I think The Waitresses said it best...

Merry Christmas, but I think I'll miss this one this year. I wait all year to hear that song on the radio. They cut it close this year, I just heard it tonight. Let's work on that for next year.

Anyway, yeah, Christmas has become my second least favorite holiday if you count the idiotic bullshit that is Valentine's Day. If you, like me, do not count it then it is my least favorite. It's not the thing itself, I mean who wouldn't want some peace on earth and good will toward men, but what it's become. I saw the first store displays go up before Halloween this year. That's insane. Two months in advance with Halloween and Thanksgiving still to come? Asinine. Then of course the corpse of Thanksgiving isn't even cold and Black Friday sends the entire thing swirling into the whirlpool of madness. If I have to see one more fucking commercial insinuate that husbands don't love their wives unless they buy them expensive, shiny and ultimately pointless shit I may have to kill someone.

Then of course just going about normal routines will send you to anger management therapy. Look you pack of gotards, your dumb asses don't read any other time of year so why the fuck are you crowding all my book stores? I'm here every week and now because you know some dude that totally read that book that one time I have to wait in line for 20 minutes to make my regularly scheduled purchases? See also the stores where I buy movies and music. You people clearly don't know what you're doing judging by the confused looks on your faces so just get whoever it is a gift card and they'll sort out what they want on their own, OK? This way you the poor bastard you're shopping for won't have to ask if you saved the receipt or just throw away whatever you got them and you won't take the chance of being savagely beaten by the store regulars that you're pissing off.

Ugh.

It's all become about greed and what are you getting me. I don't really understand it probably because we were really fucking poor and we didn't write gift lists or expect lots of presents or any of that crap. The thing I still look forward to most is dinner. I do love Christmas dinner. But I hate stressing about what people might want and they certainly aren't going to tell me (my mother and sisters this is. I've known some people that would tell me, at great length, what they might want. And it's not even that I mind buying gifts, ask around I'm fairly generous, I just prefer it to be a little more spontaneous, y'know?) and by the time it's Christmas morning my brain is fried and I've usually made myself pretty miserable. But still...dinner.

When exactly did we go from a celebration of the birth of the Christian messiah to a feeding frenzy of commercialism and slobbering greed? How exactly did that happen? I don't even subscribe to any of the Christian faiths and it still leaves me feeling a little queasy to think about.

Anyway, subtracting all the bullshit and stripping it down to well wishes and good will, I wish all of you a Merry Christmas. I didn't buy you anything but I hold some of you in my heart. If that's enough for you then I'll keep you there as long as you like. No charge.

I'm only gonna tell you one more time

Next month not only brings us the triumphant return of The Wire for its final season, it also brings us The Sarah Conner Chronicles which features Summer Glau as a Terminator. Summer Glau. Terminator.




River.

Fucking.

Tam.

As.

A.

Terminator.

Seriously, if that doesn't do it for you then you've got fucking problems not least of which is that you're in terrible danger of being declared dead to me.

Millenium hand and shrimp

To say that I like Terry Pratchett is something of an understatement. I own over 40 of his novels including the entire Discworld series, the Tiffany Aching young adult Discworld series, the Johnny Maxwell trilogy, the Bromeliad trilogy, the miscellany Once More* With Footnotes, Good Omens, the Art of Discworld book, an assortment of anthologies that he contributed short stories to, etcetera, etcetera. Pretty much anything with his name on the cover is something I will buy. He has brought me no end of joy with his work. He's made me laugh of course but he's also made me marvel at the enormity of his gift for writing.

I tell you this to give you some idea of how hard it hit me when I read this:

AN EMBUGGERANCE

Folks,

I would have liked to keep this one quiet for a little while, but because of upcoming conventions and of course the need to keep my publishers informed, it seems to me unfair to withhold the news. I have been diagnosed with a very rare form of early
onset Alzheimer's, which lay behind this year's phantom "stroke".

We are taking it fairly philosophically down here and possibly with a mild optimism. For now work is continuing on the completion of Nation and the basic notes are already being laid down for Unseen Academicals. All other things being equal, I
expect to meet most current and, as far as possible, future commitments but will discuss things with the various organisers. Frankly, I would prefer it if people kept things cheerful, because I think there's time for at least a few more books yet :o)

PS I would just like to draw attention to everyone reading the above that this should
be interpreted as 'I am not dead'. I will, of course, be dead at some future point, as
will everybody else. For me, this maybe further off than you think - it's too soon to tell.
I know it's a very human thing to say "Is there anything I can do", but in this case I
would only entertain offers from very high-end experts in brain chemistry.

I wish I could have as positive an attitude about this as he seems to have. Mr Pratchett, you truly are amazing, sir. You say you want people to keep things cheerful but I don't think I can do that. At least not yet. Perhaps after the sadness and anger fade a little I can re-read your works and find some cheer.

I think I'm mildly concussed...

But we'll get to that later. I'm not sure what to make of this week so far. It's sending me more mixed signals than a cock eyed semaphore flagger. We're hoping it ends on a good note though.

It started when I found out that the place where I go to buy movies is closing. Those of you that know me know that movies are very important to me and second only to books on my list of shit I love. Even though they are only second for me I still see more movies than most that claim to be movie buffs. This place had a great selection in every category and genre, helpful staff, perfect ordering system, the works. Now they're closing and my OCD is already going into hyperdrive.

Where the hell am I supposed to go for movies now? Places like Best Buy don't have the same selection and giant chains like FYI carry all the stuff everyone knows but if you're looking for some obscure thing they won't have it and the staff tends to be made up of teens and twenty somethings that know shit all about most everything. This probably seems like nothing to everyone but it's making me crazy.

Also this week, my boss has given up even the pretense that we aren't on speaking terms any more. He speaks to me only when he absolutely has too and even then won't look at me when he does it. He's doing this to several others too and none of us can figure out why. Now I know I'm difficult to get along with and it's not easy to like me. I know I'm an arrogant prick. I know. This doesn't explain why he's doing it to the others though or why it's only us.

I dislike lots of people that work here but you know what? I'm not a six year old so I'm civil to them because we have to work together. Doesn't matter to me, dude. The next boss up thinks I'm great so you can be a moody bitch for as long as you want. I'll even buy you some Midol.

Then this morning while I'm still half asleep I open the freezer to get some ice and stuff falls out with a clatter. Way too much noise for that ridiculously early hour. I bend down to pick the stuff up and the freezer door closes half way. Right above my head.

BOOM!

Dude. I hit it so hard I think I shook the whole house. The weird part is that when you open the freezer door to a certain point, it always stays open. Always. And even if it doesn't, when it swings closed it always closes all the way. ALWAYS.

The only thing I can think is that my guardian angel, who I figured out years ago is brain damaged, saw it starting to close and decided to hold it open for me. I hit that thing so hard I think I'm still a little dizzy.

Finally this afternoon the big boss comes by my desk and says to follow him. We walk up to where his office and the offices of the people that work directly for him are and he tells me to collect my shit and move it to that empty desk there. My job has changed. From all I can tell it will now be a much better fit for me and, bonus, no more moody bitches to deal with and you can trust that I told him all about how my old boss, his subordinate, has been acting. That's right, I saw a bus and threw his dumb ass under it. Fuck 'im.

So yeah, OCD attack, moody bitch attack, freezer attack then a yay. Not sure what to make of it...

Bits and bobs

I'm filled with a burning desire for the new Terminator TV series to be awesome. It has Summer Glau in it as a Terminator. If that last sentence didn't make your genitals twitch there may not be any hope for you as a human being. Of course if it turns out to be great then it will probably get canceled because that's the rule, right?

I hate back in parking. Cruising around for a spot and watching some jackass swing way out and then back in and then have to pull back out because he took a bad angle then back up again then pull out one more time because he's a fucking retard then finally get his car/truck/tardmobile into the spot, usually crooked as all hell, makes me want to kill. There's a nitwit at my work that does that. If he gets there before I do he always, ALWAYS manages to take up the first two spots because of his idiotic need to back in even though he's clearly too fucking stupid to do it right. JUST FUCKING PULL IN YOU ASSTASTIC FUCKSMUDGE!!

So I got the results of my CT scan. Turns out I have scar tissue in my sinuses and that plus my deviated septum from multiple nose breaks is what makes it so hard for me to breathe. What does it tell you about my luck that this turns out to be good news for me? I have a referral for a specialist surgeon guy. Ain't life grand?

I'm in the early stages of putting together a few best of '07 lists like I did for '06. I'm still not gonna put your favorite stuff on them. Arrogant prick FTW!

I'm considering a bid for the White House. A vote for me is a vote for hot girl on girl action in every home and mandatory rabies vaccinations. Don't ask. Taco knows what I'm on about.

Spaced is still not out on DVD in this country. What the fuck, man?

Do you ever go outside and look up at the stars and think about all the worlds filled with life out there and how staggering the amount of aliens that are masturbating at that exact moment must be? Enlightenment waits at the end of that path.

