing the trail that allowed her to write a movie. Sorry Lisa, not every woman measures her sense of self worth by her personal contributions toward the advancement of the universal vagina. How about you crawl down out of your own cervix and join us out here in the real world where not everything that includes women has to have a message about girlpowerempowermentvaginayaydownwiththepenis blahblahblah.

Then of course there are the reviews where she just says things so fucking ignorant that my brain forces my eyes to go blurry so that I won't read any more and risk possible brain damage. The review for Lars and the Real Girl, one of my favorites from last year, went on and on about how it was stupid because the town people were enabling him and were acting "bonkers." I'm sorry, were you looking for realism in a movie about a guy who is so emotionally damaged that he starts a relationship with a sex doll that he believes is a real woman? Way to miss the fucking point.

She shouldn't be allowed to review action movies either. She compared the original Matrix (you know, the one that was flat out fucking amazing) unfavorably to Face/Off (you know the American John Woo movie that was exactly what you'd expect an American John Woo movie to be, a John Woo movie with all the cool shit taken out and replaced with boring old shit you've seen a hundred times and an ending so fucking terrible that it makes you wish you'd died before you had to see it.) .

Ugh, I'm going to stop now before this devolves into a novelette. She just pisses me off so bad that I had to get it out.

The year that was: Part V

I'll make this part short because besides me only 2 people (pretty sure it's only 2) that come here regularly will care. The rest of you uncultured heathens can just wait for a few more days until the last part of this little series comes to cover the odds and ends. Anyway, on to the best comics of 2008.

There is no way around the first thing I mention being Matt Wagner's new Grendel series, Behold The Devil. Last year marked the 25th anniversary of this iconic character and Wagner brought him back in style, writing and doing the art (black, white and red of course) himself. You know how you wait and wait for something and then it comes and it's better than you hoped? Yeah, it's like that. Vivat Grendel!

Joss Whedon brought back both Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel for seasons 8 and 6 respectively and is writing and overseeing the comics the same way he did the shows, both of which I love. Since Joss Whedon is my lord and master I implore you all do give him as much money as you can and so sacrifice any creatures it seems right to sacrifice unto him.

Ben Templesmith's (Fell, 30 Days of Night) Wormwood: Gentleman Corpse hits all the sweet spots. A sentient worm inhabits and reanimates a human corpse and spends a lot of time either drinking or fighting to save earth from all manner of foul and loathsome things from horrid dimensions. Horror, humor and action with Templesmith's always eye grabbing art.

Other series/one shots/whatever from '07 that are worth more than a look:

100 Bullets
Y: The Last Man
Criminal
Doktor Sleepless
The Boys
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: The Black Dossier
All Star Superman
All Star Batman
The Nightly News

Probably forgetting something but this is still a damn fine example of last year's best. Now some other stuff:

The Award for Best Art goes to Jae Lee and Richard Isanove for their work on The Dark Tower. Isanove painted over Lee's pencils and it was beautiful.

The award for Dumbest Scam to Try to Make You Buy A Lot Of Shitty Comics goes to Marvel. Yet again. Multiple times last year actually. They did their usual massive company wide crossover event, Civil War, which was designed solely to try to make you buy titles you don't normally buy in order to get the complete story (Marvel began doing this kind of shit way back in the late 80's and was part of the reason I stopped collecting the first time) which ended with the death of Captain America (he'll be back if he's not already) and then they IMMEDIATELY launched into another company wide crossover called World War Hulk designed to do the exact same thing. At least they're consistent.

Speaking of Marvel, I was feeling guilty about buying one of their titles (even my lord and master Joss Whedon writing an X-Men book couldn't make me give money to Marvel), Moon Knight, but justified it because it was written by the grabtacular Charlie Huston. I love his novels so I felt like I had to buy his take on Moon Knight. It was awesome. It looks like he doesn't write it anymore so I can go back to quietly ignoring Marvel again. It's sad to see Huston off the book but as long as he keeps writing novels that are all manner of yay then I'm fine with it.