There's a new guy at work. This is how I greet him:

Me (shouting): "Bobby!"

Bobby (shouting back): "What?"

Me (extra loud): "FUCK YOU THEN, PUNK!"

Me and Bobby: *laugh*

Other people: "...the fuck?"

Or when Bobby is engaged in conversation with someone else I will walk by, interrupt and say to whoever he's talking to, "Next time you see Bobby, tell him I said 'fuck him'." Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.

I want a pickle. And some cheese.

Thank you Springfield and good night!

Five Things, Next on Cinemax Late Night

So I'm talking to Blue about Kev's junk and that got me thinking about, well, Kev's junk, but after that I started thinking about other junk related activities which has led us here. With assurances that all of these are things I genuinely want to do, I give you:

Five unfulfilled sexual fantasies

1. I want to have sex with a nun. A lot. Most of you already know this by now I think but some of you might think it's a joke. It's not. When I see a nun my heart beats faster, my hands itch, my breathing gets rapid and shallow, my mouth starts to water and I ache to get involved in a situation with her that ends with me saying, "No, leave the habit on."

Mother Theresa looked like an old peanut but I would've hit that like Samson swingin' a jawbone. I want to make a woman cheat. On God. With me.

2. Just once I'd really love to reach climax and, instead of OH GOD! or YES! or OH GOD YES! or some variation of yeses and calling out to higher powers or some complimentary thing about the other person, yell out as loud as I can, "GET OUT!!!!" then go straight to the bathroom, come back out and say, "Why are you still here? I asked you to leave."

No matter what happens after that it will be comedy gold.

3. I want to have sex with someone outrageously good looking. Now, I've been with pretty girls and once or twice even someone I would go so far as to call beautiful but I mean something beyond that. Crazy good looking. Monica Bellucci level, oh shit what do I do now, I'm actually frightened of this woman she is so fucking gorgeous, good looking.

I'm not sure exactly what the appeal of it is besides the obvious but I know there's a deeper thing going on there. I assume I'll figure it out when it happens.

4. I'd really love to split myself into 2 people and have sex with myself. I know what I like and what I don't. I know where all the good stuff is. I know how much pain is just the right amount of pain. Plus I'm pretty sure I could put me through a wall without any permanent damage and that's not something that you can do with just anyone.

Think about it. It's pretty hot.

5. I'd like to get involved in dirty talk that devolves into trash talk. Lots of people like the dirty talk and that's fine and dandy. Some people like it mild with just the barest hint of dirt and some like it so filthy that it makes the devil weep.

What I want is for it to go a little to the left and come out in a place of awesomeness. A place where, "Do you like that (insert dirty name)?" turns into, "Is that all you got!? You got nothin'!!" Where a demand for harder or faster turns into, "BRING IT, BITCH!!"

Ah what a wonderful place that would be.

Unite under our banner!

It occurred to me a few days ago that Taco, Noq and myself were all born within 9 days of each other. Not only are we all Scorpio, which all right thinking people know is one of only two zodiac signs (Scorpio and Other), but we are all grouped very close together. I declare it a sign from the gods. When we sit on our thrones in blessed Zebulon that stretch of days will be an empire wide holiday full of feasting and merrymaking and nudity and drunkenness and peyote trips and dancing and bonfires and much much laughter.

One of your kings has spoken. As it is written, so shall it be. Zebulon without end. Pass the Yuengling. So be it.

Like it wasn't bad enough already

So the TV writers are on strike again. Great. Looking through the disagreement I think both sides have a legit gripe but come on people, not this again. Some shows I like had to go immediately into reruns (Letterman, The Daily Show) and most shows have a few in the can and a few scripts to work with and then they too will start the reruns. They're already talking about scrapping the entire season of Lost, which I like quite a lot, until 2009 and 24 is likely to follow owing to its premise.

You know what it means if this drags on right? Reality shows. Lots of them. The networks are going to try to keep viewers and the only way to make new shows will be to make new shitty reality shows. I already hate all the old shitty reality shows and am on record numerous times about it. I fucking hate them. Now there are going to be a shit load more and y'know what? The lowest common denominator is going to eat it up and beg for more. In case you didn't know, the lowest common denominator is a LOT of people. It's not like most of these people will shrug and turn off the TV and pick up a book. No, no, they'll tune into whatever nitwittery the networks air just to have the TV on. Barn Raising With the Stars! Extreme Celebrity Fishing! I shouldn't do that lest I give them ideas.

This means that even when the strike ends there will be even less room on the schedule for scripted show than there is now. While you would think that less room would mean more competition which would lead to the cream rising to the top, you'd be wrong. It makes sense to think it but it won't happen. Isn't TV in general dumb enough without this? Do we really need to go out of our way to make it worse?

Look TV people, I realize you're just trying to look out for yourselves whichever side you're on but seriously, you're contributing to the further dumbing down of the country and we can't afford to get much dumber. Make a short term deal and get back to work and hammer something else out as you go. My brain begs you.

You can't put me in one of your neat little boxes!

Mostly because I'm somewhat tall and broad. Although if you had a much larger box and it was clearly labeled as mine and it had my books in then maybe we could talk. Oh! And a big TV for me to watch movies and a comfy couch and a big bed and some beer and an internet connection and in the delivery range of a suitable amount of food joints. But other than that you will find me very much not in your various and sundry boxes, good sir!

It's a random kind of day so, yeah.

Does anyone else get meditative (Yes I meditate. It can sometimes quiet the demons.) when they think about things that aren't even close to being vaguely associated with meditation as a rule? Am I the only one that looks for enlightenment in a quark? Seeks God in coherent superposition? Gets a far away and dreamy look when thinking about experiments that accelerate light far beyond the norm? Pointless? Probably. Stupid? Not for me to say.

Seriously I think I'm onto something with that God thing. Y'know, Yog Sothoth is just a gigantic string of quarks though really when you're in the swirling center of chaos size probably loses some of its meaning. And by some I mean all.

I made a Venger joke recently and no one got it. None of you understood that sentence either. King of obscure references? Not likely but I am at least a member of the royal family.

What if you were allergic to your own nose hair?

Sometimes I am happy that there is a version of me that made all the right choices and has a great life. Other times I hate him. It's not an option to think that that person doesn't exist.

I support String Theory for the exceedingly scientific reason that I want it to be true.

Puppies are cuter than kittens.

Sweet monkey Jesus I'm tired. Later bitches.

Henceforth we will summer in Zebulon

This weekend was finally time for TacoCon. Has the world ever before known such a level of awesome? No. No it has not.

On the way down I got a speeding ticket which a lesser man would have taken as a bad omen. I knew better. As I approached the land of Yay I saw an actual omen and it was good. A sign announced that I was drawing ever closer to Zebulon.

Zebulon.

As I got closer to it I was filled with more and more cheer until I finally crossed into it and erupted with a call of, "ZEBULON! WOOOOOOOT!!

Ah sweet Zebulon.

Finally I arrive at the House of Taco and skip through an imaginary field of posies up to the door. I have traveled far. Grant me access! Taco and fett have started merry making without me but I'm here now! Let us begin in earnest. I am also greeted at the door by Taco's daughter who instantly launches into a song and dance routine that is easily one the greatest things I have ever laid eyes on. These kids are destined to take our places at the top of Awesome Mountain. We set about our busy schedule of hanging out, drinking, talking, telling stories and being gods among men. We are successful on all counts.

So day 2 starts with lunch and then it's off to the fair. That's right, we're going to see some goats. Why goats, you ask? Why the hell not? More talking and general awesomnosity on the trip over and then we arrive and the levels of Pure Yay go off the charts. I know we're in for it when as soon as we're through the gates an announcement comes on inviting us to try some famous biscuits and "Get some south in your mouth!" The three of us stopped in our tracks as one person and turned to look at each other. No one else around us reacted to it at all. Nothing. These people live in the middle of comedy gold and have no appreciation of it. Many things will change once we establish our empire in Zebulon.

Have you ever seen three grown men wander around several buildings worth of goat pens laughing harder and harder as they go until finally they're leaning against walls in order to stay upright? Let me tell you, no one has EVER appreciated goats on as many levels as we did. The goats, the lolspeak, the jokes...sweet baby Jesus I damn near ruptured something. On the car ride back to the house I said maybe 10 words and the entire rest of the time I was laughing. I haven't laughed that hard or that long since...I don't remember ever doing it before actually. By the time we got to the house my ribs and face hurt like I had taken a beating. I loved it.

Still wiping away the tears of painful laughter we go in and Larry's here! Yay! We get all wound up again and before we have a chance to wind down, Yay! Blue's here! Much fun is had recounting the goat adventures and then more talking and story telling and being better than other people. It's quite something how much better than other people we are. Even more than I originally thought. Who knew such a thing was possible?

Side note, Blue's husband is my hero. In one sentence, just one, he expertly and thoroughly mocked the entire room with perfect timing and delivery. I've never seen anything like it before and he is our new lord and master. A statue will be erected at once and offerings will follow shortly thereafter. Seriously, the skill with which he cut us down was godlike. We, of course, laughed at it and ourselves like a pack of loons. To sum up, Kev = omgyespleasemore.

Day three involved a sammich that tasted like sweet sweet love, a retro store with a million things in it I want, Mario Bros. guitar solo and the biggest used book store I've ever seen. Clearly I had fallen into some kind of paradise from which I never wanted to be parted.

Alas it could not last. I had to return to my home state and restore the balance of awesome. We're already making plans for next year (with possible smaller events between) and I still want some shirts made, damn it!

And now I leave you with a short list of out of context quotes from the weekend:

You're doing it wrong!
Hang on, I think invisible goat is invisible.
Good people of Lizard Lick, we come in peace!
Was he a Bears fan?
Look at my aliens.
It's a METAPHOR!
You're so dreamy!
I brought a tarp and some oil.

This isn't anywhere near Crystal Lake is it?

So after years of trying my sister and her husband finally talked me into going camping with them. In the past I've been meh about it because I don't care for most of their friends and at least one or two of these people tend to go as well. This time it was my sister's birthday and she laid on the pleases pretty thick (plus my drinkin' buddy was going and I was given to understand that I could drink as much as I wanted AND have control of the fire all weekend) so I figured why not. I packed a bag, a shitload of beer and off I went.

I went up on Friday morning with my brother in law so set up camp and my sister and drinking buddy came later in the evening. It didn't take long before I was completely lost as I have no sense of direction and am easily turned around. On the way up I went over what to do in case of machete killer attack in great detail as I feel this is very important information to have in the woods and I really wanted to feel like I was contributing, y'know? It turned out to be important because I totally spotted the lair of the aforementioned machete killer on the way to our site. Yay me.

Anyway some of us got fairly hammered the first night and it turned out that I should have gotten very hammered first thing Saturday. Have you ever been in a campground shower? Yeesh. It's much like a prison shower except with water pressure so high that I got what would normally be a $500 exfoliation treatment for free. I'm not sure if that's a win or lose. That night after many, many more beers and much playing with fire and good eating and general merriment me and my drinking buddy went for a trek through the woods. At night. Exceedingly dark night. Right past the lair of the machete killer!! What the hell man!? Rookie mistake! No excuses! Luckily he was out gutting someone else but if he'd been there I would have deserved his swift and brutal attention.

All in all it was fun though I literally did not sleep at all for the entire weekend. Just couldn't do it. I drank enough to stun a water buffalo and kept a fire burning for an entire weekend though and that is something indeed. I am...a camper.

Five Things: The Musical

Since no one else liked my musings about lube (even though I stand by the FACT that that shit was funny) I will now punish you all with a new list. A recent post on Tim's blog got me thinking about music and how much I love it and that thought went hither and yon until it settled on side projects and supergroups and how lots of them suck but some are shamefully under appreciated. Without further ado I give you:

Five musical side projects/supergroups that I love.

1. Down

Down is a band made up from members of Pantera, Corrosion of Conformity and Crowbar. I first heard about them when a friend of mine bought their first album, NOLA, and put it on. I got a confused look on my face and said, "When did Pantera put out a new album and why does it sound so different yet awesome?" He laughed at my ignorance and explained and I made all due haste to purchase it. Quite a lot of haste was due.

The main draw for me was Phil Anselmo from Pantera on vocals and Pepper Keenan from C.O.C. on guitar. This band is way more than the sum of its parts. They've released three albums so far with all being somewhat different yet all be at least above average with my favorite still being NOLA, their first.

2. A Perfect Circle

Now, you all know that I love Tool more than is absolutely healthy and when I heard that MJK was doing a side project with Billy Howerdel I about fell out of my chair. I had high hopes but in the back of my mind I was concerned because how often is this kind of thing really good? Needless concern.

Mer de Noms was released and holy shit. It was light years ahead of a shitload of other people's main bands. Are you sure this is a side project? That album was shit hot and only got better as I listened to it more. Totally different vibe than Tool yet it still has more than a touch of MAYNARD (Judith for prime example) and it remains one of my favorite albums. Obviously Howerdel was deeply involved in the project and is quite talented but the main draw for me was always Maynard. Something about that voice cuts right into my brain.

APC released two studio albums and one album of covers full of songs about peace and war. All are good but Mer de Noms is a classic as far as I'm concerned.

3. Mad Season

This is a group that was formed in the 90's from members of Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam and Screaming Trees. There used to be a really good alternative station here at that time and they started playing a song called River of Deceit and I thought wait a minute, that's Layne Staley. Damn right it was. There is NO mistaking that absolutely amazing voice for anyone else's. I am a massive AiC fan and I think Staley is one of the most under appreciated musical talents of all time. Kurt Cobain gets the hype that Staley actually deserves. He was the main attraction for me and is more than worth the price of admission.

Mad Season released only one album called Above. It's probably better than the last thing you listened to.

4. Infectious Grooves

This band was originally formed with members of Suicidal Tendencies, Excel and Jane's Addiction. It was 1991 and a friend of mine runs in with a tape and slams it in and hits play. "Listen to this shit," said he.
"Is that Mike Muir?" I asked.
"Fuckin' right it is. Just wait, it gets better."

Mike Muir is the front man for Suicidal Tendencies which is, I hope at least some of you know, one of the best bands ever. Whichever "version" of SI people prefer (I like them through all the punk/crossover/thrash/metal/whatever-style-they-cared-to-do-for-whatever -album-it's-all-good) most people can find something to love. Anyway, Muir formed this band and it was pure funk metal. Think back to when the Red Hot Chili Peppers were actually good (you do realize they stopped being good in the very early 90's right?) and add even more funk with a harder edge and sometimes lots of humor. That's Infectious Grooves.

The main draw was Muir of course and they have released four albums so far. My favorite is probably Sarsippius' Ark.

5. Mike Patton

Before you can nay say this one let me remind you that virtually everything Patton has done has been on the side of something else so I think it counts. This guy is flat out fucking brilliant. He's been involved in more projects than even he can remember and he continues to churn out quality music that is almost impossible to categorize without using a ridiculous amount of labels.

I first heard him when he took over the singing duties for Faith No More for their album The Real Thing. I was instantly hooked. This album is pure genius. If you don't like it then I'm sorry but that's a deal breaker and we can't be friends anymore. Seriously. After that came his second album with them, Angel Dust. More experimental but no less grabtacular and is perhaps the single most under appreciated album ever.

He has also released music as part of or driving force behind Mr. Bungle, Tomahawk, Fantomas, Lovage and Peeping Tom among many many many others. Seriously he's insanely prolific. The only thing he's done that I didn't care for was when he got into that whole Japanese noise thing. I don't care for it in and of itself and even the best of it would still be something I didn't like so it wasn't his fault.

My favorite of his stuff is easily the two FNM albums I already mentioned plus his latest project which was Peeping Tom.

Once again you all have homework assignments assuming you don't already know and love all of these things. If you do already know and love all of these things then prepare yourself for sex because it's about to get rough in here.

Somehow we got through the whole thing without mentioning Christy

I sometimes wonder about how my own mind works. It's sort of a hobby. I like to compare it to the way that other (lesser) minds work so as to try and locate the source of my own superiority at which point I will be able to grind it on the wheel until it has an edge so sharp that it will cut through my skull and flee to its proper home among the stars.

Wait, what was I talking about? How my mind works. Right.

So I'm on the phone with the Evil That Skips last night (it's one of the nicer things she's been called. I won't get into what they tend to call me...) and what she said was "...topical application of lubricant." What I heard was "...tactical application of lubricant." Now before you can ask me why we were talking about lubricant in the first place I will preemptively tell you that I don't know. We're never really more than a short hop away from lube talk at any point regardless of what we're talking about anyway so it's not important.

The point is that someone else would have said huh or what or say that again or simply glossed over it assuming she had slipped up but not me. No sir. I started thinking about it. Tactics. Tactical applications of lube. Lube Team Omega, you are go for lube. Repeat: go for lube. Can there then be a strategic application of lube? Long term lube goals? Is that something we should maybe think about folding into our current lubrication operations, lubeops, or should we form a new team that would specialize in that? So many choices. It's all a bit much really. Is Iran already developing this? Do they even now have training camps for suicide lubers? We have to move on this. Fast.

Things of this nature. Sometimes I love how my mind works. This is why I don't sleep anymore. The hallucinations are nice though. The fact that I could share some of this with her and she didn't do that thing the normals do and freak out and act all weird about it speaks volumes. They are of course forbidden Lovecraftian volumes but that's fine by us.

Right, left, right, left. Seems simple enough.

There are some things that you'd think a full grown adult would be good enough at to do well all the time. Things like walking. This is not the case. I'm an experienced walker. Been doing it for decades. I've done it at home and school and work. I've done it for fun and under duress. I've done a lot of walking. A lot.

I still need practice apparently.