The I Just Stopped Giving A Damn So I'm Not Buying It Anymore Award goes to The Walking Dead. It might be because Kirkman is writing something like 473 monthly titles now but the story just stopped making me give a shit about it. Shame.

The year that was: Part IV

I decided to expand on last year's lists of books, movies and music to further show off my fabulous taste in all things and because I realized that depriving you of my valued opinion on more topics is just mean. Never let it be said that I'm not a giver.

So it turns out that there were a few good things on TV last year. I have to say that far and away the most watchable, riveting thing that aired in 2007 wasn't a drama or a comedy and it for damn sure wasn't a reality show. It was Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel. Seriously.

Eleven episodes that divided the earth into different segments and then showed you things in those segments that you'd never seen before. That NO human had ever seen before in many cases. It was so visually stunning that you can watch it with the sound off and still be utterly fascinated by it though I would suggest it as the narration is amazing too. I kid you not, if you haven't seen this then you need to stop what you're doing and lay hands on it. Now. You will love it.

On to more mundane things, The Office continued to impress. I normally despise remakes but this one is, for me, the best comedy on TV. It finds the right balance between old fashion laughs and Ricky Gervais/Larry David squirm humor. The new season was supposed to be extra long before the writer's strike brought the entire industry to a screeching halt. Very sad that I won't get to see them.

Speaking of Gervais, Extras put out a one shot series finale. Extras managed, in just two seasons, to become one of the funniest shows of all time. I mean that, it's right up there with Python and Fawlty Towers and Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Larry Sanders Show and so on and so on. It really is that funny.

30 Rock was also hysterical much more often than not. Alec Baldwin is without a doubt the best actor going in a comedy series. Every single line his character speaks he turns into comedy gold. Tina Fey has turned her little show that could into the funny show that is.

I also continue to love Lost. The season started a little slow but by mid-season it was chugging along, by the final episode it was screaming down the tracks and then, as usual, the final ep of the season was a mushroom cloud layin' motherfucker. This show has its hooks in me and I love it.

My Name is Earl continues to be the most intelligently written comedy and one of the more intelligently written series period on TV. A show about a redneck that changes his life and starts to follow karma but manages to never get preachy or pretentious.

The best new show that I watched was Reaper. It's a show about an average guy whose parents sold his soul to the devil before he was even born. Now he has to work for Old Scratch to hunt down and trap souls that have escaped from hell so they can be returned. His hyper best friend Sock and levelheaded friend Ben help him in his misadventures. It sounds stupid but when I heard that Kevin Smith was directing the pilot I was on board. I really really hope this show catches on.

Also mostly worth DVRing or Tivoing:

Bones
How I Met Your Mother
Scrubs
Big Love

There are still some shows I've never managed to watch even though they come highly recommended which I will give some lip service to now:

Battlestar Galactica
Weeds
Dexter
The Bionic Woman
Dirty Sexy Money

Without a doubt the dumbest fucking show that dropped last year was Cavemen. They based an entire TV show around a series of car insurance commercials. I of course condemn it without having watched so much as a single second of it. Sometimes I will do nothing to hold back my inner snob.

Reality TV continues to be a big draw and I continue to not watch it. None of it. Not a single episode of any of the mind numbing bullshit. Please stop making this idiotic tripe. PLEASE.

I also don't watch and of the CSI shows. When asked why, I always respond that they're just not believable on any level. But, they say, you watch Lost and other shows that aren't exactly believable. Yes, I respond, but they aren't supposed to be. After watching a few of those CSI shows I just couldn't take it any more. Crime scene investigators are not police. They do not make arrests or conduct interviews or lead investigations and there is not a single lab in any police department on earth that is one tenth as equipped as these places and, finally, the bad guy is caught every episode without fail. Sorry, it's just stupid.

The worst creative slump go to Heroes. Last season the show was perfect. Well written, well acted and each episode built tension in itself and built toward the overarching plot all without missing a single beat. This season it just kind of meandered in its own way and couldn't decide what it wanted to do. Massive bonus points to the series creators though for coming out and say sorry, we fucked up and then promising that they'd start to fix it right away. Then the writer's strike. Ugh.