Today I was walking and there was a small and not at all steep ramp type thing and uh oh, twist, what the hell, thud. Down I went. Not a trip and then a few stumble steps. No no. I mean I went down. Full body splat on the ground. Now a different person might have gotten right up and gone on their way or more likely jumped up and looked around with that nervous thing people do when they feeling that weird shame thing I hear so much about.

Not me. I stayed down there. I gently put my head on the ground and decided to stay horizontal for a minute. It was quite nice really. Eventually I had to get up and then I realized that I had hurt one of my ankles. Again. I've had so many injuries to both my ankles that they are brittle now and prone to easy injury. So now I'll be hobbling around all limpy for a few days but I'll always have those precious moments of relaxation on the ground.

Good times.

Game's the same, just got more fierce.

The bigger the awards show, the less relevance it has. Some of you may remember my post about the last Academy Awards and this is worse. Much worse. This is, all by itself, proof that shit just doesn't make any sense in the world of entertainment. I don't watch the Emmy awards but if you do then I kindly ask that you boycott this year.

The Wire was nominated for zero Emmy awards.

Allow me to put that in some kind of context for you. The Wire has, since it began, been one of the most praised and critically hailed shows ever. Ever. I have never heard or seen a bad review of it. I have never heard or seen a merely good review of it. I have ONLY EVER seen over the top great reviews of it. It is regarded, across the board, as one of the best shows to ever be on television and it is held to be the best show on television now by virtually every critic I have read. They make it a point to mention it in their reviews, sometimes multiple times just to make sure you saw it.

This season of The Wire that finished and would be up for consideration, its fourth, was held by all and sundry to be the best season of the show. Think about that. The best season of the best show on TV and one of the best (I've heard some go so far as to say THE best) shows to ever be on TV which makes it one of if not the best season of television to ever be broadcast in this country got nominated for no awards for excellence in television.

What. The. Fuck.

Obviously I love the show and agree with every critic (a rarity to be sure) that there is no better show currently going and that it is very high on the list of best ever. It is that fucking good. Whatever the show you love is that you stop what you're doing to watch, this show is better. No nominations. Not one.

The level of ignorance and stupidity that it takes for this kind of thing to happen makes my head hurt. Support those things that are awesome, people. Somebody damn well has to.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water

Here comes more QUIZAM!

1) I've just given you a cocktail that will stop your heart after 48 hours and there is no cure. How will you spend these 48 hours?

There are people in this world that I swore I would outlive and I damn well meant it. With the rest of the time I would have one last convo with my mother and two sisters, leave a post on here to explain that I'm never coming back, take a six pack, drive as fast as I could to a nice shade tree by a river and just relax and wait for it.

2) What is your idea of a perfect world?

A world without any bigotry at all of any kind combined with a world without organized religion. Yes I know it looks like I just said something bigoted after I said I wanted no bigotry but I disagree and I have spoken. My word is law. Oh, there should be more white chocolate in the new perfect world too because I can never find any and I really love it.

3) I give you 10 Million dollars but with these terms: You must move out of the country and you must leave alone and tell no one where you are going. Do you take it?

Yes. Me being me I see countless loopholes in these conditions. I will move out of the country but maintain a secondary residence in country while telling no one about my primary home. Them I will share the loot with my family as is right and proper but just never invite them over to my real house which would be in northern Europe probably.

4) If you could live as a character from any movie, which would it be?

I'm trying to think of a movie where someone gets to have sex with Monica Bellucci because that would be it. Other than that, Mal from Serenity, Harry Tuttle from Brazil, Ed Bloom from Big Fish or the lead character from a high end, big budget lesbian porn.

5) What is one thing most people don't know about you?

The size of my penis.

*taptaptap* Is this thing on?

Taco gave everyone questions to answer and since I can deny him nothing, here we go:

1. What is your favorite book of all time?

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. It is, without exception, the greatest novel ever written. You are free to think otherwise but you will of course be wrong. I have spoken. My word is law.

2. Now that you've given a totally bullshit answer in order to impress people on the intarwebs whom you've never met, stop being a poser and tell us what your real favorite book of all time is.

You're not going to get me with my own question. Good try though.

3. What famous person, past or present, would you ravage sexually given the opportunity? Addendum: this person must be counter to your own sexual orientation. If you are heterosexual, they must be of your sex. If you are homosexual, they must be of the opposite sex. If you are bisexual, they must be an animal or a plant.

I can't let Taco outdo me by answering all of these and then I only answer one. What kind of halfassedness would that be?

Male: If I have to choose one and only one? Johnny Depp probably. He's not just pretty, he's also very talented. But mostly it would be because he's pretty.

Female: Cleopatra. I have a longstanding crush on her. By all accounts she was insanely intelligent and apparently had a voice that was beautiful even when she was just speaking in normal conversation.

Animal and plant: When you think about it, they say "Fuck like a couple of bunnies" for a reason, right? Also, there's this ficus that's been giving me the ol' stink eye recently so, y'know.

4. What's the most bizarre sexual act you've ever committed? If you puss out and post something that's not interesting, we get to make fun of you. Make something up if you have to. Use lots of adjectives.

*edited because, well, because I said so*

5. Can you get the image of your grandparents fucking out of your head?

Both of my grandfathers died when I was still a baby so I couldn't get the image in my head even if I wanted to. In your face Flanders!

And a Zombie will save them

At least I hope so. While I wait for people to answer my questions I figure I'll take a minute to talk about a thing or two.

As those that know me will know, I love movies. Movies are second only to books for me as far as entertainment goes. I see a lot of movies and I do mean a lot. It will also surprise no one (as I will often rant about my feelings concerning genre snobs and their ilk) that I also love horror cinema. I don't say that with a disclaimer attached. I love horror cinema. Not all of it of course because just like everything else, most of it is bad and just like everything else it goes in cycles and follows trends. These cycles and trends are often not my cup of Mexican beer.

The high points make me all manner of happy (the "Golden Age" of the 30's, the rise of Hammer Studios, the ridiculously intelligent things like Psycho and The Haunting from the 60's, the very very beginning of the slasher craze) while the low makes me sad for the genre (the slide into total camp of the forties which while entertaining in itself was shameful considering, the middle and end of the slasher craze, the remake boom, the Japanese remake boom, and everything from the current "torture porn" thing with the sole exception of the first Saw). I could write pages and pages about this but no one would care so I won't.

Anyway, I'm hoping that with the obvious death of the torture porn thing (I don't know who made that name up but that's what all the reviewers call it so, whatever) the next wave will be started next Friday, continued the Friday after that and picked up on for a while.

Rob Zombie please save me from bad horror films.

His remake of Halloween opens this weekend. Normally I would be screaming for his head on a platter but he's Rob Zombie. I've read lots of interviews and he has a real respect for and deep knowledge of horror cinema. He actually called John Carpenter before signing on for this and Carpenter told him to make it his own. My hope is that he will fire on all cylinders and blow me away.

The week after, a movie called Hatchet opens up. It calls itself old school American horror. Please don't let me down. If both of these movies take off it could mean a rebirth of good horror movies after a pretty vicious dry spell. Even if you don't care (very likely) keep your fingers crossed for my sake. The hard part about liking all genres is that you have more things to suffer through when the cycles and trends go south.

Let us pray that Brother Zombie will deliver us to evil. Amen.

Oh and in other geek news, Matt Wagner has a new Grendel series starting in November. Just typing it makes me sexually aroused. Also I have a sentence for you:

Warren Ellis has a new series out called Doktor Sleepless: Future Science Jesus.

If that sentence doesn't do it for you then you may already be dead.

I am Leechor, Evil Master of Power Suction

1. Leave me a casual comment of no particular significance, like a lyric to your current favorite song, or your favorite kind of sandwich, maybe your favorite game. Any remark, meaningless or not.

2. I will respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.

3. Update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. Include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in your own post.

5. When others respond with a desultory comment, you will ask them five questions.

Questions by Damo/CS/I don't update my blog or sign into ICQ anything like often enough.

1. What's your full name, and is there a story behind any of the names you were given?

Brace yourself for mediocrity:

Earl Stephen Collins. My first name came from my father. He hated it and didn't want me named after him but my mother was adamant (re: wouldn't shut up about it) so he agreed to name me that on the condition that they then pick a middle name for me (he had none) which would be what everyone called me with no exceptions. He did not tolerate people calling me by my first name. When translated, my name means something like Crowned warrior prince. I dig it. Except for the part where the name that everyone calls me is from a guy that was killed for his beliefs. Perhaps not the best way to pick a name for a child.

2. What are your favourite homemade and take-away foods, and how long have you loved each?

Homemade is far and away Mom's chicken and dumplings. I would kill a man that got between me and the kitchen when she makes it. Take-away I'm going to have to say steamed Maryland blue crabs (it counts as take-away says I). If you get them from the right place then you will know what love tastes like. Ask anyone that's tried them.

I have loved each since the first time I tasted them. Just like your sister. I'm kidding! Jeez, you touchy bitches..

3. Desert island jukebox: You're sent on a retreat to a body of sand in the middle of nowhere with two palm trees and a hammock; what CDs did you pack (your wallet holds... let's say... ten)?