Best part of the strike? The canceling of boring and not even close to relevant or credible awards shows. Good job there.

TV's biggest mystery remains how Jay Leno continues to draw more Viewers than David Letterman. Leno is not now and has never been funny nor has he ever been a good interviewer or done good bits. He took Carson's show and ran it into the ground. It absolutely sucks.

Letterman on the other hand is still razor sharp, funny as all hell and smart as a whip. He's a phenomenal interviewer and should have been the one to inherit Carson's show. Maybe that's it, he's too smart for the majority of mouth breathing trogs that worship at the light of their master, TV.

It should be noted that I make no mention of The Wire, the greatest show in TV, because it did not air in 2007. Season 4 ended in very late '06 and season 5 started at the beginning of '08. Expect to see it on next year's list, right at the top.

The year that was: Part III

We've come to the music portion of our recap. I feel I should point out in advance that my music list will in no way resemble the forthcoming or already out lists of music critics and similar. The reasons are simple:

I still don't like Radiohead and I never have. In fact I have actively disliked them since the first time I heard their first single get played on the local indie station way back when. I think I may have once heard a song by them that I sort of liked but I can't say for sure it was them. It sounded like them minus the suck. Can't be sure.

I still don't think that listening to The Shins will change your life in any conceivable way. I listen to their stuff and am filled with an overwhelming sense of...meh. It does nothing for me. At all. It doesn't move me or make me wonder at their skill as musicians or any other such thing.

I don't think Arcade Fire is the greatest thing since whatever the last greatest thing was. They also do virtually nothing for me.

Kanye West and his insane ego and race baiting only make me want to ignore him in hopes that he will get so desperate for attention that he will do something stupid and end up in a coma. That or just grow the hell up and get over himself. Either or.

Anyway, here's my take on the music of '07, the best album of which was...

The White Stripes - Icky Thump

Once again Jack and Meg have dropped a bomb on the ears of the world. Much more of a straightforward rock record than their last album and I think I much prefer it that way. The guitar shreds and while some people will scream that Meg is a bad drummer it seems more to me that Jack writes her drum parts to be nothing but stripped down almost primal banging. I've heard more than one reviewer call their music childish or childlike and that just shows that these people miss the point. There is nothing childish about it. You either get it or you don't and if you get it, you're going to love it.

Shit hot tracks: Icky Thump and Rag and Bone.

Coming in firmly at number two (so firmly that I almost made it number 1) is Raising Sand by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss. Talk about an odd pairing. On paper you think, "Bwah?" but once that sweet sweet music starts to flow all you can think is that you're hearing something truly significant. A mix of some rock and blues, folk and R&B, blue grass and maybe a little gospel in the background for flavor, all without ever getting in its own way or stepping on its own toes. The music is spare and makes certain that while you won't ignore it, it won't try to make you forget to focus on the singing which takes center stage. Producer T-Bone Burnett brings it all together in a way that makes it pure gold. This is one for the ages. Bank on it.

Shit hot tracks: Killing The Blues and Through The Morning, Through The Night.

Next up is Back To Black by Amy Winehouse. A huge voice that she and some smart producers decided to put over actual music instead of same old same old pop beats. The first time I heard a song off of this album I wondered if I had somehow come across a throwback station on the radio and would some Billie Holiday or Nina Simone be coming up next. I finally found out who it was and then Noq informed me that the entire album was like that. I ran straight out and got it. The vocals are superb, the music drives and every song is full of passion.

Shit hot tracks: Rehab and Back To Black.

The Foo Fighters released Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace and continue to put out high quality rock albums in an age where shitty rock music is the norm. Dave Grohl is, for my money, a fucking brilliant song writer and this album lives up to all his previous work, which is saying a lot. There isn't a whole lot I can say other than if you're a fan of Foo, you already love it and if you're not then there's probably something wrong with you.

Shit hot tracks: The Pretender and Long Road To Ruin.

I'm going to go out on not much of a limb and say that none of my regular readers knows who Lucinda Williams is or why she's awesome. This should change as soon as possible. Last year she released West, yet another great album. Her bluesy, folksy music combined with her far above average lyrics once again blend to make a triumphant noise...that a small fraction of the listeners she deserves will hear. Very seldom are the times I will steer you wrong. You NEED to have some Lucinda in your CD collection.

Shit hot tracks: All of them.

Finally, Ministry released The Last Sucker. Good old Al is in fine form taking shots at George W. just like he took shots at his father way back when. The album is fast, hard, heavy and pissed off like a Ministry album should be and reminds us that even though he won't be president for much longer, we shouldn't stop being furious at W.

Shit hot tracks: Let's Go and No Glory.

Now then, on to the other stuff.

Nickelback did not release an album in '07. God is good.

Godsmack went on "hiatus." God is great.

Jennifer Lopez released an album and it tanked. God is mighty...and funny.

The Award for Best Cover Song goes to Ministry for Roadhouse Blues (The Doors). The original made me want to go to the bar and get really drunk. This version makes me want to go to the bar, get really drunk and beat up everyone in the place.

The Award for Worst Cover Song goes to Godsmack for having the audacity to cover Good Times, Bad Times. Excuse me but you do realize that you're nothing but a Metallica/AiC rip off band and that it is completely offensive for you to even try to cover any song by the greatest band ever, right? Please make your hiatus permanent and never try to make music again. Fuck you.

It's not a music post by me unless I work in a reference to Maynard. He finally released an album for his Puscifer side project called V is for Vagina. For something that he mostly thinks of as one offs or things that he just wanted out of his head I gotta say, it ain't bad. Indigo Children was stuck in my head for days.

I think I'll stop now as my last post got way out of control and was damn near a novella by the time I stopped and I still hadn't got to everything I wanted to.

The year that was: Part II

Moving on to my second great love, movies. Last year was a damn good year for movies. Without any further ado, here goes.

Hands down the best movie I saw last year was Children of Men. I know, I know, technically it came out in '06 but by "came out" I mean "was shown at a festival or two and then given a theatrical release in 2 cities so that it could be in Oscar contention." It wasn't released wide until January so I count it as an '07.

Anyway, it was the first movie I saw in '07. I went to see it the first week of the year if memory serves and I walked out thinking, "There's no way in hell I'll see a better movie than that this year." I was right.

It's not just a great movie but, in my not at all humble opinion, an important movie. It's not just the story, which was very good, or the acting, which was superb. The cinematography was flat out amazing. I've never seen anything like it before. The scene in the car that was done in one long take is nothing short of brilliant. I still can't wrap my head around it. Plus the little things that most people wouldn't notice like the fact that most of the music is right in the movie with people listening to radios and such. When was the last time that happened?

It is your duty as humans to see this movie. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Other very worthy films:

Pan's Labyrinth

Technically also an '06 for the same reasons as above but I'm counting it as an '07 also for the same reasons as above.

This was '07's visually yummy film like The Fountain was for '06. It's a beautiful and dark fairy tale that is very much not for kids but will make you connect with the kid still in you. It's standing ovation at the Cannes Film Festival was 22 minutes long and deserved every second of it.

These two were easily the best movies of the year.

As for things that officially came out in '07:

No Country For Old Men

The Coen brothers adapt a Cormac McCarthy novel and nail it. Hard. Let that shit sink in for a minute. On the surface the pace would seem slow to a cretin but it's actually relentless. The film, like the book, is brutal but strangely calm at the same time. Damn near perfect.

Juno

An ensemble dark(ish) comedy that is perfectly written and cast doesn't happen often but when it does, damn. Ellen Page, who delivered the equivalent to a blow to the head with last year's Hard Candy, is the centerpiece of this film. It's scary that she's this good so young.

Lars and the Real Girl

On the surface it sounds like a ridiculous plot (and could have easily tipped over into camp or just plain stupidity in other, less capable, hands) but they pull it off. Ryan Gosling walks a tightrope with the main character but never falls.

American Gangster

Ridley Scott directing Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. Who cares what the movie is about? I'd pay money to see Ridley Scott direct those two reading their grocery lists.