I object to this question on the grounds that is is cruel and unusual!

*shakes fist*

I'm going to assume that I'm not going to be stranded there forever but only for an extended period but still, ridiculously hard question. Do I pack music to fit the locale or do I just take my favorites? Do I try to offset the locale in some way? AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

OK, in no particular order and I'm not going to explain why, here goes:

1. The soundtrack from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
2. Led Zeppelin - How The West Was Won, Disc 1
3. Nude on the Moon - The B-52's Anthology, Disc 2
4. Faith No More - Either The Real Thing or Angel Dust. I'll flip a coin when it's time to go and choose then.
5. Johnny Cash - At Folsom Prison
6. Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
7. Alice in Chains - Dirt
8. Pantera - Vulgar Display of Power
9. Thelonius Monk with John Coltrane at Carnegie Hall
10. Depending on my mood, a really great Elvis or Beatles collection/best of/whatever.

4. What's your biggest achievement / proudest moment? Why? (if you can't come up with one, the question is "Why do you suck?")

I'm going to blow smoke up my own ass now and say that my biggest achievement is either reading my first novel at age three or first testing on a college level in sixth grade. I really am as smart as I say I am. Suck it.

5. Why oh why did you quit smoking?

You see even though I am ridiculously smart I am also capable of insane depths of stupidity. Case in point. I realized that smoking made me more relaxed and that I genuinely enjoyed it so of course I had to stop doing it and then go through the hell of withdraw followed by 2 and a half years (and counting) of almost never ending cravings. It's a wonderful display of exactly how much I hate myself really and thanks ever so much for reminding me.

Bitch.

Yep

I had this whole insane rant typed up and ready to go when it hit me that I shouldn't and won't subject my friends who come here to my barely contained mental illness. I really just want to let the few that care know that it's bad today and looks to get worse before it gets better.

If you pray, then pray for me. If you don't then think happy thoughts or ask your overlords on the mothership to beam me down some peace. Anything you can spare.

Thanks.

My drink and the getting on of same

These days I'm mostly a social drinker. Saturday nights when I play poker I'll one or two beers to loosen up, three if it's been a really awful week. Some weeks require more than this. A lot more. After swapping calls and texts with a few people during the week we decided that this last week was one of those. A true shit week that seemed to have it in for us all. Clearly it was a sign. We needed to blow off some steam. To grab that pressure release valve and haul that sumbitch around hard and fast.

We quickly devised a clever and intricate plan which I will now share with you.

The Plan

1. Go out.
2. Drink.
3. Drink quite a lot more.
4. Give it a good hard think.
5. Decide on having more drinks.
6. WOOHOO!

It's a work of genius isn't it? You'd think that it's too elaborate for us to pull off and let me tell you we had our doubts. We thought it might be too big, too grand an adventure. I'll admit it, we were scared. But did that stop us? No! We bravely set out to make The Plan a reality.

My friends I am pleased to announce that we were successful beyond our wildest hopes.

I haven't been that hammered for long and long and, Maker bless me, there wasn't the slightest hint of nausea which is weird because we were packing away a wide variety of food. Highlights included the crab dip, jerk chicken, a variety of chicken wings and what's a party without some deep fried cheese? The Old Man was looking after me for sure and many thanks you wily and magnificent bastard. I haven't laugh that much or that hard for a very long time and I really needed it.

Note: when you're completely faced, never play pool against the designated driver. He'll cheat. Somehow when I was trying to break he made me miss the cue four times in a row. Sneaky git.

Anyway, I wouldn't normally bore you lot with a drunk story but I don't have many good nights (or days for that matter) and when I do I like to share. Also, I heartily recommend that everyone get a friend that you can collapse into a drunken heap with, arms and legs twined together like a string of Christmas lights that have been sitting in a box all year, and go to sleep with without any of the bullshit sexual tension that normally keeps people from that kind of thing.

Bonus: zero hangover.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should

I've been thinking recently about how much faster I used to read compared with how fast I read now. I've been telling myself that I do it on purpose so that I can better appreciate the words and what they mean and what they might mean and this or that string of words is something to be savored slowly. Better, thought I, to walk through the lovely garden to better see and examine all the flowers individually than to run through so I could see the next garden because it too is lovely and perhaps the one after that is more lovely still. This is what I've been telling myself.

This morning I started wondering if it was actually true.

Did you know that if you tell yourself something over and over again eventually you can convince yourself that it's true and you will believe it even if it isn't? I read a study a couple of years back that found that every person in the world has memories of things that never happened owing to this type of thing. All of us. So I wondered about this in relation to my reading (thinking about it in relation to every memory I have will do nothing but drive me further down the road to crazy town) and decided to put it to the test.

I snatched a book off the top of a stack this morning and dove in with the intent to read it fast. Fast fast. Like old times fast with the pedal to the floor like the devil was on my tail.

Oy.

A couple of hours later I was done and realized I hadn't enjoyed it much. Not nearly as much as was warranted. I felt kind of bleh and my eyes hurt. It's late at night now and they STILL hurt. Bad idea all the way around. What the hell was I thinking? It seems so idiotic now. I can't ever read the book again for the first time and my eyes hurt all the live long day. Nitwit.

Anyway, I told you that to tell you this:

Walk, don't run.

Stop and look around sometimes.

Sit down and think on it for a good long while.

There's no need to race especially if you're the only one on the road.

Enjoy your journeys even when it means you're going to have fewer of them.

Good night.

Five Things IV: The Revenge

It occurs to me that I like things. A lot of things. Sometimes when I'm filled with the desire to punish myself I'll try to talk to people about some of the things I like. Turns out that even when people like things that are awesome (everything I like is automatically awesome based on the fact that I like it) they are still morons. Is it enough that they like awesome things? No, no it is not. I give you:

Five things I like that I hate the other fans of

1. Tool. We've talked about Tool before and you know that of all the bands actively making music today they are my favorite. Their other fans are mostly annoying idiots. To say nothing of the usual shit you have to hear after the release of each new album, IE, that they've started to suck (this is not, of course, unique to Tool as it happens to every band ever) which is annoying but not as annoying as those that continue being fans.

They completely miss the point which is impressive because there tend to be several points and they tend to be pretty fucking big. I don't even know that much about musical theory but I know that Tool does and that they push boundaries on virtually every song. Each member is highly skilled, particularly the drummer who is on a whole other level and the singer wields his voice like an instrument. A lot of singers claim to do this but very few actually do. Their disregard for conventional songwriting and the ridiculous amount of layers to the songs and hot damn is this shit amazing.

Then you hear someone talk about them and it's idiotic nitwittery at its finest. No appreciation for any of the subtle work involved, no understanding of the lyrics. Nothing. At the other end of the spectrum are the freaks that will tell you that they astral project and meet Adam Jones in the astral plane where they make sweet monkey love for days at a time.

I'm sorry, what? OK you twits, do less drugs. Ugh, I fucking hate them all.

2. Neil Gaiman. I've been a Gaiman fan since way back when he took over Miracleman from Alan Moore (this series is easily one of the best ever, bar none) and I've been hooked ever since. Black Orchid, Sandman, Books of Magic, the short stories and the novels and oh my is this guy the best story teller of this generation? He just might be.

I've run into other fans from time to time but when he came to a local convention and did some panels and signings I got to see lots of his fans right up close. It's not pretty. They tend to be one of two types, either a drooling Sandman fan or a drooling American Gods fan. Emphasis on the drool. The Sandman fan can also be a Death fan complete with an outfit to match and bad hair dye and eye makeup and both types will go on and on about their chosen obsession and after listening to them for several minutes you realize they haven't actually said anything.

It's like they try to make the rest of us look bad.

There he was sitting on the stage and being charmingly British and they asked a bunch of insipid questions and the rest of the crowd was hanging onto each word because it was the same question they were going to ask. Refer back to people missing the point by a country mile. If you get into a discussion about the influences of different Sandman story lines or his obviously large knowledge of myth and folklore that displays itself in his prose writing you get blank looks from these people. I don't want to hate, they MAKE me hate.

3. Fight Club. Now I enjoyed both the book and the film but unfortunately so did a bunch of other people. Mostly middle class white kids that didn't understand either book or movie and then thought that being fans of one or the other made them transform into tough guys. Sorry suburban white kid, you're still a fucking douche that couldn't win a real fight if the other guy was tied down.

For years I was subjected to hearing these idiots quoting Tyler Durden and puffing out their chests and if you ever actually ask one of them if they realize that the story isn't really about Tyler Durden at all you'll get nothing but blank or confused looks. I wanted to punch every one of them that I came in contact with so bad that thinking about it made my pant covered area tingle.

No offense white folks but most of you are seriously, SERIOUSLY fucking irritating.

4. Literature. When I say literature I mean the kind of books you have to read in school. You know the stuff, gets its own section in most book stores so it doesn't have to rub elbows with regular or, God forbid, genre fiction. The other people that like this tend to fall into one of several categories and all of them are annoying on a level that makes me itch for violence.

There are the people that read it but don't understand it yet act as though they do and are vastly more superior than other people. These are easy to spot because they can't actually have a conversation about literature but they'll still attempt to look down their noses at you after you've discovered that they are brain dead.

Then you have the type that will only read literature and would never dare stoop to reading anything else. These are the bulk of them from what I've seen and if one of them accidentally reads something else and it turns out to be good then they all adopt the writer as one of their own but will still be snooty about the way that they "slum" in the wretched ghetto of genre fiction. Ray Bradbury is one example of this.

The thing about both of these groups is that a lot of them will only read the most famous stuff and disregard the rest. For example they will read Orwell's 1984 and Animal Farm but not The Clergyman's Daughter or his essays or they will read Heller's Catch-22 but none of his other books. This makes zero sense to me and I can never get a good explanation out of any of them. If you say that Writer A is great and that their Book A is great then why wouldn't you actively seek out their other work? How far up your own ass is your head buried? Can you actually taste your own esophagus yet? It doesn't make any damn sense!

5. Oxygen. Everywhere I go I see herds of useless people sucking up all the oxygen. Do they appreciate it on the level that I do? No. But there they go, using it all up and continuing on with their lives.

Fuckers.

Guess who's still a geek

If you said me, you're right. I know that some of you enjoy reading and some of you enjoy it in any form so I thought I'd drop an update on some very good comics that I have either just discovered for myself or have started getting monthly. As usual if you are one of those idiots that looks down your nose at comics and the people that read them then stop reading and kindly fuck off. We don't want any of your ignorant snobbery dripping on our comics.

Y: The Last Man

This is a title that has been around for a while now and I picked up the first collection, loved the hell out of it and decided that they would all be mine. Oh yes, they will. This is an award winning and ridiculously acclaimed story that starts with the deaths of every male mammal on earth except Yorick Brown and his monkey. Vertigo puts this out monthly and is supposed to run for 60 issues. Like many Vertigo titles there are no capes and super powers here but there is a fantastic story that is packed with layers and layers of yum. Highly recommended.

Buffy Season 8

Buffy the Vampire Slayer went off the air several years ago and a part of me died that day. The show was always one of the most intelligently written on TV and I missed it immensely. JossWhedon then announced that he would do season 8 of the show as a comic book series. After the spontaneous orgasm passed I started getting it. It is everything that the show was and more. There are no budget constraints so the only limit is Whedon's imagination (which followers of Buffy, Angel, Firefly, etc will tell you is abundant). His writing is still sharp and it was great dropping in on the characters again. So far 5 issues have come out and originally it was supposed to go for 20 or so but the ideas just kept coming and now has ballooned to 50+ in short order.

Keep them coming Joss. As long as you do it I'll keep buying it.

The Boys

This is the new series from Garth Ennis (Preacher) with art by Darick Robertson (Transmetropolitan). Let that sink in for a minute. You want it now don't you? I knew you would. Anyway the series is about a CIA backed squad in a world where heroes are plentiful (more so than in a "normal" comic universe) and they sometimes need to be watched, kept in line or even killed. Not the villains mind you, the heroes. Ennis has said that this book will "Out-Preacher Preacher" and if that doesn't do it for you, you're dead inside.

It was first published by Wildstorm (owned by DC) but was dropped after 6 issues due to what they thought of as antisuperhero writing. I think they missed the point. It's more a deconstruction of the superhero myth (kind of like Miracleman but not as, y'know, Alan Moore) than anything else. They agreed to let them take the book elsewhere and publication has resumed this month with #7. A collection of the first six issues is out now. Go get it.

Fell

This is the new title by Warren Ellis (HellBlazer, Transmetropolitan, The Authority, Planetary, c'mon, it's Warren fucking Ellis) about detective Richard Fell. He is one of "three and a half" cops working in Snowtown which is like the worst crime city in the world multiplied by 10. It is strange, it is weird, it is surreal and you absolutely should be reading it. It is so much more than I can explain to you here. The first collection with the first 8 issues is out now and the series is monthly.

And now a few mainstream things that I'm into even though I'm not going to get back into the mainstream ever. Follow me, it'll make sense in a minute.

Matt Wagner (Grendel, Mage) has done two limited series in the early stages of Batman's career. He takes a very pulpy kind of attitude but with a very real Matt Wagner angle to it. If you understand that then you'll love these. None of the bad guys you know and love (Batman has always had the very best rogue's gallery) have appeared yet but I think if he does another one that they will start popping in.

Both minis are collected and they are Batman and the Monster Men and Batman and the Mad Monk. Both up to the high standard that anyone would expect from this giant of the field.

DC has also started two series based on their biggest icons but they are series that aren't really inside the normal universe of either of them. For both they have brought together one well known and respected writer and one well known and respected artist and let them loose to do their thing. The results are All Star Batman by Frank Miller (!!!!) and Jim Lee and All Star Superman by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely.

The Batman series is very much a Frank Miller Batman series and is set, it seems to me, very much in his Dark Knight universe and not in standard DC continuity. He's gotten some flak for his portrayal of this or that thing or character but what the hell did you expect when you saw a Batman book with Miller's name on it? Nitwits.

The Superman series won an Eisner award and is so good it'll make your toes curl. New life into the Man of Steel? Believe it.

There you have it, for now. Get you to a comic shop and get some or all of these grabtacular things. Go on, I'll wait.

So I'm a little late to the party

First a little background. I read. A lot. By that I mean that I read far far more than a regular person does. It borders on obsession I'm told. I've read and I own more books than anyone I know (and I know some very literate people), I have multiple library cards and so on and so on and so on. I told you that to tell you this:

I've never read those Harry Potter books.

So I've decided to do that now. I have to know what made what is probably the most illiterate generation in a "civilized" country in a long long time turn off the TV, put down the gamepad, sign out of AIM and pull out the earbuds in order to actually read something. Anything that can do that seemingly miraculous thing is something that I should read because the result is something that I am very much for. Pro-that. Yay that. It's a thing that made an entire generation that looked at books with confusion at best and outright disdain at worst actually read something. I'm still amazed by it.

Normally I don't fall into the hype pit. You couldn't make me read The Da Vinci Code at gunpoint. G'head, shoot me motherfucker I ain't doin' it. I don't watch reality TV. I mostly avoid bestsellers as a rule. When the hype machine gets going I tend to get wary. I see this a little differently and I'll tell you why.

First, it got very good reviews even before it exploded. Sure a lot of the later reviews and probably many of the awards were a result of the insane sales figures but it did get praise before then. This is key.

Second, I've seen several writers who I like give it a thumbs up and that is one of the major ways that I find new writers. If someone whose work I enjoy likes your work then maybe I should be checking it out. It usually doesn't let me down though obviously it isn't ironclad. I did find my favorite writer this way so it's a going to be company policy for the foreseeable future.

Third, it made a lot of "real" writers very weepy and bitchtastic. I clearly remember when the bestseller list was clogged with the name Rowling in the top 4 spots. Number 1 was her 4th, number 2 was her 3rd and so on. This made the "real" writers so angry that they banded together and got them kicked off of the list completely. The top four spots were vacated and everyone moved up four places. Rowling's 5th and 6th book didn't appear on the list either even though they were the top sellers for long and long and her forthcoming book will not appear on it either.

This is such dizzying bullshit that it makes me nauseous.

The thing it most reminds me of is when Neil Gaiman won the World Fantasy Award for best short story. He won it for one issue of a comic book series that he wrote. The "real" writers nearly had strokes when they were beaten by a lowly and unworthy comic book writer. They banded together and got the rules changed so that a comic book would never win again.

Y'know guys, if you were better writers you might win more awards and sell more books. Maybe if you spent as much time and energy and displayed the same amount of passion in your work as you do trying to piss on the work of others you would actually be as good as you clearly think you are. Fuck you all. Each and every one of you.

Lastly, refer back to the part where it got millions of slack jawed, mouth breathing, barely literate imbeciles to pick up a book, finish it and then clamor for more.

So yeah, I'm going to be doing that.

Excuse me while I engage in a small bit of idol worship

Normally I don't bother to mention much day to day stuff unless it's funny or I need to rant and normally I wouldn't make a post for a concert because they're just, y'know, things that people do, but this is a special occasion. For me anyway.

Tool played my city last Friday and holy shit were they amazing.

Again, under normal circumstances I wouldn't mention it but for my money Tool is the best band going now. Not the best ever of course but they are my favorite band that is still making new music. I think every member is gifted and most of them are far beyond anything else going today. If they played here every week then every week I'd make one of these gushing like a fanboy. I just can't help it and I don't really want to.

Anyway, some band from Tokyo called Melt Banana opened the show and they were loud and they were fast. I don't know if I'll be buying anything of theirs but I enjoyed their set.