The Savages

Utterly black comedy, how I do love thee. Watching Philip Seymour Hoffman (who is one of my favorite actors) and Laura Linney deal with their father, who all but abandoned them leaving them with massive emotional damage, who has dementia is pure gold.

Sweeney Todd

It's a musical directed by Tim Burton starring Johnny Depp about a serial killing barber that is insanely bloody. Shit, man, they had me at Burton directing Depp. The rest is just gravy.

These were the best films of the year. You are, as always, free to disagree. It is your right to be wrong. And now for some other stuff!

The Why Isn't This Person In More Roles Preferably Of The Leading Variety Award goes to Jason Bateman. His supporting turns in both Juno and The Kingdom were yet more proof that he is made of pure awesome. Jennifer Garner was also in both of those movies and makes amends for Elektra. I forgive you Jennifer. Now if you'd just ditch that loser you married...

The Breakthrough Award goes to Michael Cera ( who you may remember from Arrested Development) for turns in Superbad and Juno. He's 19 and has the comedy chops and timing of a seasoned veteran.

The award for Best Idea That Tanked Because People Are Fucking Stupid goes to Grindhouse. Two movies complete with fake trailers and ads all in celebration of the grand grindhouse tradition and no one got it. People make me sick. For the record, Planet Terror is superior in EVERY way to Death Proof.

What the hell? Another good comic book movie? After Sin City and Batman Begins I was all set for a long drought full of shitty comic book adaptations like those asstastic Fantastic Four movies and such but no, here came 300. 300 will kick your ass, have sex with your woman, ruin her for other men, kick your ass again and then have its way with your prone body. And you will love it.

Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright and Nick Frost should make movies together forever. Hot Fuzz was everything you'd ever want in an action comedy.

What the hell 2, the sequel? A good remake? Have I somehow crossed into a different dimension? Maybe. Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween was perfect. It even fixed some of the problems I had with the original. Zombie knows his shit. He's one of those people that you wish you could be friends with.

You Missed The Point Of The Source Material Award goes to I Am Legend. While a decent popcorn movie in and of itself it doesn't come anywhere close to doing justice to the book.

Best use of frontal nudity goes to Viggo Mortenson in Eastern Promises who did a loooooong nude scene in which he fights off two thugs trying to kill him while he is completely naked. The added vulnerability of his exposed danglies makes the scene very BOOYA!

The best DVD releases were the special editions of Serenity and Hot Fuzz. I already owned the original editions but the new ones, especially Hot Fuzz, had so much more on them that not buying them was not an option.

The best B movies (and I do not use that term disparagingly. I love B movies) were, in no uncertain terms:

Hatchet. A good old fashioned slasher movie starring Kane Fucking Hodder. It arouses me just thinking about it.

Black Sheep. A movie from New Zealand about, wait for it, mutated, man eating sheep. Dude. This movie rocks on so many levels I can't even tell you.

Fido. A zombie movie set in the fifties after people have mostly won the zombie war and keep zombies as pets with restraining collars. Imagine the full on Leave it to Beaver treatment with flesh eating zombies. I can neither confirm nor deny that I rubbed the DVD case on my swimsuit area.

The best theatrical re-releases (we get quite a lot of those here thanks to The Senator and The Charles) were Hitchcock's The 39 Steps and Ridley Scott's Blade Runner. Seeing classics on the big screen is a treat that little else compares to.

I'm sad and weepy that I missed The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. An indie western that got raves for acting? I also missed Michael Clayton. George Clooney is Cary Grant reborn. Damn it why did I wait so long!? I can't wait until these come out on DVD.

And finally, my serious awards for the year:

Best Film: Children of Men. If you want to make an issue of the release date then it's No Country For Old Men.

Best Director: Guillermo del Toro for Pan's Labyrinth. Ridley Scott if the release date thing is an issue.

Best Screenplay: Juno written by Diablo Cody. Taking in just the screenplay without adding the actors is difficult but this is clearly the best. The lady is hilarious.

Best Actor: Javier Bardem as the psychotic Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men. He plays the character with such a quiet rage and intensity that it's unsettling to watch.