Tool came on and melted my face and I love it and begged for more more MORE. The set list was:

Jambi
Stinkfist
Forty Six & 2
Schism
Rosetta Stoned
Flood
Wings for Marie Pt. 1
10000 Days (Wings Pt. 2)
Lateralus
Vicarious

How many bands can get away with playing only ten songs at a concert and still leave the crowd satisfied? And believe me I was satisfied. Half the set is new stuff but I love the new album so I was well pleased. The only times that the crowd was spoken to was to give us a Hello Baltimore right after the first song and then we were asked to give a moment of silence and when we got really quiet he said "For Paris Hilton. This next song is for her." at which point Stinkfist started and then right before Vicarious we were thanked very profusely for not using flash photography and screwing up their concentration. Anything for you guys. Seriously, anything. You want my pants? I'll give them to you. I mean it.

After Flood a whole kind of ambient noise thing started and the band was on and off the stage sitting on the riser that Danny Carey's drums and Maynard's mic were on and so forth. The roadies brought the opening band's drum kit back out and after about ten minutes of the weird (but pleasant) noise thing Danny got back into his kit and the opening band's drummer came out to his kit and they tore into a two drum kit solo that was AWESOME. Very dueling drums kind of thing going back and forth getting more and more complicated and faster until the end where they were playing together (but not the same) and ended with a crash like Zeus throwing thunderbolts into your brain. Absolutely stunning.

I'm almost finished gushing, I swear.

You may not know but the 2 Wings songs are about Maynard's mother and her death. I don't know how he gets through them without weeping. I can't imagine what it's like to hear the crowd singing along with you during songs this personal and all but screaming her name where he drops it in the lyrics. I'd probably have a nervous breakdown before the tour was over.

I know it was a great show because people kept asking me why I was smiling and mentioning how weird it was to see me doing it so much for no apparent reason. Here's hoping they don't wait another 5 years to release a new disc and go back on tour.

OK, I'm finished with my Tool worship and we return you to our regularly scheduled programming now.

She didn't say "Take off most of your clothes."

So I went to get some medical attention recently and it's been pointed out to me that I may have done something, well, untoward. I maintain that I did nothing wrong. You decide!

So I haven't been to a doctor in something like 6 or 7 years (I know, I know. Shut it.) so I made an appointment and they told me that they'd like to schedule a physical type appointment. I said fine and all was well. I turn up at the office on the day and fill out the standard paper work. Some of the questions on the forms are still wonderfully confusing just like I remember. (Yes I did sneeze during the last full moon while having a beer scratching my neck. Why? Does that mean something? TELL ME!)

Anyway, I get called back and a nice nurse lady takes my blood pressure (do they have to make that cuff so tight that I can actually feel my eyes start to bulge?) makes a few jokes, is so adorable I could just eat her up and then tells me to take off my clothes. Not in the good way though. She hands me a paper gown and a paper sheet and tells me to take off my clothes and put the gown on with the opening in front. The sheet, she says, is to lay across my lap. Out she goes and I do as instructed, taking off my clothes. All of them.

The rest of the appointment is uneventful. I talk to the woman I made the trip to see, she asks questions, she makes comments, she takes notes, blah blah blah. At one point she does a joint test and has my legs up in the air. Fat lot of good the paper sheet was doing me then.

She steps out and sends in another nurse who does another test. She decides to adjust my sheet by lifting it a foot and a half upward and laying it back down in a different area. Totally uneccessary and clearly just trying to eyeball my doodads. I said nothing as I didn't care. Refer back to me not having any shame. She leaves and the first lady comes back and, well, long story short they all got a look at my junk. It's been a while since that many people have seen my balls in a single day lemme tell ya. A long while.

But I told you all that to tell you this:

That weekend when asked how it went and I tell the story everyone I tell it to looks at me funny. Invariably I hear some variation of, "You were supposed to leave your underwear on." This confused me as I was given a sheet with the clear instructions to put it over my lap. Why would I need the sheet if I'm wearing underwear? That makes no sense to me. Did three people get a free look at my business when they weren't supposed to? Should I pretend to find this anything but amusing? Luckily I was in good shape maintenance wise. Y'know, shorn.

Yeah, you're thinking about that now and you can't stop.

Awesome.

Five Things III: The Curse of Five Things

High up in our royal tower we have heard your cries. "Tell us more things," you said. "Five more things to be precise." We have heard you and we humbly submit to the will of the people. We give you:

Five things you may or may not know about me

1. I have a little OCD. This, to the uninitiated, is obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't have the full on walk around all day with rubber gloves on, takes me an hour to get out of bed because I have to time my right foot to hit the ground as the second hand on the clock hits 12 while blinking, exhaling and feeling my heart beat in my left fingertips or I have to start all over. It's mostly either amusing or annoying with the occasional foray into "What the hell?"

The volume of the radio in my vehicle has to be set on an even number or a number divisible by five. I have stopped the car and made people get out because they couldn't understand that no, I don't think it's fucking funny when you turn the knob to 13.

Right shoe first, left shoe second. No exceptions.

For the most part my food can't be allowed to touch. When I see people just pile food on top of food on a plate that shit drives me crazy. It is not uncommon for me to need several plates to eat dinner. Not because I eat that much but because I need that much open space to make sure there's no suspicious activity going on among the foodstuffs.

It's exhausting.

2. I sing Christmas carols in the summer. Exclusively. I'm not going to be told when I can and can not sing these songs. Who do you think you are? I'll do it when I damn well please!

3. Sneezing makes me angry. All jokes aside sneezing really pisses me off. One sneeze is fine but I have some allergies and sometimes it is a fucking machine gun of sneezing. By the third I am perturbed, by the fifth I am genuinely angry. If it becomes, as it sometimes does, a long chain of them or numerous long chains of them then it's Hulk smash time. Truly impressive floods of profanity in between nasal explosions and sometimes breaking shit or when some idiot thinks it's funny to say something along the lines of, "OK, that's enough" you get the rare bit of violence.

I fucking hate sneezing and I have no idea why.

4. I like bad music. Not that I dislike good music. Far from it. I just also like bad music. At least I'm told by lots of people that it's bad. I don't really care one way or the other as I think it's awesome. I don't mean the shit that's just awful like Nickelback or Justin Timberlake that is the musical equivalent of packing your ears with human feces. I mean stuff like hair metal or 80's pop rock. When the Bangles come on the radio (and there is a station or two that will play them from time to time) it's a fucking party for the duration of that song.

I will not be shamed by this. I have no guilt and therefore no guilty pleasures. I have only pleasures thank you very much.

5. I am the boss of you. Yes you. You right there. I am the boss of you. Yes, yes I am. Shaking your head won't make it stop being true. I am the boss of you. A few of you already knew this as we have either discussed it before or you have willingly acknowledged my boss of you-ness before I had to say it. For the rest of you if you were wondering who the boss of you is, it's me. The boss of you.

Now take off your pants and go make me a sandwich.

It's never too late to add to last year's best of list

Sometimes I get behind on my reading or music buying and I don't get around to something until months after its release. Sometimes this stuff is really good and deserves to be publicly praised so this is a very short list of stuff that came out last year that I didn't get around to until this year that I would have put on my Best of '06 entry if I had gotten to it last year. Yeah.

First, a couple of books:

The Messiah of Morris Avenue by Tony Hendra

What if the second coming of Christ wasn't about taking Christians to heaven? This is the basic premise of this satirical novel. The satire is sharp at times but it still has a big heart. It takes place in the future where the hardcore conservatives have taken over the government and we are basically a theocracy ruled by religious zealots. Heresy is against the law and damn near anything they choose can cause you to be labeled a heretic. Insert the second coming. Christ returns as a poor Mexican that quietly builds a following in order to renew the message.

You do not in any way have to be religious to appreciate the message of this book.

The Book of Dave by Will Self

What if a deranged London cab driver suffered a total psychotic breakdown right after a bitter divorce and an even more bitter custody battle and poured out all of his insanity into a book? What if, faaaaar in the future, this book is found and becomes the basis of a new society? Exactly.

It is a little tough at the start because the far future people often talk in a very exaggerated cockney that is spelled out phonetically. This doesn't really take long to get used to but it can throw you right off the bat. The book pops back and forth between younger Dave, older Dave, and two generations of the future. It's very well done and worth at least a trip to the library.

Now a couple of CDs:

Peeping Tom (self titled)

This is yet another Mike Patton project and like most things that he does this one is a winner. It has his almost patented blend of so many different genres that you'd think it would be too much but he fuses it all together perfectly. Not to be missed.

This Hungry Life by Tanya Donelly

I'm sure that Tanya Donelly is capable of making music that I don't like but this ain't it. The founder of Throwing Muses, The Breeders and Belly and finally a solo act is still making the sweet love to my ear drums. This new album (that's right, I still say album) has her tossing her indie rock roots into a blender with a touch of country (the good stuff not that tripe they make these days) and a tiny bit of pop and then straining it through her new maturity brought on by motherhood. Probably not for everyone but it is definitely for me so I'll have another helping thanks so very much.

That's all I have off the top of my head.