Best Actress: Ellen Page for Juno. How can she be this good so young? Don't know, don't care. All that matters is that she IS this good.

The year that was: Part I

Another year has come and gone and now, as is my way, I will tell you what the best stuff from that year was. So as not to inflict too much damage on you at once (and knowing if I make too long a post, no one will read it) I'll be splitting it up this year. First up is my true love, books.



The best book of last year, as far as I'm concerned, was The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon. It's easy to see why Chabon has previously won the Pulitzer (in '01) and it will be no surprise if this book wins awards of its own. The writing is colorful and full of life and every time you read one of his similes or metaphors you know he is taking pleasure in his own prodigious talents. How could he not? It was fairly common to come across a turn of phrase and have to pause for a moment to let it sink in to fully appreciate it.

Damn he's good.

What's it about, you ask? What the hell does it matter? Go buy it.

A small list of other worthies:

The Terror by Dan Simmons

Has Simmons ever failed to deliver? Let me think...no. Not once. He just has different levels of greatness and this is on the high end. He once again proves that he knows literature down in his marrow and can make words dance with a snap of his fingers. How is it that there are still people that don't buy every book he writes the instant it comes out?

Boomsday by Christopher Buckley

Like A Modest Proposal for the 21st century. I've been a fan of Buckley's for some time and he hits the mark with this. Definitely worth your time.

The Best Of Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet

Lady Churchill's is a zine that comes out quarterly and is full of the yummiest of stories. This is the first collection of the best of those and considering the high standard that they have, they damn well mean it when they say best of. Editors Kelly Link and Gavin Grant, who also publish the zine and choose the fantasy stories for The Year's Best Fantasy and Horror know a thing or seven about stories. Easily the best collection of the year.

We also lost a few writers in '07. They will be sorely missed.

Rest in peace.

Kurt Vonnegut
Robert Anton Wilson
Norman Mailer
Ira Levin

You can't discuss books and '07 without mentioning J. K. Rowling (Seriously, you can't. It's a law now.) For those that may be sick of hearing about her and/or her boy wizard I will say only this, 51% of children that read her did not read for pleasure before her but had begun to do so after her. God bless anyone that can do that.

Brian Lumley and Terry Brooks both released a book in '07 thereby causing the level of suck in the world to increase by quite a lot. Thanks a lot, fuckers!

This year's What The Fuck Award goes to Warren Ellis for Crooked Little Vein. Wonderfully sick, deliciously perverted and truly weird in that special Ellis way. Congratulations, Warren!

See, that wasn't so bad was it? I know good and well that by the middle of next year I'll have worked my way down the to read pile to discover a bunch of stuff that could have been included here. That's the way it goes and it drives me nuts. Not enough hours in the day, I swear. You have some homework now so get crackin'.

So far, so...meh?

People love the new year. It's like a fresh sheet of paper that you can do anything on. Lots of possibilities. Hell, you can even fold it into a pirate hat and sail the seas for booty. It took a grand total of two and a half hours for last year to let me know how it was going to go for me. So far this year my head hasn't exploded and I still have all my limbs and it's almost dinner time so I guess that's a better start. We'll see.

Last year, for the most part, was pretty shitty as years go and considering some of the years I've had that's saying something. A lot of my family and friends also had heinous shit befall them. Business as usual. May we all (and by we all I of course mean those I care for) have much, much, MUCH better years this years and every year to follow. Gods know we deserve a change in that area.

Anyway, most people have resolutions and I'm going to make some up for me now:

I resolve to try to keep this year automotive mishap free. Running down a pedestrian, a massive accident and a big ass ticket with accompanying fines from last year make me really want this one to pan out.

I resolve to try very hard to fall down less.

I resolve to continue avoiding fast food. That shit is nasty.

I resolve to try to keep my hatred of myself from interfering with my schedule of hating other people.

I resolve to not start a heroin habit.

I resolve to do a second draft of OoO. (Mostly because Taco will hurt me if I don't.)

And finally I resolve to maintain the level of awesome to which you all have become accustomed and if possible to exceed it.