Accident update:

I appear to have no permanent damage to myself but my hands have hurt pretty badly since the crash and I'm a little stiff all over. Hopefully this will pass soon. I haven't heard anything about the 3 women that got taken away in ambulances. Hopefully they're OK.

Ever have one of those days?

I don't. It implies that there are other kinds of days to have. Anyway, here's how my last two days have gone:

Tuesday I suffered possibly the worst allergy attack of my life. My sinuses punished me. They kicked my ass. Literally they crawled out of my head and put the boots to me. The inside of my head is still raw. I sneezed so much and so hard that I was dizzy and lightheaded for most of the day. At one point I wanted to rip my nose off of my head because that would have been more pleasant than what I was going through. I didn't sleep last night because I couldn't breathe and finally got up groggy and absolutely miserable. Off to work I go.

My sinuses loosen up for the most part today and I'm breathing better and hardly sneezing at all. The rawness wasn't nice but hey, it's better than the alternative right? Anyway, sometimes in the course of my job I have to go to one of our other offices and do this or that (OK I find work in general and my work in particular extremely boring so I'm not going to bore myself or you with the details) so I'm on my way back to my office where I'm hoping to sit at my desk for the rest of the day and decompress from yesterday.

Yeah. That was going to happen.

On the way back I was involved in an accident. Three vehicles involved, two of them totaled and hauled off on a wrecker. Four people involved and three of them taken away in ambulances (I hope those ladies are OK. Seriously). A manager came to the accident site (company policy) and I was driven back to my office then immediately taken for a breathalyzer and drug test (also company policy. No worries, I'm clean) and then returned to my office. All that took about 4 hours and I came home shortly thereafter.

So, how was your day?

Subtlety isn't their strength

At around 3 o'clock everyday at work a small group of us will get together (it usually commences with one of us yelling "What's up with my drink, bitches!") and send one guy (almost always John) off to the store to get us all a refreshing beverage. It's one of those little things that people do to break up the day and push back the feelings of being not at all gruntled (it's a word now, deal with it). We usually argue, in a good spirited way, over who should pay, who paid the last time, who skipped their turn and so on. It's all part of the process y'see. Anyway the drink of choice for us is Arizona teas. It's not any kind of brand loyalty so much as it is that they're big and cheap.

One day John comes back and hands me a can and says that they were out of my usual and this was all they had. It was the Arizona Southern Style. It didn't really matter to me so no big deal. I take a few swigs and, finding it better than my usual, I take a closer look.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look at something and think, "What the hell?" so you look again because obviously you're mistaken but no it really is what you thought? Exactly.

On the label of the Southern Style tea there is a picture of a plantation. There is a blonde white woman in front of the house and another white woman on the porch. Standing next to the porch woman? A SLAVE! That's right, in order to get that distinctive southern feel they went with the plantation house slave theme. I called one of the guys over and told him what I was seeing and he looked and his reaction was, "No fucking way." and snatched it from me to show everyone else. I was angry lemme tell ya. Mostly about having my drink snatched away but y'know, righteous anger is righteous anger, right?

Check it:





OK, I realize that this might be a little hard to see so I ask only that you go to a store and look for yourself and then do that head shake with a disbelieving chuckle thing that everyone else does before you look again and do the Oh. My. God. thing.

I gotta get Al Sharpton's number...

Apparently it's one genre per customer...

I was out and about Saturday afternoon after seeing a movie and decided to go and look for some Cd's and books to lay my grubby hands on and by grubby I mean obsessively clean. The same thing happened in both stores and then I thought about all the times it has happened and decided to ask others to see if it's just me. I assume it isn't but you never know.

Anyway, it went like this, I browse for a while, make my selections and take them up to hand over my cash in an empowering display of capitalism. The person on the other end of the transaction feels the need to comment on what I've chosen to buy. Not in a "Your taste sucks and I mock you" way but in a "Your taste is strange to me and I feel the need to say something to get you to say something so that I can better understand" kind of way. In both stores this is and it's not like this is the first time.

Does this happen to anyone else? Have you ever been questioned or had a comment dropped because you bought things that, on the surface, may not seem to be of the same sort? Most people I know (granted this particular group isn't exactly the ideal control group) enjoy lots of things across many genres and find absolutely nothing strange about that but the repeated comments and questions sometimes make me wonder if that's an aberration and not at all the norm.

Almost forgot, the movie was Hot Fuzz. Go see it. Now.

So it goes.

I've been in mourning all day over the passing of Kurt Vonnegut but as the man himself would say, so it goes. Even for a giant of literature and an absolute genius. So it goes.

I first discovered him for myself with Cat's Cradle and that continues to be my favorite of his works though he never wrote anything that wasn't worthwhile. Novels and plays and essays and stories all with a brilliant wit and a gift for words that was truly humbling.

To quote the man himself:

"...a plausible mission of artists is to make people appreciate being alive at least a little bit."

Mission well and truly accomplished, sir. Being neck deep in a Vonnegut book was to be alive and to be more than appreciative for it.

So even giants have to pass eventually and here's to wishing that this giant will be remembered for the treasure to the species that he was for as long as the species endures.

So it goes.

It can't just be me

I don't watch "reality" television. Ever. I know a lot of people say that but then they will turn around and say that they watch it sometimes for a laugh. I mean I actively avoid it like it might infect me some horrific disease (which I half fear it might) that will cause me to be unable to stop watching as much of this garbage as I can find.

*shudder*

It's out of control and I just don't understand the attraction. I can barely get through an entire day without hearing someone talk about one of these piles of excrement and often they try to talk to me about them. Some of the ideas seem like they could be cool but then you hear about it from someone that watches it and it all falls apart.

"Wait, you mean there's a show where they drop people on an island and the last one left wins money?"

"Yeah."

"That's fucking awesome!"

"Yeah, every week someone gets voted off and there are challenges and..."

"Stop. Voted off?"

"Yeah."

"Not killed?"

"What? No!"

"I may never recover from this horrible disappointment."

I mean really people, what is the big deal with this stuff? I don't want to watch a bunch of people sing shitty songs off key and then vote for one of them. I don't want to watch people race, in a very controlled way, from point A to point B. I have no desire to watch D list semifamous people skate, dance, live together or lose weight. It's more entertaining to watch my fingernails grow. What I want is well written, well acted tv shows. Doesn't matter what they're about (Though shows about cops, doctors and/or lawyers are seriously getting on my nerves these days. There are other things on this planet!) so long as they're good. And when they are good, give them a chance to succeed. Arrested Development, Firefly and Studio 60 spring instantly to mind.

It might not be so bad if there weren't so many of them crowding the dial. There seem to be more and more of them and less and less of the scripted shows. Fewer scripted shows means fewer quality scripted shows. And the networks wonder why cable is gaining viewers over them. How many reality shows does HBO air? None that I can think of. How many shows would HBO have on the list if I decided to make one of the best shows of the last ten years? Five or six at least, and that's just in the top ten.

Please, please, please network type people, stop spoon feeding the lowest common denominator at the expense of people that can actually follow a plot. For the love of all that is good and pure stop tormenting me.

Bride of Five Things

No one demanded it, so it's back! With assurances that I have actually done all of these things, I give you:

Five things that are fun to do in a public restroom.

1. Give commentary on what someone else is doing. Someone you don't know. If they have a particularly strong stream then by all means show your appreciation. (This one is especially fun in a thick and very fake Scottish brogue: Listen tae the soond o' tha piss! It soonds like ye've go' a fire hose goin' in there!) If the smell is...interesting...let them know that you notice their effort. (Sweet weepin' Yeshua what the fuck is that smell!? *fart noise* Dude! That ain't something you ate, that's something that crawled up your ass and died! You want me to go get a paramedic or something?)

2. As my male readers know, most guys walk up to a urinal and get in close. Really close. Some guys crawl right in that thing like they're terrified that someone might see their shame. This is the right time to try #2. When one of these guys has no choice but to use the urinal next to you, look over at him, right in the face (or side of the head if he refuses to turn) and then take a step back away from your urinal. A big step. Keep your eyes locked on him the whole time. You taking a step back will make the other guy almost literally try to flush himself down his urinal.

I mean really, who cares if some random guy you'll never see again gets a peek at your crank? These people need to unclench.

3. Walk up next to someone while they are at the urinal. Look directly at their gadgetry and say, "Hey. Nice cock."

4. In a crowded restroom, go into a stall when you have to take a monster piss. You know the kind that seems to go on for days? Yeah, one of those. The entire time you are in the stall emptying out, make over the top noises that can only be described as "sexual." Someone WILL laugh, I assure you. Mostly you'll freak a lot of uptight people out though which is always a good thing.

5. Just hang out in there for a couple of minutes. This one works best right after a movie lets out so there will be high traffic for a while. Don't use the facilities. Just loiter. And be obvious that you are just watching people go to the bathroom.

There you have it. Now you all have homework. I expect full reports on my desk very soon. Bear in mind that some (re: all) of these things may cause the other person or persons to react with violence so only do it to people that you feel confident are either very sheepish or whose ass you are confident that you can kick. Happy restrooming!